Chosing a partner between several "admirers"

[YourSelf]

What would be your mindset or logic with which you would approach this problem?

Let's say four girls/guys who don't know each other explicitly told you that they like you and you have clear evidence that they would like to be your partner.

Let's also say that you like all four, but it's hard for you to decide which one you would be in a relationship with...

What would be your criteria?

1. Would you ponder long about the pro's and con's about each of the four "candidates" or just spontaneously choose one randomly?
2. Would you go with the one who you think "deserves" you most, or choose the one whom you like most?

And now something slightly more related to my own situation:
3. You know one of the four girls since less time than the other three, and perhaps because of that you are more attracted to her, the charm is still fresh and stronger... would you discard her in favor of the other three candidates?

[PianoManGidley]

As long as all the "candidates" are in favor of this option, I'd take all of them...but that's because I'm a polygamist myself (I have two boyfriends, one of whom also has another boyfriend). Polygamy isn't for everyone, though, and there are a lot of unique concerns to consider when entering a polygamous relationship. The most important thing is to be open and honest, and never to try to hide the fact that you may have another partner.

[Vasilisa]

In the situation like that I would just listen to my feelings. If attraction to all three admirers would be about the same, I would just have fun, not choosing anyone for serious relationship. Because when a special person appear in your life you will know just know that. And in my opinion that person won't be one of your "admirers". You will probably have to prove to her that you are worthy of dating her.

[YourSelf]

PianoManGidley, yeah that would be nice I also don't believe in monogamy very much, but until the culture and society I live in has overcome that mentality I must adhere to their conventions.
I have experimented very little with monogamy (in the sense of long-term relationships with one partner) and I'm curious to discover what it really means, to go on trips, to do many things together, etc. with the same person for more than a year. I am actually attracted to the idea of getting married one day so I want to start training :P

Vasilisa, let me be honest and say that the attraction is not equal towards all.
The point is that according to my feeling one girl has worked really hard to get me and really looks more "devoted" to me, showed more concern etc. (since almost a year now) and according to my feelings and "emotional righteousness" she would deserve me more than the other girls.
I'm not more attracted to her but she says things that touch my compassion (the fact that a person is so extremely concerned about me for so much time is a pretty new experience for me...).
The other three are less "devoted" and I'm pretty sure that for the latest one I must also show more coming from my side...

The problem is that they all suddenly came to me at the same time; is it because it's spring-time here and their hormones are going havoc? :P

So... I'm in a real dilemma.

I like to love, but I don't like to make certain people (like the girl I just talked above) feel hurt or get angry with me.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Vasilisa

You will probably have to prove to her that you are worthy of dating her.

I cannot imagine proving myself in such a way - ever. If I have to prove myself to you, you are not worthy of me. I'm neither a prize nor a dragon slayer. I'm just me.

Originally Posted by YourSelf

I like to love, but I don't like to make certain people (like the girl I just talked above) feel hurt or get angry with me.

No matter how you choose or how good you are, you cannot make everyone happy. Best to focus on what makes you happy - and from the sound of it, you already know the answer to that.

Besides, the remaining three should be happy to see you find love. Joy for everyone

(unless you lead them all on in believing that they stand a chance of becoming your girlfriend, when in fact they don't - I can imagine them being a little pissed if that happens)

[YourSelf]

What makes me more happy would be the newer girl... but it might be an unrational choice... and I'd feel sorry for the older girl
...:-(
It's like a romantic tragedy... what if she physically hurts herself out of depression?
These are things I often think about...

[Vasilisa]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

I cannot imagine proving myself in such a way - ever. If I have to prove myself to you, you are not worthy of me. I'm neither a prize nor a dragon slayer. I'm just me.



)

Then why become so emotional?
It simply means you haven't been in love.
When we love we persive another person worthy of our effort and want to show that we will be good partners.
Especially men, it's in your nature. You enjoy a good chase, admit it or not.

[Vasilisa]

Originally Posted by YourSelf

What makes me more happy would be the newer girl... but it might be an unrational choice... and I'd feel sorry for the older girl
...:-(
It's like a romantic tragedy... what if she physically hurts herself out of depression?
These are things I often think about...

I think you should do what makes you happy.
And that other girl will definitely need your support.
"You become responsible forever for what you have tamed"

[Spartan]

YourSelf, you are not responsible for anyone elses happiness. So do what you want, there's no point living a life you resent.

Also, how old are you? I'm curious. And where did you meet all these admirers? I'm jealous.

[YourSelf]

Responsibility. I thought most people on this forum would say "Take responsibility" for any kind of thing (Brutha? ) and I kind of do feel very "righteous" towards her already.

Obviously "admirers" is an exaggeration (well, also stars often face hard dilemmas like "Ahh, I don't know, shall I choose Baby Spice or Alyssa Milano?" right? :P) and I hope you understood it from the inverted commas...

Nothing to be jealous about :P . I met them quite randomly: the concerned-like-a-wife girl was a new student at my former high school while I was doing some events to help them learn about university life, admissions, etc. (and well she was the most enthusiastic so I helped her a lot... that's why... we know each other well and I see her as a good friend whom I wouldn't like to loose), the one I like most is a classmate at my university whom I never even spoke to until a few weeks ago (and I've been having this "rule" when I was at school: never date anyone in your own class because if you break up you will see her everyday... that's one of my "contras" at the moment). The other two I met at an exhibition and an archery competition. I'm quite antique: 21.

[Vasilisa]

21 !!!
Lucky you are!!!
Enjoy your life to the fullest. It's nice to be young and popular with the girls. And being popular is not really a problem.
I remember I was 18 and cried at night because I had to turn down a good guy. I felt so bad!!! I thought something will happen to him if I say "no", but it all turned out just fine. He survived!

[Plato]

Prefferably these admirers are all bisexual. Glory times ensue.

[jaamkie]

ah from my own similar worries I would say if you're really not sure how to choose then try getting to know them both better being totally honest that you're seeing them both and trying to figure it out; for me I finally knew when one started getting antsy about wanting to be exclusive and I realized I really couldn't even imagine myself pushing away the other guy, couldn't choose the one that acted more like he wanted me and had to finally admit it to him (yet the other guy was always wonderful and respectful, just a more reserved gentle personality; expressiveness doesn't necessarily equate to depth of feeling)

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Vasilisa

Then why become so emotional?

I wasn't emotional, but quite level headed and calm when I wrote that.

It simply means you haven't been in love.

Do not make that presumption.

When we love we persive another person worthy of our effort and want to show that we will be good partners.

There is a difference between wanting to show someone what kind of partner you will be and the need for having to prove one's worth as a lover. The latter, in my opinion, stems from a lack of self-confidence. You'll say you must prove yourself to the other, but really you must prove to yourself that you are worthy of being someone's lover.

I have no doubts about being a worthy lover, hence also no need to prove myself.

Especially men, it's in your nature. You enjoy a good chase, admit it or not.

That is a gross generalization. No, I don't enjoy a good chase, not one bit. I find the whole cat and mouse game of "give a little, withdraw a little" to be moronic and women who like to draw the game out definitely do not have my fancy.

[Vasilisa]

To be a woman's lover don't you first have to impress her with the kind of person you are? All these seduction communities teach you the same - how to impress women. And if they are in such demand, it means that men want to chase women and impress them.
If you don't think so, you are either very attractive and women fall for you without any effort on your part (lucky you!) or are in denial (sorry for saying that).

[Angela]

This thread reminds me of Danger Man's favorite jokes:

A. Pick the one with the biggest breasts.

...but seriously folks. YourSelf, you seem to be operating under an assumption that you're supposed to be in a committed, loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR) and that you somehow owe it to these women (or maybe to yourself?) to "pick" one, otherwise you're not being fair or righteous.

But being in a LLTMBR is not the default or even the most desirable state. It's just one choice out of many. Like someone else mentioned, as long as you're not hinting or allowing any of the girls to believe that you are committed or heading that way, you are free to date openly and without apology or guilt. You're 21 for goodness sake! What a great time NOT to be in a LLTMBR! What a great time to be going out with lots of different people, exploring all kinds of different personalities and interactive styles, and opening up YourSelf to the beauty of all women and relationships in general.

When you're ready for a LLTMBR, you'll recognize that one woman in particular is so compelling for you that it's no contest. It's not a matter of picking one woman out of many. It's a matter of being present, and making choices that have you living a life you love.

And Vasilisa, Jim definitely falls into the "so attractive and wonderful that women fall for him without any effort on his part" category. I myself am head over heels about him without any effort on his part to impress me, just because of who he is, and I happen to know several other women who feel the same way about him! He's a chick magnet, and he doesn't need to prove himself to anyone.

Sorry to speak of you in the third person, Jim.

[Vasilisa]

Angela, I don't like to flatter people besides almost everybody tells you that, but you really can find right words for anybody. Every time I read your posts I'm getting more impressed with your personality.
And, yes, I looked at the Jim's picture, he is pretty good-looking and very young.

[Spartan]

Originally Posted by Vasilisa

To be a woman's lover don't you first have to impress her with the kind of person you are? All these seduction communities teach you the same - how to impress women. And if they are in such demand, it means that men want to chase women and impress them.
If you don't think so, you are either very attractive and women fall for you without any effort on your part (lucky you!) or are in denial (sorry for saying that).

Why the moronic and sexist comment?

You don't need to "impress her with the kind of person you are?". Most peope are quite capable of discerning what kind of person someone is by themselves! And trying to impress someone usually comes across as insincere.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Angela

And Vasilisa, Jim definitely falls into the "so attractive and wonderful that women fall for him without any effort on his part" category. I myself am head over heels about him without any effort on his part to impress me, just because of who he is, and I happen to know several other women who feel the same way about him! He's a chick magnet, and he doesn't need to prove himself to anyone.

Ahw, shucks, now you made me blush again....

I do think I need a bigger magnet to pull one of those 'other women' across the ocean. And a big bat, probably, to keep my local harem (ahem) at bay...

Sorry to speak of you in the third person, Jim.

I won't hold it against you

Originally Posted by Vasilisa

And, yes, I looked at the Jim's picture, he is pretty good-looking and very young.

Why thank you. I don't look my age, apparently, but who's complaining?

[Vasilisa]

Spartan, Why such a mean and judgemental reaction?
It seems that I touched some really sensitive area for you, guys.
I just said what I believe, what I experienced in my life and what I see around. If you believe in other things - I won't call you "sexist and moron". We just have different opinions.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

And a big bat...

Good heavens. All that, and a big bat, too?! Ai chihuahua.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Angela

Good heavens. All that, and a big bat, too?! Ai chihuahua.

lololol

Originally Posted by Angela

And Vasilisa, Jim definitely falls into the "so attractive and wonderful that women fall for him without any effort on his part" category. I myself am head over heels about him without any effort on his part to impress me, just because of who he is, and I happen to know several other women who feel the same way about him!

Yup, I'm one of them

Jim is back, and so is the "we love Jim" contingent...

[Spartan]

Originally Posted by Vasilisa

Spartan, Why such a mean and judgemental reaction?
It seems that I touched some really sensitive area for you, guys.
I just said what I believe, what I experienced in my life and what I see around. If you believe in other things - I won't call you "sexist and moron". We just have different opinions.

Fair enough, but if you're going to generalize based on sex and state what men should do (which is sexist btw), at least say 'in my opinion' men should... blah blah blah.

Also, you were the one who claimed Jim was "in denial", just because he didn't agree with you. Then you criticize me, implying I don't respect your opinion? Is that not double standards?

Nothing personal btw, I'm sure you mean well.

[jaamkie]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

lololol


Yup, I'm one of them

Jim is back, and so is the "we love Jim" contingent...

ah hilarious... before any guys here start getting too jealous of the Jim fanclub I have to admit I'm not in it- women really do have differing tastes! (No offense to you Jim really, I do respect you and your opinions, just somehow they drive me crazy!) I am very grateful he is who he is and that he's here because every time I get annoyed reading his posts I learn something about myself, my own assumptions and biases.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by jaamkie

ah hilarious... before any guys here start getting too jealous of the Jim fanclub I have to admit I'm not in it- women really do have differing tastes! (No offense to you Jim really, I do respect you and your opinions, just somehow they drive me crazy!) I am very grateful he is who he is and that he's here because every time I get annoyed reading his posts I learn something about myself, my own assumptions and biases.

Lol. No offense taken... I'll gladly keep on driving you crazy with my opinions

(I would be interested in learning why my opinions have that effect on you - if you're up for it)

[YourSelf]

@Vasilia
"And being popular is not really a problem."
I'm not sure that I'm "popular"; but I know that when girls think you are popular it's hard to have a LLTMBR with them, since they often start thinking that you have many other secret girlfriends, and similar jealous thoughts... unless she enters into a relationship with me out of mere personal ego and pride.

@jaamkie
"expressiveness doesn't necessarily equate to depth of feeling"
This seems like a nice wisdom quote, but... I'm not sure:
How else can you understand whether there is any depth of feeling?

@Angela
Angela, I'm from continental Europe and I feel there's a large difference in the way we explore life. From what I gathered, my Anglophone counterparts start "sewing the wild oats" in college and university, around 19-25, whereas most of the people in my microcosm did so around middle school and ending in high school (14-19) and normally become like meditating monks at university.
Yes, we also have many parties at university, but generally that's for those... who didn't have fun previously perhaps :P I'm not entirely sure, just guessing.
I have friends who didn't go to university who married at 19 or 20. I don't know whether those marriages will last long but for the moment they seem to go pretty well.

But what I know for sure is that I haven't really had a long LLTMBR yet (my longest was perhaps 4-5 months) and I would like to try. I don't feel compelled or forced to do so, but I merely want to experiment something new.

I'm fed up with changing all the time and meeting new girls (not even rich-white-conservative girls), want to try something steady for a change - and I also would like to commit myself to upholding such a relationship.

Just a try, nothing compulsory

[jaamkie]

ah that was maybe a personal thought from dating two guys with very different styles of showing their affection, the one very open and affectionate and the other very reserved/respectful; maybe I was reacting to you saying that the one girl seems more attached and therefore somehow deserves you more than the other one- what I should actually say is that there IS no way of really knowing what someone else is actually feeling, we can only react to their actions, and I think you're making a bit of an assumption to say because the one acts more attached that she really feels more deeply toward you, and another big leap to go from thinking someone loves you to that they DESERVE your love/commitment in return- maybe it just sounds to me like you're trying to convince yourself to be with one when intuitively you believe you should be with the other. I think our intuition does a better job of accurately imagining other's true emotions/motivations and sometimes there's no way to rationalize why we prefer one person over another, but I really think you need to spend time with them both until the "newness factor" wears off a bit, and really try to listen to your intuition about who, if anyone, you should commit to.