Giving, service and "being taken advantage of"

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Just mulling over some thoughts. I wonder what everyone thinks of this:

I happen to be blessed with a decent job, a well-running car and some expendable income. I enjoy helping my friends and family out when I can. Most of the time I give or serve with joy, thinking about how nice it feels to be in a position to help out people I love. But sometimes I feel taken advantage of. It happens more with certain people than with others and I'm not sure what that means. I have thought maybe I expect reciprocation from certain people and not from others. But I'm not sure what to do about any of this. If in one situation I pay for a friend's meal without giving it a second thought and in another I pay but feel taken for granted, what is the difference?

I guess I've been thinking of the whole Lightworker thing and how the attitude I find myself having fits in. I feel like I definitely would choose Lightworker over Dark. And after reading seeker5's post I find myself wanting to commit to a life of service. But isn't it selfish to want to withhold from certain people because they "should" reciprocate? And wouldn't a "True Lightworker" give without such selfish thoughts?

I want to add that this only affects how I feel about giving and serving people closest to me, not strangers, which makes me think there is more behind it. And that people are always telling me I make it easy for others to take advantage of me because I offer to help so willingly and people come to expect it. It seems like at those times when I am genuinely exhausted or broke and have to turn down a request, people get offended.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Just mulling over some thoughts. I wonder what everyone thinks of this:

I happen to be blessed with a decent job, a well-running car and some expendable income. I enjoy helping my friends and family out when I can. Most of the time I give or serve with joy, thinking about how nice it feels to be in a position to help out people I love. But sometimes I feel taken advantage of. It happens more with certain people than with others and I'm not sure what that means. I have thought maybe I expect reciprocation from certain people and not from others. But I'm not sure what to do about any of this. If in one situation I pay for a friend's meal without giving it a second thought and in another I pay but feel taken for granted, what is the difference?

I guess I've been thinking of the whole Lightworker thing and how the attitude I find myself having fits in. I feel like I definitely would choose Lightworker over Dark. And after reading seeker5's post I find myself wanting to commit to a life of service. But isn't it selfish to want to withhold from certain people because they "should" reciprocate? And wouldn't a "True Lightworker" give without such selfish thoughts?

I want to add that this only affects how I feel about giving and serving people closest to me, not strangers, which makes me think there is more behind it. And that people are always telling me I make it easy for others to take advantage of me because I offer to help so willingly and people come to expect it. It seems like at those times when I am genuinely exhausted or broke and have to turn down a request, people get offended.

I think it occurs with friends when there is no reciprocity from one or the other. I think of it this way. If you're enabling them to be a mooch, that is not good for them either. If they're really broke, then I will help them find a job. If it's just something where they are used to taking, I would ask them if they shouldn't think about not going out if they don't want to pay for it. I'm tired right now, so it's hard for me to think straight, but I personally will take a broke friend out every once in a while, but if they do it too much, I'll surprise them every once in a while by asking for their share. If they say they don't have it on them, I say, "No problem, I'll walk you to an ATM." I just don't ever let them get used to it. Sometimes I'll be like, "You get this one. I'll get you next time." and just walk away. This way they never get used to me paying for everything. If they don't like it, they don't have to hang out with me.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

If in one situation I pay for a friend's meal without giving it a second thought and in another I pay but feel taken for granted, what is the difference?

The difference is that in one situation you want to give, and in the other you don't. You have no obligation for consistency, especially in helping people. Plus, while you may not consciously recognize it, behind the scenes you may be taking numerous factors into consideration which add up to you wanting to help only when it is beneficial. In fact, it may be ultimately destructive to both yourself and/or the recipient of your aid for you to help in some situations. So give willingly, but withhold with the same resolve.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

If they don't like it, they don't have to hang out with me.

You may have inadvertantly hit on something there. I wonder sometimes if certain people would continue to spend time with me were it not for what they can expect to get out of it. That does feel crummy, but I am not sure what to do about it.

Originally Posted by The Cloud

The difference is that in one situation you want to give, and in the other you don't. You have no obligation for consistency, especially in helping people. Plus, while you may not consciously recognize it, behind the scenes you may be taking numerous factors into consideration which add up to you wanting to help only when it is beneficial. In fact, it may be ultimately destructive to both yourself and/or the recipient of your aid for you to help in some situations. So give willingly, but withhold with the same resolve.

I am not sure if you polarize one way or the other, but I wonder how this would fit in with Lightworker status? I see the logic in what you are saying, but would Lightworker withhold? I understand s/he would commit to service of the greater good, but how can one really know what would serve the greater good more, giving or withholding?

I find it hard to say no even when I want to.

[jaamkie]

Yea I agree the trouble is separating friendship from helping someone- sometimes friendship makes people they think they can ask things of you they wouldn't ask of a stranger, you think you owe them something more than you owe a stranger, the idea that you're sort of paying to spend time with them or be treated affectionately, maybe you are kind/giving in the short-term in a way that ultimately is not of service to them in the long term but is easier for you- you can go nicer places, it quiets complaints about the prices of things or their financial circumstances, you don't have to argue with their assumptions that you will pay more than your fair share...

I think the way to approach it is to distance yourself a bit and treat them as kindly as you would treat a stranger- having some immediate short-term willingness to help out, compassion for their life issues, but not expecting to subsidize them indefinitely. If you still want to give more then admit it is partially selfish- to spend more time with the person, to go to nicer places, to avoid confrontation- and take responsibility for the decision to keep giving to them. Also maybe you could get involved with a more worthy impersonal charitable cause, so you would have an outlet for your feelings of generosity- I think also it would give you perspective to better judge whether your friends have legitimate needs or are just being lazy moochers.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I am not sure if you polarize one way or the other, but I wonder how this would fit in with Lightworker status? I see the logic in what you are saying, but would Lightworker withhold? I understand s/he would commit to service of the greater good, but how can one really know what would serve the greater good more, giving or withholding?

I find it hard to say no even when I want to.

I personally don't believe in the Lightworker/Darkworker dichotomy. As far as I've read, it basically says that either you live for others, or you force others live for you. Neither definition allows you to live for yourself and to allow others to live for themselves.

My personal biase aside, if you can't arrive at becoming a Lightworker independent of the definition of Lightworker, then the idea has little validity in the first place. Perhaps try being {aspiring_to_clarity}, and see if she turns out to be a Lightworker. If you really are one, then your natural tendencies will be those of a Lightworker, so you wont' have to worry about whether or not you are doing as a Lightworker does. As long as you follow a prescripted idea of who you are supposed to be, you won't be you and you won't be happy.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

But isn't it selfish to want to withhold from certain people because they "should" reciprocate?

That's not giving you're talking about there. It's a transaction. Only the terms of the transaction are not clear to both parties, so that's kind of a crappy exchange of energy, isn't it?

A Lightworker, or just the person you'd feel good being, doesn't have to give, give, give away everything she has, money, body, and spirit. She gets to choose when she can give generously with a glad heart, expecting nothing in return, and when she maintains her assets so that she can tend her own well-being. That is your responsibility, even for a Lightworker, you know.

I'm looking forward to hearing what you have to say about that book, "Busting Loose from the Money Game" -- it has some interesting things to say about "expressing appreciation" and I would like to know how they hit you, in light of what you're thinking about here.

LOLa

[Erki]

Originally Posted by Angela

LOLa

Where is she?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Perhaps try being {aspiring_to_clarity}, and see if she turns out to be a Lightworker.

What a novel idea .

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

That's not giving you're talking about there. It's a transaction. Only the terms of the transaction are not clear to both parties, so that's kind of a crappy exchange of energy, isn't it?

I agree. I think my issue then becomes how do I clear up the terms after operating in one way so long. I guess I am afraid of what will happen when I do.

And what is LOLa??

[Angela]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I agree. I think my issue then becomes how do I clear up the terms after operating in one way so long. I guess I am afraid of what will happen when I do.

And what is LOLa??

By being straight with people. Make a choice each time. Either give (buy dinner and practice letting go of feeling "owed") or transact (say, "I'll get this one; you can buy next time, okay?"). If it's a transaction, hold the person accountable: next time she suggests dinner, pipe up right away with, "it's your turn to pay this time, Brunhilda." So she can choose a place she can afford. Practice letting go of any resentment about paying for the more expensive meal; it's about being together, not about the value of the dinner.

LOLa means
Lots of Love
angela

(I got lazy)

[sheffy4]

Maybe try to take money out of the situation. Instead of buying your friend dinner, maybe alternate cooking dinner for each other, or doing something else at home that doesn't cost money (start a weekly card game or something). This might take some pressure off of the money issue, and it might reveal the true motives of your friends.

[robc]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Just mulling over some thoughts. I wonder what everyone thinks of this:

I happen to be blessed with a decent job, a well-running car and some expendable income. I enjoy helping my friends and family out when I can. Most of the time I give or serve with joy, thinking about how nice it feels to be in a position to help out people I love. But sometimes I feel taken advantage of. It happens more with certain people than with others and I'm not sure what that means. I have thought maybe I expect reciprocation from certain people and not from others. But I'm not sure what to do about any of this. If in one situation I pay for a friend's meal without giving it a second thought and in another I pay but feel taken for granted, what is the difference?

I guess I've been thinking of the whole Lightworker thing and how the attitude I find myself having fits in. I feel like I definitely would choose Lightworker over Dark. And after reading seeker5's post I find myself wanting to commit to a life of service. But isn't it selfish to want to withhold from certain people because they "should" reciprocate? And wouldn't a "True Lightworker" give without such selfish thoughts?

I want to add that this only affects how I feel about giving and serving people closest to me, not strangers, which makes me think there is more behind it. And that people are always telling me I make it easy for others to take advantage of me because I offer to help so willingly and people come to expect it. It seems like at those times when I am genuinely exhausted or broke and have to turn down a request, people get offended.

From your post you sound like life is treating you well (congrats, keep pressing forward, whatever you're doing, do more of, LOA is treating you well, go with it!!!).

As for your example where you take out a friend for lunch and pay for lunch and don't feel bad but when you do the same for the other person, you feel like you're being taken advantage of. Quick remedy for that would be... stop taking that other person out for free lunches, if it bothers you to the point where you feel bad about it afterwards, you're getting no benefit from that lunch (other than nutrition & calories) so stop having lunch with that specific person.

Before you say it isn't that simple... STOP!
It really is that simple. What isn't simple is the fact that you will reject that solution because you make it difficult on yourself to stop performing this action.

You have control over your life, thoughts & actions.
You can't control other people's thoughts & actions.
It would be nice for your 2nd friend to reciprocate and buy you lunch every now & then to match your good deed but it isn't a requirement in life, it's not a necessity, you will live & survive regardless if they do this or not. Once you realize this, you have power. Take control of the situation, if that person's company during lunch isn't enough payment to have lunch with them that you feel cheated or taken advantage of, stop having lunch with that person, stop paying for lunch for that person, just STOP!

Being selfish isn't the worst thing.
In fact I think it might be helping a little.
It means you place value on your life, it means you believe that good things should & will happen to you. You can be selfless & help other people but if you can't do that without feeling bad, that may not be the life for you.
It's your reality, it's your life, do the things that make you feel good in life, place yourself in alignment with positive things in your life, this way more good things will appear in your life, you will enjoy it much better.

Learn to stop feeling bad about things you are doing or at least stop doing the things that make you feel bad.

Stop buying lunch for this person, it will not make you a bad person.
If you are required to have lunch with this person, ask for separate bills when the cheque comes, it's not bad to do this.

You never know, this person may end up buying you lunch one of these days out of the blue.

Just my 0.02 cents cdn. Let me know how it works out!

[Plato]

"Teach a man to fish......."

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by Angela

By being straight with people. Make a choice each time. Either give (buy dinner and practice letting go of feeling "owed") or transact (say, "I'll get this one; you can buy next time, okay?"). If it's a transaction, hold the person accountable: next time she suggests dinner, pipe up right away with, "it's your turn to pay this time, Brunhilda." So she can choose a place she can afford. Practice letting go of any resentment about paying for the more expensive meal; it's about being together, not about the value of the dinner.

LOLa means
Lots of Love
angela

(I got lazy)

Just make them realize they can't get used to using you.

[awakentransform]

Here is a paragraph from one of my favorite authors Sanaya Roman's book "Personal Power through Awareness"

Many of you are in situations in which you feel the energy exchange is not equal. Suppose someone is constantly borrowing money from you and not paying you back. The more you try to get repaid with no results, the angrier you get. You can go within and ask, "Is it symbolic of my giving away my energy and not opening to receive it back?" If you have a belief that says you do not deserve to have all that you want, affirm to yourself that you can have relationships that are healing for both you and others.

Being committed to your higher purpose and loving to yourself is your first priority. In your day-to-day contacts, know that you do not owe anyone your time or energy. When you are feeling depreciated, angry, or drained, it is a sign that other people are not open to your energy. There is no reason to put yourself in a situation where you feel depreciated, unloved or undervalued.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks everyone. Lots of really great thoughts for me to ponder.