a pattern to change?

[jaamkie]

Hey, so met this guy today- was on the train and he introduced himself, we got off at the same stop, ended up sitting on a bench talking for like 5 hours, gave him my phone number, and now sort of wishing I hadn't and wondering why I keep doing the same thing over and over again.

These random men introduce themselves to me, have great interesting conversations while making it clear they're attracted to me, and want to pursue dating me, yet I'm not interested and have a hard time expressing that to them- because I do so enjoy those long conversations and having someone listen intensely to me, but then I tend to give out my phone number because it is difficult not to when I've just enjoyed the interaction and am hoping to be friends- but I'm afraid if I say I just want friendship that they won't call and in the moment I do want to hear from them again.

Then they call, and I start remembering their compliments and my lack of attraction, and I start to feel bad for not being more honest so I tend to not answer, or if I do I act vague and try to avoid having to meet up again. Sometimes in the past I've gone along too far and flirted back, let them touch me or even sometimes have sex (one guy lost his virginity to me; had fantasies about being with me tho I'd been honest that I was in love with someone else at the time and just a bit lonely; another obese nice guy but overwhelming with his desire for me and I just wasn't attracted); and then they start to obsess and I feel like I'm being haunted by these guys who I don't want to date tho sometimes I care as friends, as someone who can empathize with their moody introversion and geeky interests.

One called me again last Thursday- has kept calling every few weeks for the past year. He introduced himself to me on the street one day while I was walking back to my office from lunch, we went out once, I got drunk, wasn't particularly attracted but didn't care much and had him back to my apt, where as he was kissing me everywhere I started to have a weird flashback to when I lost my virginity to this much older guy raping me (then I dated that guy for a few months in my innocent idealistic stupidity, till I had gained power in the relationship and realized I felt so alone despite his devotion because he was lower-than-average intelligence and I could win every argument and toy with him; so I finally broke up with him), so I rather rudely threw him off of me and told him why and didn't expect to see him again, yet here he is a year later still calling me, making me feel bad for just saying no no no I'm busy, I'm not interested.

There's another from over a year ago who fantasizes about getting me pregnant (and well he at least is an intelligent guy, so every so often I engage on IM out of wanting intelligent conversation, but then he twists it to sex and wanting me, and I get annoyed and ignore him again). There are also many others, less persistent and more sane, but still same pattern of some initial nice little interaction initiated by them, followed by me stupidly giving out my phone number sort of imagining friendship, sometimes going out once, and then avoiding these repeated calls and being evasive until they go away. I have such a hard time directly telling them that I'm not interested, and here we go again... wondering what I can do to be different and stop this silly anxiety and feeling like a bad person for rejecting them.

[jamie1984]

you can solve this by drawing an immediate boundary and telling these guys you arent looking for a relationship, just offering friendship.

It seems you string these guys along till they bore/annoy you and then reject them, rather than facing the likely rejection from guys not wanting to pursue just a friendship with you.

J

[jaamkie]

yes I do tend to use guy's attraction as a way to have a lot of attention and intensity and get them to talk about things that interest me, and then when I've run through the depth of our shared interests I very quickly don't want them anymore, and it almost feels like doing the same/reverse thing some guys do- using a woman's emotional/intellectual interest to have her physically then when he's done he doesn't want her anymore and never cared about her intellect- I want a man's emotions/intellect/life story and use his physical attraction to get it from him, and then when I've had what I wanted I'm done with it and throw him away unfulfilled and confused.

I think part of it is just laziness- guys approach me quite regularly just to introduce themselves and chat and act interested, but they don't seem to approach me and put the same effort into it to just be friends, and I have a hard time doing the approaching because I'm very shy. The fact that I tend to let people approach me results in having a lot of male friends and no female friends- I don't know how to have a normal give-and-take and intimacy in a friendship with another woman.

There have been quite a few times when I've said I'm not looking for a relationship, they say ok but lets be friends anyway, and then continue to have a weird wanting-more dynamic that eventually comes up again and it doesn't seem to matter what I've said- I think there's more to it than just saying "I'm not looking for a relationship" once at the start and then continuing as I would've. I had one guy, a friend for like a year with some weird ambiguous moments of flirtation in the beginning, I got into this other happy long term relationship which he knew about, yet still one day I got a long rambling voicemail telling me he loved me and respected me and had an arranged marriage- kept repeating "I can't go against my family". It was so out-of-the-blue to me, like I'd been just school-friends and tutor to him for months while he knew my boyfriend (also in school with us) and then one day got this voicemail and didn't call him back about it and that was the last time I heard from him Another guy I met up after fun internet conversations, told him awkwardly repeatedly from first meeting that I just wasn't attracted but wanted to be friends, after a few fun conversations and meeting up he called me and said we should start dating and he liked me etc etc, I said no no no I'm sorry no, he didn't call me back and wouldn't answer when I tried to call him- so frustrating because I was thinking he'd've been a nice friend.

[jamie1984]

part of the problem is your beauty, these guys validate you aswell as providing some interest and that is powerful and probably addictive. Infact it seems to be that its so addictive you cant give it up knowing full well most if not all of these guys will get the wrong end of the stick.
I dont blame the way you go on with men, there's plenty lovable losers out there that just dont get it with women and will shower you with compliments, blind to your manipulation and disinterest in the hope they can get their way.

At the end of the day it's up to you to spot the guys that have their act together and disqualify the guys that don't.

just my 2p.

j

[jaamkie]

blah, I'm not even particularly beautiful, not hideous, but hardly a model, a bit overweight, wear glasses, and don't put much effort into my looks beyond being clean and neat; my theory is that either all women are approached this way maybe more often (in which case women here should have good advice for me??? I can imagine not engaging with the guys, often I am pleasant but distant and don't offer the opening for conversation, but sometimes guys come up with interesting first comments and I have the time or feel too rude to ignore them, and these things get started...) or else they're attracted to goofy happy smiles and skipping (can't help it, sometimes the world is so beautiful!) and then to friendly listening and chatting and shared interests. Sort of going off the point because enjoying compliments is egotistical whether it's being complimented for physical or nonphysical attractiveness, but I really'd rather meet more guys who aren't looking for a date and could just interact without wanting anything from me... but I suppose some level of attraction to eachother's personalities/minds/interests is necessary for friendships too?