When is attraction reasonable?

[Spartan]

I'm not sure I even believe in that romanticised concept of love anymore. I have had crushes before when I was young and naive. The kind that made me feel butterflies in my stomach. However, I now think that that kind of feeling is only accessible to innocent, naive teens - something you mature out of.

What I believe now is that romantic love is just an obsession that occurs when one invests a lot of emotional energy thinking about a particular person in a romantic way.

Thus it would require me to repeatedly think about a particular person in a romantic way, for a prolonged period of time, before I became attached enough to consider myself 'in love'.

Since I have decided not to delude myself with romantic fantasies, I don't see how I can fall in love anymore?

I just feel sad now if I'm attracted to someone and begin to fantacize that they might be attracted to me. In fact I try to avoid eye contact with them, so I can forget about the delusion. Thus I am probably impossible to read for most girls. Also, I feel like I don't belong in a relationship. I feel like relationships are something other people have.

[SaberToothDream]

Spartan, I am in the same boat as you so I’m really glad you posted. I always have this problem where I am attracted to women but I don’t want to act on it because I’m afraid I’ll seem like a creep. So I tell myself I’ll wait for the right moment to say something, where it won’t seem bizarre, random and weird. But that moment hardly ever comes. The consensus seems to be the same that attraction is worth acting on, worth the risk of looking foolish; and it seems like advice worth taking. My brother has been telling me the same thing with respect to my situation. Really helpful thread!

[Vasilisa]

I don't understand anything. Why would a man who is just being a man and therefore attracted to pretty women seem a creep to anyone?
I think it's abolutely natural behavior. To me the one who has no attraction or desire would be strange.
Don't you feel sometimes that life without attachments and feelings just a waste of time? When you will be ending your journey here what will you remember? Your career, your posting on the Internet? Or some crazy love you experienced?

[scotthegeek]

Originally Posted by SaberToothDream

Spartan, I am in the same boat as you so I’m really glad you posted. I always have this problem where I am attracted to women but I don’t want to act on it because I’m afraid I’ll seem like a creep.

I would get fear and excitement mixed up, so when a felt attracted to a girl I would feel afraid. I would naturally assume that if I was feel scared about sex she would too. She might think I would try something.

I have a nurse friend that I was hugging and I got aroused I got afraid and pulled away, I few days later I told her I got aroused and I got scared and she said she kind of wonder about that. like no big deal,

I asked her if me getting aroused scared her, she said your a guy. like that's what guys do. she said it like she liked that I was attracted to her.

[Mogget]

Originally Posted by Spartan

When is it reasonable to let yourself feel attraction towards someone? And under what circumstances is it reasonable to act on those feelings?

Are you cautious - keeping your cards and feelings close to your chest? Or do you play every hand regardless of the odds?

If you feel attracted towards someone, but don’t think there’s a good enough reason, would you still act? For example, would you hesitate about asking someone out for a date, because you didn’t know them well enough? And would you date someone you barely knew?

Do you consistently try to hide your attraction towards people (acting like a friendly robot), or do you indulge that side of your nature?

I feel attracted to lots of people, of different types ages and genders and in different ways. I enjoy it, being attracted to someone is a pleasing sensation.

Acting on those feelings - hmmm that depends on the circumstances - I will flirt gently in most circumstances without qualms, and rely on feedback to know if it was deemed inappropriate/unwanted etc.

I have in the past made my attractions known, asked people out etc based on whether I was single/they were single - I don't do any form of cheating but otherwise I am pretty open to finding out if it is mutual. Sometimes I get rejected, that's ok, I move on quite quickly!

I am happy to go out with/ 'date' people I don't know as the point of dating is to get to know them... but historically my better relationships have been with people I have known for longer or been friends with for a while.

Now that I am married, I won't make overt mention of my attraction to someone if it would cause them to feel uncomfortable, or be in danger of sending a false signal - I find lots of people attractive but I am not interested in pursuing another relationship.

[pjhaggerty]

attraction is neither reasonable nor unreasonable. it just is.

acting on attraction can be either reasonable or unreasonable, depending on a lot of mainly social factors.