Relationships and future.

[Pilkington]

Hey there, this is my first thread and post on this site... I joined cause i noticed a thread where a guy discussed a few problems and some other members helped him out. I related to his topic but i didn't want to interrupt his thread so i created this one. Anyways i think is probably going to more of venting but if you manage to read all of it, please throw in any advice.

So I'm an 18 year old male, straight out of high school i decided to go to college. I'm just nearing the end of my first year and i gotta say it was awful. The degree choice i made was definitely a poor one, so for this next year i'm switching. But the problem arises when i realized that i made such a poor choice, now i'm having all sorts of anxiety. Like i don't know what I'm going to be when i graduate, if school is the right choice for me, things like that. It's given me a lot of stress, the thing that keeps me going is the close friends that i got, i have a few. The problem in this is that even though i have wonderful people around me and am meeting new friends everyday, i have bad depression. The depression arose when i was grade four, at least thats when i can remember. I would have mood swings, not happy to angry but more happy to sad, with no catalyst at all. I find myself today worrying about things that are way above the things that i should be worried about. With addition to the post graduate thing, i'm worrying about women way to much. Stated previously of my close friends, i have six, and 5/6 are all in happy lone relationships, and it makes me jealous. Not in a way that i wish ill upon them but how much i want something like that, to be loved. This brings me to my biggest problem i think, relationships and women. I don't understand this at all, i'm not a socially inept person but i've never had a long relationship, never had someone say they "loved me" (in a romantic way that is, i've heard it from friends and family) what i'm talking about isn't someone just loving you but rather being in love with you. and i know a lot of people believe at such a young age its impossible to be "In love," Well that may be true i have no idea, but the love i see that my friends have for there significant others is good enough for me. Anyways, i don't understand women, I've heard all the following from women; i'm a funny guy, nice, charming, smart, fun to hang out with, loyal, i'm not a 10/10 but not bad looking (some girls have said hot some have said less nice things)...sometimes i can say a cocky thing or a mean thing, though i try to stay humble and i do apologize if i know i've hurt someones feelings with a joke for example. However, i've only dated a couple girls, and instead i get "Oh, your such a good friend." Which in turn leads for a lot of nice friendships, which i don't mind. They start coming to me for advice, which i don't mind giving, but most of the time it's advice about how much they like my best friend (i'll call him x), anyways their always coming up to me asking advice on him, how i should put in a good word, or what's x saying about them, so on and so forth. It's started to just absolutely pissing me off, and some who read this may believe that i hold some form of jealously and hatred for my friend x, but thats furthest from the truth, me and him are really close, i consider him a brother. It pisses me off cause, for ever one of those girls that likes him, theres been a lot, i've heard, "Oh your just like x," which agian doesn't bother me, but if im just like him why aren't there girls lining up at my front door, or asking him for advice about me. I'll admit that he's probably better looking then me but again not a 10/10. And to be honest he can be a really big ******* sometimes (to girls), while he and i both agree im the nicer one. Anyways, i guess this is more a venting mechanism for me, if you got advice please share your wisdom. For all those people who noticed my horrible grammar, i really apologize and don't worry i'm not an english major or plan on being one.
Thanks For reading

[uberinquisitive]

Well, the main message I read from your post: I, Pilkington, am lacking.

Why do you want a girlfriend? Why do you want them to say "I love you"? You never once mention, "I'm just full of love and I want to share it with a special girl." Instead, you only say stuff like, "all my other friends have it. Why not me?"

You basically want to use a girl to keep up with the love Jones'. You want a girl to validate your worth, that you are indeed good enough. But - what are you gonna give to her?

I'm a girl, and I'll tell you this: nothing makes a woman swoon like a man who is authentic, strong, and giving. That is SEXY. Maybe insecure women will fall for bravado (fake sexy). But your average, cool girl can sense, through your vibes, whether you are truly sexy.

I suggest you spend time really working on yourself, rather than worry about girls or your friends. Trust me, a quality girl will enter your life when you've become more secure in yourself.

As for ways for you to become more secure - I'm sure this forum is overstuffed with recs for books, websites, etc.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Pilkington

For all those people who noticed my horrible grammar, i really apologize and don't worry i'm not an english major or plan on being one.

This line alone says a lot about how you view yourself. Your grammar is not horrible and neither are you. Stop apologizing for yourself! You have all the right in the world to be who you are (and who you are not).

Life is not a competition and neither are women.

You don't win the girl because you are nicer than the next guy.
You don't loose the girl because the next guy is nicer than you.
You win the girl because she likes you - not him - regardless.

I can relate to the hurt you feel when you say all your friends are in a relationship and you are not - but that is neither your or their fault. All you can do is not feel sorry for yourself and wait for Ms. Right to come along (or help fate a little by going to places she might be).

If it is any consolation, you are not the only one who is still looking to find her...

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

Originally Posted by Pilkington

sometimes i can say a cocky thing or a mean thing, though i try to stay humble and i do apologize if i know i've hurt someones feelings with a joke for example.

I think it's never too good to apologize too quickly. Allow yourself to be cocky if you want to. You'll first notice some resistance (especially with girls), which makes you want to apologize. However if you stay cocky and keep your cocky frame (if that's what you feel like), you'll notice that after the resistance the girl will smile and say something like "hey you're so mean !" (but with a smile).

Like Jim says, stop apologising for what you are and/or want to be. It's ok to be you

Originally Posted by Pilkington

However, i've only dated a couple girls, and instead i get "Oh, your such a good friend." Which in turn leads for a lot of nice friendships, which i don't mind. They start coming to me for advice, which i don't mind giving, but most of the time it's advice about how much they like my best friend

If you don't feel like giving advice to these girls about your friend, just don't. Tell them that you're not a personal advisor. If you want a close relationship and they propose you a "just be friends" relationship, you're not obliged to accept. (You can but only if you consciously choose to).

Once I was dating a girl and she started telling me about her ex-boyfriend that sent her text messages just before the date. She wanted to show me the text and ask for advice about what to do because it was a weird text.
I just answered that I didn't want to read the text because it was not my business and I didn't want to give her advice. I prefered to just get to know her better.
She was surprised because of this answer first...Then she thought about it and said "you're right actually, I think it's a good reaction" or something like that.
Then we had a really good date.

All you can do is not feel sorry for yourself and wait for Ms. Right to come along (or help fate a little by going to places she might be).

In addition to what Jim says here, I'd say that you can not only go to places she might be but also train to grow your comfort zone and start a conversation more often.

All the best to you

[BrettAshlee]

Loneliness can be a tough road, especially when you know you are a good person, with all of the qualities you have, and which women have noticed but not responded to in the way you want them to.

Perhaps the problem is with the women. They may not have matured enough in their own sense of self to appreciate your authenticity and what you have to offer. Believe me, in ten years you will be the one they are searching for as they say to their friends, "All the good ones are taken..." because guys like you really are in demand - the women your age just haven't realized it yet.

Be honest with the women and tell them you are not interested in being the middle-man. Setting some clear bottom lines for yourself will help you avoid feeling used and abused, which can eventually erode your self-concept.

Meanwhile, hang in there and work on being the best you that you can be.