Miserable (GF Seeing Ex?)

[WRX AJT]

Hey everyone! I'm hoping you all could help me.

Anyway, I started dating this girl about 2 weeks ago and everything was going perfect. Today poo hit the fan and lemme tell you...there was a lot! I got out of work early and gave her a call only to find out she's hanging out with her ex-boyfriend of three (3) years. I understand that it's hard to let someone you've dated go, but a little warning would have been nice. I asked her what she's doing later tonite (because we had plans) and all she said was "I'm going to hangout for a little....I'll call you later tonite." At this point I'm seriously mad, so I drive home and try to relax. On a side note, I'm a really laid back guy who rarely gets mad but when I do it's like WW3. She calls me like 15 minutes after I get home and tells me she's going to visit a friend of hers that's having guy trouble. I told her that's fine and to give me a ring when she's done. About 20 minutes after that she calls and by this point I'm mad enough to punch about 30 holes in my wall...which I didn't. I find it really hard for me to express my feelings, but I was so angry that I told her. All she could say was "Sorry." She then went on to say that she doesn't know if we'd hangout tonite blah blah blah. After asking her what she's doing tonite instead, she said she didn't know. For the love of Pete...we had made plans on Monday night to hangout. After that she tells me that maybe she rushed into this relationship blah blah blah. Seriously?!?! Why would you tell me face to face that you're EXTREMELY happy with me and you've never been happier? I can't even get down her street before she would call or txt me saying she misses me. *IF ONLY YOU COULD READ SOME OF HER EMAILS TO ME YOU'D UNDERSTAND!* Anywho, I'm wondering if maybe she's going back to her ex-boyfriend? I left her a txt message saying "Hey, I'm sorry about getting mad earlier today...hope you have fun tonite" and she didn't even respond. I seriously don't know what to do right now...it's like my happiness is gone and I feel horrible.

Since we didn't hangout and I was really mad, I decided to go out for a drive which included some high speed freeway runs and like 5 hours of just driving around. For those of you that aren't car people, there is something about the sound of an engine and exhaust that really helps calm me down.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NEXT?!?!

Thanks in advance...

[Pegasus]

You seem awfully possessive for only having dated for two weeks! Controlling behavior is not attractive! Why would you want to continue dating someone who repeatedly flakes out on you? Actions speak more than words.

It’s way too early in the relationship for it to be so intense. It often takes months to get over an ex. I would recommend backing off and maybe dating others (if you're ready).

[robc]

you could be the rebound relationship after her breakup with her ex.
If that's the case, the odds are against a successful relationship (not impossible at all but unlikely)

- you've only been seeing each for a few weeks, leave it at that.
Don't call her, don't text her.

You can reply back to her calls, texts, emails but don't attach yourself so closely to her. Don't be clingy & needy, definitely a turnoff.

Don't be controlling either, major turn off for women.

Just be a man. If she's into you, she will call you.
Don't buy her roses, and dinners and presents to win her over, that doesn't work either, you'll just have an empty wallet after that experience.
Keep the relationship fun, go out, hang out but don't put her on a pedestal and keep yourself on the ground, maintain the balance, your equal to her and she has nothing over you & vice versa.

If she wants to hang out with other friends or her ex, let her. In the end the only actions you can control are your own, you can't control her actions and technically you wouldn't want to either. If you want her to be in to you and to be attracted to you, just be you and be a man, maintain your masculinity, don't change to be someone she'll like better, just be you.

[DayInTheLife]

You've been seeing this girl for two weeks and you're getting way too worked up. So she flaked on plans you had... once. No big deal. Forget what happened so far (chalk it up to the general awkwardness people have when they start dating each other), call her in a day or so and ask her if she wants to do something. If not, forget her and move on. If she does want to hang out, then hang out. If she flakes again, take the hint and move on.

Sounds like you're placing some serious expectations on this 'relationship' even though it's only two weeks old.

[WRX AJT]

I'm not exactly placing anything on this. I was just happy to find someone who likes the same things.

I haven't called or txt'd her for a few days either. I personally think that if she really meant everything she said to me face to face and in the emails, then things have a chance or working out.

She knows I really like her, so by not calling her its going to "eat" her up inside cause I'm not doing anything, nor am I showing that I'm "upset" or sad about it. I'm just leaving it alone for a while and seeing where it will pan out.

However, I honestly don't think I'm controling by any means. I told her from the start that if she wants to hangout with her friends (girls) then by all means do it. Yet...when she hangs out with her ex-boyfriend I feel I have a reason to be mad.

After all this happened on Saturday, I just did what I do best...and raced. There's something about the sound of my engine and my exhaust that really calms me down. LOL

In the mean time, I'll continue living life a 1/4 mile at a time with the throttle wide open and a stupid grin on my face because life is to short to be upset or sad.

Thank you everyone for either telling me I'm an idiot or helping me figure out what my next move is!

P.S. DayInTheLife - I think I was getting so worked up about this because I actually cared about her. I rarely let people see into my soul and I suppose after this I felt betrayed so to speak. It really isn't easy for me to open up, so when I do it shows something special.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful start to the week...

"You can't be let down if you don't expect the world." - 311

P.S.S. I'm not expecting the world... LOL

[Jamie]

Originally Posted by WRX AJT

In the mean time, I'll continue living life a 1/4 mile at a time with the throttle wide open and a stupid grin on my face because life is to short to be upset or sad.

Kewl ... and not to worry if you hit and kill someone while you're having 'fun' (on a public road, not a race track?) ... after all ... life is too short.

[WRX AJT]

Just to let you know...I don't drive very agressive by any means except when the conditions are right. Ex: No cars on the road, or pedestrians, and have a safe enviornment. I would NEVER do any of this unless I felt 110% that in the most extreme case in which something could go wrong, there will be no one killed or injured as the results of my actions.

I'm a responsible driver and always consider the other people on the road.

Please don't think I'm doing all of this when there is traffic etc. because that isn't what I'm about.

[robc]

Originally Posted by WRX AJT

She knows I really like her, so by not calling her its going to "eat" her up inside cause I'm not doing anything, nor am I showing that I'm "upset" or sad about it. I'm just leaving it alone for a while and seeing where it will pan out.

After all this happened on Saturday, I just did what I do best...and raced. There's something about the sound of my engine and my exhaust that really calms me down. LOL

In the mean time, I'll continue living life a 1/4 mile at a time with the throttle wide open and a stupid grin on my face because life is to short to be upset or sad.

Thank you everyone for either telling me I'm an idiot or helping me figure out what my next move is!

You sound like you have the right state of mind in place, good stuff, that's the way to be!

You're not an idiot, I never said that, don't think anyone else said that either.
It's tough opening up even in an anonymous discussion forum like this but at least you're getting alot of good feedback, various opinions,etc. They all give you different angles to look at your issue with - it's necessary because sometimes we're looking at our problems in a specific way, other people having a viewpoint on your problem give you another way to look at it and it helps because sometimes unless someone points it out, you may not have looked it like that.

Love the bit about the throttle wide open, it's good to have a way to release the energy and getting an endorphin rush is always awesome, keep doing it if it makes you feel good.

I think you have the right idea, limit your contact with your gf, if she wants to call you in a bit when she figures things have cooled down, she will. And if she doesn't, maybe she wasn't all that you thought she was and if so, better to find out now, then later.

Take it easy bro, let us know how it works out!!!

[WRX AJT]

I honestly haven't felt this miserable in a very long time, but I suppose its good in a way. This whole situation has kind of made me realize a few things. One of the more important things would be staying driven to accomplish an objective I have and not worry about the little things life throws at you.

In my OLS (Organization, Leadership, and Supervision) 274 Applied Leadership class the teacher gave us a quote. "You CAN'T change a person. The best you can do is manage their enviornment to make them want to change for themselves" and honestly...I believe it. She used to smoke a lot of pot before I started talking to her, and I told her from the start that I don't tolerate that stuff...so if she wants to be with me it has to stop or severely be reduced. Believe it or not, she actually stopped...until last Saturday when all of this went down. I understand that it was a daily habit and it's hard to break it, but if she stopped to actually have a chance with me why not just stop for good?

As I probably mentioned before, it's killing me not talking to her! It's probably for the best in this situation though. As the days pass it's getting easier and easier for me to kind of forget about everything. I just have to stay busy and really focus on what matters most to me...racing

I really do honestly appreciate everyone giving their view on it. This is exactly why I keep coming back, because the people on this forum honestly care about helping people with their problems etc.

A few questions to ponder...

1) Would it be likely that she wanted a break because I wasn't wanting to score a homerun? I'm one of the few guys who has morals and values, and isn't in a relationship just for the "gold".

2) Could she honestly be confused about really liking me and yet still loving her ex?

3) *Just throwing this out here* Does she think that I'm too good for her?

Once again, thank you to everyone for giving me some insight...

[uberinquisitive]

Originally Posted by WRX AJT

1) Would it be likely that she wanted a break because I wasn't wanting to score a homerun? I'm one of the few guys who has morals and values, and isn't in a relationship just for the "gold".

2) Could she honestly be confused about really liking me and yet still loving her ex?

3) *Just throwing this out here* Does she think that I'm too good for her?

1. Maybe.

2. Maybe

3. Maybe

Why don't you ask her, instead of us?

As I probably mentioned before, it's killing me not talking to her! It's probably for the best in this situation though.

Best for the situation how? You want to talk to her, and it causes you distress to distance yourself. But, your ego is saying, "once bitten, twice shy...she's not getting to me again."

To me, it sounds like you'd rather be right than happy.

[WRX AJT]

I just posted a new thread to really sum up everything. I hope what I've learned is worth all the effort...

[robc]

Originally Posted by WRX AJT

2) Could she honestly be confused about really liking me and yet still loving her ex?

3) *Just throwing this out here* Does she think that I'm too good for her?

Once again, thank you to everyone for giving me some insight...

She could definitely be confused about what she wants.

It happens to men & women, we think we know what we want, we get it and then we're not so sure anymore that what we have is really what we want.

Especially in relationships, people leave one relationship to get another one but if they don't really change the person they are before entering a new relationship, if they don't determine the things they did (not their partner) to cause problems in the relationship, they will just repeat the same mistakes and cause the same problems in their next relationship.

That's the problem with most relationships.
People will drop one partner to get with another one because they think the new partner will represent a new beginning and way to start fresh & new without any problems from their past relationship. That doesn't work though.
We can't control our partners, we can only control ourselves. When we try to control our partners, it causes conflict. We should only be worried about controlling our own actions.

I don't think you did anything wrong telling her to stop smoking pot.
You gave her a choice, If she wants to be with you, she would quit smoking.
If she doesn't want to be with you, she can continue smoking and not be with you. You are controlling your life and your environment by saying this is what I want in my life, you can be with me if you want to stop smoking.

She had control of her actions, you aren't forcing her to be with you. Quite the opposite, you gave her a choice, continue her old life but without you, or change her pot smoking habit and be with you. You didn't force her to do anything.

If she wants to be with her ex BF, let her. You can't control her and force her to be with you and technically you wouldn't want to either. If you have to control someone and force them to be with you, how much benefit do you get out of that. If love isn't given freely, it's worth nothing.

Let her choose who she wants to be with, set standards for yourself so that only the person you want to be with will be in your life. Don't control her, let her be as she is. If she wants to be with you, she will change and here's the catch, she won't change for you, she will change for herself, to make herself better not for you but for herself.

And for yourself, be the best you can be for you. Not for her or anyone else.
Take care of yourself first, be the best you can be for you and in your next relationship. Do what you can to make the next relationship a great one. When you can do that, you will experience true happiness and no regrets. Remember, you did it for yourself and no one else.

p.s. I don't think she thinks that you are too good for her but then again we're trying to assume someone else's thoughts so there really is no way of finding that out (unless you speak with her).

If you want, ask her out for coffee, just to talk and don't leave any questions unanswered, be honest, put the relationship aside. No fighting, arguing, just find out what happened, be honest about your feelings and what you thought and ask her to do the same. If she doesn't agree to do this, again, you can't control her, you can only control you and you'll probably get the answers you were looking for, one way or the other.

Good Luck!

[Jamie]

Originally Posted by WRX AJT

I'm a responsible driver and always consider the other people on the road.

Good to hear! Sorry if I was too cutting with you before, you sound like a pretty decent chap. All the best to you.

[mej023]

Dude - You're a control freak. What if she had tattoos and you started dating her and then later you gave her the ultimatum that if she wanted to be with you then she would have to get the tattoos removed because you were down on tattoos?

Move on and get clear on what your perfect woman would be like. You will meet her shortly after that.

[WRX AJT]

Jamie - Don't worry about it. A lot of people assume that I'm a careless driver, but fail to realize I'm a respectful citizen and will do everything possible to use caution. I honestly can't even count the number of times I've had cars pull up next to me wanting to race, but when they take off I don't because it isn't the right time nor place to race my car.

Mej023 - I'm not a control freak. I never will be a control freak. I have let her do whatever she wants, but have ask politely for her not to smoke. If she had tattoo's that would be fine. I find them rather interesting to be honest...