this is what happens when you don't listen.

[Faye]

my name is faye, and i have been in a two year long relationship - the first very serious one that i have ever had. i am very much in love and want more than anything to make my boyfriend happy.

in the beginning he told me that he is polyamorous but that he is not seeing anyone else right now, and it is my mistake that i did not take it more seriously at the time -- it was really stupid of me. there was never any really deep conversation about it, and at the beginning we were just getting to know each other. after a year and a half of it being just the two of us, i saw things as just that.

i have never met anyone like that before, and i have read a lot of things to try and understand it better. i thought maybe if i gained more understanding then i would not be so hurt now.

it is only recently that he has started indulging in that side of himself with another girl. i want him to be happy and i do not want to be a trap for him. he said it's like a trap if it is with only me. he does not spend as much time with me as he did for so long, though he says that he wants to be with me forever and that he loves me just as deeply. he says that i make him happy and that he needs me for his happiness.

i am trying very hard to be at peace and accept these things. i would like it if i could really embrace his dream and help make it come true. the truth is that i could do it but it's not in my heart, no matter how much i read and understand and accept. i feel like a bad person because i am so hurt and he says that he just wants to love.

the thing that i find myself imagining the most is three people lying in bed together at night. i imagine him rolling over with his back to me and putting his arms around another woman and falling asleep. i stare at his back.

i understand that it can be natural to be attracted to other people, and i am not a very jealous person. i won't pretend and say that nothing can make me jealous, but it really is not about that, i don't think. i do not want or need more than one sexual partner. i'm not bisexual. i have found other men attractive and charming and can appreciate their qualities and have good friendships, but i do not feel myself as being restricted. on the contrary, i am proud and happy to devote my heart to one special person -- to let him know that he is that important to me because he is.

i have tried to become friends with the girl that he is with. she is a lot different than me, and i do think that she is fascinating and wonderful. still, she does not initiate conversation with me or say 'what about you?' when i ask her things. i do not ask things specifically to hear that, but i do notice when i'm trying and someone else is not. she is not someone i am easily close to at all and not someone who, under normal circumstances, i would choose to have as a close friend .. although i can and do appreciate her.

anyway, i know that this is a lot of blabbering.

the things i am struggling with are very confusing for me. i do not feel ready to make the decisions that i am faced with.

1) do i look at the facts and emotions that i have in front of me and protect us from further pain right now? if i am hurting, then i will hurt him -- and this is the opposite of what i ever want.

2) he wants me to 'stick with it and see what happens'. maybe it will not work out with this other girl. maybe it will just be the two of us again for another couple of years before this happens again or doesn't happen at all. live for the moment and then when/if it hurts TOO MUCH, then go.

i do believe that it's important to live life to the fullest, but i feel kind of like saying that, in this case, is kind of like saying that you should get in an airplane that's programmed to have an 80% chance to crash so that you can enjoy the ride while you're in the air.

my biggest fear is that my negativity is making it about ultimatums. i really am trying very hard to *see* this so that perhaps i can embrace his dream as he does, but i know that it is not healthy to simply 'endure' something.

[Angela]

Two things jumped out at me from your post. (Welcome, by the way!)

First, he wants you to 'stick with it and see what happens' and he knows that you are hurting in this situation. Your well-being is way, way, way down his list of priorities.

Second, he says you make him happy and he needs you for his happiness. This is not a man who takes 100% responsibility for his life.

He is who he is. If you stay in this relationship the way it is, you are in a relationship with a man to whom your well-being is not a priority, and who doesn't take 100% responsibility for his life. Regardless of his polyamory or the state of his relationship with the Gamble Girl, is this the kind of partner you want to be with? The answer may be yes or it may be no, but the important thing is: the choice is all yours.

[Spartan]

This is your life not his. You are not responsible for his happiness.

[sheffy4]

I have learned that two people who want to live life in very different ways cannot have a successful relationship.
You want to live a life in which you devote yourself to one intimate relationship.
He wants to live a life in which he is free to participate in many intimate relationships at once.

It sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into being ok with this situation when you are really not ok, and you will never be ok.

he wants me to 'stick with it and see what happens'. maybe it will not work out with this other girl. maybe it will just be the two of us again for another couple of years before this happens again or doesn't happen at all. live for the moment and then when/if it hurts TOO MUCH, then go.

Don't look to the future and hope for something that may never happen. If you are not happy now, you will not be happy then.

[Vasilisa]

Faye, it might be really painful for you but I think at this point you have to keep your dignity and walk out of the relationship. If you don't do it now, you will have more misery and struggle and your relationship will end eventually anyway.
Why he needs you in his life? The answer is very simple. He feels very important when two women are in love with him, fighting over him, being jealous of each other. Without one of you two it wouldn't be the same.
It gives him high of adventure, of something risky in his life.
But there is nothing about You in his feelings. It' about his Narcissistic self.
Plus, it might be very serious relationship for you, but obviously not for him. If he was afraid to loose you he wouldn't hurt you that way.

Agreeing on that you are losing more and more value in his eyes. Instead of appreciation for understanding and patience he will look at you as at something with no value, no respect for yourself and no independence.

If you want to win in the situation you have to give him a choice - either it's only two of you or you are out.
If he doesnt' agree then he doesn't love you and need you enough and it wouldn't work out any way.

[uberinquisitive]

You already know the "right" choice for you. But - you're afraid to take it.

Why? You claim it's out of love for him, and I believe you. I believe you truly love this guy - you're not trying to change him. But the real question is: do you love yourself? Because you're trying to change yourself.

Ultimate question: if you don't love yourself, then is what you give to him really love? Or is it just fear, clinging, and neediness?

[Faye]

Originally Posted by Vasilisa

Faye, it might be really painful for you but I think at this point you have to keep your dignity and walk out of the relationship. If you don't do it now, you will have more misery and struggle and your relationship will end eventually anyway.
Why he needs you in his life? The answer is very simple. He feels very important when two women are in love with him, fighting over him, being jealous of each other. Without one of you two it wouldn't be the same.
It gives him high of adventure, of something risky in his life.
But there is nothing about You in his feelings. It' about his Narcissistic self.
Plus, it might be very serious relationship for you, but obviously not for him. If he was afraid to loose you he wouldn't hurt you that way.

Agreeing on that you are losing more and more value in his eyes. Instead of appreciation for understanding and patience he will look at you as at something with no value, no respect for yourself and no independence.

If you want to win in the situation you have to give him a choice - either it's only two of you or you are out.
If he doesnt' agree then he doesn't love you and need you enough and it wouldn't work out any way.

i truly hope that this is not the way that he sees things. it's hard for me to believe that he does or could see me or any of this in such a cruel way. i believe that some people may function in this manner, but i do believe that he cares about my feelings and loves me and values me.

if he is a person who needs more than one person to be fullfilled, that means i can't fullfill him by myself -- that in itself is very hurtful to me. the thought of 'not being enough'. it is true that i am not very confident, and it is something that i work on -- but that idea all in and of itself is striking out at my lack of confidence even more. it makes me wonder if i can't handle this because of my lack of confidence? because i need to feel important?

that doesn't mean that he doesn't love me, i don't think. his eyes look like he loves me. i never had anyone to look at me this way.

i hope that this is all not as cruel as you say, but i will think about it.

[Faye]

Originally Posted by sheffy4

I have learned that two people who want to live life in very different ways cannot have a successful relationship.
You want to live a life in which you devote yourself to one intimate relationship.
He wants to live a life in which he is free to participate in many intimate relationships at once.

It sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into being ok with this situation when you are really not ok, and you will never be ok.



Don't look to the future and hope for something that may never happen. If you are not happy now, you will not be happy then.

the future is filled with things that may or may not ever happen. the problem is exactly how inevitable this is -- it's so inevitable that it is, in fact, happening and will happen again, even if this doesn't work.

i guess i am worried that it's some kind of wrong way of thinking in my head. that's where feelings come from right? from your experiences and how you are taught and things like that. your life. i figured that if i could alter my way of thinking truly -- truly come to see things in a different light .. maybe .. maybe something would be possible.. something could work where everyone can be happy.

i know it might seem like i am trying to 'change myself' -- but i feel more like i am trying to 'see the light' than anything, you know? it's like he has some kind of clarity that i don't have about something.

but yes, you're right. i do not want to delude myself or continue this with a secret wish that his other relationships just 'won't work out'. that would make me destructive toward him, and i do not want to impede his desides at all .

[Faye]

Originally Posted by Spartan

This is your life not his. You are not responsible for his happiness.

right now we have a life together, and while i may not be responsible for his ultimate happiness, i can not think of a better use of my time than to help him build his happiness .. .. so long as it doesn't destroy mine.

[Faye]

Originally Posted by Angela

Two things jumped out at me from your post. (Welcome, by the way!)

First, he wants you to 'stick with it and see what happens' and he knows that you are hurting in this situation. Your well-being is way, way, way down his list of priorities.

Second, he says you make him happy and he needs you for his happiness. This is not a man who takes 100% responsibility for his life.

He is who he is. If you stay in this relationship the way it is, you are in a relationship with a man to whom your well-being is not a priority, and who doesn't take 100% responsibility for his life. Regardless of his polyamory or the state of his relationship with the Gamble Girl, is this the kind of partner you want to be with? The answer may be yes or it may be no, but the important thing is: the choice is all yours.

thank you, Angela, for the very nice welcome. i guess i should have said hello in the hello place first.

i understand what you are saying about what kind of partner he is, but the fact of the matter is that i have put him in a bad situation. he was responsible in the first place by telling me what he believed in, and that also tells me that he does care about my well-being .. right? he did not want to pursue relationships with people to hurt people. he wants everyone to be happy too. i have put him at a disadvantage because he allowed himself to fall in love with me believing that it would be okay, and now he is as confused as i am.

i am very non-confrontational and this is the first time that i have really spoken my mind about something that is truly emotionally hurtful to me -- because he has a very bad temper that scares me and makes it hard to talk if i do.

i know that none of this really matters and that all that really matters is the choice itself, regardless of how it came about. what i have are the feelings in front of me and inside of me.

thank you for talking to me, i know it seems like i already know what i should do -- but the truth is that i am far from taking action and i am trying to reenforce the things that i already know with support from people who seem to be very courteous and honest.

[JimOfferman]

Hey Faye,

Welcome to the forum. I was reading the posts here and this one line jumped off the paper for me:

Originally Posted by Faye

because he has a very bad temper that scares me and makes it hard to talk if i do.

This does not a good relationship make!

The whole polyamory thing isn't even relevant. You should simply never have to be afraid of your partner! He may rain on your parade every now and then (nobody is perfect), but that's it.

If you fear his temper, do what is best for you and bow out of this relationship with love sooner rather than later (when things get ugly).

[Faye]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Hey Faye,

Welcome to the forum. I was reading the posts here and this one line jumped off the paper for me:



This does not a good relationship make!

The whole polyamory thing isn't even relevant. You should simply never have to be afraid of your partner! He may rain on your parade every now and then (nobody is perfect), but that's it.

If you fear his temper, do what is best for you and bow out of this relationship with love sooner rather than later (when things get ugly).

JimOfferman!!! thank you so much for the welcome. it is nice to talk to you.

ack! it is just that i am rather skittish. i don't like to make anyone angry, especially him. it is really difficult for me to ever be angry and when he is mad he says the most awful things. i think that is normal though, right? some people just have a bad temper. sometimes i wish i were the fiery sort of person who can stand up to things like that, but when i think about it, it probably would just make it even worse.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Faye

JimOfferman!!! thank you so much for the welcome. it is nice to talk to you.

Likewise

ack! it is just that i am rather skittish. i don't like to make anyone angry, especially him. it is really difficult for me to ever be angry and when he is mad he says the most awful things. i think that is normal though, right? some people just have a bad temper. sometimes i wish i were the fiery sort of person who can stand up to things like that, but when i think about it, it probably would just make it even worse.

I don't like making people angry either, but I know it can't always be avoided - just as I can't always put a lid on my own anger.

Bad tempers may appear to be the norm, but they are not in fact normal. A bad temper is just an excuse that someone uses to avoid taking responsibility for his (or her) feelings. It's taking an emotional dump on your partner or friend and then leaving them to sort out the crap. But sorting out the crap is your own responsibility, not theirs.

It is also your own responsibility to stand up against being dumped on. If you don't do that, you are basically telling everyone that it is just fine to crap on you - so that is exactly what they will do.

Standing up for yourself makes things better, not worse.