When is attraction reasonable?

[Spartan]

When is it reasonable to let yourself feel attraction towards someone? And under what circumstances is it reasonable to act on those feelings?

Are you cautious - keeping your cards and feelings close to your chest? Or do you play every hand regardless of the odds?

If you feel attracted towards someone, but don’t think there’s a good enough reason, would you still act? For example, would you hesitate about asking someone out for a date, because you didn’t know them well enough? And would you date someone you barely knew?

Do you consistently try to hide your attraction towards people (acting like a friendly robot), or do you indulge that side of your nature?

[Fullcrum]

Indulge it. The desires are natural. In a few cases it is not appropriate to act on them, but in the vast majority of cases, more than society would have you believe, it is quite appropriate to act on them and I choose to. I would never repress them anyway, even if you don't want to act on them, but instead channel them, Napoleon Hill style. Why do you ask?

[Dan.Linehan]

I think Fullcrum is spot on here. When attraction happens, act on it.

Your attractions will evolve as you learn what you like and what you don't.

[Fullcrum]

Yeah, you can't really judge before you've been there. When you've been there enough then you'll naturally screen out the people that you feel in your gut that you don't want.

[DayInTheLife]

It is unreasonable only when you are taking disproportionate risks.

For example, you are attracted to a woman who has a boyfriend in the mob... stay away.

Otherwise, just being curious is a good enough reason to pursue somebody. Do what you feel like and see what happens; don't worry about looking foolish.

And would you date someone you barely knew?

Of course! That's how you get to know someone. Don't worry about it not working out. No need to worry about getting her/him to like you. Whatever happens happens. To conduct yourself with this kind of nonattachment is incredibly powerful. And fun!

[Fullcrum]

"For example, you are attracted to a woman who has a boyfriend in the mob... stay away."

Haha, I've never seen that...but I'm sure it's out there. hehe, stay away!

[Spartan]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

Why do you ask?

I want to know what people think.

I often talk myself out of being attracted to someone. For example, I say things like I don't even know her, she's probably just a fun-loving immature bimbo, she probably already has a boyfriend, she probably likes older men, she probably doesn't enjoy the same things as me etc.

[LifeFirst]

I think you should know the answer. Logic-wise it's not too hard to know when the attraction is reasonable. If you're attracted to a 14-year old girl....then of course that's not reasonable. If you're the manager and you're attracted to one of your employees.....then it's not very reasonable. If you're attracted to your brother's wife, it's not reasonable.



I'm a senior in college right now, and there's a freshmen female who is, to say the least, attracted to me. I can tell, it's so obvious. Thing is, I think she knows about me from her friends or something (who are people I know). She's really pretty, looks like an excellent student, sings really well. What can I do?? I've never talked to her but the attraction is there, we see each other from time to time. And I'll pretend that I don't see her, and I know that she's checking me out from the corner. I can't do anything about it. Just have to let it go. This attraction is not reasonable in any way.

[Spartan]

Originally Posted by LifeFirst

I'm a senior in college right now, and there's a freshmen female who is, to say the least, attracted to me. I can tell, it's so obvious. Thing is, I think she knows about me from her friends or something (who are people I know). She's really pretty, looks like an excellent student, sings really well. What can I do?? I've never talked to her but the attraction is there, we see each other from time to time. And I'll pretend that I don't see her, and I know that she's checking me out from the corner. I can't do anything about it. Just have to let it go. This attraction is not reasonable in any way.

I feel you. I used to smile at random attractive girls I didn't know. But know I realise this is immature, and so don't even bother to make prolonged eye contact. I don't want to delude myself anymore - I don't want to live in a fantasy.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by LifeFirst

I'm a senior in college right now, and there's a freshmen female who is, to say the least, attracted to me. I can tell, it's so obvious. Thing is, I think she knows about me from her friends or something (who are people I know). She's really pretty, looks like an excellent student, sings really well. What can I do?? I've never talked to her but the attraction is there, we see each other from time to time. And I'll pretend that I don't see her, and I know that she's checking me out from the corner. I can't do anything about it. Just have to let it go. This attraction is not reasonable in any way.

Why?

I agree with your other examples (of socially accepted attraction) but I fail to see what separates a freshman and a senior but a few years of education. Why would that make attraction between the two unreasonable?

Maybe you're just telling yourself this because you don't want to find out where this attraction leads, if you let it run free?

Oh, and Spartan, smiling at attractive girls is not immature at all. I would say it is rather healthy, not to mention often appreciated - all people like to be smiled at

[Fullcrum]

Yeah Spartan, you're telling us what is known colloquially as a LIMITING BELIEF!

Don't be a chode, go talk to strangers. The way you talk yourself out of attraction, those are rationalizations. They come from a place of insecurity. I'd say definitely go talk to random chicks now and make like that silly insecurity was never there.

[DayInTheLife]

Originally Posted by Spartan

I often talk myself out of being attracted to someone. For example, I say things like I don't even know her, she's probably just a fun-loving immature bimbo, she probably already has a boyfriend, she probably likes older men, she probably doesn't enjoy the same things as me etc.

This is a mistake.

Why do you do that? Think about it and be honest with yourself.

[robc]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

Yeah Spartan, you're telling us what is known colloquially as a LIMITING BELIEF!

Don't be a chode, go talk to strangers. The way you talk yourself out of attraction, those are rationalizations. They come from a place of insecurity. I'd say definitely go talk to random chicks now and make like that silly insecurity was never there.

What is a CHODE?

[LifeFirst]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Why?

I agree with your other examples (of socially accepted attraction) but I fail to see what separates a freshman and a senior but a few years of education. Why would that make attraction between the two unreasonable?

Maybe you're just telling yourself this because you don't want to find out where this attraction leads, if you let it run free?

Oh, and Spartan, smiling at attractive girls is not immature at all. I would say it is rather healthy, not to mention often appreciated - all people like to be smiled at

People change. I doubt you're the same person when you're a freshmen in college, when you become a senior, you're completely different. These 3-4 years have changed me the the point where I've already become someone else. Not act as someone else, but became someone else. It's quite....chilling.


And plus, I can't be getting into relationships when there are so many things wrong with my Life. I can barely handle what's going on right now, I can't bring it upon nobody.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by LifeFirst

People change. I doubt you're the same person when you're a freshmen in college, when you become a senior, you're completely different. These 3-4 years have changed me the the point where I've already become someone else. Not act as someone else, but became someone else. It's quite....chilling.

Yes it is... but that doesn't make you somehow 'incompatible' with freshmen when you're a senior. Plus, not every one develops (changes) at the same rate...

And plus, I can't be getting into relationships when there are so many things wrong with my Life. I can barely handle what's going on right now, I can't bring it upon nobody.

Aha! Now that is a good reason - you don't want a relationship, because you want to 'fix' yourself first. That's understandable.

[LifeFirst]

I do want to get into one....who doesn't.


But my situation just prevents me from doing it, unless I change it. It's just frustrating.

And plus...it's not like she's the only one...there are others...which makes it worse because it's so tantalizing.

[The Cloud]

It's always reasonable to allow yourself to feel attraction toward someone. It's reasonable to act on that attraction when you feel you should. There is no meter by which you can measure attraction, it is purely subjective, and thus purely your choice. If you're willing to act on the attraction, then it is reasonable to do so.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by LifeFirst

But my situation just prevents me from doing it, unless I change it. It's just frustrating.

Have you considered that holding back on your feelings is what prevents you from changing your situation?

Why not let these girls who are attracted to you decide whether or not you need to change? I would not be surprised if they are attracted to who you are right now and not some idealized future version of you.

[Spartan]

Originally Posted by DayInTheLife

This is a mistake.

Why do you do that? Think about it and be honest with yourself.

I think it's because I actually fear being in a relationship. I fear the responsibility of living up to someone else's expectations and being held responsible for someone's happiness. I struggle to be happy and content by myself, I don't want any more emotional burdens on me.

Also, I don't trust in my ability to have a successful relationship with someone; perhaps it's low self-esteem that's holding me back?

I just think that there is someone else better suited to that person than me, thus I usually don't even bother trying.

Not to mention the fact that I genuinely find it hard to feel real attraction towards people. Don't get me wrong there are plenty of beautiful women around who I'm attracted to in a physical sense, but I feel ashamed of myself for being superficial.

It seems like my values are contradicting. I want to be a nice person, not another fool who tries it on with every attractive girl he meets - further degrading the reputation of men in womens eyes. Thus I repress the attraction.

I wish I didn't have to think about attractive women in a sexual way. I wish I could talk to them freely without harboring an ulterior motive. It saddens me that I cannnot do that.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Spartan

Don't get me wrong there are plenty of beautiful women around who I'm attracted to in a physical sense, but I feel ashamed of myself for being superficial.

It seems like my values are contradicting. I want to be a nice person, not another fool who tries it on with every attractive girl he meets - further degrading the reputation of men in womens eyes.

Please don't feel ashamed. We all see people and find them attractive. It doesn't negate being a nice guy. A nice guy can still find a thousand women attractive without objectifying or victimizing them. And he can be in a loving relationship with one woman and still find other women attractive -- and still be a nice guy! The natural impulse of physical attraction is not bad.

I hope you will take a look at all the beliefs and feelings you posted. Many of them seem so self-defeating and limiting from my point of view (and I have many similar views myself). Really dig into the truth (or actually falsity) of the statements you made. Maybe you will find areas where you can install some more empowering beliefs.

[introspective1]

Originally Posted by Spartan

I think it's because I actually fear being in a relationship. I fear the responsibility of living up to someone else's expectations and being held responsible for someone's happiness. I struggle to be happy and content by myself, I don't want any more emotional burdens on me.

Also, I don't trust in my ability to have a successful relationship with someone; perhaps it's low self-esteem that's holding me back?

I just think that there is someone else better suited to that person than me, thus I usually don't even bother trying.

Wow, Spartan, this kinda sounds like me. I am glad that you made this post. Maybe you fear relationships because someone (or several people ) you know has been in a bad relationships or you are still living out past relationships. Like me, I think you should look deep down inside yourself and find out what else is stopping you from having a (successful) relationship and face the fear. Have you talked to a counselor about your fear of relationships? I am in the process of doin that now and it is starting to help me!

[Perfect Sunday]

When is attraction reasonable?

ALWAYS!!

Originally Posted by Spartan

I often talk myself out of being attracted to someone.

Yet, have you ever talked yourself INTO being attracted?

To feel attraction is to be alive.

[garentee]

Attraction can be both good and bad.. it depends on weather you have an idea of what is in your past. although it is usually good to act on attraction. If you do you will learn something. This past winter,I had a tremendous attraction to a woman who I had been friends with for a long time. We ended up spending a good amount of time together for a few weeks and smoochin etc. It did not last long, and when it was over it really made me take a long hard look at things in my relationships that needed attention. As it turns out she was a perfect match for a pattern that in my current state does not fit. I think it is ultimately a really good thing to have gone through this. So acting on attraction can be a very good thing.

[Brutha]

Not to mention the fact that I genuinely find it hard to feel real attraction towards people. Don't get me wrong there are plenty of beautiful women around who I'm attracted to in a physical sense, but I feel ashamed of myself for being superficial.

If you feel ashamed for being attracted it is no wonder that you find it hard to feel real attraction.

[Spartan]

I think I harbor the belief that on a non-physical level there aren't many people who I could connect with and feel comfortable enough to be in a relationship with. Thus when I'm attracted to someone's physical appearance, I remind myself that on a non-physical level they are unlikely to be a good match.

I don't want to delude myself, create false expectations, or become attached to a particular outcome over which I have no control.

I'm not even sure I have the time for a girlfriend. I'm in to fitness and spend a lot of time working on my own fitness goals, which I struggle to fit in with everything else.

Also, I'm at university to get a degree, so that is my main priority. Thus I have little motivation to actively pursue girls and participate in silly courting rituals. I do want a relationship and I have the sex-drive of a typical 20 year old, however the effort required doesn't seem worth it at this moment in time.

[Nicketas]

Originally Posted by Spartan

When is it reasonable to let yourself feel attraction towards someone? And under what circumstances is it reasonable to act on those feelings?

Are you cautious - keeping your cards and feelings close to your chest? Or do you play every hand regardless of the odds?

If you feel attracted towards someone, but don’t think there’s a good enough reason, would you still act? For example, would you hesitate about asking someone out for a date, because you didn’t know them well enough? And would you date someone you barely knew?

Do you consistently try to hide your attraction towards people (acting like a friendly robot), or do you indulge that side of your nature?

It's always reasonable to have any feelings towards any emotion no matter what anyone here or anywhere else would tell you.

There are no "right" or "wrong" emotions - they just are.

Its what you DO with them that counts.

Its ok to feel emotions privately. The ethics come in determining ACTIONS.

Do not confuse the two.

In order to determine whether your feelings should be expressed to another person, ask yourself how would they react and is it a good fit for the situation?

Other people are entitled to their own feelings and actions as well.

If you determine that the other person may not react well, keep your feelings private by writing them in a journal and indulging in your own fantasies privately, but don't obsess.

Accept and move on.

If the person might reciprocate interest, then go for it, attentively.

[Neblasian]

Hi,

If attraction was reasonable then all the nice guys will get all the dates and all the jerks will remain single. And we all know it doesn't work that way. Attraction isn't a choice, that why you will hear some girls say "I don't know why I love him so much". Because there is no "reason" behind it. When you meet an attractive lady don't try to find a reason to talk to her. Never do it this way. I tried that and failed. Your ego will immediately kick in making you thing your not good enough, handsome enough, rich enough, blah, blah. Just go to have fun.

Neblasian

[Spartan]

Originally Posted by Neblasian

If attraction was reasonable then all the nice guys will get all the dates and all the jerks will remain single. And we all know it doesn't work that way.

On a side note...

[RANT]

Who the hell invented this concept of 'nice guys' and 'jerks'?

It seems like a gross generalization to organize an entire population of diverse male individuals into one of two arbitrary catergories.

[/RANT]

Back to main discussion.

[DayInTheLife]

Originally Posted by Spartan

I'm not even sure I have the time for a girlfriend. I'm in to fitness and spend a lot of time working on my own fitness goals, which I struggle to fit in with everything else.

Also, I'm at university to get a degree, so that is my main priority. Thus I have little motivation to actively pursue girls and participate in silly courting rituals. I do want a relationship and I have the sex-drive of a typical 20 year old, however the effort required doesn't seem worth it at this moment in time.

Hahah...

Don't worry about schedules or courtship rituals or educational goals getting in the way. Love will blindside you like a kick to the temple when you when you are expecting anything but.

[Vasilisa]

It's so alien for me to hear about all those things like "should I or shouldn't I pursue a girl I like". I think our civilization went wrong at some point and screwed people up. I hear the same things from the ladies too, like : "Oh, I'm such a busy bee, I don't have time for a relationship..."
In my opinion there is nothing more pleasurable and giving sense to life than communication at all levels -friendships, love, courtship, etc.
In my mind all that career, fitness, etc. are just some hiding places for people who are afraid to open up and get hurt by significant others.
Or, like Lifefirst mentioned people don't feel worthy of love or litlle romance only because they have problems in their lifes. Unfortunately problems might stay a little bit longer than we expect or others will appear. Does it mean we should avoid being close or attracted to other people all together?
P.S. In my experience when I am in love and it's mutual, there are no problems or obstacles in the world which can stop me. I can handle absolutely anything.