Burnt out on the concept of friendship

[Angela]

LifeFirst, what I mean by taking 100% responsibility is boldly looking at how your life is your own creation, accepting what is so, letting go of shame and blame, making choices and taking the next right action that has you feeling good on purpose.

For instance, in the case of your nosy/offensive pal, rather than just telling your friend to stop, you might have taken a look into your own inner truth for how you had created this friendship, you had allowed certain behavior for some time, and when you were offended, you might have had the opportunity to delve more deeply into the friendship about why he was being nosy & offensive, if you were so inclined. Or, if you felt it was a deal-breaker, than it would mean letting him go with love, rather than resentment.

100% responsibility is about feeling good all the time, amazingly enough.

[introspective1]

Originally Posted by Angela

LifeFirst, what I mean by taking 100% responsibility is boldly looking at how your life is your own creation, accepting what is so, letting go of shame and blame, making choices and taking the next right action that has you feeling good on purpose.

For instance, in the case of your nosy/offensive pal, rather than just telling your friend to stop, you might have taken a look into your own inner truth for how you had created this friendship, you had allowed certain behavior for some time, and when you were offended, you might have had the opportunity to delve more deeply into the friendship about why he was being nosy & offensive, if you were so inclined. Or, if you felt it was a deal-breaker, than it would mean letting him go with love, rather than resentment.

100% responsibility is about feeling good all the time, amazingly enough.

Its impossible to feel good 100% of the time. I dont think anyone on this board, except RockChick, gets what I am sayin. Its hard to develop/maintain closeness to someone if you never get to communicate with them. how can you have a close friend that you hardly ever talk to? sounds like some stupid oxymoron or something. Most of the friendships I am in are developing friendships, so I feel like I have to talk to these people more often to get to know them or they will just forget about me. What is wrong with that? I guess I am in the minority in the way that I view friendship....most people take that crap for granted. I just need to adopt a nonchalant attitude toward friendship so that I dont keep getting hurt. Apparently, everyone is trying to tell me my standards are too high. And to drummbelina, I didnt email anyone off of craigslist so get your facts straight before you call yourself being "blunt". That friend you hardly talk to isnt a friend. Its just somebody there for your convenience when you get bored from your "busy" life. Of course, everybody is busy but is everyone too busy for friends? if a friend had an emergency and needed to talk to me, I would make myself available but am not sure I can say the same thing about them. Now, based on the harsh, judgemental replies I have received, I know how people view friendship. I guess i am wrong to actually value my friends enough to want to keep in touch with them. So, drummbelina, if that makes me NEEDY then I guess thats what I am!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by drummbellina

To me you sound like one of those friends who calls too much, NEEDY in a word. You've probably expressed your neediness in those first emails to the people from craigslist and turned them off.

Actually i don't see myself as THAT needy,i NEVER call people,in fact i hate calling people. The craigslist ad was just to find people who wanted to email/chat. I didnt even need someone to hang out with or talk on the phone with.

It's like when you date someone. There's nothing more off-putting than if they end up wanting to see you all the time, calling all the time, cuddle all the time, etc. Better to have a break from each other and have a life of your own in between.

Oh i totally understand,i've dated guys who were totally clingy and needy and it turned me off. I am not like,desperate,or anything,if thats the vibe you're getting from me. I don't even like to see people during the week,i can sit in my apartment and not go anywhere or see anyone for 5 days straight. But i do like to go out on weekends,but that's why i like to have a few friends cuz then you dont have to see the same ones every weekend. Although,my last best friend i had for 15 years and we hung out every single weekend for 15 years,as well as during the week when we both worked the same shift. Maybe i just got too used to that.

Also you have to realise that people are busy these days. I sometimes don't call my best friend for a couple of months or she won't call me cos we've been busy with other stuff. There's no resentment, we just get together when we can and catch up.

But for a whole year?! I dont care who you are,you are not EVER that busy that you cant call or email someone ONCE in an entire year's time. Even 2 months.

I've been meaning to meet up with another friend for dinner for about 3 weeks but I've been too busy or she's been too busy, eventually one of us will call the other and we'll both be free and we'll meet up and have a great time catching up. We understand that we have our own lives to get on with!

Well 3 weeks isnt bad,i'm not talking about short time spans like that. I'm talking about people who drift apart because they can't even find 5 MINUTES out of a whole year to keep the friendship going.

This is exactly the reason MSN-ing became real boring real quick for me. Just because I happen to have my computer on doesnt mean I want to chat the whole time I'm online, I have my own stuff to do!

I can understand if you want to do something on the computer but not want to chat,but then turn the messenger off so people know not to bother you! My friend leaves his on,ALL the time,even when he's sleeping,at work,all the time. Then he doesn't understand why i get frustrated when i type a bunch of stuff to him and he doesn't reply.

And it get's boring chatting to the same person all the time, maybe your friend wanted to chat with one of his other friends or maybe he just wanted a bit of peace after a hard day! A good friend would get that.

I guess...but like i said,if you want peace from people talking to you online,dont turn your messenger on! lol Simple,really.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by introspective1

Its hard to develop/maintain closeness to someone if you never get to communicate with them. how can you have a close friend that you hardly ever talk to?

I agree! I dont think these people should even call their friends "friends" if they dont even talk to each other more than once every 6 months or whatever. You can't get past the acquaintance level if you don't hang out on a regular basis or at least talk on the phone or online every few days. And for single people,who dont have a significant other,we need somebody to talk to about our day.

And to drummbelina, I didnt email anyone off of craigslist so get your facts straight before you call yourself being "blunt".

Drummbelina was referring to my post I'm the one who was trying to find friends on Craigslist (big joke,if you ask me)

[Angela]

Originally Posted by introspective1

Its impossible to feel good 100% of the time.

I can definitely see where you would believe that, based on what you're saying. Again, it's about taking 100% responsibility, a context in which I have no problem believing in the possibility of feeling good 100% of the time.

Feeling good can be a deliberate act; it doesn't have to be something that you're at the mercy of buffeting winds, as in these relationships that are leaving you feeling so frustrated, angry, and defensive.

You say that you need to adopt a nonchalant attitude to avoid getting hurt, but that keeps you in defensive mode, and defensive mode is not so attractive in developing friendships. I would recommend adopting a creative attitude towards relationships -- or something else that inspires you -- so that you start off feeling good. People want to be friends with (and communicate with!) people who feel good on purpose -- people who are the source of inspiration for feeling good to others.

[Sanity Panda]

I have this problem too.

I don't believe it's possible to be friends with someone purely based on sympathy. That's not friendship at all. It's fake. You both seem to be offering pretty much the same value...

1. A person to hang around.
2. An aquaintance to have a casual chat but rant about.

Either way it's pretty casual.

[Sanity Panda]

Friendship can work out even if people don't regularly chat together. You can care for someone, but not care for the boring details of life. Why do you think there are cases where people can meet up with friends after years, and just simply catch up as if there has no been no time inbetween them.

What's important is the connection believed by both people. Talking and hanging around are means to creating that bond, but they aren't the things that define the relationship. An introvert is going to require less social time than an extravert.

[coLLege kid07]

Originally Posted by LifeFirst

So what do you suggest we do? What does taking 100% responsibility even mean in this case?

So you're saying to tell your friends the truth about how you don't wanna hang out with them anymore? Well, basically what I did.

But then again, I don't know if I'm more satisfied than before. It's about the same really.


I had a friend who would always ask me offensive/personal questions about me. I told him to stop crossing the line, but he never did. So I made him stop, and in my mind he doesn't exist anymore. It wasn't what I wanted, but it had to be done. Is this what you mean by taking responsibility?

Taking responsibility means complete acceptance of what is. It means whatever situation you find yourself in or whatever you going through, you should take 100% responsibility for it as if you created it. (well you did=/) This is where there hard part comes in because it is extremely easy just to say "Why would I want this, why would I create this, ect.?" but the bottom line is by doing this you just create more of what you don't want. Do you want to create more of what you don't want or do you want to accept the situation fully and do something about it? Frankly those are your two options...everything else is insane. Do you want pain (keep complaining, don't do anything about the situation) or peace (acceptance, taking action, ect.) ?

[introspective1]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

And for single people,who dont have a significant other,we need somebody to talk to about our day.



Drummbelina was referring to my post I'm the one who was trying to find friends on Craigslist (big joke,if you ask me)

Sorry, Rockchick, I was just ranting and not realizing who she was referring to! lol

yeah, I totally agree with what you are saying! What does everyone think about single people who dont have a significant other, but need someone to ask about how our day went or needing someone that we hang out with on a regular basis? To me, that is part of friendship! Alot of people just wanna be your friend when it is convenient for them.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by introspective1

What does everyone think about single people who dont have a significant other, but need someone to ask about how our day went or needing someone that we hang out with on a regular basis? To me, that is part of friendship! Alot of people just wanna be your friend when it is convenient for them.

Aren't you one of the people who wants friends as convenience when you 'need' them to ask about how your day went?

I don't need anything from my friends, but they give me plenty.

[norbert]

Originally Posted by introspective1

Maybe, I value friendship TOO much. I had been told this when I was a child and sometimes I start to believe it now as an adult. I just feel so alone b/c I have struggled my whole life to find people who view life and friendships the way I do.

Did you notice that when you find such people they always somehow seem to live on the other half of the planet?

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Sanity Panda

Friendship can work out even if people don't regularly chat together. You can care for someone, but not care for the boring details of life.

Well,maybe if youre married you dont need someone for that,but i'm single and live alone so i need someone that i can talk to about the boring details of my life.

Like Why do you think there are cases where people can meet up with friends after years, and just simply catch up as if there has no been no time inbetween them.

Well,i think that is sometimes possible,it helps if you've been friends for like,8 or 9 years or more. But its still kinda wierd. I have a few friends that i see only like once a year but ive known them for like 15 years so then its kinda ok but its still wierd.

An introvert is going to require less social time than an extravert.

I am an introvert but i need to talk to people online every day,just not in person. For that,i only need that like once every week or two. But i still feel the need to be social online every day.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Aren't you one of the people who wants friends as convenience when you 'need' them to ask about how your day went?

But it goes both ways! We also want to hear how our friends' day is going too! In fact right now i've been chatting with a friend for 3 hours and we're finding plenty to talk about,mostly what we're doing (making dinner,listening to cd's,etc)

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by norbert

Did you notice that when you find such people they always somehow seem to live on the other half of the planet?

Yeah,thats how it is for me. My 3 closest friends all live in other states. But,its ok if you just wanna email and chat anyway. It would be nice though to be able to hang out with them on weekends.

[introspective1]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Aren't you one of the people who wants friends as convenience when you 'need' them to ask about how your day went?

I don't need anything from my friends, but they give me plenty.

Like Rockchick said, it goes both ways. I just want what I give in return. Nothing is wrong with that. Why do you have friends? People rely on friends as a part of a support network.

Originally Posted by norbert

Did you notice that when you find such people they always somehow seem to live on the other half of the planet?

Yeah, norbert, it seems like things are literally this way. People I chat with online who live across the world/country seem to have more in common with me than my local friends.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by introspective1

Like Rockchick said, it goes both ways. I just want what I give in return. Nothing is wrong with that. Why do you have friends? People rely on friends as a part of a support network.

You missed my point. I don't believe in give-and-take friendships. I don't expect anything from my friends, but I am given more than I would have asked for.

If the **** hits the fan, there will be dozens of people - some who I haven't spoken two in years - at the ready to help me clean things up again. I only know this, because last year the **** did hit the fan, big time. Boy was I glad to know all those folk!

I will gladly forego the obligation of a daily how-are-you chat for that kind of support.

There is one and only one reason for me to be somebody's friend: because I like to be that person's friend!

[Sanity Panda]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Well,maybe if youre married you dont need someone for that,but i'm single and live alone so i need someone that i can talk to about the boring details of my life.

This reminds me of those who search for love hard but can't find it, becoming upset but those that are content with being alone won't stress over it and are pleasently surprised if they do find a relationship.

Having said that I can understand the feeling of loneliness. I'm not entirely sure why someone would want to talk about the same thing over and over again though.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

You missed my point. I don't believe in give-and-take friendships. I don't expect anything from my friends, but I am given more than I would have asked for.

If the **** hits the fan, there will be dozens of people - some who I haven't spoken two in years - at the ready to help me clean things up again. I only know this, because last year the **** did hit the fan, big time. Boy was I glad to know all those folk!

I will gladly forego the obligation of a daily how-are-you chat for that kind of support.

There is one and only one reason for me to be somebody's friend: because I like to be that person's friend!

But our friendships are like that too! why does it have to be one or the other? Why cant you have friends who you can talk to every day AND who are there for you in times of need?

[Angela]

The Eternal Question: Why Won't People Be and Do What I WANT Them to Be and Do? Why? Dammit, Why?!

I agree with Jim: the only reason to be someone's friend is that you choose to be their friend. Who wants to be friends with someone who feels you should be other than what you are? Shoulds are for shoulders, not for friends.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

But our friendships are like that too! why does it have to be one or the other? Why cant you have friends who you can talk to every day AND who are there for you in times of need?

You can certainly have that kind of friendships, but you cannot expect your friendships to be like that.

[Vasilisa]

I agree with both sides.
It's pretty hard to maintain friendships at our busy age and time. You have to do so much during the day, that people don't have any energy to spend time together. Like, one of my frinds told me 5 years ago when I didn't have a child yet, that friendship is like work, you need time and effort for it.
I was really surprised, because it was easy for me at the time to spend as much time with my friends as I wanted. But NOW I understand. Once I have a child and have to work full-time and etc. I can relate to people who can hardly keep one or two friends, others just drifted away, upset, because I didn't call or visit them often enough.
But I understand also that you want to be interesting to your friends and loved by them. I went through the period in my life many years ago when I had absolutely nobody interested in me, nobody returned my calls and etc.
But then I found a new group of wonderful people who are still my friends, after 10 years.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I have the same friends I've had for over 10 years. There are times when we go months without talking and times when we see each other a lot for a while. What matters is that they know me better than anyone and would be there in a second if I needed them. If they get busy or have a new group of cool people they happen to be hanging out with at the moment, it's no biggie. When you can love your friends without needing a certain list of criteria from them that's real friendship IMO. My two best girlfriends from high school are still my two best friends. We've grown in very different directions and have opposing personalities, but for some reason we don't ever drift apart. We really love each other and respect each other. We've moved to different states and lived divergent lives, but we always have each other to come back to.

It's magical. Sorry for the ramble.

Also, I've been trying out some more empowering beliefs about the nature of everyday human interaction and I've had so many people make random comments to me or joke on the street or just smile. So I am really beginning to believe that you get what you expect. The world is so happy and people want to share with each other and be connected.