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Welcome to the Personal Development for Smart People Forums, the place for lively, intelligent discussion of all personal growth issues -- physical, mental, financial, social, emotional, spiritual, and more. You're currently viewing as a guest, which gives you limited read-only access. By joining our free community, you'll be able to post your own messages, access many members-only features, see the new messages posted since your last visit, and of course remove this header message. Registration is fast, simple, and free, so please join today. If you arrived here from a search engine, you may want to explore the main site first, which includes hundreds of deep and insightful articles on a variety of personal development topics. |
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04-23-2008, 08:04 AM
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i guess i have always looked at it like .. if it makes him feel better then i should inwardly handle it or deal with it or whatever. i wish that he would do as you say and take control of himself in that manner, but at the same time i would not want him to fail to express his true feelings to me. but you know -- i know there are better ways of doing that. gentler ways. sometimes it seems like there is no brain -- just a huge flame burning between his ears, and during that span of time, he has to hurt everything that he comes in contact with. i wish that i could help it not to be like that.      |
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04-23-2008, 12:33 PM
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Next time his flame comes out, kindly tell me that you cannot discuss any issue while he is in that state and that you will be happy to talk about what is bothering him once he has calmed down. I suggest that you also leave the room after that, to give him a chance to cool. Be true to your word and discuss the issue once his flame has worn out. (Another thing that works well for me is not raising my voice when someone tries to argue by raising theirs - this subtly forces the other to talk through the issue at hand, rather than turn the discussion into a shouting match) Good luck! |
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04-23-2008, 12:59 PM
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dear, JimOfferman.. thank you for replying to me again.. thankfully i have no problems with not raising my voice. it's not really something that i am compelled to do, otherwise i would be in a lot of trouble. on the contrary, i am very apologetic. i wish that i could say your advice would work in this particular case. if i were to leave the room or tell him please not to raise his voice-- if i were to do that, i already know what would happen. i swear i am not being defeatist or refusing to help myself. i am in a very bad place and i have to do something. thank you for advice on the temper thing. if things were normal then i know exactly how valuable that would be, but my wishing that i could be helpful really is just wishful thinking. i feed the flame by existing. i dearly apologise if that is frustrating or if i am worrisome after putting thought into your replies. i really am not saying that it's useless. it's not at all. it's just .. harder than that. not harder as in i do not have the willpower -- harder as in .. it will not work how you think. thank you again very much, JimOfferman, and for the goodluck. i need that so much. |
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04-23-2008, 01:06 PM
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{{{{Yellow}}}}! hello and nice to meet you. i have done so good with keeping my replies in order, so i am sorry if it seemed like i overlooked your post.  let me assure you that the neglect was not due to any shortcomings of yours. thank you so much for this thoughtfulness, and it is interesting to know that i may have a kindred spirit in the world. i hope yellow is your favourite colour or song and not some subtle self-namecalling! i think it's a very pretty colour.i'm sorry that you've been angry at yourself lately over those things. i know how frustrating it can be and how selfish it can make you feel. it is really heartening to me that you were able to start pushing yourself forward and standing up for yourself. is it as bad as you imagined that it would be? lots of second-guessing? |
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04-23-2008, 01:12 PM
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strong Vasilisa, if you are comfortable with that, i would like that very much -- but only if you are. thank you so much for taking the time to care at all. ~faye |
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04-23-2008, 01:32 PM
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However, as a former responsibility avoiding drone, I can tell you this: taking full responsibility also leads to a life that is infinitely more gratifying than just being along for the ride. It is your choice. |
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04-23-2008, 02:17 PM
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Jim Offerman, at risk of sounding really weird, i sat here for a long while and stared at the very last four words of your post for quite a while until my eyes strayed down to your music link. so then i clicked on it and went there and listened to the very top song. it feels like the exact opposite of that happened to me. i woke up one day and everything had changed, but it was me. and it was not good. i know that i can not simply wait to wake up and for everything to change back or change for the better. if i want to have that waking moment like in that song and for everything to be a wonderful adventure .. well, it won't just happen on its own. i know. saying it is one thing, doing it is another. people always say they want to do things and they don't follow through. if i don't follow through, if i don't make it better, i am going to end up some dead-eyed, hollow husk of a brainless thing that can not even rightfully be called a woman. i wish that i could scream on the outside the way that i am on the inside. you're right, this isn't even really about the palygomy or whatever. it was a trigger to this line of thinking that i am having right now and it brought me here. maybe it really is just an excuse. it's really about me there are so many things i want to do and to be. he says no. i have always accepted that as fact and allowed it to be this way. no means no. but i am allowing for no to mean no. maybe he can say no and i can say yes. it won't work between us like that, i know that it won't. i am really terrified the more i think about it, because i don't know where i can go. i am not in a good position and the more i think about this the more sick i am. i don't even want to be touched for fear of all of these thoughts being wiped away by some false haze of care that maybe really isn't even there. anyway, i know i am spewing this all over the place and talking so much. i am really distressed more and more, but i have to just do what i have to do for me. hurting everyone and everything in the process is inevitable |
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04-23-2008, 02:26 PM
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| Good Luck Faye!!! Quote:
 Good people deserve good things, you're a good person, you need to believe you deserve good things, the best things in life! If you want the best person in your life to share a relationship with, be the best for yourself first, set high standards for yourself. If your partner wants to keep you and keep up with you, he'll do what he has to do to keep you and that means dropping his polyamorous ways. Again... GOOD LUCK!!! |
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04-23-2008, 04:17 PM
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| Dear Faye, Thanks for listening to my music. I'm sorry to hear that your 'waking round in the new me' wasn't quite the pleasurable experience I envisioned when I wrote that song (How Can It Be). Perhaps what you are feeling right now is more akin to The Abyss: Quote:
I still carry a burden from that time, but it grows lighter every year and I emerged stronger, better and happier than I was before. Growth is not without pain, unfortunately, and what you are experiencing now are the very first signs of growth - the intense displeasure with your current situation and a growing desire to make a change. Feel free to vent here whenever you need to, ask for help, etc. The road is hard and trying, but we'll all be here to help you every step of the way. Once again: good luck! love, Jim. |
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04-24-2008, 12:26 AM
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this is my deep breath before the plunge. i work tonight and then i will not be online again to read everything for many days. i am trying my best to soak it all up, because i am about to have to face many things. words are as powerful as you allow them to be. you don't know how much it means to me. thanks for the support, Rob, because it really does mean something. ~faye |
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04-24-2008, 12:49 AM
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JimOfferman, no need to thank me for listening to your music. it is exactly what i need to hear right at this moment. it is very soothing and uplifting to me, and now my favourites are like superman and hold onto your dreams (although it's not very easy picking favourites with all these directions). i hope that you will never stop making your music. it's powerful and heartfelt, and i can hear how much you love it. you have a clear voice and music that moves forward -- that makes me feel like i am moving forward. it's like fuel. not gasoline, though. people are too angry about that. it's more like the sun helping things to grow. anyway, i know i talk a lot, but i am saying this because i hope that you will never ever stop. there are so many emotional ups and downs to being an artist, and i am grateful that your positivity and hope shines through even the art itself. ~faye~ |
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04-24-2008, 06:54 AM
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That's just beautiful - thank you so much! Rest assured, I will never stop making music love, Jim. ps: I hope you don't mind that I posted a quote from you on my blog - as a treasured reminder Last edited by JimOfferman : 04-24-2008 at 07:07 AM. |
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04-24-2008, 12:34 PM
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| Hi Faye, I have just read through all the posts in this thread and I would like to share my sympathy and some of my thoughts with you. About a year ago I have realized a great change emerging in me. Similarly to your case it wasn't at all pleasurable at the time and it brought me to the edge of depression and anxiety. As Jim said - going through a personal change is very hard - but now, a year later, I see it as a blessing, because my eyes are open for many things in my life that were "wrong". This experience allowed me to realize that I must take full responsibility for my actions and that there were many things I wasn't satisfied with, yet systematically ignoring because it's easier to. This is especially important when it comes to relationships. Many times in these forums it has been said that relationships, even the "bad" ones, are great opportunities for growth and I couldn't agree more. By learning to love ourselves, respect our needs and take responsibility, we gain a whole new perspective on our relationships. We must keep in mind that we represent 50% of our relationship - and that's a lot. Believe me I have been amazed more than once with the effect of simply a different approach in communication. You say you know how he would respond to certain things you'd say to him, but in fact you don't. It's only a presumption. The only thing you can do is try and see what happens - whatever the result, you'll have a little more information about weather this partner suits you or not. The key is open communication and being aware of the information you receive. Please remember that I am not in your shoes and only you have the power to lead your life to where you want it to go, but I hope I can help a bit by sharing this with you. Best of luck, Danijel |
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04-30-2008, 03:19 AM
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awww, i don't mind at all, haha. i've been quoted. how fancy! |
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04-30-2008, 03:43 AM
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thank you for sharing those experiences of emotion with me. it means a lot to me that there are others out there who go through the same feelings or have gone through the same feelings. please forgive the misunderstanding, though. when i said that i knew how he would react -- i meant it specifically toward what was suggested, because it was something that i had done before. so i meant that i had tried it and the reaction was not favourable. i do understand what you mean, though, and if i were so presumptuous then it would indeed be a grievous error. but i've decided not to try and fix us anymore, regardless of my love. now i just need the courage to do what needs to be done and the more i think the more i seem to think my way out of it. i am thinking that i will have to pack up my things while he is not there and leave when he is not there -- and tell him once i am safely away. this may sound very cruel but i am afraid it might be the only way i'll be able to follow through. ~faye |
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04-30-2008, 06:10 AM
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04-30-2008, 10:42 AM
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| Dear Faye, I read through all the posts and I just want to give you a bit of support. I can tell from what you wrote that you seem to be a very sensitive, kind and lovely person. Unfortunately, the way you describe your boyfriend, he doesn't seem nice at all, but very manipulative, controlling, selfish, uncaring: not the type of person that deserves your love. Again, this is my perception from what you wrote and how you wrote. Someone else would feel glad and blessed to have you to love him and care so much about his happiness. There is someone out there who will make you feel loved and valuable, just because you are you, who won't make demands on you to go to the gym or so on. Some people brandish polyamoury as a "get out of jail" card, so they can get out of a relationship without caring about the person they are in a relationship with. It takes a very mature, responsible, loving person to make polyamoury work, so that everyone is happy. I understand your wish to be "open" and cool about it, but if it is not in your nature to be with many different persons at the same time and feel o.k to have your boyfriend sleeping with other people, than there is a lot of misery at the end of the tunnel. You can wrap your brain around things, and intellectually understand them, but it is hard to wrap your heart around something that is not part of your core values and beliefs. Just my 2 cents. |
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