Changing Others

[Nani]

Hi!

I've started to think about my relationships with other people. I just read one of Steve's articles and in it he talked about how your relationships with other people are really relationships with yourself. He cited an example of how Erin became more organized once he himself became more neat. One thing I got from this is that you can change people if you change yourself.

But then I remembered another article Steve wrote about how to help negative people, and one of the options was to lovingly let go of the person. And this tells me that you can't always change people. So I'm confused. To what extent can you change others?

This concerns me mostly because my brother is a heavy smoker and I want him to stop for the sake of his health. He has said that he intends to stop so I know he at least wants to. I thought that by being more committed to my goals he would be more committed to stopping, but this has not worked. So is this something that only he can stop for himself?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Nani

To what extent can you change others?

You can't. You do not have direct control over anyone but yourself.

Best you can do is lead by example or stop enabling/tolerating behavior that you do not agree with. Reverse psychology has its merits too. But there are no guarantees.

In the case of your brother smoking, just don't allow him to smoke in your house (where you make the rules) anymore. I doubt this alone will make him drop the habit, but it sends a clear signal to him about where you stand on this and might help to strengthen his resolve to quit.

(In my social circle it has more or less become the norm that the smokers don't smoke when they're at a non-smoker's place and the number of smokers is on a steady decline)

[Cran]

I actually get VERY annoyed if somebody tries to change me because he or she thinks it's "for my best"!
Hey, I am grown up (at leat my passport says so), and I define for myself what is best for me.

[NickW]

Sorry, I don't understand. Why would you want to "change others?"

[Alison Jenkins]

You can't change anyone but yourself but what can happen is the changes you make then forces someone to make a different choice. So for example you can't make your brother in law stop smoking but you can say I will not allow you to smoke in my house. This in turn will change the situation.

I've made loads of changes and other people around me have had to change, but that is very different from me trying to change them

Alison

[Holistic Star]

What is in your own life that you want to give up but feel addicted to?

it could be a food, a feeling, a person, tv, internet, a thought, a role, a job, some aspect of your lifestyle etc

Look closely and you will find something that you feel you can't live without but that isn't doing you any good. Your brother is just mirroring that aspect of yourself back at you.

[Nani]

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

I was trying to take Steve's advice on working on yourself to see improvements in other people, but I may have been doing it wrong. Holistic Star, I never thought about the situation that way. I'm not sure what the addiction of mine could be, but I think it might be the internet as I do spend a big bulk of my time online...

I don't want to change anyone against their will, which is why I figured doing it indirectly was a great idea.

NickW, in my case I want to change my brother in his smoking habits because it's unhealthy. There's no benefit at all to smoking and he knows that, and he's expressed a desire to quit but just can't seem to do it. I'm not annoying him about it or forcing him to quit because I recognize it is his decision through and through, which is why this indirect approach of working on yourself and seeing others change accordingly appealed to me.

By the way, my brother does not smoke in the house, he smokes outside the balcony.

I'm going to lessen my time on the computer and see what happens.

[robc]

I hear both may work very well to help quit smoking.

I also hear that you can get a prescription from the doctor which somehow helps tone down the craving for nicotine and actually makes it an unpleasant experience when you do smoke (don't know how it works, makes smoking taste very bitter, not sure)

There are lots of ways to do it.

Going cold turkey is only as effective as the willpower behind it.
That may be what is keeping your brother from quitting.

If he really wants to quit, he will do it when he is ready.

Change is very possible by anyone, they just need to be ready to change to implement the new pattern of behavior in their life. Until they're ready, I don't know how much you can do to change that on your end.

As far as Steve goes, he's been doing this for a very long time.
If he has implemented IM and LOA and changed the subjective reality within his perception to somehow change the behavior of his partner, it's only because he's been practicing his skill for a very long period of time.
I'm not saying it's impossible for you to be able to do this, I'm just saying that Steve has been honing his skills and training his brain to think specific ways which allows those things to manifest in his reality.

I do think it's very possible for him to do this, I'm nowhere near that skill level yet and I would say that holds true for most of us.

(that won't stop me from trying though... don't let it stop you either )

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Nani

There's no benefit at all to smoking and he knows that

If there were *no* benefit, he wouldn't be doing it. He's receiving benefit, and that benefit apparently outweighs the negatives for him.

Most smokers I've know who've quit have expressed a LOT of anger right after they stop smoking; smoking somehow suppressed that anger, pushed it inward.

I've also had a shaman recommend smoking tobacco as a way of grounding yourself if you do high-energy work. Not mindlessly smoking, but conscientiously choosing to smoke a bit, to help get grounded.

[coLLege kid07]

Originally Posted by Nani

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

I was trying to take Steve's advice on working on yourself to see improvements in other people, but I may have been doing it wrong. Holistic Star, I never thought about the situation that way. I'm not sure what the addiction of mine could be, but I think it might be the internet as I do spend a big bulk of my time online...

I don't want to change anyone against their will, which is why I figured doing it indirectly was a great idea.

NickW, in my case I want to change my brother in his smoking habits because it's unhealthy. There's no benefit at all to smoking and he knows that, and he's expressed a desire to quit but just can't seem to do it. I'm not annoying him about it or forcing him to quit because I recognize it is his decision through and through, which is why this indirect approach of working on yourself and seeing others change accordingly appealed to me.

By the way, my brother does not smoke in the house, he smokes outside the balcony.

I'm going to lessen my time on the computer and see what happens.

Maybe you should tell him you don't like how he smokes. Then tell him the reasons why.

I don't believe the change you're talking about is one that is actually going to happen. The change steve talks about is spiritual change and one that change's YOUR lifestyle. Steve can't literally go over to someone and make them stop smoking (no one can =/). Bottom line is I think you should just talk to your brother about it and see what he says. Maybe you'll influence him in some way. Sorry to say but you can't literally change someone. I Wish it were possible but its not

Good luck.

[NickW]

Originally Posted by Nani

NickW, in my case I want to change my brother in his smoking habits because it's unhealthy. There's no benefit at all to smoking and he knows that, and he's expressed a desire to quit but just can't seem to do it. I'm not annoying him about it or forcing him to quit because I recognize it is his decision through and through, which is why this indirect approach of working on yourself and seeing others change accordingly appealed to me.

Oh, OK....just semantic confusion. To me, this isn't "changing others;" it's offerring someone help and support in kicking a bad habit.

Not much more you can do. People choose their destinies. You can only do so much for someone.

[WRX AJT]

In my OLS 274 Applied Leadership class we learned that you CAN NOT change someone. All you can do is manage their enviornment and put them in an enviornment that will make them want to change because THEY want to change.

I'm having a very tough time with this right now.... Check out my other post "Miserable"...

[Plato]

People must be allowed to make their own mistakes to properly understand why they are mistakes. If you want a person to be truly good they must do things because they understand that it is the right thing to do, not just because they are told to. Generally the harder you force people to comply, the harder they resist. First you must be entirely non-judgmental and then maybe he will look to you as a role-model.

[PerDev]

Originally Posted by Nani

Hi!

I've started to think about my relationships with other people. I just read one of Steve's articles and in it he talked about how your relationships with other people are really relationships with yourself. He cited an example of how Erin became more organized once he himself became more neat. One thing I got from this is that you can change people if you change yourself.

But then I remembered another article Steve wrote about how to help negative people, and one of the options was to lovingly let go of the person. And this tells me that you can't always change people. So I'm confused. To what extent can you change others?

This concerns me mostly because my brother is a heavy smoker and I want him to stop for the sake of his health. He has said that he intends to stop so I know he at least wants to. I thought that by being more committed to my goals he would be more committed to stopping, but this has not worked. So is this something that only he can stop for himself?

We can not change others -Only one thing we can do and that is accepting them as they are