Help a Loner

[qwerty123]

Hello everyone
I'm a loner and I'm really uncomfortable outside of my house. I'm scared to socialize. But I want to change that.

If everything is a habit,
How long do you think it could take me to get comfortable in social situations?

[The Cloud]

Forever, if you don't leave the house. I don't know how socially inept you are, but I would say within a year you could be at a level you find acceptable.

[Joukai]

Just a point of view, but perhaps you shouldn't go at this with a "how long" mentality. Put yourself out there, look stupid, push through the pain, have fun. And keep on moving forward.

Eventually, you'll get happier about your situation, as it improves.

[jaamkie]

curious whether it's the "out of the house" or the social anxiety that's bothering you? and are you expecting yourself to go alone to socialize or with a friend or group? I think it'd be a big challenge to go directly from barely leaving the house and uncomfortable on the phone and even routine non-personal social interactions (I was this way when younger), to going out to a loud crowded pretentious bar and flirting with strangers, but I think there's a lot of shades of grey in between those two extremes and you build up to it as you get comfortable and as circumstances/opportunities arise to be more social.

For me it's been years of slowly maturing out of it as I've become an adult and expected to do normal social stuff, but then I wasn't in a rush about it, it just sort of has happened as my perspectives on the world have changed and as life has pushed me out of one comfort zone into another... Also I'd still call myself a loner, but now I think it comes from just being equally comfortable alone and with others, and sort of doing cost-benefit about whether the potential interaction is worth the petty annoyances of socializing (taking time away from other pursuits, meeting up and waiting for people, spending money on overpriced drinks, dressing up/down, listening to boring people, crowds and sensory overload/unpleasantness, watching people eat non-vegan food...). It's funny how it seems like such a big deal while you're sitting there at home, but once you accustom yourself to meeting people it seems so vaguely pleasantly routine and unimportant, though sometimes with the prize of an instant intense connection and great conversation.

[kboleski]

You will never make a change until you make a change. Find something that you have always wanted to do and MAKE yourself do it. Go to the gym for a pilates class, take a music lesson, take dance lessons with abandon. Just Do It!! I know that sounds cliche, but no one else can do it for you. You have created a "box of limitations" for living your life and human nature is that you will fear stepping out of it. You are stuck in your habits. You have to make changes to have something different. Dr. Phil puts a theory into simple english, "Start the behaviour and the feeling will come." That is SO TRUE. You have to get past the initial fear of beginning, realizing that you won't fail, to reach the point where believe it or not, you actually enjoy it! Even if you look stupid, it is OK! No one is perfect. Most successful people will applaud you for trying. It is easy to shrink into the woodwork and hide in your home. The hard part is facing your fears, putting yourself out there. If you are concerned because you feel that you are socially inept, there is help for that. You only have to be a person with integrity that people can respect and be a person that is solution driven and willing to work for it. People like people who are positive, problem solvers, get it done, motivated kind of people. It is ok to complain when there is a problem. But, you then have to find the solution and quit complaining about it. No one REALLY cares about your problems and complaints. The people who love you do. But, even they get tired of hearing about it. They have their own problems. What people expect you to do is find a solution to the problem so it doesn't control you, so you can move on with your life, so they can enjoy a pleasant, happy person to be around. Enough of that! I am writing this assuming that you are aware of most of this and can decide to just start. Just do it! Live your life by your own designs, not by what you are afraid people will think of you.