How do you react to threats and cockiness?

[YourSelf]

How do you react in social situations (especially in public nightclubs, concerts or other events) when someone explicitly uses words and body language (over-cockiness) to threaten you?

I usually just smile and walk away, but perhaps you have tried different ways of deflating the tension...?

These are some of the most frustrating situations I can remember of:

At one party long time ago, I was in a very nice conversation getting to know a girl, when suddenly two big guys appeared and told me,
"Hey my friend we're taking over now..."
I was obviously confused and trying to figure out who they actually were.
While one guy started distracting the girl, the other guy just put an arm around me and said,
"Hey, have you already tried fighting five against one? No? Well, you better get lost or might have to experience exactly that "

How would you have reacted in such a situation?

An episode that taught me never to take a girlfriend to a nightclub was the following: I was dancing with my then girlfriend (we were together since about three weeks) on the dance-floor and all seemed fine until it started getting too crowded.
A group of horny men, much older than me, came and asked to dance with her a little... and while doing so pushed me away by forming a circle around her so that their backs were turned to me and I was like 5-6 meters away -_-
And whenever I was trying to get back to her they would say, "Stop pushing man, go get a job!" etc. and throw me back.
I remember she was watching me helplessly with a forced smile as if crying "Do something! Do something!". But I didn't know what to do.

And I still don't think I would know how to face such a situation...

Any suggestions [that possibly don't involve fighting]?

[LifeFirst]

Let me get this straight....you were being pushed around in a club, and your girlfriend just stood there and "smiled" at you?? What kind of person is that?

If my girlfriend was getting pushed around I'm standing for it, I'll go to her defense immediately.

[JimOfferman]

Well, you can either run from your bullies or stand up to them. Most bullies cower away the moment that their hollow threats are countered with self confidence - because that is what they themselves lack and try to fake having by bullying other people.

If you feel seriously threatened or overpowered, don't be stupid... get help.

In the case of your girlfriend being harassed by a group of drunkards in a club, you should have asked the bouncers for help - it's what they're there for.

[YourSelf]

LifeFirst We were 16 or so, and girlfriends wouldn't come shouting and sacrifice their lives for their boyfriends' safety.

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Well, you can either run from your bullies or stand up to them. Most bullies cower away the moment that their hollow threats are countered with self confidence

How exactly, for example, would you have countered them in the two cases I depicted above?

What would you have told them?

[Fullcrum]

"Hey my friend we're taking over now..."
I was obviously confused and trying to figure out who they actually were.
While one guy started distracting the girl, the other guy just put an arm around me and said,
"Hey, have you already tried fighting five against one? No? Well, you better get lost or might have to experience exactly that ""

In situations like that I play it OVER THE TOP and TO THE HILT. I capitalize that to show excitement - it's not negative that they're doing that, it actually increases my fun and enjoyment! I would have been like "Hell yeah man! Yeah, awesome! Teach me! Teach me your ways! HAHAHAH!" Just crazy. You say you were confused and trying to figure out who they were. That's funny, because if someone treats me like that I really don't give a thing about who they are. You were in a fundamental mode of reaction, like "Who are THOSE guys?!" Instead, play your own game. I'd just tool their ass. It sounds harsh but it's what the situation calls for. No joke, they'll actually respect you more, you'll get the girl, and even make new friends. Some people prefer being treated like that, having someone tool back on them.

And with the girlfriend thing, do take her to clubs, it doesn't matter that dudes want to dance with her unless she doesn't like it. They're not taking her home at the end of the night. Just dominate, get in there all happy and positive (when you're happy and positive they move, not when you're "trying to wedge your way in" like some puppy dog) and pull her out of there. It's really that simple.

[LifeFirst]

Originally Posted by YourSelf

LifeFirst We were 16 or so, and girlfriends wouldn't come shouting and sacrifice their lives for their boyfriends' safety.

Well, it's best you find one who does.

[YourSelf]

The point is, LifeFirst... in certain situations (especially public nightclubs with lots of horny men and women) there are many unwritten rules that seem to be respected by all.
But even today I wouldn't expect a girlfriend I'm together with since just 3 weeks to help me if some big shots came to threaten me. I would expect her to look at how I would react and judge me accordingly...
When I go, I usually go to nightclubs and parties where I am invited or I know some of the people organizing it. Elsewhere, although I despise it very much, "it's a mafia world after all", where there are subtle honor codes defending the survival of the fittest.

Nice advice Fullcrum. I also try being funny and superior and so... but I admit that sometimes I do feel threatened mainly because I wouldn't survive any fight (not because I'm a chicken, but because I have physical problems preventing me from developing physical strength - I have an invisible disability so to say).
Recently a similar situation occured, and while I tried laughing and just playing down what they were trying to communicate, they spilled a drink on my face, stuck out their tongue and started laughing arrogantly.
It always happens when they are groups of men. It really seems as if they organize everything they do beforehand, they move in packs and do real teamwork to get what they want.

[Angela]

That's really creepy, YourSelf. Those are not "subtle honor codes" -- that's just reptilian aggression.

If I were your girl in those situations, I would want you to take my hand and just walk me out of there, never to return. You are creating your own reality by hanging around in places where reptiles roam.

And if the girl willingly acquiesces to the reptiles, then you'll know you've got a reptile acquiescer on your hands -- time to find a real woman.

[robertanthony]

I agree with Angela.

[Jennihul]

Yeah if she didn't tell them to **** themselves and walk back to you, she's a loser anyway.

I would pick better places to hang out.

Threats and aggression will take many forms throughout your life. Your response to all of those threats should reflect your higher self. Self-defense is exactly that: self defense. If your body is not physically being threatened, violence only breeds more violence. Reacting like a mating gorilla is for gorillas.


Jennifer

[Fullcrum]

YourSelf, people only do that stuff when they sense that it will affect you. So stop giving a sh*t. Please, for your own sake, just do your own thing.

And take up martial arts if you want - it's highly recommended for almost as many reasons as I'd recommend exercise or eating organic food.

[YourSelf]

@Fullcrum
As I said, I'm "physically disabled", although I don't like to use the expression. I can't fight, nor can I learn any strength-based sport.

@Jennihul
Yeah, well, that's what I was asking here in the first place: how to react (with words, or behavior) in order to eliminate the violence, relieve the tension and calm down the situation... I thought all "social dudes" here had some concrete realistic advice on that matter :-P

@Angela, robertanthony, Jennihul
I don't know what to say... The real world out there simply is like that. There are reptiles ruling the streets and we must learn how to tame them or at least avoid them - with martial arts (as Fullcrum suggests) or with words (what I'm trying to do).
As far as I have experienced that kind of world, girls always acquiece to reptiles. Girls who stand up and try to save you from gangsta types exist only in pink novels and movies.

Perhaps you were more lucky and didn't encounter such situations, but this is a reality I often experience.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by YourSelf

How exactly, for example, would you have countered them in the two cases I depicted above?

What would you have told them?

Whatever comes to me in the spur of the moment. I once told a bully off by claiming that I was a ninja. He chose to not find out if I was telling the truth...

If two gorillas attempt to come in between me and the girl I'm talking to, I'll just ask the girl if she'll follow me to a different spot, so we can continue our conversation without those bozos bothering us. The kind of girls I talk to is not impressed by neanderthals anyway...

Physical fights I avoid at all costs. You really don't want to be around me when my 'fight or flight' system kicks in, because I don't flee and I fight very mean and very ugly. It's better for everyone if that part of me stays dormant.

As far as I have experienced that kind of world, girls always acquiece to reptiles. Girls who stand up and try to save you from gangsta types exist only in pink novels and movies.

That is nonsense.

[nightdiamond]

Hi yourself....

Here are a few suggestions....

No.1.... Practice confident body language... stand erect, chest out and make eye contact.... also speak with slightly louder confident tone, it tends to chase the cavemen away....

2. Here's what I would do; Let's say that happens again..I would reach out my hand towards her and call her to me and tell her either it's time to leave or 'I would like to go to the bar, I'm thirsty'. Let her choose to leave them, come to you, and when she does, it will make them look foolish.

3. Take a martial arts class....

4. Learn to think of some witty remarks beforehand, prepare how you would react in advance...

Hope this helps, good luck, yourself....

[Jennihul]

Being confident does not have to lead to people being injured. Or needing to learn a martial art.

You say hey, I have no issue with you. Let me buy you a drink. If they begin an assault, you back off and smile. If they persist, the bouncers throw them against a brick wall in the alley. Life is good again.

Your perceptions about women are assholish, no offense. Women do not always acquiece to reptiles and it's insulting to hear you say that. Maybe deep down you are as bad as the reptiles, no?

You should learn more about the law of attraction/ IM because if you attract this situation often, knowing why that is will be infinitely more useful than trying to learn to fight five on one in a nightclub.

Jennifer

[Angela]

Originally Posted by YourSelf

@Angela, robertanthony, Jennihul
I don't know what to say... The real world out there simply is like that. There are reptiles ruling the streets and we must learn how to tame them or at least avoid them - with martial arts (as Fullcrum suggests) or with words (what I'm trying to do).
As far as I have experienced that kind of world, girls always acquiece to reptiles. Girls who stand up and try to save you from gangsta types exist only in pink novels and movies.

Perhaps you were more lucky and didn't encounter such situations, but this is a reality I often experience.

YourSelf, every day lately someone makes me laugh by making a remark like this. "The world is this way, the world is that way, that's just the way it is." Also a good joke I've been hearing a lot: "we must do this, we must learn how to do that!"

It seems very real to you, these great gangsta lizards roaming the earth, claiming your women and threatening your well-being, so maybe it's not so funny to you yet. Someday, maybe.

Meanwhile, Good luck in the Land of the Lizards!

[YourSelf]

Just where on Earth do you folks live? :-P

Anyway, Jennihul, I wasn't saying all women in the world are like that, but all women in such situations, living in that kind of environment, etc.
I spend/spent 60% of my social time in environments like that and 40% in what you would call more civilized. Everyone I know agrees that in the former case (land of the lizards), all women are like that - even those who say they aren't.
It isn't Intention Manifestation - some women themselves say it and are quite proud of it! They don't want to hang around with disabled loosers who aren't able to fight.
The stronger guys get the hotter chicks.
Perhaps you lived most of your lives in a more civilized context, but let me say that there are places in the world in which that is the common state of affairs.

Angela, well, lucky you

[Angela]

Originally Posted by YourSelf

Angela, well, lucky you

Well, we make our own luck!

You are very, very powerful -- you have built a prehistoric world where you are under constant threat from huge malevolent beasts and the women who love them. Plus! You are also creating a world that is more "civilized" -- a world that contrasts with the Land of the Lizards and makes it even more awe-ful. There was a tv show in the 60's like that, called "It's about Time". Your life, the way you are creating it, is just like that -- you are an actor bouncing back in time between the support of civilization and the terror of constant primordial threat. And each is as "real" as you make them. That is so awesome!

but let me say that there are places in the world in which that is the common state of affairs.

I agree with you 100%. The difference is: you are thinking that those places are outside YourSelf.

[YourSelf]

Angela, I'd be glad to act as your tour-guide to this fairytale world that "I created in my own imagination".

Let's meet one day and I'll take you there. Then, I'll leave you in that place and let you discover it all alone. And you may decide for yourself whether it's a product of your tour-guide's imagination or also "outside YourSelf"
:-P

[YourSelf]

Just a question to everyone here who believes that criminals live only inside our minds:
Have you ever experienced threat or even physical aggression in your lifetime?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by YourSelf

Angela, I'd be glad to act as your tour-guide to this fairytale world that "I created in my own imagination".

Let's meet one day and I'll take you there. Then, I'll leave you in that place and let you discover it all alone. And you may decide for yourself whether it's a product of your tour-guide's imagination or also "outside YourSelf"
:-P

YourSelf, I never said you created it your imagination. That's why I'm saying you are powerful: you created it in your whole world. I am not being facetious. It takes an incredible amount of energy and ingenuity to create your world in a way that has you absolutely, 100% convinced by the "reality" of it, as you are.

But that sounds like a fun adventure, being dropped off in the Land of Lizards, to fend for myself!

To answer your question: Yes, I have absolutely experienced threat and aggression, oh boy, have I . It's much, much easier to see that I created it in retrospect than it was when I was in the middle of creating it. And now it has been transformed. The events that happened that had me so scared are no longer memories of threat and aggression, but rather, of opportunities to expand into who I am: infinite power. I am grateful! (although at the time, I really believed my problems were really problems, and my threats were really threats. I had created my own Land of the Lizards!)

[Brutha]

Have you ever experienced threat or even physical aggression in your lifetime?

Yes I do.

Just where on Earth do you folks live? :-P

In our own realities.

How do you react in social situations (especially in public nightclubs, concerts or other events) when someone explicitly uses words and body language (over-cockiness) to threaten you?

There are a few things that can be done by some people. This post is a bit longer, but I hope it will show you some alternatives that you could try.

Can you believe in an other reality stronger than the bully is believing in the reality that he is bulling you?

I have a friend how got into the situation that someone draw a knife against him and told him to give him his money.
He first convinced himself that he could try to fight that person by martial arts but choose not to do so because he doesn't want to harm anyone, that thought removed the fear in his own head.
Afterwards he focused in the postive of the situation. He good the chance to get the first hand experience from someone whose reality is so bad that he has to rob someone.
He didn't judge the person with the knife as bad but saw it as a wonderful chance to make a new friend and broaden his own horizions.

After the interaction the guy with the knife excused himself multiple times for threadening my friend, because my friend build a connection with him.

I don't know whether I could do that in a situation like this. It is a while since I had my last real violent interaction but I hadn't much fear in it, you could rather have called my reaction naive.

Your average bully doesn't has a strong reality. If you act defensive you validate his view of the world.
If you on the other hand react to him (and are not ironic but mean it deep in your heart): "Nice meeting you, do you do this every time you go in a club with your buddies?"

The goal is to start a genuine conversation. If you succeed to start a conversation and are better than them at having a conversation you win.

The problem is that you can't do that if you believe that they are bad people.
If you believe that they are fundamently good people but are a bit drifted from their path because of their bad enviroment you can take the perspective of finding out about those guys and what makes them behave the way they do.

If you can outplay those people infront of the girl without using your fists but only by using mere words do you thing that the girl would find it boring or do you thing that the girl would see that as powerful?

It is difficult to react that way of asserting your own reality about the situation but it is possible.
The first step is to believe that other ways of seeing the future of a situation are generally possible and that cause and effect often aren't clear in a situation (on a Macro level FORA.tv - | Nassim Nicholas Taleb explanes it very well in a way without New Age phrases like Intention Manifestion).

Another creative way of solving the first situation would be to fall on the floor and appear to be unconscious. That suddenly transform the situation.
It is an interesting event and the girl will probably check whether you are alright and it completly throws the two guy out of their gameplan.

Now to the second scenario.
You stand their with your girlfriend and those people ask your girlfriend to go dancing with her and she agrees.
You don't have to come with her to the dance floor.
You could say her: "Okay, see you latter then" and chat with some other girl or guy while your girlfriend is on the dance floor and have fun with someone else while she dances via the mindset of abundance.
The conflict primarly arises because you judge what is happening as bad.
In objective reality words like good or bad have no meaning. They are subjective.
If you judge an interaction a bad conflict arises.
If you judge an interaction as bad there is usually no such thing as conflict.
A physicist who would analyse all the atoms in the room would probably find no "tension".

Tension is a human made concept, which only exists if people believe that it exists. Responsibilty is a similar concept.
If you look at a molecular level you will find neither tension nor responsibilty.
Those things exist in stories.
Stories are powerful and can influence reality, but stories are alterable. If you tell a better story and believe in it more strongly than the story in which the people around you believe, you story gets accepted reality.

Better stories are stories that fit into other stories in the person mind. If the girl believes in the story: "If someone falls to the ground and goes unconscious you should check whether he is alright", guess what the girl does in you fall to the ground and go unconscious.

If you don't behave like the story that the guy that tell you "Hey my friend we're taking over now..." gives you the opportunity to behave that story loses it strenght because it doesn't match with the "facts".
In that story their are two ways the story goes forward:
1) You become defensive and they escalate till you fight with each other.
2) You give in to them and go away.
If you don't do either of those things the guy's don't know what to do because it isn't part of their story that someone behave that way.
There is an gap in their story of the world when that happens and other stories that may come up.
Maybe they think they were joking at the beginning of the interaction and you really are a nice guy and their new buddy.

They don't want to hang around with disabled loosers who aren't able to fight.

I think a more accurate description would be that they want to hang around powerful guys. It doesn't really matter to them whether you draw your personal power from physical strength or from some other source.
What matters to them is that you are a "leader".
Leaders influence the outcome of the situation instead of accepting the outcome that other people offer to them.

If you have a one to one conversation it is also a good method to simply stare them in the eye and say nothing.
They have to switch in their mind to a more defensive mode and might start talking to you.
Around people like that it is generally accepted that the first person who looks a way in an eye staring match loses.
If you are good at looking people in the eye (a skill that you can train) you can "win" that way. After you win you say "bye" to acknowledge that you "won" (and everyone around sees that you won).
In their mind they have to switch to the defense and they have no point to attack or to escalate the situation because you are doing nothing other than looking at them and they don't know how to react to that.
You don't need a witty exchange of comment to prove your strength. Words can be countered, but how do you counter someone who says nothing at all, who just stands there and looks you into your eyes and is fully present with you (additionally steping into their comfort zone has also an added effect)? If done that two times in situation with people that you would call "bully" where it worked. It pushes pressure on the other person.
I was not sure whether I win a verbal sparing match in those situations.
You should keep in mind that some people (especially when drunk) could also react otherwise under pressure, so think before you use it in a situation.

[Angela]

Well said, Brutha!

I love your fun and inspiring story about your friend and the guy with the knife.

There is absolutely unlimited power available, and it loosens up my heart and mind to hear about people opening themselves up to it. Thanks.

[YourSelf]

@Angela, Jennihul
Sorry if I made you feel "dissed", but that is not what I tried to convey. Perhaps we're again in a situation where everyone is just telling abstract things without any real-life application.
Jennihul, just because someone doesn't agree with you doesn't mean he's a troll. Learn to reason with arguments instead of sticking to your fairytale world of trolls, orcs, elves and whatever.
I'd be grateful if you could provide some real-life examples instead of abstract ideas.
And I didn't diss everyone's advice - I could accept the idea of learning martial arts if I didn't have any health problems.
And I also already tried laughing and playing down as others suggested. I tried that, but drinks were spilled onto my face.
I am open to listening to your advice, but if it's abstract and you use strange words in reply to my real-life events I feel as if you're insulting my experiences or not taking me seriously.
Thank You...

EDIT:
@Angela
Sorry, but again, I think I simply don't understand what you mean by
"It's much, much easier to see that I created it in retrospect than it was when I was in the middle of creating it."

Let me understand: are you saying that if someone is threatening me I am creating the situation?
Are you saying that if I'm peacefully speaking to someone and some cocky people come and push me or spill things on me, I created that situation?

Help me understand what you are saying.

[YourSelf]

@Brutha
Thanks for the long, elaborate, realistic and useful advice Brutha
I'll try that the next time such a situation should arise.

Indeed, I also try to think that "if we react in a way expecting a bad outcome, the outcome will be bad" - however, to me it seems very difficult to apply such a thing in real life.

Nevertheless, I will at least try.

I also believe in a world of people who are fundamentally good.
But when you live among criminals it's hard (I'm not saying impossible, I'm just saying it's hard) to see that and believe it.

But I will try.

[Brutha]

But when you live among criminals it's hard (I'm not saying impossible, I'm just saying it's hard) to see that and believe it.

Yeah, it's hard.
Learning martial arts to deal with people who attack you is also hard and requires a lot of work.

Having your own reality and not accepted the reality that other push on you is like a muscle.
It might be that at the moment that muscle might not be strong enough in you to effectively you it in a situation in which you fear to get beaten up.

Just like the "big bully" go to the gym to build there muscles you have to build your sense of reality on a consistent basis to be ready when it comes hard on hard.
A while ago you asked me "Why take responsibility?".
Taking responsibility for the things around you builds that muscle.
At your present level you might start with smaller things than complex interactions where the risks are huge.

It's no quick fix or easy overnight trick that you can learn but it might be a goal to become a person who can successfully assert their reality over his environment.
That more or less what learning to take responsibility comes down for me.
I myself I certainly not at the end of my journey either, for example my friend who was threatened with a knife is way stronger in his sense of reality than I am.

It's not the only way you can go in life.
You can go to the gym and train big muscles to face life's dangers or you can work more on the mental side of things and have your own sense of reality.

I don't think either way is easy. I primarily want to show you that the way of creating your own reality and to take responsibility is out there.
The "way of the bully" isn't the only way that can be successful.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by YourSelf

Let me understand: are you saying that if someone is threatening me I am creating the situation?
Are you saying that if I'm peacefully speaking to someone and some cocky people come and push me or spill things on me, I created that situation?

Yup. That's exactly what I'm saying! It's hard to get your mind around, isn't it? And I'm not the best one to explain it to you, because I've only recently shifted my own perception of responsibility to far, far, way, wayyyyy beyond 100%. I'm trying to get my mind around what I've seen is true about this Beyond Responsibility, and when I have the words, I'll share them with you, if you're interested.

But yes, accepting that you are constantly creating your reality is a great step in assuming and expanding your personal power. Here are a couple of very practical, very non-abstract ways you do that:

1) you live in a place (what, a neighborhood? country? you haven't said) where, you feel, you are under 60% threat and 40% civilization. You have the choice to live elsewhere. Any limits you claim (I don't have enough money! I'm a quadraplegic at the mercy of my caregiver! My parents won't let me move! etc.) are not real. In reality, people with your same 'limits' have chosen to move elsewhere. So could you.

2) you choose to go to bars, and bars where the raptors congregate in particular. You could choose to go to a bar in the 40% zone; you could choose not to go to bars at all, you could take your date to a movie or to the natural history museum to look at T. Rex. But, you choose to go to bars.

3) you choose to go out with women who hail from the 60% zone -- women whom (you choose to believe) are all proud to acquiesce to the Lizard Men. You could choose to pick a woman from the 40% zone, or outside of your 100% land altogether.

4) you choose to react the way you react.

....and these are just the most practical ways of looking at it. There are more mysterious and esoteric ways, too; but I won't point those out right now.

I am not saying any of your choices are wrong or bad! I am saying: 100% responsibility means taking a bold look at how the choices you make directly and indirectly lead you to exactly where you are RIGHT NOW, accepting the reality of that, and then distinguishing your next right action. Taking 100% responsibility gives you the power to respond rather than react, and it also gives you the power to disarm your enemies. (that's in the more esoteric chapter -- Brutha has described a thing or two about that! )

Does any of this make sense to you?

[Fullcrum]

YourSelf, you may not have 100% created the situation, maybe you did. But you do have total control over it, or at least as much control as you allow yourself. You can't say that about everything, but these are human interactions. And in that you have near total control, it's all in your subcommunication. For more indepth, just read Brutha's thing.

Brutha gives excellent practical advice (you too Angela!). Have you heard of the Blueprint Decoded? There's a thread around, you might want to check that out. It's the most indepth into social interaction of anything I've ever seen. This'll really put everything we're telling you into perspective.

Just remember, you dictate how people react to you through the strength of your reality. You dictate the energy of the social interaction. YOU are in control.

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by Angela

YourSelf, every day lately someone makes me laugh by making a remark like this. "The world is this way, the world is that way, that's just the way it is." Also a good joke I've been hearing a lot: "we must do this, we must learn how to do that!"

It seems very real to you, these great gangsta lizards roaming the earth, claiming your women and threatening your well-being, so maybe it's not so funny to you yet. Someday, maybe.

Meanwhile, Good luck in the Land of the Lizards!

It amuses me too, Angela, It amuses me too. Though not completely cause I still have to escape the world I've created.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by sonicpunk32

...I still have to escape the world I've created.

Well, escaping is one option. Uncreating, or reclaiming your power, is another.