Are girlfriends/boyfriends necessary?

[Radical]

I have never had a girlfriend so I don't know what it's like; but do you think it is necessary to have a girlfriend/boyfriend, in order to live a happy and fulfilled life?

[kthdsn]

Absolutely not. It's much more important to love yourself than it is for someone else to love you.

I was just as happy in the time I was single as I am now that I'm married.

[Markus74]

I really hope you will get a girlfriend soon. Even if the relationship doesn't last forever you will be able to share something that's impossible to experience alone.

And although you can be more or less happy as a single (and unhappy as a couple), I do not think that humans are made to be alone.

[Michelle]

"Necessary" is the old fashioned view of two halves coming together to make a whole. Thank goodness we have progressed far enough to realize it is about two whole people who make a choice to come together in love. The absence of one person still leaves one whole person remaining.

Thank goodness.

[kthdsn]

I think it's wrong to assume that you can either have a partner or be alone. There are so many other forms of relationship that can add value to your life. If you were completely isolated then yeah your life might be a bit crap. As long as there are people you care about, there is no reason why you can't be perfectly happy without a romantic partner.

[Radical]

I ask this question, because my brother (who is younger than me) has a girlfriend, and I just can't help but feel like I have missed out on something, because I'm 19 now. Anyway, I have fancied girls, (I am not gay) I just never asked them out. The reason for this I think is because I thought I wasn't good enough for them or something, which I realise is a limiting belief, but it has stopped me from ever having a girlfriend.

[Markus74]

Don't get freaked out. 19 is still fairly young.

And yes, you need to have a better opinion of yourself. You don't like people who don't like themselves neither, do you?

[kthdsn]

I think if you doubt yourself, then a relationship won't make you happy. Deal with your self doubt first. Focus on your good points. Chat to some girls, build your confidence. I know it's not as easy at it sounds, I felt how you described too. Instead of trying to repair my confidence, I got with a guy who made my life hell, just for those few moments when he made me feel like someone cared about me. It wasn't worth it at all. Find your confidence, then you will be in a position to find a relationship.

[Radical]

Originally Posted by Markus74

And yes, you need to have a better opinion of yourself. You don't like people who don't like themselves neither, do you?

Actually, I don't judge people by their level of self-esteem or confidence. I try and treat all people equally, regardless of their mental state.

[Markus74]

Originally Posted by Radical

Actually, I don't judge people by their level of self-esteem or confidence. I try and treat all people equally, regardless of their mental state.

I was speaking of people that you would find interesting or attractive, on a romantical level.

I imagine you don't treat every one in that perspective, do you?

[Angela]

Radical, if you think you're not good enough, you're sure to find a woman who agrees with you and treats you accordingly!

When you hear that limiting little voice speak, acknowledge it, let it go, and ask out the hot babe!

[Radical]

Originally Posted by Markus74

I was speaking of people that you would find interesting or attractive, on a romantical level.

I imagine you don't treat every one in that perspective, do you?

No, I don't treat everyone as a potential mate/partner, although I can't help but think of some people I meet in that way.

Anyway, a girl having low self-esteem or confidence wouldn't really bother me. In fact, I don't like the brash kind.

[Radical]

Originally Posted by Angela

Radical, if you think you're not good enough, you're sure to find a woman who agrees with you and treats you accordingly!

When you hear that limiting little voice speak, acknowledge it, let it go, and ask out the hot babe!

I try to ignore it, but now it says you have wasted your youth being too pathetic to ask out a girl.

Anyway, I realise now that I had many opportunities to have a girlfriend, and I even think some girls may have liked me, however I was too insecure to ask them out.

I think part of the problem may be that I've been mollycoddled by my parents for most of my life.

[Angela]

Don't worry, at 19 you've still got plenty of youth left to waste.

You realize that little voice is not telling you The Truth, right? It will never stop manipulating you as long as you keep believing it. Try kicking it to the curb. Really, take away its power. Invent your own little voice, one that says empowering things, like: you have all kinds of love to give. Women LOVE that!

[Scorpio]

I dated a few times, but never had a 'real' girlfriend until my early twenties. You've got lots of time. It's one of those things were it doesn't matter when you start, once you've done it you've done it.

And yeah I'd say it was necessary. To say it isn't (especially from an inexperienced person) is just overthinking things on an abstract level.

[Radical]

Ok, I have some questions:

Would girls rather you tell them that you like them even though you have hardly ever spoken to them, or would they prefer you to make friends first?

Can girls usually tell if someone likes them? And will they usually wait for the guy to approach first?

Even if the girl doesn't like the guy, would she prefer to know how he feels?

Also, I think I know a way to erase the fear of rejection. Just think that you are making that person feel better about themselves, so even if they turn you down, at least you brightened up their day a bit, maybe?

[Erin Pavlina]

See a relationship with a girl as a chance to share a part of yourself and learn about another person at the same time. See it as an opportunity to have fun and enjoy life from a different perspective (as one member of a couple).

My recommendation is to find a girl that shares some of your interests and have fun exploring those interests together. There can be a lot of joy in even watching movies together, or playing video games, or taking walks together and discussing life.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Radical

Would girls rather you tell them that you like them even though you have hardly ever spoken to them, or would they prefer you to make friends first?

If you've hardly spoken with her, on what basis have you decided you like her? Pay her the compliment of establishing a connection first.

Originally Posted by Radical

Can girls usually tell if someone likes them? And will they usually wait for the guy to approach first?

Alway. Usually. Except for the exotic rare bird, whom you should always respond favorably to.

Originally Posted by Radical

Even if the girl doesn't like the guy, would she prefer to know how he feels?

Nope.

[Angela]

Remember that the best first dates are ones that get your adrenaline pumping in some way. Your date will associate you with the excitement she's experiencing. And make sure you plan it! As opposed to asking, "what would you like to do?", say, "I'd like to take you indoor rock climbing". (then have a nice place in mind for a snack after.)

[Radical]

Originally Posted by Angela

If you've hardly spoken with her, on what basis have you decided you like her? Pay her the compliment of establishing a connection first.

I mean you know them because you're in the same class or something. The connection is established because you make eye contact etc, but you havn't actually spoken to them outside of class.

[Angela]

I see. You might walk resolutely up to her, put your hand out to shake hers, and say "I'm {Radical Guy}. You seem like an interesting person and I'd like to get you know. Would you have a coffee at Snooky's with me today at 4pm?"

Establishing a certain time and place is important -- never say "sometime". Coffee's good; you can both escape easily if it doesn't go too well. It's also good if you can tell her why she's interesting; perhaps she said something that struck you or something you'd like to hear more about.

[Radical]

Originally Posted by Angela

It's also good if you can tell her why she's interesting; perhaps she said something that struck you or something you'd like to hear more about.

Hmm... why would she be so ungrateful? She should be thankful that I bothered to ask her out at all, lol.

[Angela]

I know. The harlot. Come to California; they'll eat you and your accent up.

[Radical]

Originally Posted by Angela

Come to California; they'll eat you and your accent up.

Oh, well maybe instead of a coffee I should ask her out for a nice cup of tea?

"You’re looking positively ravishing in that bikini; very spiffy. Fancy a nice cup of tea? Yeah baby!"

[Lucinda]

Relationships just distract me from my goals... I always end up dissapointed and hurt in the end anyway... I think it's like this- You eat cake and pizza all the time, and at the time it's a lot of fun!! But then eventually you realize that your health has gone down the drain and you feel like sh*t. Then you wonder whether it was really worth it.

Haha... I don't know... Maybe I have some issues in this area.

[Hsiang-Lin]

Hey Radical,

I went through a similar stage where I was beginning to question whether I should have a girlfriend. And wouldn't you know it, as soon I mentioned it to my friends I was flooded with the "you need a girlfriend" mentality.

First, let me second all those who said you don't need a girlfriend in life to make you happy. But the best way to find out is to see it for yourself.

I was so confused during that time that I didn't know what the root of my problem was. "Is it really because I don't have a girlfriend? How come I was so happy and motivated before I started thinking so much about this?"

After months of socializing and still not having a girlfriend, I decided to cut to the chase and figure out what was REALLY my problem. Did I really just want a girlfriend or have I always been too afraid to face my fear of rejection/public embarassment?

I needed to see for myself. So I went out on campus and asked out six random girls on the street. Well, the results were unsuprising lol. That conquered my fear of public embarassment and I felt my consciousness raise to a whole different level. That was a sign for me that it wasn't the fact that I didn't have a girlfriend, but my fear that was holding me back. But that's not the end of it.

I still felt something was missing. That fear was diminished, but I wasn't satisfied. It was then it hit me that I needed to go even further: ask out my neighbor.

Ever heard the saying, "Don't eat where you ************?" I was sick of repeating that limiting belief in my head. I wanted to be free and I had a gut feeling that that belief was only holding me down.

So what did I do? I asked out my neighbor. Lol, she's next door right now. Am I still alive? Yes. Did anything terrible happen? Well, I felt sick to my stomach moments before phoning her. How do I feel now? Free. And we are still cool when we see each other. (although she prob. still thinks I'm a bit weird lol)

After finally overcoming that limiting belief, I now have so much more mental energy to tackle other things in my life. Some people go in the girlfriend-searching journey and end up with a girlfriend. My path did not end this way. But I feel so much better than before and have no regrets. I'm not saying I won't eventually find one. I'm not saying to follow my path. But keep an open mind and allow yourself to experience life without skipping to premature judgments. You might just surprise yourself at how you grow at the end

[belugagirl]

Radical, asking someone out is always a risk. However, in most cases what you stand to lose is tiny compared to what you stand to gain. The fear is natural, but it's also from habit. If you can force yourself to start practicing taking the risk of expressing interest in a girl, then--whatever the results of this practice, whether it's a few interesting dates, an actual relationship, or a handful of rejections--you'll be better prepared to take that risk when there's someone that you Really fancy, and then that one won't get away just because you couldn't get yourself to ask her out.

Risks: embarassment, hurt of rejection, ego damage

Potential gains: making someone's day, making your day, being proud of yourself for having had the guts to say what you feel, being accepted, looking forward to a date, having a date, getting to know a great and interesting person, being made to feel like a great and interesting person, butterflies, first kiss, second kiss, companionship, conversation, maybe even . . . love? love that lasts, or love that just lasts a while.

If you put the risks and potential gains in a balance, see which one wins.

Also, a hint about girls: confidence (not cockiness, just self-assuredness) puts people at ease and is very attractive (well, not just to girls, but to most people, I think). So . . . fake it (confidence) until you feel it. And about that first date . . . a thoughtful surprise makes a great impression. It could be in the planning of a date, such as taking her to someplace that you know she would be interested in. Is she an animal lover? How about an afternoon at the zoo? Is she an art lover? Any museums near you? Movies are a good standby, but how about a local theater production? If you meet someplace regular, like for coffee or in a restaurant (and this is smart, to meet in a very public place for the first time), bring something with you that picks up on a previous conversation. Maybe you'll bring her that book you were talking about with her after class. Or the url of that website you told her about where you read that article about _____________. Or a sampler of your favorite musician that she expressed interest in. It does not have to be a big thing. Perhaps it's better if it's not. The important thing is that it shows that you have been attentive to your conversations and to her interests. It is truly the thought that counts.

Best of luck to you! You've got lots of time, but you may as well be filling up that time with the kind of experiences that you desire. If you want to know what it's like to have a girlfriend, try putting yourself in the way of potential dates or girlfriends and increase your chances that you and she will bump into one another (figuratively speaking of course--I'm not recommending tripping her so that you can help her pick up her things).

[Radical]

Originally Posted by belugagirl

If you can force yourself to start practicing taking the risk of expressing interest in a girl, then--whatever the results of this practice, whether it's a few interesting dates, an actual relationship, or a handful of rejections--you'll be better prepared to take that risk when there's someone that you Really fancy, and then that one won't get away just because you couldn't get yourself to ask her out.

Too late. I have already really fancied someone, but I was to ignorant/insecure then; so she never got asked out, even though my intuition told me she liked me too.

Thanks for the advice anyway. I am going to university next year, so perhaps that will provide me with the opportunity to put it in to practice.

[TheGlassInYourMouth]

Hey Radical

If you feel this way and have hesitation towards women I suggest you google David DeAngelo, Carlos Xuma or Doc Love and download their eBooks.

I am no way affiliated with them or their products but they really have changed my life and the way I approach and communicate with women and relationships.

[sadavis00]

Having a girlfriend takes a time/money, on the other hand there are benefits. Keep this in mind whenever approaching a girl. It will make you indifferent to outcome. If you get rejected, you save your time and money, its a blessing in disguise. If you don't then, well, that good too.