Are girlfriends/boyfriends necessary?

[andrew]

Yes, don't beat yourself up over it, as hard as it is. We're our own worst critics, we want to be the best. So just notice you're doing something you shouldn't, then stop. Or remember what you did wrong and try not to do it the next time.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Radical

Also, I invested so much energy in to thinking about her, she is still stuck in my head, even though we have lost contact. Any advice on how to remove her from my head? I know this sounds stupid, but a part of me still has hope that we will meet again, this could hold me back?

It might be possible to find her again. Actually, if you'd like me to, I have a knack for using Google to turn up people; can PM me. If nothing else, it may be worth it to find out from her what the reality is.

If you can't find her, then you need something that will take up your attention so much so that your mind doesn't have any room to think about her. Another girl works for this, but many activities also qualify.

Originally Posted by Radical

Perhaps she put me on a pedestal aswell for all I know? Anyway, any advice on how not to do that? If you've never had a girlfriend, it might be a tricky thing to do.

Entirely possible. The trick is to remember how very real other people are. When you put someone on a pedestal, you begin to forget the little things about them, and they become statues and marble busts. Pygmalion be damned. My advice is to talk with her. A lot. Do stupid things. Argue. Never imagine some harmonious, idyllic relationship where you skip through the fields. Doesn't work like that.

[Radical]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

It might be possible to find her again. Actually, if you'd like me to, I have a knack for using Google to turn up people; can PM me. If nothing else, it may be worth it to find out from her what the reality is.

She might think I'm some kind of stalker, lol.

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

Entirely possible. The trick is to remember how very real other people are. When you put someone on a pedestal, you begin to forget the little things about them, and they become statues and marble busts. Pygmalion be damned. My advice is to talk with her. A lot. Do stupid things. Argue. Never imagine some harmonious, idyllic relationship where you skip through the fields. Doesn't work like that.

Yup, I'm too much of a dreamer.

[Ibanez]

Originally Posted by Radical

Damn, yeah, I think that's what I did. Although, the sad thing is I didn't need to, because I am now certain she liked me too. I remember she used to make alot of eye contact with me, and she also used to smile at me alot for no reason. Perhaps she put me on a pedestal aswell for all I know?

Very few women will be direct and say "I like you, what are you doing on saturday?" Women will give little ques like that, you should take advantage of the opportunity.

Anyway, any advice on how not to do that? If you've never had a girlfriend, it might be a tricky thing to do. Also, I invested so much energy in to thinking about her, she is still stuck in my head, even though we have lost contact. Any advice on how to remove her from my head? I know this sounds stupid, but a part of me still has hope that we will meet again, this could hold me back?

Go meet more women.

[Radical]

Originally Posted by Ibanez

Very few women will be direct and say "I like you, what are you doing on saturday?" Women will give little ques like that, you should take advantage of the opportunity.

Yup, it's a sad fact of life, that I learned the hard way. There will be some people who disagree with the fairness of this, since there is supposed to be equality nowadays. Well the hard fact is alot of women don't really want equality. They want to be given the same opportunities etc, but what they really want is for a man to take control. 50 years of political correctness can't erase however many years of evolution, right...?

That being said, during 6th form I was approached by several girls, but I was too busy thinking about that one girl, so I just ignored them. I'll give you some examples that most men would probably shoot me for. One girl comes up to me, taps me on the back, says "you're it", then runs off back to her friends. I hear her say, "did he turn around, I think he's cute." Another time I'm waiting in the corridor with these two girls opposite me. One of them says "he's well fit." I start to feel uncomfortable and begin to leave, then I hear her say, "Don't go." Too late, I'm gone.

Well you get the picture. Basically I was too busy obsessing over this one girl, so I neglected all the other opportunities I had, and even worse failed to ask out the one girl that I liked.

So, what is the moral of this story? Don't put anyone on a pedestal, don't put all your energy in to a stupid fantasy, and don't wait around to ask someone out - go grab them before they leave your life forever.

Originally Posted by Ibanez

Go meet more women.

That is the only remedy.

[MarkusL]

I'd have to agree with Erin on this one.

Im in a relationship and I am learning alot from myself and from my girlfriend also. Make sure you do not look for happiness in the relationship, make sure you are bringing happiness to it. I know it takes time, money, and energy to maintain a relationship but I use those factors as a leverage for me achieve my potential. I think it is not necessary to have a boyfriend/girlfriend if you are happy with your current position. I wanted to be in one because I wanted to experience it.

I mostly focus on having fun and learning from each other. You just gotta look on the lighter side of it mann!

[JJP]

Originally Posted by Radical

So, what is the moral of this story? Don't put anyone on a pedestal, don't put all your energy in to a stupid fantasy, and don't wait around to ask someone out - go grab them before they leave your life forever.

Nice thread. Throwing in my 2 cents... Be a little more compassionate to yourselves, guys <3

It is comforting to realize this: that one girl that you put on a pedestal and fantasize about... she is called "your ideal woman"... and she is totally awesome -- everything you ever dreamed about -- but... she only lives in your head. You've dressed her up in the skin of a real life girl, yes, and that is what has thrown you off, because you see "her" out in the real world and think, "Wow, that might really be her. She's real!"

So don't be bitter about this, if you see the girl of your dreams out there in a class or walking down the hall and she is not rushing up to you to declare her love for you, flirt with you, ask you out, fawn over you, and beg you to make love to her. You are imagining your ideal woman, dressed up as her. That poor girl there isn't really what you love. No real woman could ever make you as happy as your ideal woman. To make someone else responsible for all of our happiness and satisfaction in life, that is too much to ever expect from any human being.

If you are attracted to a girl and don't ask her out, it's because that allows you to continue to entertain the fantasy that it might yet work out, or that it might have been a great relationship, you know, if only somehow you could or would magically fall in love together.

Asking a girl out is a risk, precisely because you don't know if she likes you or will say yes or no. Risk, however, is sexy, not dangeroaus. The risk is what creates the space for the whole relationship in the first place.

Being direct, expressing what you want honestly and directly, is more worth it, because it's what you need to develop anyway. Ask her out directly.

If you get a no, that's great, because it's cool, you respect that, you totally honor and respect other people's right to choose what they need to be happy at all times. Now you are free to be attracted to a new girl, until you get to one who you are attracted to and is compatible, by virtue of also being attracted to YOU.

If you get a yes, and find out you like her as a real person, you could now actually be on the way to a relationship with a sweet, cuddly, huggable, kissable, REAL girl. It could happen. Everything to gain either way.

[Colin Pedicini]

I think it's a matter of perspective...on the one hand, they might be, as some things are best experienced as a couple (such as companionship) but mostly they flow from personal happiness as a single. That's where interests come in.

[andrew]

Originally Posted by Radical

Yup, it's a sad fact of life, that I learned the hard way. There will be some people who disagree with the fairness of this, since there is supposed to be equality nowadays. Well the hard fact is alot of women don't really want equality. They want to be given the same opportunities etc, but what they really want is for a man to take control. 50 years of political correctness can't erase however many years of evolution, right...?

That being said, during 6th form I was approached by several girls, but I was too busy thinking about that one girl, so I just ignored them. I'll give you some examples that most men would probably shoot me for. One girl comes up to me, taps me on the back, says "you're it", then runs off back to her friends. I hear her say, "did he turn around, I think he's cute." Another time I'm waiting in the corridor with these two girls opposite me. One of them says "he's well fit." I start to feel uncomfortable and begin to leave, then I hear her say, "Don't go." Too late, I'm gone.

Well you get the picture. Basically I was too busy obsessing over this one girl, so I neglected all the other opportunities I had, and even worse failed to ask out the one girl that I liked.

So, what is the moral of this story? Don't put anyone on a pedestal, don't put all your energy in to a stupid fantasy, and don't wait around to ask someone out - go grab them before they leave your life forever.



That is the only remedy.

This reminds me of the scene from A Beautiful Mind, where he's in the bar and all the guys want the blonde, and he comes up with his thesis of economics of how everyones goes for the same girl and one only guy and her will be together, and the other men and women won't have anything. But if they ignored the girl, and they each went to find their own without competing, much more happiness results. General gist of it, it's been a while since I've seen it.

But yeah man, I do want to shoot you for that! Another lesson to be learned is to be on the look for opportunities that arise, that you maybe not be looking for at the moment. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and go for them, regardless of the immediate sacrifice, in order to get the big payoff. So in this case, you were too busy focused on one girl, that you passed up an opportunity with an even better girl. But you were so blinded, you couldn't see. I think this has happened to all of us, and is something really important to watch-out for.

An example I can provide is that I told you about the business and product I'm developing. That's my goal, that's my girl on the pedestal. Now in the meantime, there has been freelance work offered to me and other various side projects (other girls). Did I really want to do them? Not really at the time, I was too busy focused on my "main girl." But for various reasons I did and they have built connections with people that I wouldn't have made by just my main project. It's funny, I also see IM and LoA at work, because all the people I did work for live in the area where I want to move this summer and can provide me with great insight. That never would have happened if I ignored the "other girls". But in the meantime, I was still working the "main girl", my project. So it may take longer, but in the end, everything has its way of coming together.

[Radical]

Originally Posted by andrew

But yeah man, I do want to shoot you for that!

Lol. If I had a time machine I would go back in time and slap myself silly.

But I have to try and forget the past, and look towards the future.

[Hsiang-Lin]

I wish girls would tell me I'm fit

[Radical]

Originally Posted by Hsiang-Lin

I wish girls would tell me I'm fit

I dunno, maybe this is LoA at work? If you believe that you're fit then you will be?

Just saying this, because during 6th form college I firmly had the belief that I was attractive to girls, and this belief would manifest in reality. For example, girls would smile at me and I would hear their remarks, such as "he's fit" and "I wouldn't mind fcuking him" etc. Lol, anyway, this was strange, because in school I always held the belief that I was unattractive, and that also would manifest in reality. For instance, girls would complain about sitting next to me, they would insult me and steal my belongings etc.

So maybe this is LoA at work? Or at least something to do with your beliefs? If you perceive yourself as attractive, you will find evidence to support your belief. Likewise, if you perceive yourself as unattractive, you will find evidence to support that belief.

[Hsiang-Lin]

Interesting point you raise, Radical.

That was sort of a joke as I do find myself currently attractive because I've been working out in the gym everyday and I am also improving my daily productivity. I'd have to say my self-esteem is at a respectable level now (still wouldn't consider it super high, though, since I have much to improve).

But I think you have a point. There is probably some conflicting belief that hasn't even appeared in my consciousness yet and is just lurking in my subconsciousness that's making me not meet women. I'm also not actively searching so I feel that has a lot to do with it But I've leaned towards the benefit of the doubt and allowed the possibility of LoA to attract a good woman into my life.

Actually, whoa, I think I just realized something. I think my life is improving well right now and that if a partner came into my life, it would prob. distract me from my progress. I guess I don't really focus on finding a girlfriend these days. Maybe the universe has a way to direct me towards what I ultimately want such that it won't bring a girl into my life because it knows what's best for me? Haha, could be and that would be pretty cool.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Radical

I dunno, maybe this is LoA at work? If you believe that you're fit then you will be?

So maybe this is LoA at work? Or at least something to do with your beliefs? If you perceive yourself as attractive, you will find evidence to support your belief. Likewise, if you perceive yourself as unattractive, you will find evidence to support that belief.

Yes Radical. It's about our beliefs. What the mind can concieve and believe, it can achieve.

I'm a believer in the power of beliefs. That's why I wrote a series on Love Beliefs. You may find it useful to read - Love Belief Series #1: What Is Your Love Belief?

Originally Posted by Hsiang-Lin

Actually, whoa, I think I just realized something. I think my life is improving well right now and that if a partner came into my life, it would prob. distract me from my progress. I guess I don't really focus on finding a girlfriend these days. Maybe the universe has a way to direct me towards what I ultimately want such that it won't bring a girl into my life because it knows what's best for me? Haha, could be and that would be pretty cool.

Why would you say that Hsiang-Lin? haha

What makes you think your life will stop improving or progressing with someone in your life? Wouldn't that person be an additional motivating force and support for you to grow better, as a person and a couple?

If she can't and really is a detterant instead of supporter, that only means you've found the wrong person. But I believe the right person will make your a world a more beautiful one than it is now already

[Jm4362]

Originally Posted by Hsiang-Lin

Actually, whoa, I think I just realized something. I think my life is improving well right now and that if a partner came into my life, it would prob. distract me from my progress. I guess I don't really focus on finding a girlfriend these days. Maybe the universe has a way to direct me towards what I ultimately want such that it won't bring a girl into my life because it knows what's best for me? Haha, could be and that would be pretty cool.

I have experienced something similar, being a student focused on doing well in classes. I have not been thinking about finding a boyfriend (i'm a girl, not gay) and when I did think of it, I thought, "having a boyfriend would be fun, but it would take up too much time/distract me/etc" combined with stuff like, "I'm an independent woman, so I don't need a boyfriend" and some low-self-esteem stuff as well (which I am working on). But I've decided that I'll be on the lookout for a suitable prospect. Since I've started college (university for our overseas friends) I've had one short-term relationship which was fun. Good experience. I think I just need to overcome my belief that messing around with boys is unproductive. The next relationship I attract will be the motivating, supporting, mutually beneficial kind.

~Jm4362

[andrew]

Yes, Radical, of course!

I've seen proof of this, just by numbers. I just assume every girl likes me, and more often then not, they do. It depends on how I handle the situation and a billion other variables though. I also have to balance that with my ego, so it's a constant tuning.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Jm4362

The next relationship I attract will be the motivating, supporting, mutually beneficial kind.

~Jm4362

There you go! And you will get such a relationship Jm4362. Happy dating then!

[songwriter]

According to online tests and people opinions I'm happier than most of the people. And I've never had an girlfriend or love affair.

[Angela]

I'm going to go out on a limb and say the BEST way to effect personal growth in your life is to participate in an intimate relationship with another human being.

Hsiang-Lin -- your communication style is so thoughtful, so full of love, understanding, generosity, and just plain fun that when you do have your breakthrough, you are sure to attract a mirror of that, and it will be a gorgeous kind of love.

Best wishes in that regard to you and to everyone else here who is longing.

[Radical]

To be honest, if you've never really liked someone, then it isn't necessary. But if you have really liked someone, even if it was a fantasy, then you will feel emptiness. Once you know this feeling of emptiness, then I believe it is necessary.

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by Angela

I'm going to go out on a limb and say the BEST way to effect personal growth in your life is to participate in an intimate relationship with another human being.

Ditto that. A relationship is like a mirror, you see yourself for all your flaws and strengths, and really get to know yourself warts and all.

[Radical]

Damn that girl that I liked.

How do you eradicate the feeling of emptiness?

[Hsiang-Lin]

Wow, Angela, thank you for those wonderful words! I was so inspired after I read them I got out my slump, skipped off to a healthy dinner (mmm humus), and then did a nice hour of work. Thank you!

I guess I have an unconventional view towards the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. This has been something thats always lurked in the back of my head. Whenever someone tells me that it is NECESSARY to have a mate in life, I wonder, "Well what about Buddha? Or monks and nuns? Are they not living as fulfilling lives as those who do have partners?"

It's interesting because I believe if you cut down to it, it's not necessary. Yet, I don't see how I could live my life without experiencing it. I will most likely find a partner somewhere down the line, yet I've always been fascinated with people like Buddha and the monks/nuns who are able to live fulfilling lives without the need to settle down with a partner. I often wonder how do they do it?

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Hsiang-Lin

Wow, Angela, thank you for those wonderful words! I was so inspired after I read them I got out my slump, skipped off to a healthy dinner (mmm humus), and then did a nice hour of work. Thank you!

I guess I have an unconventional view towards the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. This has been something thats always lurked in the back of my head. Whenever someone tells me that it is NECESSARY to have a mate in life, I wonder, "Well what about Buddha? Or monks and nuns? Are they not living as fulfilling lives as those who do have partners?"

It's interesting because I believe if you cut down to it, it's not necessary. Yet, I don't see how I could live my life without experiencing it. I will most likely find a partner somewhere down the line, yet I've always been fascinated with people like Buddha and the monks/nuns who are able to live fulfilling lives without the need to settle down with a partner. I often wonder how do they do it?

Angle, you're a good coach Excellent choice of words there (thumbs up!)

Hsiang Lin -- Buddha has lots of love and compassion. The amount of love we have for each other, for the living things on Earth and for the whole is part an iota of what Buddha has. Maybe that's why he gained Enlightenment

[andrew]

Originally Posted by Radical

Damn that girl that I liked.

How do you eradicate the feeling of emptiness?

Simple. Meet a lot more girls. You'll be so busy with them, you won't even have time to think about her. And it's not like you were in love for 5 years, you can move on pretty quickly just by dating other girls and not focusing your energy on her.

[Aikay]

Hsiang-Lin,
Well, I found no guilt in your sentiments but one thing you must understand is that, if you just get yourself into a girl you are not moved for before your moves for intimacy, then you might definitely end up at zero in the relationship. You have to go for a kind of meal you fancy and not just because you want to be involved. Don’t you have a choice? Lets not talk about what is involved in very close relationship “next door” I mean.

Another thing is the issue of fear and convinced mind of embarrassment as a result, this is what every tanager faces at their first/early touches in relationship before the stage of a free mind, except the “unwellbreeded” class kind. Your experiences are not far from normal but in all, sit back and be moved with things that will describe you better tomorrow, you wouldn’t need to ask if you need a girl in your life when the clock ticks to that; when your feelings has grown wild for her. Good luck buddy!

[Aikay]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

The only way you'll know if you like having a girlfriend is to have one and find out. Try it before you decide whether or not it's for you.

Having a girlfriend/boyfriend is not purely a thing to test to know if it's for you or not. No one can deny a lost in trying to be involved in someone's issue at a reasonable stage in life. If your life stage speaks that, you'll not need answers from forum or close friends. Watch your life and get it sticked with things that suits you, at a time the questions will be answered. Don't be involved in something your life is not pointing at because of its existence. Our cases differs at times.

[Aikay]

Originally Posted by Hsiang-Lin

Hey Radical,

I went through a similar stage where I was beginning to question whether I should have a girlfriend. And wouldn't you know it, as soon I mentioned it to my friends I was flooded with the "you need a girlfriend" mentality.

First, let me second all those who said you don't need a girlfriend in life to make you happy. But the best way to find out is to see it for yourself.

I was so confused during that time that I didn't know what the root of my problem was. "Is it really because I don't have a girlfriend? How come I was so happy and motivated before I started thinking so much about this?"

After months of socializing and still not having a girlfriend, I decided to cut to the chase and figure out what was REALLY my problem. Did I really just want a girlfriend or have I always been too afraid to face my fear of rejection/public embarassment?

I needed to see for myself. So I went out on campus and asked out six random girls on the street. Well, the results were unsuprising lol. That conquered my fear of public embarassment and I felt my consciousness raise to a whole different level. That was a sign for me that it wasn't the fact that I didn't have a girlfriend, but my fear that was holding me back. But that's not the end of it.

I still felt something was missing. That fear was diminished, but I wasn't satisfied. It was then it hit me that I needed to go even further: ask out my neighbor.

Ever heard the saying, "Don't eat where you ************?" I was sick of repeating that limiting belief in my head. I wanted to be free and I had a gut feeling that that belief was only holding me down.

So what did I do? I asked out my neighbor. Lol, she's next door right now. Am I still alive? Yes. Did anything terrible happen? Well, I felt sick to my stomach moments before phoning her. How do I feel now? Free. And we are still cool when we see each other. (although she prob. still thinks I'm a bit weird lol)

After finally overcoming that limiting belief, I now have so much more mental energy to tackle other things in my life. Some people go in the girlfriend-searching journey and end up with a girlfriend. My path did not end this way. But I feel so much better than before and have no regrets. I'm not saying I won't eventually find one. I'm not saying to follow my path. But keep an open mind and allow yourself to experience life without skipping to premature judgments. You might just surprise yourself at how you grow at the end

Hsiang-Lin,
Well, I found no guilt in your sentiments but one thing you must understand is that, if you just get yourself into a girl you are not moved for before your moves for intimacy, then you might definitely end up at zero in the relationship. You have to go for a kind of meal you fancy and not just because you want to be involved. Don’t you have a choice? Lets not talk about what is involved in very close relationship “next door” I mean.

Another thing is the issue of fear and convinced mind of embarrassment as a result, this is what every tanager faces at their first/early touches in relationship before the stage of a free mind, except the “unwellbreeded” class kind. Your experiences are not far from normal but in all, sit back and be moved with things that will describe you better tomorrow, you wouldn’t need to ask if you need a girl in your life when the clock ticks to that; when your feelings has grown wild for her. Good luck buddy!

[Shaden]

Every aspect of relationships - both the negative and the positive are very good life experiences to go through. Intimate relationships allow you to develop compassion, honesty, empathy, human sympathy, understanding and intelligence. And of course the negative connotations of relationships are ever present - betrayal, lust, heartbreak, fierce arguments, disagreements. Yet each of these negative experiences is in itself positive - allowing us to enjoy the rich texture and vast space of human emotion in all it's glory.

Needless to say, there is nothing to be worried about being 19 and not having had a girlfriend. You shouldn't let that affect your self-confidence. Hell - I'd be in deep water if I let it do so.

[Ladan]

Having a girlfriend or boyfriend is absolutely not necessary for you to feel happy and fulfilled in your life.

Actually I believe if you don't feel happy and fulfilled in your personal life as a single person, you really shouldn't enter a relationship with the purpose of gaining that sense of happiness.

Because that's what you need to find within yourself, and if you can't or don't want to do it alone, no one else can help you.

But if when you already feel happy and fulfilled in your life, now having a loving partner to share this happiness with and also learning more from will make you feel happier.