My Personal Growth From Getting Dumped

[WRX AJT]

Hey everyone! I've been doing a lot of thinking after I posted "Miserable". Not only have I been thinking, but I've been doing some soul searching and talking to friends. With the help of advice and opinions I've figured things out.

What I've learned from this:

1) If I open up to a person I'm "attached" to, I'm showing my weakness which is ultimately becoming unattractive. By opening up to her rather quickly, she became bored of trying to figure out who I was, and thus left me.

2) I have to honestly look at ALL sides of every person, not just who they appear to be. What they appear to be, may in fact, be something they aren't. For example, she used to smoke a lot of weed. I thought she was a complete stoner without goals or a life ambition. I was wrong. Her use of weed was only a means to pass "idle" time, which I soon learned that had she had something of value, or worth, to do she would have been doing that instead.

3) Change isn't easy, nor does it happen quickly. I couldn't realistically expect her to change her habits within a week or two. Change takes time and I wasn't allowing her to have time. I suppose I was being rather pushy you could say.

4) The lack of leaving a mystery for her to solve is ultimately one of the main reason she left. For a girl to be genuinely interested in you, you have to keep everything inside and release certain things at the right time. Without a shadow surrounding you, you become boring and uninteresting.

5) Girls find guys who are confident and know what they want attractive. Mind you, I'm confident and know what I want, but I suppose I wasn't aggressive enough in showing her.

6) Giving her ample time to figure out what she really wants is killing me, but she has to have that time to really see what she wants.

7) This entire time I was blaming her for everything. I realized that it wasn't her fault, but it was actually mine. I shouldn't put the blame on her when I didn't see the whole picture.

8) I have a big heart and deep down inside I know I have to make my wrongs into rights. I have to show her that I've grown by leading by example. Showing her that I've grown will take time, but somehow I feel it will show her something about me she never saw before.

9) We are two very different people leading two very different lives. I'm very driven and passionate about my goal(s), while she is more laid back about hers.

Whether you agree with any of these things or not, I feel that these were my downfalls. I've learned a lesson and am working to resolve the tension in the air when the time is right.

For the mean time, I'm just going to continue what I need to do in order to achieve my goals. I'm going to continue to go to college by day and race by night. The goal I'm working towards is racing for a team, or working for a motorsport team. Most people might have trouble dealing with getting hurt, but if I continue to work hard and focus on this goal it will be easier.

It's just about 3:45 AM central time and I think I should probably get some sleep and reflect on what was reveled to me tonight.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to work on these flaws of mine, please by all means let me know. I'm really trying to work on becoming a better person, as well as a better leader.

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday." The choices I've made not only have affected myself, but others around me as well.

Always trying to work harder and smarter to release something special with in...what that is might take time to figure out, but the journey getting there will be amazing.

[JimOfferman]

Aside from 7) all items on your list are very limiting beliefs - you may very well find love if you keep carrying those around, but I would rather try to reframe them in my mind to be empowering.

For example, instead of 1) you could say:

I want my next relationship to be with someone who loves me exactly as I am and exactly as I am not. Likewise, I will love her exactly as she is and exactly as she is not.

When you frame it like that, you recognize that having weaknesses does not make you unattractive - it makes you human. You stop blaming your failed relationships on your ineptitudes and instead start taking responsibility for creating the life you love to live. You start looking forward instead of backward.

[Angela]

I agree with Jim. You sound like you are on the road to taking 100% responsibility, buy you're building a lot of stress into the "lessons" you've learned. I would second reframing what you've said in your thread and seeing how it feels.

You might start with your title. Is it true you were "dumped"? I mean, if that is your inner truth, then you'll be carrying "dumped" into your next relationships. That sounds very stressful to me. Another way to look at what happened is to recognize with gratitude that she is taking the right actions and making the right choices for her life, and that doesn't mean anything about you (like, "I've been dumped.")

Each of your other points contains, as Jim said, a limiting belief that you are giving power to -- power that could be transformed.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by WRX AJT

If anyone has any suggestions on how to work on these flaws of mine, please by all means let me know. I'm really trying to work on becoming a better person, as well as a better leader.

WRX AJT I think you're taking this far too seriously. Who's says these are flaws? From what I read on your other thread, it sounds like the two of you are coming from different places with little in common. It also sound like she was on the rebound and just needed time to figure out what she really wants.

If you take anything from this, perhaps it should be to take your time and not invest so much in the outcome before you know what you're dealing with.