Burnt out on the concept of friendship

[introspective1]

I feel like all the friendships that I am in, I have to be the one to initiate at least 80-90% of the contact. I am so sick of this. I cannot tell who is actually "too busy" to contact me and who is not. sometimes when I send texts/e-mails/ims/whatever to certain friends to ask how they are doing, they say they are ok or whatever but dont ask me how I am in return, but other times they do ask (weird). Its so hard to communicate nowadays, almost EVERYONE claims they dont like to talk on the phone, so they dont call anyone first (I think thats just a cop-out). Well, how are people supposed to develop meaningful, closer friendships? You can only say so much by e-mail or text and it is not as personal as over the phone communication. I am just tired of people playing games. If you dont wanna be friends, just dont return my calls or texts at all, dont be sometimey about it and one minute you pretend you care about me but then the next you really dont give a ****. Then I will befriend someone through Myspace, Facebook, or some other site and we will communicate for a while and all of a sudden they just stop returning messages. I try to send messages twice or call people twice when I dont hear from them but after that I say the hell with them. Maybe that is wrong but I am not going to chase people down and make them communicate with me. No reason for that type of crap. Sometimes when I tell my friends about something going on in my life (over the phone), I just dont hear the enthusiasm that they care even though they may say, "oh thats great you got a job interview" or "man, that sucks that somebody dissed you at work". I dont know what to do. i am so fed up with people and the way they are, that I dont know if I can invite new people into my life. Seems like people only befriend you when they want something or if you can get them a deal.

*tries to calm down*

Whew...what do you guys think? do you find that most people are just too busy to form real friendships? am I giving people too many chances? other thoughts?...

[jester01]

It seems that you have not had the best of luck when it comes to friends.You seem to have made your mind up that all people are the same because you have had some bad experiences with your friendships.Its not a good idea to try to hard in any relationship.My point is, you feel you have to do all the hard work in all your relationships.My advice is to stop,spend some time with yourself.Get to know yourself better and love yourself.Work on your self confidence and you will give off a vibe of self assurance.You will find people will make more of an effort to communicate with you and be around you.
Having read your posting carefully again.I think maybe you could be just going through a bad time with your friends at the moment.Everybody has a time when they need a lot of support and somebody to listen,but everyone is too busy.The times we are living in now everybody is busy and its mostly just to make money or improve career opportunities.

[garentee]

I would try to get involved with some new activity or group of people that share your interests. when you start to do activities with other people, your friends will try to contact you more often. If they do not then it is ok to move on. Friendships are two way streets.

[kxk56]

I am sorry that you are having such experience with friends. If you feel that your friends don't give a damn about you - dump them. Based on your message I feel that you are caring person and all you want to have the same in return. If friends don't care about you then they don't deserve to be your friends. I believe that friendship is a 2 way road: it is not only a luxury of having a support and care from your friends but also a big responsibility. There are many people which don't realize responsibility part.. I see that you do. Find friends sharing that view.. Good luck

[Joukai]

Sometimes friends don't see what you need. I think you should start on giving more value to your friends, and expecting less in return (be reasonable of course, don't be a spineless guy).

Listen to your friends, meet up with them, have fun. Stop worrying about who calls who.

I came from a similar place to what you described, but once I stopped viewing friendship as a give & take relationship, and focused on just being a friend and giving value, my friendships have never been as strong.

It is as Steve says. You give out and it eventually comes back at you. Karma.

Just my 2$, hope it helps.

[LifeFirst]

You don't have friends maybe because you try too hard???


I had a friend who was like that, he always wanted me to call him, to go out with him, and he criticized everything that I did. When I didn't call him on the weekends, he got upset, and started whining. He told me he has respect for himself, I really doubt that after knowing him. He was meat hanging on a hook as far I can tell. He likes to talk, but me personally, I do care about him, but then again, I don't care what he did yesterday, or where he went, or what movie he saw. That stuff is pretty useless to me, and he would always talk about stuff like that. But then when I told him what I did, he would always criticize, which bugged the hell out of me. We made peace, and that peace is for him to remain silent, because that is the best way.

[introspective1]

Originally Posted by kxk56

I am sorry that you are having such experience with friends. If you feel that your friends don't give a damn about you - dump them. Based on your message I feel that you are caring person and all you want to have the same in return. If friends don't care about you then they don't deserve to be your friends. I believe that friendship is a 2 way road: it is not only a luxury of having a support and care from your friends but also a big responsibility. There are many people which don't realize responsibility part.. I see that you do. Find friends sharing that view.. Good luck

Thanks, Kx. That was kinda what I was trying to say...MOST people dont seem to see friendship as a two way street with responsibilites. They just see friendship as something that just is. Something that is supposed to just be there with no work. Its kinda like a relationship in some sorts that you have to work at it.

Originally Posted by Joukai

Sometimes friends don't see what you need. I think you should start on giving more value to your friends, and expecting less in return (be reasonable of course, don't be a spineless guy).

Listen to your friends, meet up with them, have fun. Stop worrying about who calls who.

I came from a similar place to what you described, but once I stopped viewing friendship as a give & take relationship, and focused on just being a friend and giving value, my friendships have never been as strong.

It is as Steve says. You give out and it eventually comes back at you. Karma.

Just my 2$, hope it helps.

I give plenty of value to my friends. I check up on them more than they do me. Yeah, I shouldn't worry about who contacts who, but that shows you who puts in more effort. I take my friendships very seriously (probably too much). I think friendships are a little of GIVE and TAKE. what is wrong with that? give examples of what you mean when you say "give more value to your friends."

Originally Posted by LifeFirst

You don't have friends maybe because you try too hard???


I had a friend who was like that, he always wanted me to call him, to go out with him, and he criticized everything that I did. When I didn't call him on the weekends, he got upset, and started whining. He told me he has respect for himself, I really doubt that after knowing him. He was meat hanging on a hook as far I can tell. He likes to talk, but me personally, I do care about him, but then again, I don't care what he did yesterday, or where he went, or what movie he saw. That stuff is pretty useless to me, and he would always talk about stuff like that. But then when I told him what I did, he would always criticize, which bugged the hell out of me. We made peace, and that peace is for him to remain silent, because that is the best way.

Life, I dont always expect my friends to call nor do I criticize them the way your friend does you. Your friend sounds like the type I would not be able to stand. I hate being criticized by people, which is one reason why I am not open to new friends. People find out more about who you are and they try to exploit your weaknesses. You may not care about what he did yesterday, but if he is a friend you should care about him enough to want to know how his day went, if there were any problems and such. If you want him to remain silent, then it does not sound like much of a friendship.


Maybe, I value friendship TOO much. I had been told this when I was a child and sometimes I start to believe it now as an adult. I just feel so alone b/c I have struggled my whole life to find people who view life and friendships the way I do.

[Rockchick26]

WOW...i actually posted something similar a few weeks ago. I totally know how you feel. A few weeks ago i was feeling really let down by my friends,and i was really fed up with people online too. I had posted an ad on Craiglist for email/chat buddies,someone to communicate with a few times a week at least...and i had done this before and everyone quits emailing after a few times. So this time i posted that i wanted only SERIOUS replies,people who were not going to flake out on me after one or two emails. I got about 7 or 8 replies,and they ALL quit writing to me. I even told them in the first email that it pisses me off when people write then don't write and i was only interested in people who were serious about becoming friends. They all said 'oh yeah i feel the same way'. Then that was their last email to me. WHAT THE HELL!? What is people's deals?! So yeah i'm totally with you on this one,i haven't read any of these other replies yet but i'm excited to see what other people have to say.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by introspective1

I give plenty of value to my friends. I check up on them more than they do me.

I am the SAME way. When they come online,i am ALWAYS first to message them. I am always the first one to send them a long email about how my weekend went,and sometimes my friends don't even reply! That ticks me off so bad,it makes me want to just stop emailing them,but then that's pretty much throwing my friends away,there would be nothing then if i didn't hold it up.

I hate being criticized by people, which is one reason why I am not open to new friends. People find out more about who you are and they try to exploit your weaknesses.

I agree,i get criticized and teased by my friends too. That is probably why i'm so shy with new people because i KNOW how others see me,and i know it's inevitable that these new people will see me the same way,regardless of how i act with them. I am always friendly and nice and up for hanging out with people but they always end up picking on me too then i'm back at square one with this deep desire to have a true meaningful friendship where somebody really LIKES me and WANTS to hang out with me.

You may not care about what he did yesterday, but if he is a friend you should care about him enough to want to know how his day went, if there were any problems and such. If you want him to remain silent, then it does not sound like much of a friendship.

YEAH!!! I wish i could yell this right in everyone's face so they get it! I have friends who know i had a big weekend yet when we talk,they go on and on about THEIR weekend without even asking how mine went. Then if i do get a word in,their comments are always one word or one sentence long,then its back to them again. I think people are just too selfish. I have one friend who i chat with almost every day,but its not meaningful to me because i'll ask him a question and i have to wait like 5-10 minutes for the answer because he is so engrossed in telling me about his day that he sometimes doesnt even SEE when i ask him a question!

So i think the thing is people are just too selfish. I think people aren't as selfish when they get older,but that really sucks then for younger people because we can't wait a few decades to have friends that care!

I just feel so alone b/c I have struggled my whole life to find people who view life and friendships the way I do.

Yep,once again,i hear ya! Sometimes i seem to find it but then that person eventually goes their own way too. I have had and lost probably 4 or 5 best friends in my life. Some people say "well you're lucky you even had that many!" and i say "yeah but,doesn't anyone get my point?! If they were such good friends why did they leave me!?" People don't change THAT much...i mean i can see if one person wanted to go through some huge personality shift and go live in the woods for a few years,but people don't change that drastically,so WHY can't two best friends remain best friends!? With me,the longer i know someone,the more i want to keep that friendship,but with everyone else it seems like it's the opposite,they seem to feel like friendships are something that run their course and then they have to end. WHYYYYYYY do people feel that way!?

[sheffy4]

I haven't seen you reference any times that you physically hang out with your friends. Are these exclusively online/phone relationships?
If they are, then what you are describing makes sense (to me). Friendships grow stronger by spending time and bonding over activities with that person. The bond would be significantly weaker if there was no physical contact and the two "friends" never bonded over a mutual experience. If the friendship is only virtual, it might be easy for one or both people to forget that there is a real person behind the screen name. Plus, both people have lives outside of the internet/phone relationship that the other person may not know about, simply because they are not physically present, and it may be "too much work" to try to explain this other life to the friend who is never there.

If this is true for you, I would recommend basing your friendships on shared experiences. Find people in the real world to be friends with. Don't just text the person, invite them over to your house to watch a movie, or have dinner or coffee together, go bowling! Do something fun so it will reinforce the pleasure of the friendship.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by introspective1

I feel like all the friendships that I am in, I have to be the one to initiate at least 80-90% of the contact.

Your problem is that you are using the "contact initiation ratio" to rate the strength/value of the friendship, but that is a very poor measure.

It is actually pretty rare to have friendships that are perfectly balanced, where A is the first to call B just as many times as B is first to call A. I don't have a single one of those. A fair few friendships exist because I am the one who keeps the ball rolling and there is also a good number of people who must keep reminding me that they would like to be a part of my life.

In groups (and that includes duos), there are always herders (those who take initiative) and sheep (those who follow initiative). You need at least one herder to keep the group together and groups comprised of herders alone are very rare, because they will quickly attract a bunch of sheep. In every group you're in you get to decide whether you want to be a sheep or a herder. If you choose to be a herder, don't expect the sheep to lead you around. If you are tired of being a herder in one group, find another group where you can be a sheep!

(Note: I don't mean to imply that herders are somehow better than sheep - just that they have a different roles in the relationship)

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Your problem is that you are using the "contact initiation ratio" to rate the strength/value of the friendship, but that is a very poor measure.

It is actually pretty rare to have friendships that are perfectly balanced, where A is the first to call B just as many times as B is first to call A. I don't have a single one of those. A fair few friendships exist because I am the one who keeps the ball rolling and there is also a good number of people who must keep reminding me that they would like to be a part of my life.

In groups (and that includes duos), there are always herders (those who take initiative) and sheep (those who follow initiative). You need at least one herder to keep the group together and groups comprised of herders alone are very rare, because they will quickly attract a bunch of sheep. In every group you're in you get to decide whether you want to be a sheep or a herder. If you choose to be a herder, don't expect the sheep to lead you around. If you are tired of being a herder in one group, find another group where you can be a sheep!

(Note: I don't mean to imply that herders are somehow better than sheep - just that they have a different roles in the relationship)

lol This sheep/herder analogy is interesting. It really makes you think of which one you are,with each of your friendships. I have always been a sheep but i've been trying to become more outgoing and get plans going,so i've been trying to be a herder lately,but it backfires quite often. Does this happen to other herders? Like,i've been trying to get me and 2 friends together for about a year now. Every single time i set a date,one of them can't make it. So i feel like,even when i TRY to get a plan going,it still cant work out! That's when you just start to think maybe you just suck at having friends,like maybe there's something deeper going on than just 'i can't make it'. Where do you draw the line,and finally cut your ties with people who constantly bail on you?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

lol This sheep/herder analogy is interesting. It really makes you think of which one you are,with each of your friendships. I have always been a sheep but i've been trying to become more outgoing and get plans going,so i've been trying to be a herder lately,but it backfires quite often. Does this happen to other herders?

Of course. The analogy only goes so far - you don't own the flock, like a real sheep herder does, so naturally they will not always do your bidding.

Like,i've been trying to get me and 2 friends together for about a year now. Every single time i set a date,one of them can't make it. So i feel like,even when i TRY to get a plan going,it still cant work out! That's when you just start to think maybe you just suck at having friends,like maybe there's something deeper going on than just 'i can't make it'. Where do you draw the line,and finally cut your ties with people who constantly bail on you?

That is for you to decide.

[DayInTheLife]

Sometimes when I tell my friends about something going on in my life (over the phone), I just dont hear the enthusiasm that they care even though they may say, "oh thats great you got a job interview" or "man, that sucks that somebody dissed you at work". I dont know what to do. i am so fed up with people and the way they are, that I dont know if I can invite new people into my life. Seems like people only befriend you when they want something or if you can get them a deal.

Read what you wrote here very carefully.

It sounds like there is something you want friends to provide you with. Ask yourself this: what's in it for them?

To be honest, if all a friend wants me for is to talk about themselves, why would I call them? Do you take a genuine interest in what they do and what they value?

I don't know what the dynamic is like between you and your friends, but it sounds like you are more concerned with what you are getting than what you are offering.

It could also be that the people you are 'friends' with are not really a good match for you.

[introspective1]

Originally Posted by sheffy4

I haven't seen you reference any times that you physically hang out with your friends. Are these exclusively online/phone relationships?
If they are, then what you are describing makes sense (to me). Friendships grow stronger by spending time and bonding over activities with that person. The bond would be significantly weaker if there was no physical contact and the two "friends" never bonded over a mutual experience. If the friendship is only virtual, it might be easy for one or both people to forget that there is a real person behind the screen name. Plus, both people have lives outside of the internet/phone relationship that the other person may not know about, simply because they are not physically present, and it may be "too much work" to try to explain this other life to the friend who is never there.

If this is true for you, I would recommend basing your friendships on shared experiences. Find people in the real world to be friends with. Don't just text the person, invite them over to your house to watch a movie, or have dinner or coffee together, go bowling! Do something fun so it will reinforce the pleasure of the friendship.

a great deal of these friendships I am referring to are online/phone friendships, but not all of them. I do understand what you mean by the other person having a life that the other may not know about, especially when you dont live in the same city.

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Your problem is that you are using the "contact initiation ratio" to rate the strength/value of the friendship, but that is a very poor measure.

It is actually pretty rare to have friendships that are perfectly balanced, where A is the first to call B just as many times as B is first to call A. I don't have a single one of those. A fair few friendships exist because I am the one who keeps the ball rolling and there is also a good number of people who must keep reminding me that they would like to be a part of my life.

In groups (and that includes duos), there are always herders (those who take initiative) and sheep (those who follow initiative). You need at least one herder to keep the group together and groups comprised of herders alone are very rare, because they will quickly attract a bunch of sheep. In every group you're in you get to decide whether you want to be a sheep or a herder. If you choose to be a herder, don't expect the sheep to lead you around. If you are tired of being a herder in one group, find another group where you can be a sheep!

(Note: I don't mean to imply that herders are somehow better than sheep - just that they have a different roles in the relationship)

Well, if it is rare to have friendships that are perfectly balanced then why do people say friendships(and relationships) are 50/50 as far as effort goes? Or does that just apply to romantic relationships? The herder/sheep analogy is great, but sometimes, I wonder why I am usually the herder. I dont think it is purely coincidence. I guess other people are just not as interested in friendship as I am. I feel like I need to find some good friends now (at 25) because the older people get, the more jaded/bitter people become and they become less trusting and valuing of their friends (at least based on the people i know), making it harder to find true friends.

I guess I use the contact ratio to measure friendships cause I feel like if I have to always initiate contact then the other person does not think or worry about my well being which I guess thats part of what a friend is. I just dont feel like I should almost always keep the friendship rolling. I get tired of that after a while and think I am just bugging the person so sometimes, I just give up on the friendship

Originally Posted by DayInTheLife

Read what you wrote here very carefully.

It sounds like there is something you want friends to provide you with. Ask yourself this: what's in it for them?

To be honest, if all a friend wants me for is to talk about themselves, why would I call them? Do you take a genuine interest in what they do and what they value?

I don't know what the dynamic is like between you and your friends, but it sounds like you are more concerned with what you are getting than what you are offering.

It could also be that the people you are 'friends' with are not really a good match for you.

Well, it is not about me! I feel like I provide my friends with someone they can call on anytime for advice and concern. I just want that in return. sometimes, I do need to vent about things and it would be nice if I could have friends to do that who do not judge me or put me down for that. I also like to know what is going on in their lives.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by introspective1

Well, if it is rare to have friendships that are perfectly balanced then why do people say friendships(and relationships) are 50/50 as far as effort goes?

I imagine a lot of people, most of them sheep, feel that there is a 50/50 effort going into their relationships - but that doesn't mean it is true.

Likewise, what you perceive as 20/80 may in reality be closer to 45/55, but that is not how you perceive it. And you perceive that imbalance as a problem, while I think you should not be worried about it.

Or does that just apply to romantic relationships?

I think you'll find that 50/50 romantic relationships are also rare.

The herder/sheep analogy is great, but sometimes, I wonder why I am usually the herder. I dont think it is purely coincidence. I guess other people are just not as interested in friendship as I am.

You are the herder mostly because you actively pursue new friendships. Maybe you're just trying to hard. Why not just hang back for a while and see what happens? Who knows, maybe even a few of your sheep will decide to become herders to you...

Nothing is set in stone!

I feel like I need to find some good friends now (at 25) because the older people get, the more jaded/bitter people become and they become less trusting and valuing of their friends (at least based on the people i know), making it harder to find true friends.

You are making some assumptions here. Be careful about the jaded/bitter thing, because that is a self-fulfilling prophecy: if you walk around thinking people grow jaded/bitter as they get older, you will see the evidence for it and grow ever more jaded/bitter yourself...

You can also choose to have a more positive outlook for yourself

I guess I use the contact ratio to measure friendships cause I feel like if I have to always initiate contact then the other person does not think or worry about my well being which I guess thats part of what a friend is. I just dont feel like I should almost always keep the friendship rolling. I get tired of that after a while and think I am just bugging the person so sometimes, I just give up on the friendship

Yes, the world is unfair... but you cannot change the whole world to confirm to your particular concept of fairness. What you can do is decide how you are going to let that perceived unfairness affect you.

With regard to friendships, I find that the less I worry about gaining friendships, the more friendships I have - some are long lasting, many are fleeting.

[sheffy4]

In groups (and that includes duos), there are always herders (those who take initiative) and sheep (those who follow initiative).

Jim, this is a great analogy. And I agree that friendships are pretty much never 50/50.

I wonder why I am usually the herder. I dont think it is purely coincidence. I guess other people are just not as interested in friendship as I am.

Introspective,
You're right that it's not a coincidence. Maybe your friends sense that you are a natural leader, so they wait for you to call them.
Or if that's not that case, they may just have a different idea of friendship than you do. Perhaps for them, being in a friendship means hanging out very rarely. Or perhaps they don't think that friendships require constant maintenance.
I understand that you are bothered when you feel you always have to be the one to initiate contact, but also weigh the "inconvenience" with the value of the friendship. For instance, if I want to hang out with a friend, I usually don't just wait for them to call. And I don't get angry if they don't read my mind and call me first. The point is that you are spending time together, and to me it's not important who initiated it. I guess you have to ask yourself, are these friendships valuable enough for me to pursue them, even if I feel I am putting forth more effort than my friends? If they are valuable, than just accept that you may have to be the person who initiates contact most of the time. If you don't think it's worth it, then just stop contacting them, and if they are as lazy as you say, then the friendship will just dissolve.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by sheffy4

I don't get angry if they don't read my mind and call me first.

I don't get angry if they don't call me first,i get angry when they don't call for MONTHS,then suddenly they need me to show up for their birthday party. Well what about the rest of the year? I hate when people don't keep up a friendship then expect their friends to be there for them for their birthday! Its like a car...you don't park it in the grass and neglect the oil and then once a year you expect it to start up and purr like a kitten.

[Rockchick26]

This just happened right now,so i figured i'd post about it. This bugs me too. Ok i have this friend that i've been talking to online for like 5 years. We live 5 hours apart but have met like 10 times. Every day he comes online,he never says hi,i have to say hi first. His messenger says "online" yet he won't talk unless I do. Then,when i do start talking to him,he says "i'm gonna watch tv for the rest of the night" but he leaves his messenger on and won't reply to me! I'm watching tv too,can't he watch tv AND chat with me? Its almost like he doesnt care if we ever talk. If someone has messenger,and has it set to "online",it bugs me when they would rather do something else and completely ignore you.

[introspective1]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I don't get angry if they don't call me first,i get angry when they don't call for MONTHS,then suddenly they need me to show up for their birthday party. Well what about the rest of the year? I hate when people don't keep up a friendship then expect their friends to be there for them for their birthday! Its like a car...you don't park it in the grass and neglect the oil and then once a year you expect it to start up and purr like a kitten.

This is what I was referring to. I hate it when your friends only call because of a special occasion or only when they wanna hang out! that aggrevates the crap out of me. You have no time for me otherwise, but when something like that happens, all of a sudden you have time for me. Sheffy, thats what I meant.

Like I have this one friend, who I have only known a few months. He moved back to this area to take care of sick parents, about a year and a few months ago and does not have many friends. He does not work because he cant find work, so mostly all he does is take care of his parents, which is great. However, the only time I hear from him is when he is bored on a friday or saturday night. I will text him during the week and ask how things are holding up with him, how is his job search, etc. He says he is ok, but then his next text message is, "are you free on friday?", "what about saturday?" or "I need to get out of the house". He rarely asks how I am doing and sometimes when I ask if he is ok, the only thing he will say is "are you free tonight?" or something like that. So basically he only talks to me when he is bored and his parents get on his nerves. I am just friends with him because I feel sorry for his situation with not being able to find a job and having to move back to a place he hates. I hate hanging out with him but I feel sorry for him and I know what it is like to move to a place where you really dont have friends and trying to make friends, so I am trying to be there for him, but I feel like he does not care about me until he is ready to hang out.

[jsot]

Originally Posted by sheffy4

The point is that you are spending time together, and to me it's not important who initiated it.

Yes, but how do you know that actually want to talk to you and are not just too polite to say that they'd rather not?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by introspective1

I am just friends with him because I feel sorry for his situation

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are not his friend - you are only using him to feel good about yourself and that is, apparently, not working out. If you were his friend, you would gladly hang out with him on fridays to help him take his mind of the care for his parents, his not finding jobs, etc.

Also, I think you should be thankful for the people who want to keep you in their social circle by inviting you to birthdays and other events (even if you hardly ever meet on other occasions). Such social events are excellent places to meet new friends and keep up with existing friends - with all of whom you can possibly develop a closer relationship later on.

Of course, no one is forcing you to go to these birthdays or keep those friendships.

[introspective1]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are not his friend - you are only using him to feel good about yourself and that is, apparently, not working out. If you were his friend, you would gladly hang out with him on fridays to help him take his mind of the care for his parents, his not finding jobs, etc.

No, He is USING ME. The only time he acts like I exist is when he needs to get out of the house. The only reason he asks me to hang out with is cause he doesnt have many friends and is desperate to hang around somebody, and that just happens to be me because it is convenient for him. I always ask how he is but he could give a crap about the things goin on in my life.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by introspective1

This is what I was referring to. I hate it when your friends only call because of a special occasion or only when they wanna hang out! that aggrevates the crap out of me. You have no time for me otherwise, but when something like that happens, all of a sudden you have time for me. Sheffy, thats what I meant.

Like I have this one friend, who I have only known a few months. He moved back to this area to take care of sick parents, about a year and a few months ago and does not have many friends. He does not work because he cant find work, so mostly all he does is take care of his parents, which is great. However, the only time I hear from him is when he is bored on a friday or saturday night. I will text him during the week and ask how things are holding up with him, how is his job search, etc. He says he is ok, but then his next text message is, "are you free on friday?", "what about saturday?" or "I need to get out of the house". He rarely asks how I am doing and sometimes when I ask if he is ok, the only thing he will say is "are you free tonight?" or something like that. So basically he only talks to me when he is bored and his parents get on his nerves. I am just friends with him because I feel sorry for his situation with not being able to find a job and having to move back to a place he hates. I hate hanging out with him but I feel sorry for him and I know what it is like to move to a place where you really dont have friends and trying to make friends, so I am trying to be there for him, but I feel like he does not care about me until he is ready to hang out.

Yeah,ugh...i hate friends like that! I have this guy friend,well,i actually kinda dated him a few times,but he only calls me when he buys a new car so he can show it off to me,or when he buys something for his car. I told him the first time i don't get impressed by that stuff,in fact it turns me off when a guy has to prove himself by his possessions. Yet he still only calls me when he has to show off something.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are not his friend - you are only using him to feel good about yourself and that is, apparently, not working out. If you were his friend, you would gladly hang out with him on fridays to help him take his mind of the care for his parents, his not finding jobs, etc.

Huh? How are you getting that Introspective is using his friend? He hangs out with him because he knows his friend needs him,but his friend isn't there for him,only when his friend is bored.

Also, I think you should be thankful for the people who want to keep you in their social circle by inviting you to birthdays and other events (even if you hardly ever meet on other occasions). Such social events are excellent places to meet new friends and keep up with existing friends - with all of whom you can possibly develop a closer relationship later on.

But the reason why people invite all their friends to their birthday parties is for THEIR sake,so they can feel like they have a ton of friends and life is good cuz all their friends are still good enough to come spend their day with them. That is horrible. The only people i want to spend my birthday with are the friends i normally see on a regular basis,not people i haven't spoken to in 364 days.

Of course, no one is forcing you to go to these birthdays or keep those friendships.

No, but if you don't go,then they turn YOU into the *******. I have gone to yearly birthday parties (where i dont see the people all year round) only because I dont want them turning it around saying i am a bad friend,because obviously i'm the better friend for showing up. I have a horrible time at their parties but i do it for them,i dont know why i care so much. I care too much.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by introspective1

I am just friends with him because I feel sorry for his situation with not being able to find a job and having to move back to a place he hates. I hate hanging out with him but I feel sorry for him and I know what it is like to move to a place where you really dont have friends and trying to make friends, so I am trying to be there for him, but I feel like he does not care about me until he is ready to hang out.

If you were my friend for those reasons and hated hanging out with me, I doubt I would be too inspired to be a stellar friend to you. Sure you most likely don't say these things to him, but people can feel your attitude -- that you hate hanging out with him and are only friends with him because you feel sorry for him -- probably doesn't feel very good. Quite similar to how it makes you feel that he doesn't ask about your day.

There is a proverb in the bible: A man who has friends must show himself friendly.

You have to be the friend you'd want.

[Angela]

Well, said, {aspiring}!

You folks who are complaining about how much you hate your friends, how you're not satisfied that they are doing their fair share, they are using you, etc..... It's not them, it's you.

Actually, it's always not them, it's always you.

As long as you refuse to take 100% responsibility for your life, you will be at the effect of external forces like these people who drive you crazy. You have a choice! You can be the source of your own satisfaction.

[sheffy4]

Originally Posted by jsot

Yes, but how do you know that actually want to talk to you and are not just too polite to say that they'd rather not?

I don't really have this problem because me and my friends are really honest with each other. If I'm done talking to them, or I don't feel like talking, I say so, and they have told me the same thing. Plus I know them well enough to understand the tone of their voice, so if they sound like they don't want to be on the phone, or if they are busy, then I take the hint and say, "ok, well I'll let you go now."
I guess I'm just at a point where my friendships are straight forward. I don't like drama like "does he really want to hang out, or is he just saying it because I ask him to?" I used to worry about that when I was a teenager, but I'm much more secure with myself and my friends now. Maybe it just comes with age (not to say that I am old and wise, I'm only 23).

[drummbellina]

To me you sound like one of those friends who calls too much, NEEDY in a word. You've probably expressed your neediness in those first emails to the people from craigslist and turned them off.

Sorry to be blunt!

It's like when you date someone. There's nothing more off-putting than if they end up wanting to see you all the time, calling all the time, cuddle all the time, etc. Better to have a break from each other and have a life of your own in between.

Also you have to realise that people are busy these days. I sometimes don't call my best friend for a couple of months or she won't call me cos we've been busy with other stuff. There's no resentment, we just get together when we can and catch up.

I've been meaning to meet up with another friend for dinner for about 3 weeks but I've been too busy or she's been too busy, eventually one of us will call the other and we'll both be free and we'll meet up and have a great time catching up. We understand that we have our own lives to get on with!


Hope that makes sense.


Rockchick26 said

"This just happened right now,so i figured i'd post about it. This bugs me too. Ok i have this friend that i've been talking to online for like 5 years. We live 5 hours apart but have met like 10 times. Every day he comes online,he never says hi,i have to say hi first. His messenger says "online" yet he won't talk unless I do. Then,when i do start talking to him,he says "i'm gonna watch tv for the rest of the night" but he leaves his messenger on and won't reply to me! I'm watching tv too,can't he watch tv AND chat with me? Its almost like he doesnt care if we ever talk. If someone has messenger,and has it set to "online",it bugs me when they would rather do something else and completely ignore you. "

This is exactly the reason MSN-ing became real boring real quick for me. Just because I happen to have my computer on doesnt mean I want to chat the whole time I'm online, I have my own stuff to do!

And it get's boring chatting to the same person all the time, maybe your friend wanted to chat with one of his other friends or maybe he just wanted a bit of peace after a hard day! A good friend would get that.

[LifeFirst]

Originally Posted by Angela

Well, said, {aspiring}!

You folks who are complaining about how much you hate your friends, how you're not satisfied that they are doing their fair share, they are using you, etc..... It's not them, it's you.

Actually, it's always not them, it's always you.

As long as you refuse to take 100% responsibility for your life, you will be at the effect of external forces like these people who drive you crazy. You have a choice! You can be the source of your own satisfaction.

So what do you suggest we do? What does taking 100% responsibility even mean in this case?

So you're saying to tell your friends the truth about how you don't wanna hang out with them anymore? Well, basically what I did.

But then again, I don't know if I'm more satisfied than before. It's about the same really.


I had a friend who would always ask me offensive/personal questions about me. I told him to stop crossing the line, but he never did. So I made him stop, and in my mind he doesn't exist anymore. It wasn't what I wanted, but it had to be done. Is this what you mean by taking responsibility?