Dealing with Girlfriend's Sexual Past

[Interpreneur]

I have been dating a wonderful woman for a few months now. She's in her lates 20s, divorced for 4 years, and has 3 children.

This week I learned that at one point about 5 years ago my girlfriend and her sister (who has been my employee for a few years) swapped husbands for one night as part of a drunken bet during a vacation trip to Las Vegas. Apparently they were all staying in the same room as had sort of a foursome, although the details are not very clear.

This surprised me for many reasons, but mostly because I would have never expected this from my girlfriend, even if it happened in her younger, drunken days (although I never knew she had any drunken days in her past).

I found out after her sister's husband told me that he had "f****d my girlfriend" during one of his jealous rants. I asked her sister if there was any truth to that, and at first she denied it, but since I know her so well, I knnew there was something to the story.

Eventually she told me what happened that one night in Vegas, but during the conversation she also mentioned that even though my girlfriend has settled down since her divorce, that she is "no saint" and that there are a lot of things I don't know about her.

Now, I have had a pretty wild sexual past myself, which I have not told my girlfriend about because I'm afraid she'll judge me the wrong way. But now that I know about this, I'm not sure how to deal with it.

The thought of my GF being a little freaky like I was before I met her is a huge turn on, but on the other hand, she has changed my life for the better and we have had a very clean and respectful relationship.

So basically I don't know if I should come clean about my sexual past in hopes of her coming clean about hers....or if bringing any of this up is a big mistake that will damage the relationship.

Considering the sinfulness of her "youthful indiscretion" (because it also involved her own sister), I'm not sure if she will be willing to discuss that with me.

Any advice?

[The Cloud]

As long as you continue to judge your past, you'll continue to judge hers as well. If you want to get past this, then you need to learn to accept your own past. I would suggest telling her, without asking for forgiveness. Your past is past and much less important than what is happening right now. If you can show her that you aren't repulsed by your own past, then she may feel that she can tell you hers without fear of judgment. Even if she doesn't, you'll have the relief of having forgiven yourself and relieving your burden of guilt.

[Jennihul]

If you trade stories to turn each other on, fine. People do worse things for that aim.

If you are confessing your past just to get her to confess hers, you are significantly insecure and it can only lead to problems.

'Don't ask, don't tell' is my philosophy, among others that are geared toward mutual respect, and low and behold I have a marriage people admire.

Jennifer

[robc]

Originally Posted by Interpreneur

I have been dating a wonderful woman for a few months now. She's in her lates 20s, divorced for 4 years, and has 3 children.

This week I learned that at one point about 5 years ago my girlfriend and her sister (who has been my employee for a few years) swapped husbands for one night as part of a drunken bet during a vacation trip to Las Vegas. Apparently they were all staying in the same room as had sort of a foursome, although the details are not very clear.

This surprised me for many reasons, but mostly because I would have never expected this from my girlfriend, even if it happened in her younger, drunken days (although I never knew she had any drunken days in her past).

I found out after her sister's husband told me that he had "f****d my girlfriend" during one of his jealous rants. I asked her sister if there was any truth to that, and at first she denied it, but since I know her so well, I knnew there was something to the story.

Eventually she told me what happened that one night in Vegas, but during the conversation she also mentioned that even though my girlfriend has settled down since her divorce, that she is "no saint" and that there are a lot of things I don't know about her.

Now, I have had a pretty wild sexual past myself, which I have not told my girlfriend about because I'm afraid she'll judge me the wrong way. But now that I know about this, I'm not sure how to deal with it.

The thought of my GF being a little freaky like I was before I met her is a huge turn on, but on the other hand, she has changed my life for the better and we have had a very clean and respectful relationship.

So basically I don't know if I should come clean about my sexual past in hopes of her coming clean about hers....or if bringing any of this up is a big mistake that will damage the relationship.

Considering the sinfulness of her "youthful indiscretion" (because it also involved her own sister), I'm not sure if she will be willing to discuss that with me.

Any advice?

If you want to talk about your past, tell each other that you've had several partners (no actual number) and that you've been responsible & safe (no std's, condoms, birth control, etc. speaking of which, have you both been tested, if not, why not?). Other than that, don't go into specifics about what you did with past partners, who your past partners were, etc. Indirectly you can setup a rivalry this way which can lead to jealousy.

What if you had seven partners in the past and she had 27? Or vice versa?
You might say to yourself, wow, she has more experience than I do.
You might be questioning yourself at that point, feel insecure, lose some self-esteem, might view your partner negatively, etc.

Your past is your past, leave it there. Leave her's there as well.
Bring up the past, you will bring up the problems of the past, it is guaranteed.
You can't change the past, thinking about it, focusing your energy on it will remove your energy & focus on the present and your present will suffer because of it.

Enjoy your present, leave the past alone, get butt wild with your girlfriend and enjoy the benefits that you provide to each other in the present without worrying about the past or the future. Just have fun.

Leave the past where it is, that's my advice.
Don't judge her and she won't judge you. Make that a pattern of behavior to repeat and you have a solid relationship - trust me!!!

[missing]

there seem to be more red flags with this girl than can be overcome, based on what you've said. No I don't know her and perhaps she does make you happy, but that happiness could come at a price. The three children thing really concerns me. You should research the legal situation where you live and make sure you don't get suckered into child support. Sounds absurd but in Washington state just living with a woman and her kids for six months makes you liable. Even if you don't have to pay for the kids they really add a seperate element into this that complicates things big time. It just sounds like she's got a lot of baggage in general. Perhaps you do as well and that's why you make a good match, but I just see it as a powder keg waiting to explode. But perhaps deep down that is what you are looking for?

[Squid]

Based on your story it sounds like your girlfriend didn't volunteer this information? It's a shame that you were informed of that in an inappropriate context.

That said, your girlfriend is under no obligation to tell you about her sexual history unless it will directly affect you (in the case of an STD). Just as you have the right to maintain your own private history with your sexuality. Stories about sexual history are not need to know information, and their divulgence is usually dependent on their partners comfort level. Maybe she felt you would judge her or think differently of her and that's why she didn't say anything? She's entitled to that.

It's a terrible shame that someone said such a personal thing to you. Consider your own feelings in the case of an ex partner of yours calling your lady up and giving her all the gory details about your sexual encounters. Would you like that? Would you feel ashamed or fearful of judgment?

Personally I don't feel that knowing my partners history, short of health concerns, could provide any insight or positive information that would be beneficial to my relationship.

[Tigerlilly]

I guess the question is what you really desire, what's your aim in telling her about your sexual past?

If you get the feel that her past is a secret that's bothering her, and you want to let her know you love her no matter what, I think bringing the topic up on neutral grounds would be a better way to go about it. I don't know, maybe rent a movie that deals with this sort of thing and make your pov on it clear in chatting about that movie. Any way you could let her know how you feel in a way that is safe and comfy for her and doesn't make demands on her to open up.

If you don't feel like it's anything bothering her, just accept it silently and move on with your life together.

If on the other hand your past is a secret that's bothering you and you wish to come clear of it and find acceptance with her, then I guess there's no way but to tell her about it. It's true that the only acceptance that really matters can come from yourself, but I think it's also natural that you wish to be accepted by your mate for who you really are. And I wouldn't underestimate the healing quality of love, I do believe that bringing "secrets" to the light in a safe surrounding and having them accepted has just this healing effect.

But fact is you can't force other people to reveal themselves to you just as it's a bad idea to rip their clothing off their backs, even if you truly believe a little sunshine would do them good. So you can't expect your girlfriend to tell you of whatever part of her past might be bothering her and it'd be disrespectful to try to push her in any sort of way to do so.

Then again if you feel turned on by her having a wild past just like you, and maybe you want to bring it up to rekindle that past or the wildness of it together in some way, that again is a totally different take on it.

So I guess before you do anything I'd try to become absolutely clear about your motives.

[Alexjstrandberg]

“The Madonna/Whore Complex, Part 1″ | ideaGasms

give that a read and see if it feels right with you.

[Daniel Becerra]

What happens before you, should not bug you.

It's her past, people change. Leave the past behind, really. Unless she does suspicious things, then you shouldn't worry.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by Interpreneur

I have been dating a wonderful woman for a few months now. She's in her lates 20s, divorced for 4 years, and has 3 children.

This week I learned that at one point about 5 years ago my girlfriend and her sister (who has been my employee for a few years) swapped husbands for one night as part of a drunken bet during a vacation trip to Las Vegas. Apparently they were all staying in the same room as had sort of a foursome, although the details are not very clear.

This surprised me for many reasons, but mostly because I would have never expected this from my girlfriend, even if it happened in her younger, drunken days (although I never knew she had any drunken days in her past).

I found out after her sister's husband told me that he had "f****d my girlfriend" during one of his jealous rants. I asked her sister if there was any truth to that, and at first she denied it, but since I know her so well, I knnew there was something to the story.

Eventually she told me what happened that one night in Vegas, but during the conversation she also mentioned that even though my girlfriend has settled down since her divorce, that she is "no saint" and that there are a lot of things I don't know about her.

Now, I have had a pretty wild sexual past myself, which I have not told my girlfriend about because I'm afraid she'll judge me the wrong way. But now that I know about this, I'm not sure how to deal with it.

The thought of my GF being a little freaky like I was before I met her is a huge turn on, but on the other hand, she has changed my life for the better and we have had a very clean and respectful relationship.

So basically I don't know if I should come clean about my sexual past in hopes of her coming clean about hers....or if bringing any of this up is a big mistake that will damage the relationship.

Considering the sinfulness of her "youthful indiscretion" (because it also involved her own sister), I'm not sure if she will be willing to discuss that with me.

Any advice?

If you've got a good thing and she's not acting like a nut now, don't ask about the past. Unless you're going to run for office of course. Just don't let her have new secrets. Dredging up the past is completely unneccesary.