I fail at life

[Averbisadverbera]

Im 15 and live in North Ireland. I'm out of school (expelled) and have no friends, and never had any when I WAS in school. People just find me to be a loser as soon as they meet me, for some reason. I don't know what it is. I'm not ugly, and carry myself confidently, so what is it that makes me have no friends? Anyone i've ever talked to has just been completely stand offish, to downright hating me.

I've never been a part of any social circle where im accepted, whether in real life or on the internet. Never had a friend, or a girlfriend, and I doubt I ever will. Whats wrong with me?

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

OK You're saying that you haven't had much luck socially. But that's in the past if you want it to be. Coming to the forum and asking the question is good. It sounds like you're recognising a problem and wanting to change it. So let's start right now.

Have a look at the intention/manifestation posts on Steve's blog. Read them. It sounds simplistic, but if you can draw a line in the sand between yesterday and today, and decide that from now on you're aiming positive, that's be a great way to get going. Just because you haven't socially clicked before, just means you've been learning how not to. So do something different. Intend to have good relationships, and read books on how to. Go to the library and read things like "How to make friends and influence people" It started as a sales book, but is full of commonsense tips for getting on with people well. Tip the balance in your favour, put it into practise, have a go.

What interests do you have? What can stir your passions? Find out ways of interacting with other people who are intersted in these things. Joining clubs is another old-fashioned idea that works. Why do you reckon I'm here? ;-)

That's my 2 cents worth anyway.
Go for it!
Hazel

[stephencp]

I think your first problem is that you EXPECT "People just find me to be a loser as soon as they meet me, for some reason." You need to expect that people will like you and look for evidence of THAT in your next meeting versus evidence that they don't.

Stephen
Power-Book Library: Free personal development, success, inspiration and motivational classics

[richie]

i would advise read all the steves post ,they would really help you ,
start slow , like making friends online than use this confidence to go ahead ,forget past it has no value

[placebo]

I grew up in a small place (round 5000 people). I could never find friends or girlfriends there. Maybe i could but for some reason i didn't. When i was 15 or 16 it was so depressing, i thought i was the problem. Now i'm in college far from that place, i can see everything from other perspective. i am 3rd year of computer science studies and they are married, unemployed, plumber, mechanics. We were different and that was the reason why we couldn't find same language.

You are only 15, you'll grow up and look things from other side. Try to use this time of loneliness to work on yourself. Maybe their parents think that you are bad company for their kids. Try to improve yourself, prove them they are wrong. Find something that you are better of anyone else and do that all the time. It could be football, science, programing, anything. After a year or two you will be able to provide value to people. If you become football star they will be your fans, if you become the best programmer in the city they will ask you for help, etc.

And believe me, it is really working. I did that by playing basketball. For 18 years I was dork, and then a two thousand people in the gym was screaming my name and kids were waiting for my autographs. Sounds difficult? It isn't, just try. You can't lose anything anyway.

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by Averbisadverbera

Im 15 and live in North Ireland. I'm out of school (expelled) and have no friends, and never had any when I WAS in school. People just find me to be a loser as soon as they meet me, for some reason. I don't know what it is. I'm not ugly, and carry myself confidently, so what is it that makes me have no friends? Anyone i've ever talked to has just been completely stand offish, to downright hating me.

I've never been a part of any social circle where im accepted, whether in real life or on the internet. Never had a friend, or a girlfriend, and I doubt I ever will. Whats wrong with me?

Maybe you're a tad negative?

15 is a good age for lots of changes to happen.

[Alex]

I realize you're asking us, what is wrong with you. But, I would like to ask that question back to you. What do you think is wrong with you? You said you aren't ugly and carry yourself confidently. For all we know, you shower once a year... ok i'm just kidding. What I am getting at is that I think you know yourself better than anyone and that you might already know what needs to be done to correct this.

[Alarin]

Hi Averbisadverbera I'm sorry you're going through this. To me it sounds like two main things are contributing to your current situation:

- Through past experience you now expect people not to like you, which does actually cause you to act in ways which says to new people "I know you're not going to like me even though we've just met". Most people respond on such an instinctive emotional level that they will immediately pick this up and treat you in the way you're subliminally telling them to treat you. Does that makes sense? This is also called learned-helplessness, Steve speaks of it in this great article about levels of consciousness.

- It also sounds like you don't value yourself enough. Even though you carry yourself confidently it sounds very much like your self-esteem has taken a beating over the years and now you think you are not very valuable and don't have much of use to contribute to the world. Which is completely and utterly wrong, you are wonderful and unique and have things to offer the world that only you can offer, but more on that in a minute.

Something you might find immediately useful is using physical appearance to help you get the results you want. Most people react very strongly to stereotypes or anything that hints at a stereotype because this is just human nature, for example we all react differently to a pretty girl than we do to a hulking guy in a hooded jacket even though we may know nothing about either of them as a person.

Another real-life example - a few years ago I cut my long blond hair very short and I couldn't understand why people started to act differently to me, why they were standoffish and at times even seemed intimidated. The reason was that by cutting my hair I no longer met the stereotype of what 28-year-old blond females should look like and people assumed that the way I looked also dictated how I would act - girls with long hair are nice, girls with short hair are dominating, etc. When I realized this I decided to grow my hair again, as an experiment more than anything else, and the results have been very interesting - where before even perfect strangers would avoid eye contact, now they smile at me. People are nice to me and help me where before they avoided me. All because of a damn hairstyle

So, all that to say, people do react to you based on your appearance, and although it's wonderful to be unique and we should be comfortable in our own skin it's also important to take that into account if you feel people aren't treating you the way you want to be treated. It's probably worth thinking about how you present yourself and trying to look more like the people you want to be friends with. The thing is I'm sure they do want to be your friend, but if you're presenting them with a "stereotype" image that is not what they're used to, or that confuses them, then yes they are going to act standoffish at first until they know you a bit better, but if you never give them the chance to get to know you you will never be able to find that out. So to make your life a bit easier you may want to try the camouflage method, try looking and acting more like the people you want to be friends with - even temporarily - and see what kind of results it gives you.

Also begin to think in terms of what you can give to others and I know you will find your relationships with others improving dramatically! For example, work on becoming a really good listener. People LOVE to talk about themselves and you will have more friends than you know what to do with if you simply listen to people and ask them questions about themselves. Also work hard to observe the little niceties, people love it when other's are considerate of them because it makes them feel special - take drinks over when you visit someone, make everyone tea / coffee, offer to clean up the table or do the dishes, etc, they're all little things that tell other people "I believe you are valuable!" and in return you will become valuable to them. There's a great book called "How to Win Friends and Influence People" which I highly highly recommend, it's all about this kind of thing.

As other posters have said you would definately benefit from reading Steve's articles as well, especially his earlier ones. And the other advice is excellent too - find things that you're really good at and use your time to work on those, I promise you there's an internet forum for every topic under the sun where you can find like-minded people to hang out with online.

I hope that helps! This is definately something you can overcome, just give it some time, experiment, and be patient with yourself. Let us know how you go ok !

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Averbisadverbera

Im 15 and live in North Ireland. I'm out of school (expelled) and have no friends, and never had any when I WAS in school. People just find me to be a loser as soon as they meet me, for some reason. I don't know what it is. I'm not ugly, and carry myself confidently, so what is it that makes me have no friends? Anyone i've ever talked to has just been completely stand offish, to downright hating me.

I've never been a part of any social circle where im accepted, whether in real life or on the internet. Never had a friend, or a girlfriend, and I doubt I ever will. Whats wrong with me?

I remember the show Rocky where there's this line he said when he met someone (sorry I really can't remember who was it this sentence was intended for)

"I don't like him"

His boxing instructor (or so I think) then replied "I don't think he likes you either"

So do you like your friends in general? Or do you like interacting with people?Do you have a genuine interest to care for a stranger before they can become your friends? I'm not saying you're not, but I'm just giving an example here ok

Going in with a positive mindset about yourself and the other person will have a higher chance of bringing you postive results.

And yes, go grab that book by Dale Carnegie. It's good!

Originally Posted by Alarin

People are nice to me and help me where before they avoided me. All because of a damn hairstyle

Yes Alarin! Never under-estimate the power of a good hairstyle! Or a bad one ...

I just had a change of my hairstyle. Got a fringe and a length much shorter than I would have like, wished and wanted (thanks to my hairdreser), now I look "cuter" than before! Sheesh... how does that help in my profession as a love coach?

[Averbisadverbera]

Originally Posted by ReallyGoodIdeas

OK You're saying that you haven't had much luck socially. But that's in the past if you want it to be. Coming to the forum and asking the question is good. It sounds like you're recognising a problem and wanting to change it. So let's start right now.

Have a look at the intention/manifestation posts on Steve's blog. Read them. It sounds simplistic, but if you can draw a line in the sand between yesterday and today, and decide that from now on you're aiming positive, that's be a great way to get going. Just because you haven't socially clicked before, just means you've been learning how not to. So do something different. Intend to have good relationships, and read books on how to. Go to the library and read things like "How to make friends and influence people" It started as a sales book, but is full of commonsense tips for getting on with people well. Tip the balance in your favour, put it into practise, have a go.

What interests do you have? What can stir your passions? Find out ways of interacting with other people who are intersted in these things. Joining clubs is another old-fashioned idea that works. Why do you reckon I'm here? ;-)

That's my 2 cents worth anyway.
Go for it!
Hazel

I've read every entry on this site. Read everything on seduction and relationships out there, from The Game by Neil Struss to How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dane Carliege. None of it has ever helped me, man. I try my best to put it into practice but I always fall flat because I care so much about what the other person thinks.

Originally Posted by stephencp

I think your first problem is that you EXPECT "People just find me to be a loser as soon as they meet me, for some reason." You need to expect that people will like you and look for evidence of THAT in your next meeting versus evidence that they don't.

Stephen
Power-Book Library: Free personal development, success, inspiration and motivational classics

I don't always expect it, it just happens. Its something I do, I just can't work out what.

Originally Posted by placebo

I grew up in a small place (round 5000 people). I could never find friends or girlfriends there. Maybe i could but for some reason i didn't. When i was 15 or 16 it was so depressing, i thought i was the problem. Now i'm in college far from that place, i can see everything from other perspective. i am 3rd year of computer science studies and they are married, unemployed, plumber, mechanics. We were different and that was the reason why we couldn't find same language.

You are only 15, you'll grow up and look things from other side. Try to use this time of loneliness to work on yourself. Maybe their parents think that you are bad company for their kids. Try to improve yourself, prove them they are wrong. Find something that you are better of anyone else and do that all the time. It could be football, science, programing, anything. After a year or two you will be able to provide value to people. If you become football star they will be your fans, if you become the best programmer in the city they will ask you for help, etc.

And believe me, it is really working. I did that by playing basketball. For 18 years I was dork, and then a two thousand people in the gym was screaming my name and kids were waiting for my autographs. Sounds difficult? It isn't, just try. You can't lose anything anyway.

My only "real" talent is something people really aren't interested. It isn't widely respected like being a model or a footballer. Do you have any advice for getting to at least 16 without killing myself? Theres about 7 months to go.

[Averbisadverbera]

Originally Posted by Alarin

- Through past experience you now expect people not to like you, which does actually cause you to act in ways which says to new people "I know you're not going to like me even though we've just met". Most people respond on such an instinctive emotional level that they will immediately pick this up and treat you in the way you're subliminally telling them to treat you. Does that makes sense? This is also called learned-helplessness, Steve speaks of it in this great article about levels of consciousness.

I'm aware of this, but I don't know how to change it. The article doesn't offer much insight into that. Do you have any ideas?

- It also sounds like you don't value yourself enough. Even though you carry yourself confidently it sounds very much like your self-esteem has taken a beating over the years and now you think you are not very valuable and don't have much of use to contribute to the world. Which is completely and utterly wrong, you are wonderful and unique and have things to offer the world that only you can offer, but more on that in a minute.

My self esteem is dependant on external sources. If I'm happy I can feel good (and occasionally have a good interaction) but 90% of the time i'm completely depressed and suicidal. I've tried (clinical, ie antidepressants and illegal) drugs btw. The only thing i've found that can lift me is heavy drinking.

Another real-life example - a few years ago I cut my long blond hair very short and I couldn't understand why people started to act differently to me, why they were standoffish and at times even seemed intimidated. The reason was that by cutting my hair I no longer met the stereotype of what 28-year-old blond females should look like and people assumed that the way I looked also dictated how I would act - girls with long hair are nice, girls with short hair are dominating, etc. When I realized this I decided to grow my hair again, as an experiment more than anything else, and the results have been very interesting - where before even perfect strangers would avoid eye contact, now they smile at me. People are nice to me and help me where before they avoided me. All because of a damn hairstyle

Right now my hair is very long and unkempt, do you think I should do anything with it? I haven't cut it in ages.

Also begin to think in terms of what you can give to others and I know you will find your relationships with others improving dramatically! For example, work on becoming a really good listener. People LOVE to talk about themselves and you will have more friends than you know what to do with if you simply listen to people and ask them questions about themselves. Also work hard to observe the little niceties, people love it when other's are considerate of them because it makes them feel special - take drinks over when you visit someone, make everyone tea / coffee, offer to clean up the table or do the dishes, etc, they're all little things that tell other people "I believe you are valuable!" and in return you will become valuable to them. There's a great book called "How to Win Friends and Influence People" which I highly highly recommend, it's all about this kind of thing.

Asking questions doesn't work. I fail at conversation so badly, asking the other person about their life doesn't work, even if im very interested. All I get is a robotic, disinterested answer. Also, the whole doing things for other people would probably work for a girl, but with a guy its going to seem needy and submissive, which I already appear as.

[TechnoGuyRob]

Right now my hair is very long and unkempt, do you think I should do anything with it? I haven't cut it in ages.

Brief and perhaps incorrect, but does it risk inciting a perception of you as "hippy," or that kind of stereotype? If you look well-groomed it will look like you give a damn about something (or at least, won't indicate the converse). How is your speech and general communication?

[Alvin]

Wow Averbisadverbera, nothing really seems to work for you does it?

I guess you must really be in trouble

Originally Posted by Averbisadverbera

My only "real" talent is something people really aren't interested. It isn't widely respected like being a model or a footballer. Do you have any advice for getting to at least 16 without killing myself? Theres about 7 months to go.

P.S. Unfortunately no one can help you not kill yourself, only you can do that.

[Holistic Star]

Originally Posted by Averbisadverbera

My only "real" talent is something people really aren't interested. It isn't widely respected like being a model or a footballer. Do you have any advice for getting to at least 16 without killing myself? Theres about 7 months to go.

Wow, you are so lucky to be aware of your real talent at 15! Fantastic! So what if people aren't interested, you will meet people eventually that are. Through yourself into your talent, be passionate about it, be an expert. Even if there is no-one where you live who is interested, there will no doubt be an online group to talk to. It doesn't matter if it is a popular subject, enjoying your talent will make you ooze self-esteem.

[Colm OReilly]

None of it has ever helped me, man. I try my best to put it into practice but I always fall flat because I care so much about what the other person thinks.

Problem #1.

My self esteem is dependant on external sources.

Problem #2.

Potential Solutions #1:
I think this is a result of you only seeing two potential states: Completely alone or getting on fantastically well with everyone, regardless of circumstances. An important realisation I had a while back was that there are levels to everything, and nothing is strictly dichotomous. So right now you're a white belt at conversation, and you want to be a black belt, that's all you can see. But you've got to start small and start developing basic skills.

The benefit of this is there are loads of these skills so you can really improve.

When a person is really dependent on you for anything, it puts enormous pressure on you. When they psychologically lean, are needy, your instinctive reaction is to pull away. So by being less dependent on their responses to you you'll help them relax.

Looking at it from another way, a lot of people simply can't take praise or affection very well. They might wonder why you want to talk to them so much, since you haven't qualified them as anything special to you.

Potential Solutions to #2:
Tragically, people make their confidence and self esteem dependent on external factors. Which means all that confidence is is an emotional payoff, not a driving factor in their life. When everything is going great, they feel fantastic, but you don't really need confidence then, do you? When things go bad, their confidence goes (since it was attached to the external circumstances) and now when they most need it they feel the least confident. It sucks, but it's generally the way we're taught about confidence.

In essense, most people are effects, not causes.

You're looking to feel worthy and get validated by people. Ironically, to be recognised as worthy and be validated by people you need to do this yourself.

Simple affirmations to use:
"I feel validated."
"I feel valuable."

Overall I get the impression you never stick at anything for very long. You try something a few times and if it doesn't work, you dismiss it completely. What you need to do is stick with things for longer than a week or whatever. If you can't completely stick with something, see if you can break it down into an easier part and work on that.

Also, let's look at your interactions and how you view them. A brief interaction is better than no interaction isn't it? Be thankful for that. Some success, no matter how small, is better than no success, isn't it?

And finally,

Right now my hair is very long and unkempt, do you think I should do anything with it? I haven't cut it in ages.

if you hair style is a result of not taking care of yourself (read: not respecting yourself) then start doing the little external things for you because you respect yourself. If your hair is long because of a grunge thing, then it's fine - it's part of a subculture.

Colm

[Alarin]

Originally Posted by Averbisadverbera

I'm aware of this, but I don't know how to change it. The article doesn't offer much insight into that. Do you have any ideas?

The main thing I would suggest is simply knowing that you are valuable and projecting that when you meet new people; hold your head high, make direct eye contact, show in your personal appearance that you respect who you are, talk in positives and definately don't talk yourself down in front of others or to yourself.

Originally Posted by Averbisadverbera

My self esteem is dependant on external sources. If I'm happy I can feel good (and occasionally have a good interaction) but 90% of the time i'm completely depressed and suicidal. I've tried (clinical, ie antidepressants and illegal) drugs btw. The only thing i've found that can lift me is heavy drinking.

I think if you can begin to look inside yourself for self esteem you will have much more success with being happy, and you'll increase the respect you have for yourself. Be kind and patient with yourself, write down a list of your good qualities no matter how small you may think some of them are (like "I make great pancakes"), stick them up somewhere you'll see them everyday, you must learn to like and respect yourself before others will do the same.

For the depression I highly recommend checking out this thread which is a pretty in depth discussion of how to treat depression with and without drugs. Also have a chat with a doctor if you haven't already about alternative treatments and support groups, depression is a horrible horrible thing to have to go through (and I know first hand) but I can promise you there are ways to minimize it's impact in your life, and people out there who care about you and are more than happy to help you. This thread is a good example, none of us has even met you and yet we care about you and want to help you because we know life can be better for you, I'm sure many of us have even gone through some of what you're going through right now and we can promise you that with help and time things do get better. I looked up these numbers, I hope they help:

Samaritans
Helpline 1: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (UK - local rate)
Helpline 2: +44 (0) 8457 90 91 92 (UK minicom)
Samaritans > Confidential emotional support 24 hours a day

Childline Online (for under 18's)
1800 66 66 66
Childline Online ... Listening to you

Originally Posted by Averbisadverbera

Right now my hair is very long and unkempt, do you think I should do anything with it? I haven't cut it in ages.

I think it depends entirely on what kinds of people you want to be friends with, going back to the chameleon thing again. What kind of hair cuts do most of the boys in your area or that you'd like to hang out with have? What kind of clothes do they wear? Does your appearance make it easy to break the ice with them or does it just make your life harder? I mean personal style and all that is great but it does come at a cost, being different always comes at a cost, and in your case that cost may be isolation which I don't think is a good thing.

Originally Posted by Averbisadverbera

Asking questions doesn't work. I fail at conversation so badly, asking the other person about their life doesn't work, even if im very interested. All I get is a robotic, disinterested answer. Also, the whole doing things for other people would probably work for a girl, but with a guy its going to seem needy and submissive, which I already appear as.

Again I think this goes back to the appearance and self-respect issues, it sounds like these people are acting disinterested because they're not sure how to take you, they can't "fit" you into one of their mental models of what people are supposed to be like. Normally I'd advise against succumbing to peer pressure and trying to blend-in, but in your case it may be exactly what you need, these issues may in part be created simply because you look different to most people around you and you don't fit that mental model they're all subconsciously searching for.

No it's not your fault, but that doesn't mean you can't create the solution. But also realise that local friends aren't the be-all-and-end-all, you can make lots of friends online and a balance of both is probably a good thing. What's your main interest or the thing(s) you're really good at? I may know of some forums or sites where you could find other people interested in that thing and I can post the links here.

[Averbisadverbera]

Originally Posted by Colm OReilly

Problem #1.
I think this is a result of you only seeing two potential states: Completely alone or getting on fantastically well with everyone, regardless of circumstances. An important realisation I had a while back was that there are levels to everything, and nothing is strictly dichotomous. So right now you're a white belt at conversation, and you want to be a black belt, that's all you can see. But you've got to start small and start developing basic skills.

How am I supposed to improve? Right now I really am alone. I don't have anyone on my MSN list now, don't have anyone on my phone, no friends, and I regularly fight with my parents. I really am just getting up and living without a single friend.

Potential Solutions to #2:
Tragically, people make their confidence and self esteem dependent on external factors. Which means all that confidence is is an emotional payoff, not a driving factor in their life. When everything is going great, they feel fantastic, but you don't really need confidence then, do you? When things go bad, their confidence goes (since it was attached to the external circumstances) and now when they most need it they feel the least confident. It sucks, but it's generally the way we're taught about confidence.

In essense, most people are effects, not causes.

You're looking to feel worthy and get validated by people. Ironically, to be recognised as worthy and be validated by people you need to do this yourself.

Simple affirmations to use:
"I feel validated."
"I feel valuable."

Overall I get the impression you never stick at anything for very long. You try something a few times and if it doesn't work, you dismiss it completely. What you need to do is stick with things for longer than a week or whatever. If you can't completely stick with something, see if you can break it down into an easier part and work on that.

I don't feel validated.
I don't feel valued.

And I have no idea how to keep doing something for more than a week.

Also, let's look at your interactions and how you view them. A brief interaction is better than no interaction isn't it? Be thankful for that. Some success, no matter how small, is better than no success, isn't it?

Right now I have no success, and no qualifications. And no life.

[Averbisadverbera]

Originally Posted by Alarin

The main thing I would suggest is simply knowing that you are valuable and projecting that when you meet new people; hold your head high, make direct eye contact, show