Does anyone believe it is possible to overcome loneliness without a relationship?

[TravisBickle]

Hello Smart People,

Let me preface this question with a bit about myself. I'm young (21 years old) and overall quite successful in most areas of my life. I maintaining a regular workout regime, set and acheive goals and have already done quite in my career.

However, I find women a really difficult part of life. I struggle to approach them and feel uncomfortable around those who I'm attracted to. I've even tried internet dating and have generally been rejected. To make matters worse, I suffer a bad case of performance anxiety. So the few girls I have manage to attract, haven't hung around long after the sex part.

Intellectually, it makes sense for me to give up the pursuit of women. I feel like I should be able to live a really fulfilling life without a partner. But, the loneliness so far has been an inescapable pain. It sometimes feels like every part of me is wired to want women.

So, my question is, does anyone think that it is possible to overcome loneliness without actually having a partner? Has anyone had any experience with this? Has anyone ever heard of ways of conditioning the mind to lose the desire to be with a partner (not libido - that's easily dealth with)? Or, is it so ingrained in our being that loneliness is inevitable for those of us who struggle with the opposite sex (or same sex, of course)?

Thanks!

[Joukai]

Why struggle, man?

Believe me when I say I understand the pain of loneliness, but building walls around yourself is NOT the answer. Shielding yourself from pain is NOT the answer.

The way you see it, crashing & burning is not a good thing. It certainly doesn't feel like a good thing. But it is. It's all about growing and loving. And don't run with a loose concept of "love", filled with flowers and chocolate hearts. I will allow my naivete in this matters say that love is not something you own, but something that you experience and learn from.

Wanting to be with someone is a beautiful thing, man. Don't try to kill that desire (because, in fact, you can't). As I said in another thread, this pain you are experiencing is a good thing. Use it to make a decision. Use it to take control of your relationships. The road is paved with tears, pain and shadows... But that's the beauty of it.

Can't remember where this is from, but...

I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.

Good luck!

[JimOfferman]

Absolutely. You don't need a partner to have a fulfilling life - the happy single is not a myth.

Incidentally, having made a fulfilling life for yourself also increases your chances of finding a good partner in the long run.

[Joukai]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Absolutely. You don't need a partner to have a fulfilling life - the happy single is not a myth.

I don't really agree with this in the context provided by the OP. In fact, the OP says he yearns for a relationship.

The happy single is not a myth, but I'd rather be a happy single BY CHOICE (after having understood and got what I wanted and liked) than fooling myself saying I'm happy alone while, deep down, I'd throw everything away by a lil' bit of love.

If the OP feels it's unacceptable for him to be without love/a relationship/sex I think he should go and get it. Comformity has never been and will never be the way.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Joukai

I don't really agree with this in the context provided by the OP. In fact, the OP says he yearns for a relationship.

I didn't read it like that, but I think the OP should confirm or deny your interpretation and not me

The happy single is not a myth, but I'd rather be a happy single BY CHOICE (after having understood and got what I wanted and liked) than fooling myself saying I'm happy alone while, deep down, I'd throw everything away by a lil' bit of love.

How do you define 'by choice'? I would rather be in a relationship than be single, so I cannot very well claim to be single by choice.

I am single because of circumstance - the absence of someone who is both willing and able to be my partner and whom I would be willing and able to partner with. This circumstance does not make me unhappy. On the contrary, I am quite content with the life I lead and the choices I've made and would still be content if this path I'm on would imply being single for the rest of my life. My happiness is not circumstantial.

My feel was that the OP is also seeking this un-circumstantial happiness, rather than wanting to suppress his desire for a lil' bit of love...

[Rockchick26]

I am 35,and have been single for 33 of those years. It sucks. I tried and still try to be happy alone,and a lot of the time i'm ok. But there are always those "other times". You can't run from it. My advice to you is to work on your confidence and self esteem. I know it's hard though,because being rejected MAKES you lose those things,so,i dont really know how to fix them,since i'm in the same boat. I've tried reading books on how to improve your social skills,make people fall in love with you,etc. but its so damn hard to change who you are inside. And it sucks admitting you are less than what you wanted to believe. Good luck to you,and remember there are others in your same situation,who are even older than you.

[Joukai]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

How do you define 'by choice'? I would rather be in a relationship than be single, so I cannot very well claim to be single by choice.

I am single because of circumstance - the absence of someone who is both willing and able to be my partner and whom I would be willing and able to partner with. This circumstance does not make me unhappy. On the contrary, I am quite content with the life I lead and the choices I've made and would still be content if this path I'm on would imply being single for the rest of my life. My happiness is not circumstantial.

My feel was that the OP is also seeking this un-circumstantial happiness, rather than wanting to suppress his desire for a lil' bit of love...

Yes, one doesn't need to be unhappy while being single. That would make the situation worse, in fact.

What I saying is that one doesn't necessarily needs a relationship to feel happy and contempt with life; yet, I see cases upon cases of men (and women) who are very, very frustrated (and that spreads to all the areas of their life).

Be happy when you are single; but don't give up on what you want.

That is it. Live you life to the fullest, and if the best vision of your life includes a relationship(s) then go and get it (nevermind the pain!).

That said, if the OP is simply trying to feel happy while being single, I say that the key aspect is getting out there and meet women, since you know you're actually doing something to move forward towards what you want. After that, is the cliché answer: find your passion, work on it like hell, get busy, smile more often, think positive.

Hope this sheds some light.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Joukai

Be happy when you are single; but don't give up on what you want.

That is it. Live you life to the fullest, and if the best vision of your life includes a relationship(s) then go and get it

Agreed! Absolutely. Although I don't think there exists one best vision of your life - there's a handful at least, probably more (think abundance, not scarcity)

nevermind the pain!

I don't think so. Not necessarily. Pain can't always be avoided, of course... but if the path you are on is only bringing you pain and no results, you are free to choose a different path. Maybe you don't want to do that, because the path you are on holds such a big promise at the end that it is worth going through all the pain. Maybe another paths holds an even greater promise - without all the pain.

[Joukai]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Agreed! Absolutely. Although I don't think there exists one best vision of your life - there's a handful at least, probably more (think abundance, not scarcity)

*thumbs up*

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

I don't think so. Not necessarily. Pain can't always be avoided, of course... but if the path you are on is only bringing you pain and no results, you are free to choose a different path. Maybe you don't want to do that, because the path you are on holds such a big promise at the end that it is worth going through all the pain. Maybe another paths holds an even greater promise - without all the pain.

Of course, pain and no results is no good. But, sometimes, you just have to keep on trucking forward with nothing but faith... To never give up.

That said, one has to assess how much he wants something, and if one's willing to go through all the obstacles that lie ahead just to get that something.

I identify with a lot of these posters because, after drowning myself in self-pity beucase of relationships, I made a choice to change. Took a damn long time, and tons of pain, to get minimal results. But, after all that I have been through, I can say with confidence that I won't accept from myself a "give up" mindset. I have standards and visions for myself, and I'll do my best to accomplish them.

When you make that choice and start having results, the pain starts to disappear and good memories start sticking in your mind. You begin to get stronger. You begin to get happier.

Good stuff, Jim!

[The Cloud]

I'm 22 and have been single every single one of those years. It used to bother me a lot, to distraction in many cases. And in the end, I'm glad of it because it taught me that I can't look to other people for validation. If I wanted to be happy I had to be able to generate that myself without being a relationship-slave, however willing. It is possible.

I won't say it's easy, and I won't say that I'm perfectly happy, but I'm much much less hung up on being single and more able to pursue what I want instead of worrying about what I don't have. More importantly, I'm not dependent on a woman to make my life worthwhile.

P.S. I'm male, if you didn't figure it out already.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

I'm 22 and have been single every single one of those years.

Astonishing. I would have grabbed a man like you when I was around your age, and done my best to please him and squeeze him.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Haha, do you like older women, The Cloud? I'm almost 28...Angela is "taken"

[Dan.Linehan]

I guess I'm the opposite. I've been in relationships for the last nine years - since I was eighteen - with only one year off.

• One year relationship.
• Six year relationship.
• One year off.
• Six month relationship I'm in now.

It's definitely possible to be very happy while single. For me I think I would probably need some other support structures in place to really feel truly joyous though. A positive workplace and a good circle of friends / sports leagues would help a whole lot.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Joukai

Of course, pain and no results is no good. But, sometimes, you just have to keep on trucking forward with nothing but faith...

Yep, sometimes you do...

I believe we are in agreement

To never give up.

Never give in
Hold on to your...

(sorry, just spent the last two hours rehearsing with my band )

[Brutha]

You can be happy regardles of what happens around you. Sit down and meditate

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Angela

Astonishing. I would have grabbed a man like you when I was around your age, and done my best to please him and squeeze him.

Be careful, you may inspire me to invent a time machine. Who knows what trouble I'd get into then?

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Haha, do you like older women, The Cloud? I'm almost 28...Angela is "taken"

I don't not like older women.

By the way, you two aren't helping. Now TravisBickle is going to be stuck trying to be independent so that he can get fine babes to please and squeeze him, which isn't independence at all! Not to say it's not a worthy pursuit, it just doesn't work out practically speaking.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Now TravisBickle is going to be stuck trying to be independent so that he can get fine babes to please and squeeze him, which isn't independence at all!

It's a quandary, isn't it?

TravisBickle (are you talkin' to ME?) is in a great spot to learn the value of light-hearted fun with the opposite sex, the fun of experimenting with ways of being and finding out what's in the hearts of women (not to mention some other spots on them). At age 21, I don't think you have to worry too much about the anxiety you feel about being around attractive people, especially if you can reframe it as excitement or enthusiasm. You can transform it with deliberate thought.

But loneliness -- that's another story. Women can smell loneliness a mile away. Although there are some women who feel tender towards lonely men, in general, it's a great thing to practice letting go and generating something that works better before you put yourself in the arena. I highly recommend the Landmark Forum for getting over social anxiety and inventing new ways of being for yourself that have you really loving your life. Because everybody (almost!) wants to be around people who are in love with their lives -- it is a huge turn-on.

[Spartan]

No offence Angela, but I get the impression you're pretty horny most of the time. I thought sex drive diminished with age?

As for me, I want to be around nice people who make me feel welcome and share similar values. I'm not so keen on people who are 'in love' with themselves (Simon Cowell comes to mind), but that's just me.

And I'm curious, what does loneliness smell like?

edit: And to answer the OP's question, yes it's possible, but only by having a close relationship with friends or family.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Spartan

And to answer the OP's question, yes it's possible, but only by having a close relationship with friends or family.

That is not true. You could be the last living man or woman on earth and still be happy - if you allow your happiness to come from within. Having close relations with friends and family makes finding that state easier, but it is not a requirement.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Spartan

No offence Angela, but I get the impression you're pretty horny most of the time. I thought sex drive diminished with age?

As for me, I want to be around nice people who make me feel welcome and share similar values. I'm not so keen on people who are 'in love' with themselves (Simon Cowell comes to mind), but that's just me.

And I'm curious, what does loneliness smell like?

edit: And to answer the OP's question, yes it's possible, but only by having a close relationship with friends or family.

Spartan, I didn't mean "turned on" in only a sexual way.

Also, you misread what I wrote, I think. I wrote "...everyone (almost!) wants to be around people who are in love with their lives" ... not "in love with themselves." Do you prefer to be around people who hate their life or feel so-so about it, or would you rather be in an LLTMBR with someone who loves their life? (someone who is turned on by their life? )