How Do You Know When Someone Is The One?

[Alvin]

Here's a question for some of you more experienced in the art of love than I am

I've been seeing someone for the past few months, but I'm not sure if I know the answer to that question. She's so different from anyone I've ever been with, in fact, she doesn't fit my idea of the woman I always thought I'd end up with, but yet here we are together.

How do you know when someone is the one for you?

[Akashic_Librarian]

How indeed. Love is something I have no real experience in, trust your gut.

[Michelle]

I will tell you how I knew.

My boyfriend and I met for the first time on a blind date. I wasn't thrilled at first sight, and our conversation was strained the whole evening BUT during my train ride home the happiest feeling came over me, and I got all smiley. I still feel like that today. And in difficult moments, where I think I might rather be alone, I imagine my life without him - and everything becomes clear again.

[kthdsn]

When you find someone who is right for you, you just know. It feels right. You feel more alive when you're with them, and when you are apart you can't wait to get back together to share things that they missed out on.

I think it helps if you go into the relationship without expectations so that you can see what's there rather than getting caught up in how it's different to how you wanted it to be or how you thought it would be.

[madgeylou]

it's funny, when i first met my now-ex, i pounced. i just knew i had to have him. at the same time, part of me always knew we wouldnt be together forever. so, when we were together, i really focused on enjoying every drop of it -- i would shut my eyes sometimes when things were nice and just thank god for bringing this love into my life. i didnt think about the past or the future -- i just relished the time we spent together.

and, i think because i participated in this relationship without expectations (other than baselines of respect, etc.), the ending of it has not devastated me. i didnt pin any of my hopes on him. so when we broke up, my hopes didnt leave with him, you know? not that it hasnt been painful at all -- it certainly has -- but it hasnt broken me the way i've seen breakups destroy some of my friends.

anyway ... you might not like this answer, but i am thinking if you have to ask if this person is "the one," then she probably isnt.

*but* i dont think that "the one" is really an accurate picture of how love works. i think there are many "ones" for each of us, and you my friend have been lucky enough to have found one of them.

my advice is to enjoy this love now while it is alive, and dont worry too much about whether it fits the societal norm of "the one."

[elainevdw]

Wow, it's so interesting that everybody just... knew.

I "knew" I would marry my boyfriend about two weeks before we started dating. It's been five years and we're still not engaged, but unless something dire happens, we both know that it's going to happen one day. Probably two years from now. There's been points where I've wondered if we would last... but so far, we have.

There were a few guys that I would have liked to date, but didn't. Mostly because I "knew" that we'd eventually have problems and break up, and at that time in my life I didn't want to deal with it.

My grandpa actually proposed to my grandma on their first date. She said no, of course, but it happened eventually...

But I certainly agree with Medgeylou. Relationships (friendships, acquaintances, dating, whatever) are all precious. If this one is working -- embrace it! Enjoy it. Don't overanalyze it. It sounds like you suspect she might be it, but you're nervous about labeling it that way, because it's not what you expected.

[Angela]

Alvin, please don't get the impression that everybody just "knows" when they are with the right person. Many people who "know" right away soon find out they were very mistaken -- you just don't hear from them so much! I'm not sure, but I suspect it's even more common to "not know." When I met Danger Man, I was very "ich don't theeenk so" about him -- he was exactly what I never pictured myself with. Within a couple of months of dating, though, it was clear he was a very good man and worth some risk. One day, I made a conscious decision to choose him. Our whole relationship changed in that moment! Now, two years later, we're both choosing each other anew every day. It's the richest, most fulfilling, satisfying and pleasurable relationship I've ever had, and completely different from how I ever imagined love with "my type."

Choose her! Be brave and give it a real, full-on go! If it doesn't work, you'll have developed some skill and courage for future relationships, as well as increasing the likelihood of remaining friends with this one later.

[kthdsn]

Angela I just wanted to say that I didn't just see my guy and KNOW right away, I didn't think he was the kind of guy I'd settle down with, I wouldn't have looked twice if he hadn't approached me first. We spent a whole lot of time together and really started to get to know each other before I knew he was right for me. It slowly sunk in until I realised that I was overwhelmed with feelings for him. That was when I knew. I agree that there is an element of choice involved, you have to choose to get to know the person before you can get to the stage where you just know.

[Angela]

kthdsn, I understand, and it sounds very much like what happened for me. Just to be clear: I'm not talking about choosing to get to know the person, or choosing to give them a chance. I'm talking about actually choosing the person, and saying (or thinking) I Choose YOU.

[madgeylou]

Originally Posted by Angela

kthdsn, I understand, and it sounds very much like what happened for me. Just to be clear: I'm not talking about choosing to get to know the person, or choosing to give them a chance. I'm talking about actually choosing the person, and saying (or thinking) I Choose YOU.

totally o/t but this is reminding me of the simpsons episode where lisa gives ralphie an "i choo-choo-choose you" valentine with a train on it because she feels bad he didnt get any from anyone else and he falls in love with her.

see, everything i needed to know i learned from lisa simpson.

[Angela]

Madgelou, I am so going to steal that valentine idea! My favorite one ever was a picture of a hippo on the cover and inside it said "I love you from top to bottomous!"

[Dharma]

Originally Posted by Angela

Now, two years later, we're both choosing each other anew every day. It's the richest, most fulfilling, satisfying and pleasurable relationship I've ever had, and completely different from how I ever imagined love with "my type."

(emphasis mine)
Very good Angela,
choosing each other anew every day is a reminder that the choice for a parner is in the moment, for the moment.

[RallyMcnally]

You just know when someone is the one. Everything happens so easy. It's not a struggle for you to call them. Synchroncity appears between both of you. If it seems like it's a struggle for you to even want to talk to them, or be with them, then you have your answer right there. Their not for you!

[Jill]

anyway ... you might not like this answer, but i am thinking if you have to ask if this person is "the one," then she probably isnt.

Yep, I was gonna say the same thing...if you have to ask...

And I also agree with the further posts. That doesn't mean that right away you will be in love with someone, but if it's the right one, eventually you'll know it, and know it in a big way.

Be sure that the person does fit your criteria of what you're looking for in a long-term mate though (if you're thinking long-term). I see too many people who don't seem to have that mental checklist, or who ignore it.

I had a very specific mental checklist in mind of the person I would marry. Once I decided that my now husband had met all the criteria, I realized he was the one! We've been married for 23 years now!

It's certainly not been a piece of cake all those years, but by starting off meeting all the criteria certainly helps. I can't imagine lasting this long with someone who only met some of my criteria or only a few or whatever. There would just be too much room for disagreements, and all that.

[madgeylou]

Originally Posted by Jill

Be sure that the person does fit your criteria of what you're looking for in a long-term mate though (if you're thinking long-term). I see too many people who don't seem to have that mental checklist, or who ignore it.

I had a very specific mental checklist in mind of the person I would marry. Once I decided that my now husband had met all the criteria, I realized he was the one! We've been married for 23 years now!

It's certainly not been a piece of cake all those years, but by starting off meeting all the criteria certainly helps. I can't imagine lasting this long with someone who only met some of my criteria or only a few or whatever. There would just be too much room for disagreements, and all that.

jill i'm interested -- what were your criteria?

i ask because i'm in the process of recovering and learning from my breakup, and i find myself realizing some patterns -- for instance, every boyfriend i've ever had has been "like" me: a musician or some other sort of artist, bright and inclined towards iconoclasticity (if that's a word).

i'm thinking maybe i need to expand my horizons into other universes of men if i want a different experience. but i havent consciously *decided* what i want in a partner ever before -- so i'm interested to hear how you did it.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Jill

Yep, I was gonna say the same thing...if you have to ask...

Be sure that the person does fit your criteria of what you're looking for in a long-term mate though (if you're thinking long-term). I see too many people who don't seem to have that mental checklist, or who ignore it.

Wow, I've got so much thoughts on this. Every reply has truths in them which I do agree.

Hey Alvin my dear friend, forget about what you expect in a girl. Ask yourself how do you feel when you are around her? Ask yourself too, if she were to leave you now, how does that make you feel? Future pace and feel how it feels like what that happens.

Becoming clear on how you feel is perhaps the first and most important step. Because you must know if you love her or not.

The second thing is like what Jill said above. Do you have a list of criterias for a life partner? If you have been thinking, I suggest you write it down in ink. Look at the list and priortise them.

This probably don't sound as romantic as what love should be, but that's a very realistic fact we have to go through. It's not about looking for a perfect one who fits all your criteria, it's about finding someone compatible who can live with you for the rest of your life. Love has to be present first of course, that's why the first step.

Conflicting values, life goals and principles, upbrining, culture may have severe implications if you get married.

I guess people do know if the person is "the one" when the time comes. It may not be on first sight, it could be a sudden *ding*, that slight flutter in your heart etc, that moment of "oh". Then that's when you knew.

But before you reach that stage (some may never do), like what kthdsn said, choose to know her better first and choose to see how well you guys fit into each other's lives.

It's only a few months pal, take it easy. Hey you're young! I'm so envious (unless we're smelling an impending ???)

[Jill]

jill i'm interested -- what were your criteria?

Well, I'm a very simple person, and my criteria were also very simple. I was only 22 when I got married, but I don't think my criteria would change much today.

Basically, the things on my mental checklist were:

1. They had to be not into any kind of organized religion.
2. They had to make me laugh -- a lot.
3. They had to be highly intelligent and have the prospects for a good career.
4. They had to be very responsible with money and not be a spendthrift.
5. They had to want children.

That's pretty much it that I can think of.

The career one was important to me because my main goal in life at the time (besides wanting to get married) was to have kids and be a stay at home mom.

Another thing that I knew I wanted which goes along with the intelligence thing is that I was always looking for a guy who I could ask any question to and he would have an answer. My father is like that and to me it always just seemed like something a guy should be able to do. Silly I know, but when I had gone out with some guys who I'd ask a question to and they would say, "I don't know" it would turn me off! (I know my dad and my husband may just make up answers that they think are right, or these days look it up on the Internet, but that was okay with me!)

[Alvin]

Wow! Thanks for all the insightful and loving responses

I'm also surprised by how many of you felt it 'click' pretty much off the bat (or close).

The thing about my girlfriend is that she doesn't fit many of the criteria of the ideal partner I'd written out before, but we sort of fell into each others' lives without much dating.

I would say that she's helped me grow as a person because she has some qualities I'm lacking; she brings me back down to earth, but she's also lacking some qualities I wish she could have.

With my first girlfriend, I felt very open with her, we connected on a lot of levels and I could be very communicative. Not so much with my present girlfriend, sometimes I feel like I have to hold things back because she wouldn't understand or would disagree.

When I came into this relationship, I had misgivings because she was so different, but I thought; why not put aside my doubts and explore? It's been 10 months and I still have doubts.

We very nearly broke up recently, but I found I couldn't let go, and I'm not sure why.

[kthdsn]

Alvin I think you need to decide if you want a relationship in general or if you want a relationship with this particular person. I have seen so many people including myself stuck in a relationship just because I/they didn't want to be alone.

If you decide that you do want to be with this particular person then remember why that is, and your doubts should go away.

If you decide that you just don't want to be alone, then it wouldn't be fair on your partner to continue the relationship. Let them go and find their own happiness, and allow yourself to find yours.

[Jill]

It's okay if the person you end up with is not your exact ideal perfect person. Chances are they won't be, or at least you'll find out later that they're not.

What you do want, however, is to be sure that the things that are not exactly what you want are not "deal breakers."

Like perhaps you have a particular physical attribute in mind for your perfect person. If they don't have that, but have everything else, is that really a deal breaker? For most people, it probably wouldn't be.

But others (for me those things I listed on my mental checklist) those are deal breakers. Every single one of those things was extremely important to me, and I really doubt I would have married (or let myself fall in love) with someone who didn't meet that criteria.

Now that I'm older if I was ever on the market for a new spouse, my criteria would probably be different. But only for this stage in my life, since I wouldn't care about the person wanting kids, etc.! But most of the same basic criteria would remain. And I'd probably add a few new ones from things I've learned in my current relationships.

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by kthdsn

Alvin I think you need to decide if you want a relationship in general or if you want a relationship with this particular person. I have seen so many people including myself stuck in a relationship just because I/they didn't want to be alone.

If you decide that you do want to be with this particular person then remember why that is, and your doubts should go away.

If you decide that you just don't want to be alone, then it wouldn't be fair on your partner to continue the relationship. Let them go and find their own happiness, and allow yourself to find yours.

Gee, these are tough questions. I have the feeling that I want to be in a relationship in general, and I don't want to be alone.

She doesn't meet all the criteria I set before in my old 'wish list' but she does meet a few. What I do miss is the deep connection and joy I used to have with my previous relationships (just 2). She makes me happy and see things differently in her own way but she has her pet peeves that I don't like and things I wish she had more of.

In a lot of areas, we have different interests and values. Do you find that shared interests are important for a lasting relationship that works?

[julien]

I agree with Michelle ...

[Jill]

Originally Posted by Alvin

In a lot of areas, we have different interests and values. Do you find that shared interests are important for a lasting relationship that works?

I don't think shared interests are all that important (although they help) but shared values are critical. If you don't have those I wouldn't put too much hope in a long term relationship, imo.

Interests change and you may grow together to share some. But values are values, and those are not something you're going to change in her or her in you.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Alvin

With my first girlfriend, I felt very open with her, we connected on a lot of levels and I could be very communicative. Not so much with my present girlfriend, sometimes I feel like I have to hold things back because she wouldn't understand or would disagree.

That's not good news Alvin. Have you used other ways to convey your message and it still don't get across as what you intended? If you had and still you're not getting the response you want, have you communicated this to her? It could be the subject matter's depth that's too much for her, or she just wasn't interested in that topic to bother learning more about it.

Why does her possibility of disagreeing with you stop you from telling her things you like to tell her in the first place? Communication is about updating each other, about conveying your feelings towards anything and everything, not to get consensus.

You do that in a discussion, or when you need to make decisions together. If you're falling into "I'd rather not talk about it" mentality, I feel that it will make your relationship unhealthy in time to come.

When communication stops, connection stops, which means the possibility of growing your love is terminated. Of course, I'm not saying you are cutting off all communication ya.

Originally Posted by Jill

I don't think shared interests are all that important (although they help) but shared values are critical. If you don't have those I wouldn't put too much hope in a long term relationship, imo.

Interests change and you may grow together to share some. But values are values, and those are not something you're going to change in her or her in you.

Agree Jill. And just to quote another example. My cousin has got completely different interests and hobbies with his wife. When we asked him did that bother him at all, or affected their relationship, he gave us this answer "We have only 1 common interest - i.e raising our children"

He told us if he marries someone who has all the same interest as he, he might as well fall in love with himself!

Values are far more important than interests, though one of the things in common found in happy couples are their abilities to do things together, so same interests may come in handy in this way.

[Shuchetana]

Hi Alvin

Having difficulty letting go does not necessarily mean that she's the one. And to be blunt, from your post, it doesnt sound like she is.

It doesnt matter if people are different, or even if they can't always talk about everything (my boyfriend can attest to this, i rudely shut him up when he tries to explain physics)

What's important is that you accept each other's differences, and respect each other, and appreciate each other. You might not love everything about each other, but you should be able to acknowledge the person that they are, and admire that.

If the reason you can't say certain things is fear (of fighting, embarrassment, or whatever) you really shouldn't be together. I agree with Dating Specialist. The ability to be open and honest about everything if needed, is essential. You should be enjoying most of your communication, and feeling comfortable and peaceful.

But most importantly, I get a very strong sense of doubt in your post. Doubt is natural, but when someone is the one, you should be happy with them most of the time. Thinking of being with them should make you happy, and thoughts of losing them should make you feel devastated.

Knowing someone is the one isn't something that happens automatically, but when it happens, there's not much room for second thoughts

[eveliendb]

When you talk about those feelings of hapinness and smiles ... how long do they last?
I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 years now and those feelings have gone away.
Does this mean I don't love him anymore or maybe that I'm just not IN love anymore?

I don't know !!

[Erik Mazzone]

If you are more of an intuitive decision maker, and it sounds like a lot of people on here are, then you need to trust your gut. If you are more of sensing decision maker (using Myers Briggs lingo), then go with the details, decision trees, etc. I like to think of the difference as this: are you a philosopher or an engineer?

There is no right answer to this question. It comes down to how you make your best decisions in your life: based on your intuition, or based on a logical assessment of the facts.

I always thought that everyone just "knew", because I did. Many years as a divorce lawyer taught me that bad decisions come in all flavors, including the "I just knew" flavor.

Good luck!

[Scott H Young]

Alvin,

Hey bud, glad to see you in a great relationship. I'm not an expert, but I've got a habit of voicing my opinions nonetheless, so here goes:

1) Relationships aren't something you can have, but something you do. Does this person enrich your life? Challenge you to grow? Create an emotional bond?

2) Don't look for the "one". Relationships change, people change. Don't seek permanence in something that can't possibly contain it. Instead judge the person for your relationship with them right now. To use Steve's method, would you rather experience the continuing relationship with this person or experience a different relationship/being single?

3) The sandbox rule: If you two were trapped in a room with a sandbox for twenty four hours and you couldn't have sex, would you be able to enjoy each others company for the entire time? Basically do you see this person as a friend and a companion?

But what the hell do I know, hey? Good luck, and I hope you find whatever you're looking for.

-Scott

[Angela]

Scott, I think you ARE an expert! Very well said.

[Shuchetana]

Scott,
Those were some really good points.
And eveliendb, I don’t necessarily mean being all happy and smiley for him. It’s just that you’re happy and comfortable with him, and you enjoy his company. You shouldn't feel like you're forcing yourself to be with him.