seeking advice.

[lagerk]

Hello everybody.

I would firstly like to thank those of you who are taking the time to reading my post and hopefully evaluating my situation for a great advice

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost three years now and I would say that our current relationship with each other is mutual. I met this girl towards the end of my high school and we both clicked pretty quickly. Towards the end of our 1st year I had to come out to the US for college purposes. We were apart for almost a year and during the time of separation, I made a horrible mistake of cheating on her.
I regret what I did because I knew that this girl could be the one for me. Eventually I confessed, apologized and my girlfriend forgave me.
A couple months later she decides to attend the same college as me to finish her GE's and we both agreed to live together since were going to the same school.

I'm not sure if living together was the greatest idea, but we did it anyways. Now that I have been living with her for almost a year and for some reason I'm losing sexual desires towards her. Don't get me wrong...my girlfriend is very attractive and I know that she cares for me a lot. After all the things I've done and put her through she still forgave me and loves me to death, but she's starting to seem like a roommate to me.

I haven't really spoken about this to anybody and I'm clueless of what I should do or tell her. I haven't spoken to her about this, but I want to solve this problem. What should I do? Is it just me?

Thanks for your help in advance.
-lagerk

[PianoManGidley]

You're at a point in your relationship now where the initial attraction is wearing off and you're getting to better know your girlfriend, learning all those intimate quirks that make her who she is. This is what really starts to define whether or not a life-long romantic relationship will work. I'd say that, if you two were really wanting to commit to each other, living together was a very good idea, as you get to know one another best through living under the same roof. I really can't give too much advice other than that you have to start really analyzing your relationship with her and decide whether or not you think she is "the one" you are looking for. You're also still quite young, and there's nothing at all wrong with taking many more years before you find a life-long partner.

[kboleski]

What you are experiencing is what almost every couple experiences at some point in their relationship/marriage. It is easy to get tired of your mate, irritated by the most minor things. It is difficult however, to retain the admiration and respect for someone when you start forgetting what attracted you to them, what you respected about them in the first place. That is one reason that marriages are so difficult. Maybe you haven't experienced enough of life and other relationships yet to make the kind of commitment you have made with her. She sounds like a fantastic, loving, FORGIVING, understanding woman. Are you ready for her?
On another note, living together before marriage is not a good idea. I don't want to hear from all the "do what ever you want" people. Too many studies on this subject have proven that it is detrimental to a relationship, especially after marriage. We live in a "If it doesn't work, I can get out of it" mindset that destroys the ability to keep with that kind of committment. That mindset doesn't change after you get married either. Be careful and I hope you work this out.

[PianoManGidley]

Originally Posted by kboleski

On another note, living together before marriage is not a good idea. I don't want to hear from all the "do what ever you want" people. Too many studies on this subject have proven that it is detrimental to a relationship, especially after marriage. We live in a "If it doesn't work, I can get out of it" mindset that destroys the ability to keep with that kind of committment. That mindset doesn't change after you get married either. Be careful and I hope you work this out.

Perhaps the idea that everyone should be in a life-long monogamous marriage is itself an archaic concept, and we're starting to wake up to the idea that shorter mateships and/or multiple mateships are not necessarily a bad thing. I don't personally see what's wrong with taking the time to test the waters by living with someone else before you ultimately decide to commit to what you expect to be a life-long marriage. Most people wouldn't buy a car on a few brief glimpses alone--they'd want to at least test-drive it first.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by kboleski

We live in a "If it doesn't work, I can get out of it" mindset that destroys the ability to keep with that kind of committment. That mindset doesn't change after you get married either.

How would not living together before marriage change any of that?

I don't think there is a problem with people getting out of bad relationships - if the ship is sinking, head for the life rafts! What is slightly troubling, though, is the number of that people choose to abandon ship at the first sign of engine trouble.

[kboleski]

Marriage is a CHRISTIAN concept. Marriage is a sacrament that was meant to be a life-long monogamous relationship. Everything else you wrote is a secular, and comes from a no higher moral authority than your own, do whatever you want concept. If you choose to do that fine, but be careful when giving that advice to others.

[kboleski]

There isn't a problem with people getting out of bad relationships. And you just said it, people abandoning ship at first sign of trouble, is exactly the issue at hand. If you know you can get out of it, you will never fully commit in the right and most complete way. Why work hard at it at all when you can bail? It is a deep, stand by your committments, self respect, respecting the feelings and needs of the one you made the committment to, work hard at it mindset that you need to have to make any relationship work. We live in a selfish, lazy, bail out, let down, pick and choose morality society that will ruin you if you buy into it. If you are a christian, a true christian, you will not pick and choose and live that morally inept life. I am by no means perfect, but I know there is a higher moral authority than my own, so I try to figure out why we should live by these "archaic" ways. Anyway, ANY relationship is difficult and it takes much more respect and consideration than just doing it because you feel like it.

[Lisa Smiles]

Lagerk,

I am including a link to a website that has good advice in my opinion. I would also search the internet for some others. Relying on a forum soley is probably not a good idea.

I really like this guy's stuff. I have no affiliation

Relationship Advice

Good luck
-

[PianoManGidley]

Originally Posted by kboleski

Marriage is a CHRISTIAN concept. Marriage is a sacrament that was meant to be a life-long monogamous relationship.

That's absolutely untrue, and you should know better. Marriage and hand-fastings--both monogamous and polygamous--were around in various cultures, including Pagan and Hebrew cultures, long before Christianity ever arose. After all, weren't Joseph and Mary married? And the religion of Christianity didn't come about until AFTER their son Jesus lived his life. Christianity has no more exclusive claim to marriage than it has to the concept of not killing others. In fact, the Catholic Church didn't even get involved with marriages until around the 9th Century. Learn some history.

[robc]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

How would not living together before marriage change any of that?

I don't think there is a problem with people getting out of bad relationships - if the ship is sinking, head for the life rafts! What is slightly troubling, though, is the number of that people choose to abandon ship at the first sign of engine trouble.

When you leave a relationship because it has gone bad, one thing you don't take into account is that your involvement in that relationship caused it to go bad. Regardless of what your spouse did (unless they are abusive, and even in some of those cases, repair is possible) you control your actions. You can't control your spouses actions, you can only control your own. When you judge people based on their actions, that means you base your love for that person based on those actions instead of basing your love for that person because of the person they are. Do you love the person your with or do you love the things they do for you?

It's like people who have relationship crisis' or mid life crisis' and feel that they have to drop everything they currently have and go for something new.
The problem is that doesn't work. You buy a new house, you buy a new car, you get a new spouse, you get a different job, in the end, the common denominator that never changes is you.

Everyone has a tough time wrapping their head around that concept. You can change everything & everyone in your life by dropping what you have and going for new but the problem is, if you don't ever change the kind of person you are, you will still run in the same problems down the line. The only thing that is staying constant is you.

And leaving a relationship when it's bad instead of attempting to work on the issues and making it better is a bad thing. You set up a pattern of behavior with yourself that goes like this, when times get tough, I move on. I won't stick it out, I've left before, I can leave again, and I will leave again. Nothing's wrong with me, it's the world around me that needs to change. People who do this are not very successful.

Want proof? Divorce rates are very high. First time divorce rates are just over 50%. 2nd & 3rd time divorce rates are even higher. Reason being, once you leave one relationship, you are bound to do it again, you've set a pattern of behavior whether you realize it or not and you will repeat it again when times get tough. And you will repeat it again even faster because you will repeat your mistakes faster and you won't stick around as long for the relationship to get as bad as the last one, so on & so forth.

Sorry bro, that's not me making the rules, that's science & human nature.

You think it doesn't have an effect on the world around you?
Look at the amount of people suffering mental illnesses like depression nowadays. Instead of fixing their problems, they run away from them, pop some meds to feel better and continue their patterns of behavior without looking inward to solve their problems. Look at crime rates, look at how prolific drug abuse is, teenage pregnancy, teen violence, child abuse, children affected by divorce, etc, etc, etc. Do you think none of this has some cause or is it all random but on an increasing trend? We set patterns of behavior, we run away from our problems, if you're married and have kids and do this, you setup the example for your kids to do the same, they have no other way to do things, they learn from their parents. And the cycle keeps repeating itself over & over again and no one stops to wonder why.

No one wants to fix relationships anymore.
We've set up a pattern of behavior of leaving people behind, fighting people without getting resolution, hurting people instead of helping people, no one knows the value of committment anymore, society is about taking advantage of people.

This is a very big problem, people need to look at it from a different, wider perspective and see how this affects everyone.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by kboleski

If you are a christian, a true christian, you will not pick and choose and live that morally inept life.

You don't need to be a Christian to live a morally apt life.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by robc

No one wants to fix relationships anymore.

That's a bit of an overstatement. I think you do yourself and the world a disservice by believing that.

I for one take care to fix my relationships if needed, but I do recognize that not everything that is broken can be fixed. Most of the people I know feel the same way.

[lagerk]

Originally Posted by PianoManGidley

I really can't give too much advice other than that you have to start really analyzing your relationship with her and decide whether or not you think she is "the one" you are looking for. You're also still quite young, and there's nothing at all wrong with taking many more years before you find a life-long partner.

To be honest she could possibly be "the one" for me. But at times(most of the time) when we sit down together to have a dinner our conversation would go as far as "so..what did you do today?" and she would reply with a closed ended answer... I feel as if we have nothing in common to talk about, but then again we love each other...

Originally Posted by kboleski

She sounds like a fantastic, loving, FORGIVING, understanding woman. Are you ready for her?
On another note, living together before marriage is not a good idea. I don't want to hear from all the "do what ever you want" people. Too many studies on this subject have proven that it is detrimental to a relationship, especially after marriage. We live in a "If it doesn't work, I can get out of it" mindset that destroys the ability to keep with that kind of committment. That mindset doesn't change after you get married either. Be careful and I hope you work this out.

Maybe living together with her might not have been the greatest decision I made, but what's done is done.
I actually don't feel as if I'm connecting with her, but I want to change that. I don't want to get out of it just because it's not working out.....
Am I just making things complicating for myself? Is the problem really her or can it be myself? When I'm with her my mind sets to a pessimistic mindset.

[lagerk]

Originally Posted by Lisa Smiles

Lagerk,

I am including a link to a website that has good advice in my opinion. I would also search the internet for some others. Relying on a forum soley is probably not a good idea.

I really like this guy's stuff. I have no affiliation

Relationship Advice

Good luck
-

Thanks for the website. Some of the advices are very helpful.

[Angela]

It sounds like what you're complaining is lacking is excitement and stimulation, sexual and otherwise, right? If your communication was better, if you were having more fun, possibly your attraction would increase?

Well, it's not her, it's you. What I mean is, if something is missing that would make a difference, you have the ability to generate it, and that will always be true in every relationship you find yourself in. Since you love each other and don't seem to be inclined to end it, why not try generating something new in your relationship?

There are many ways to go about this. First thing: talk about what's missing, what would make a difference, and what you're willing to generate. Maybe she has got something going on that you don't know about that is having her be emotionally removed. Explore her -- listen to her! See what she feels is missing, what she feels willing to generate. It might be a great time for you to brainstorm about a new activity you can participate in together that will have you excited about each of your own lives, and your life together (dancing? beach volleyball? rock climbing? something that gets your heart beating faster.)

I also highly recommend doing the Landmark Forum and Advanced Course together. I had so much fun in there watching couples make incredible breakthroughs in love, romance, intimacy and sex (I didn't watch the sex! )

One of the biggest turn-ons, though, is being generously listened to. If I were you, I would make that my biggest priority. You might find a third, unknown alternative that each of you, on your own, has not thought of or is avoiding out of fear of confronting the other. You might find you're both ready for separate apartments, or to not be monogamous, or something else entirely.

And by the way, what's all this talk about marriage? The OP never said anything about marriage.

[kboleski]

JimOfferman, you are correct about not needing to be a Christian to live a morally apt life. Please forgive my blanket statement.

[kboleski]

lagerk, I am proud of you for seeking advice on this. It shows your deep belief in doing the right thing and doing it correctly. You may be too young yet to really be able to completely understand on the deepest levels how imporant some of the advice being given here is. When you are older you will say "I now understand what that 'really' meant." You are right, what's done is done. All you can do now is take these issues more seriously. Committing to a woman is the most important thing you will ever do. You have to consider everything. robc is absolutely correct in most everything he/she said. Please re-read his/her post. There is a lot of valuable, wide reaching information in that small post. Understanding your part in it all, is crucial. You can't just blame her. You also have to know that society has ingrained in us to take the easy way out of everything. Nothing truly important and meaningful in our lives comes easily. Anything worthwhile has to be worked for. A relationship/marriage is probably what this concept is most importantly applied to. That being said, people grow apart, some relationships just naturally come to an end. You are not married to her. If you ultimately realize that it isn't going to work, you need to end it. BUT before you end the relationship, you have take a good hard look at yourself, your actions, what you do or don't do that is crucial to the relationship. Are you taking her for granted? Are you supportive of her? Are you unconditionally accepting of her for WHO she IS, flaws and all? Do you treat her with the utmost respect? Why are you pessimistic with her? It could be that she is mirroring back some of how you treat her. Problems you are having could be her emotional responses to your actions. I am saying MAYBE that is the case. Although, it is never one sided. It is imperative that you love and respect her beyond yourself and even more imperative that you unconditionally love and accept her for who she IS. If you love her selflessly, you will go out of your way to meet her needs. She has to know that you unconditionally accept and love her for who she IS. You have to go out of your way to show that you love her and to show her that she IS important. It is imperative that she knows that her needs, her feelings, her dreams, etc are important to YOU. I can't stress that enough. IMPERATIVE!! Because, she will not only mirror that back to you, it will make her FEEL loved more than any other woman in the world. What this does is unite the both of you in a way that is the foundation for a wonderful, solid relationship. When you are both confident that you each love, respect, accept eachother completely for who you are, you then will be able to trust in the relationship to be yourself, be vulnerable, be the authentic you and will be able to LET her help you become the best man you can be. Because you are lifted up and supported in a fantastic place by her, you will in turn be able to help her be her authentic self and help her to become the best woman she can be. If you can achieve that, you will be immensely happy. She is only human you know. She is bound to make mistakes, anger you, etc. Remember, you will (and probably do) do all kinds of things that bug her, irritate her, upset her. What you have to do is remember why you love and respect her and why she is important to you. OK, I've gotten pretty deep here. What I am trying to say is take a good hard look at you, what you do, etc... Admit your fault wherever you find it. Decide if you can change that aspect of yourself to become a better man and mate. Forgive her for her shortcomings and love her anyway. AND, do everything possible to try to fix the problem before bailing out of the relationship. If you do this now and in every relationship you are in, you will be able to more fully commit to someone and NEVER give up trying when you finally do marry someone. That is the ultimate goal for dating isn't it?

[kboleski]

PianoManGidley, you are partly correct. You stated, "Marriage and hand-fastings--both monogamous and polygamous--were around in various cultures, including Pagan and Hebrew cultures, long before Christianity ever arose." After sin entered the world, the original design for marriage suffered some setbacks, and God began a process of re-educating and reforming his people. For a time there was polygamy. Moses conceded to divorce among his followers because of their "hardness of heart," but Jesus clearly declares that "from the beginning it was not so" (Matt. 19:8). He refers to Genesis 2 as he restores marriage to its original dignity: one man, one woman, becoming "one". Marriage comes from God, and it is meant to lead us closer to him. Shortly after God created humanity, he instituted marriage. This is evidenced in the second chapter of the Bible. "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh." (Gen. 2:24) Christian marriage, like the other sacraments . . . is in itself a liturgical action glorifying God in Jesus Christ and in the Church. By celebrating it, Christian spouses profess their gratitude to God for the gift bestowed on them of being able to live in their married and family lives the very love of God for people and that of the Lord Jesus for the Church, his bride. Of course, anyone with a smattering of historical knowledge knows that the idea that marriage began somewhere in the Middle Ages, is a rediculous assertation. You are mistaken in your statement regarding when the Catholic Church's involement with the sacrament of marriage began. The Catholic Church - along with other faiths that profess belief in the one God - assert that marriage is God's idea. It originated with him. "God himself is the author of marriage." (Gaudium et Spes 48). It is for him, then, to teach us what it is. And He BEGINS our lesson from the ONSET of CREATION. "The vocation to marriage is written in the very nature of man and woman as they came from the hand of the Creator" (Catechism of the Catholic Church 1603). Man and woman are literally made for each other. "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh" (Gen. 2:24). This was the beginning of marriage. AgesThis was the .belief long before the Middle Marriage is a call from God to seek holiness in a particular way, in a particular state of life, and with a particular person. This was the belief long before the 9th century, long before the Middle Ages, and long before Jesus. Of course, Christianity came about after the death of Jesus. With the death of Jesus came the New Covenant. The concept of not killing and every other edict we believe in came from God. You should brush up on your history.

[jaamkie]

The idea that not killing is a christian concept is rather ridiculous, seeing as the religion's core is based on followers being destined to crucify their own savior in order for him to save them... gah christian theology is so far beyond me.

[PianoManGidley]

Originally Posted by kboleski

PianoManGidley, you are partly correct. You stated, "Marriage and hand-fastings--both monogamous and polygamous--were around in various cultures, including Pagan and Hebrew cultures, long before Christianity ever arose." After sin entered the world, the original design for marriage suffered some setbacks, and God began a process of re-educating and reforming his people. For a time there was polygamy. Moses conceded to divorce among his followers because of their "hardness of heart," but Jesus clearly declares that "from the beginning it was not so" (Matt. 19:8). He refers to Genesis 2 as he restores marriage to its original dignity: one man, one woman, becoming "one". Marriage comes from God, and it is meant to lead us closer to him. Shortly after God created humanity, he instituted marriage. This is evidenced in the second chapter of the Bible. "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh." (Gen. 2:24) Christian marriage, like the other sacraments . . . is in itself a liturgical action glorifying God in Jesus Christ and in the Church. By celebrating it, Christian spouses profess their gratitude to God for the gift bestowed on them of being able to live in their married and family lives the very love of God for people and that of the Lord Jesus for the Church, his bride. Of course, anyone with a smattering of historical knowledge knows that the idea that marriage began somewhere in the Middle Ages, is a rediculous assertation. You are mistaken in your statement regarding when the Catholic Church's involement with the sacrament of marriage began. The Catholic Church - along with other faiths that profess belief in the one God - assert that marriage is God's idea. It originated with him. "God himself is the author of marriage." (Gaudium et Spes 48). It is for him, then, to teach us what it is. And He BEGINS our lesson from the ONSET of CREATION. "The vocation to marriage is written in the very nature of man and woman as they came from the hand of the Creator" (Catechism of the Catholic Church 1603). Man and woman are literally made for each other. "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh" (Gen. 2:24). This was the beginning of marriage. AgesThis was the .belief long before the Middle Marriage is a call from God to seek holiness in a particular way, in a particular state of life, and with a particular person. This was the belief long before the 9th century, long before the Middle Ages, and long before Jesus. Of course, Christianity came about after the death of Jesus. With the death of Jesus came the New Covenant. The concept of not killing and every other edict we believe in came from God. You should brush up on your history.

Sorry, but I go by REAL history--not the Bible.