Conflict: Transforming and Positive Change in a Dysfunctional Relationship.

[blueberry]

I've been in a dysfunctional relationship for over 2 years now that has driven me mad practically the entire time. I've posted about it here before in vain. It was in vain because I had completely denied responsibility for myself, my life, and my behavior. I'm going to be turning 20 this summer, and up until very recently, the way I lived my life was dysfunctional and hopeless because of issues I had from my painful childhood. I was a broken person, helpless to help myself. I was so overtaken by self blame and guilt that from within my relationship, I couldn't heal enough to empower myself. My boyfriend might be classified as the emotionally unavailable type.

As long as I projected my power outside of myself and onto the relationship, I could never find my voice or my true strength. But lately, miraculously, something has changed. I was hitting rock bottom over what was becoming of my life. I couldn't humor myself with hope of things better by themselves any longer. Somebody close to me from my past passed away and for the first time in my life, I was struck with such a sense of TRAGEDY. Nobody close to me has ever died in my adult life, and the grief and shock smacked me so hard in the face that I couldn't hide what I was feeling from myself any longer. Enough was... FINALLY.... enough.

Since these developments, I've been empowered and inspired more than ever. Being free from my overwhelming denial has freed up my resources to be as powerful, intuitive, and understanding as I am capable of being. The level of honesty I've reached with myself is remarkable. I want to share it with the world! Whereas before I isolated myself and couldn't maintain any friendships or conversations, now I am inspired to connect with other people so I can experience the joy of being real with myself to others. It has become so effortless. I want to talk, to communicate, and to share my story! I have found my voice, my patience, and my strength.

I've begun accepting many things about my life, including the state of my relationship. It had gotten very bad between the two of us and we both agreed that it was my fault. I just couldn't keep it together, and my boyfriend just couldn't handle me. The person that he had fallen in love with had been stolen away from him to be replaced by a manic depressive, anxiety ridden crazy woman. But now that I'm healing, I am so full of positive energy. I want to heal our broken relationship so that we can both feel safe and supported within our relationship. Yet, my newfound independence and autonomy strikes a sour chord with him. When I've pressed him to explain himself, he's confessed that he feels like he can't trust me enough to believe in me. He is adverse to having this new me be involved in making decisions or having any kind of power over our lives. I've tried to reassure him that his viewpoints are always important to me, and that taking his feelings on things into consideration is something I'm eager to do.

It just doesn't totally make sense to me. I know he's been very hurt by how wrong our relationship has been in the past, but from where I'm standing, all of those mistakes are learning experiences. I am so ready to get on with my life. To begin it, even! To think about what I want to do and succeed in. Life is exciting now! I think I've communicated these things to him as clearly as I can, but everything he hears is heard from his own filter and he won't even let me close to help him out of his negativity. I want to reassure him that my independence is GOOD for our relationship but while he agrees, his issues still remain. I feel somewhat responsible for his condition because of all of the pain I've created in between us.

It's probably important to note that right before this personal change of mine, I had been seriously considering breaking up with him and moving home just because I couldn't see a way for any of this to ever work. I was hitting rock bottom with everything... my life, our relationship, my past, and my self. And then that death happened to that person close to me and I realized that all of my problems and inner turmoil aren't because of this relationship! I had obsessed over how bad everything was in between us as a way to deny facing what was inside of me. I'm sorry this is so long. I've tried to communicate just the important facts and if I knew all of the answers, it would probably be a LOT shorter! This situation is very new and weird to me. I am residing in my personal power and trusting in myself but it HURTS that I don't have the support of my SO. He doesn't believe in me or trust my ability to live my life with him. And while I'm trying to be understanding, (because there was a lot of s**t to make him feel that way), I can see so clearly how we can move past those illusions and start being real with each other.

Does anybody have any experience or advice with a situation like this? I don't even know how this is likely to turn out. Will time help? How can I help? What can I do to make this easier for both of us?

I don't want to give up the relationship because I know that it has true potential to be something amazing. At the same time though, I want to take care of myself and do what is right for me, and for others as long as that's second.

Thank you for taking the time.

[Alison Jenkins]

Hi Blueberry

It seems as though you have suddenly seen your old life for what it really was and have made radical changes to improve the situation in your relationship and other aspects of your life.

But whilst you have made these radical changes your boyfriend has been left standing still and wondering what on earth is going on. He remembers the old you and is left feeling unsure, not daring to trust the new you and remembering how things used to be. I can't tell you how this will end, but just remain honest and make all the changes that are right for you.

I made radical changes a few years back when I hit rock bottom in my eating disorder - binge eating disorder. I knew life had to change as it was literally killing me. But my husband found it very difficult in the first year as I suddenly seemed to become a different person. We are still together and have a brilliant life together but we have had to work through each of my changes and COMMUNICATE. There are still times when he expects me to act in my old ways and it really does take time for partners to realised we have changed. I've had to understand that and not get upset when he acts in the way he used to do. The essential thing is to keep talking to him, sharing what is going on with you and letting him talk about what it is like for him.

All the best
Alison

[uberinquisitive]

I am residing in my personal power and trusting in myself but it HURTS that I don't have the support of my SO.

This doesn't sound like personal power to me.

I've been recently in your shoes. I stopped contacting the guy about a month ago. Highly unusual behavior for me, the typical "let's talk about it" girl.

Basically, I was tired of spending my precious energy trying to convince him to change his opinion of me. You know what? He's allowed his opinion. I may not agree with it. In fact, I may think he's flat out wrong. But then again - why would I want to be with someone who sees me very differently from how I now see myself?

Instead of trying to convince him, I decided to convince ME. I've spent the last month diligently reading and journaling and doing everything I can to pull my sh*t together. I'm not even worried about him. I can't afford to. I'm trying to steer my ship a whole different direction, and it requires all my godd*mn attention. And...don't I deserve to place myself as first priority?!

The way I see it, I'm in a win-win situation. I focus on myself completely and create a dream life, no matter what. Now, if this guy is a winner, then he'll realize that I'm strong and awesome for making these changes, and come back to me. Or, he'll continue to hold onto the old me. It's his choice. I have no power over him. I only have power over myself.

Either way, focus on yourself. Actions speak louder than words. Consistent actions speak loudest of all.

[blueberry]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

This doesn't sound like personal power to me.

I've been recently in your shoes. I stopped contacting the guy about a month ago. Highly unusual behavior for me, the typical "let's talk about it" girl.

Basically, I was tired of spending my precious energy trying to convince him to change his opinion of me. You know what? He's allowed his opinion. I may not agree with it. In fact, I may think he's flat out wrong. But then again - why would I want to be with someone who sees me very differently from how I now see myself?

Instead of trying to convince him, I decided to convince ME. I've spent the last month diligently reading and journaling and doing everything I can to pull my sh*t together. I'm not even worried about him. I can't afford to. I'm trying to steer my ship a whole different direction, and it requires all my godd*mn attention. And...don't I deserve to place myself as first priority?!

The way I see it, I'm in a win-win situation. I focus on myself completely and create a dream life, no matter what. Now, if this guy is a winner, then he'll realize that I'm strong and awesome for making these changes, and come back to me. Or, he'll continue to hold onto the old me. It's his choice. I have no power over him. I only have power over myself.

Either way, focus on yourself. Actions speak louder than words. Consistent actions speak loudest of all.

wow, I really felt your reply because you just voiced my new attitude to a T! I agree with all of your statements because these are the revelations and changes that have been happening inside me right now.

I've begun detaching and allowing him the right to his opinion and behavior. I've put up boundaries where before there were none so that his business is his and my business is my own.

I think my situation is extra tricky because we live together and before my changes, we hardly socialized at all. He's antisocial by choice and I was antisocial because of how depressed I was in the relationship. We had lived this way for a long time - as long as we have had problems. It also didn't help that I didn't know anybody here because I had moved here to be with him. But when I changed, one thing I could not deny myself was the need to EXPRESS who I was and who I was becoming. My relationship wasn't allowing me to do that, so I made friends outside of it and started talking to other people again. Once I was able to sound my ideas and feelings off others, I became empowered and sorted out enough to start making positive changes in the way I looked at things.

While this was happening, I had to distance myself from my boyfriend to be able to do it. I tried to handle our conflicts as diplomatically as I could, but being new to all of this and under a lot of stress, I could've handled it better.

Anyway, I have no idea what I'd do if I were to move out from living with him. I don't know if I want to go back to my old life in another state or begin a new one here. I've made friends and I'm about to get a job somewhere I would enjoy working. If I were to jump the gun, and separate from my boyfriend by moving out, I wouldn't be able to depend on my living situation and I'm not yet ready to completely throw in the towel.

I've been focusing on myself as much as possible, doing things that are good for me. It's been hard but I've been seeing how strong I really am. I don't want to give up on my boyfriend as a person, because if I did, I would regret not knowing if things could really turn around. I've seen us in very good and complimentary spirits with each other and if that is realistically attainable, I don't want to throw it away. I do want to help him but I still understand that I can't sacrifice my wellbeing out of senseless loyalty to him. I want to give him a calculated chance.

And not just for him but for me. If I can be strong enough to be reasonable and honest with him and have him still refuse to cooperate with me, I would be able to sleep better at night if I end up having to kick him out of my life.

Alison Jenkins: Thank you for your personal experience. I can imagine the toll an eating disorder could have on your relationship.

Thank you both for your replies. I noticed that you both took different paths, but they're still both success stories and that's a big part of my new perspective. I'm learning to let go of my old black and white thinking to consider my options in life... because no matter what I end up doing, it will be successful.

[uberinquisitive]

I don't want to give up on my boyfriend as a person, because if I did, I would regret not knowing if things could really turn around...I do want to help him but I still understand that I can't sacrifice my wellbeing out of senseless loyalty to him. I want to give him a calculated chance.

Wouldn't you be much more capable of giving him a calculated chance later on? When you've got your sh*t together?

You're just starting on this journey of self-actualization - you need ALL the energy you can muster.

But when I changed, one thing I could not deny myself was the need to EXPRESS who I was and who I was becoming. My relationship wasn't allowing me to do that, so I made friends outside of it and started talking to other people again.

Obviously, he's not on this journey with you; basically, he's dead weight.

And not just for him but for me. If I can be strong enough to be reasonable and honest with him and have him still refuse to cooperate with me...

Again, you are placing self-validation on something/someone outside yourself. You're making the relationship the litmus test of "strong enough." This is NOT personal power.

Reality is: he is ALREADY refusing to cooperate with you. He resists you. He is not your #1 cheerleader. He is anti-social and emotionally unavailable, and obviously doing nothing about it.

Trust me - he co-created the dysfunction with you. Don't allow yourself to be a martyr - someone who takes all the blame, like Christ on the cross. Martyr is being a victim - maybe the ultimate victim.

...I would be able to sleep better at night if I end up having to kick him out of my life.

You're not kicking him out of your life. You're focusing on yourself, and allowing him to win you back.

When I stopped talking to my guy, there was no drama. In fact, the last time we interacted was affectionate.

I didn't give a "good-bye, mon amour" speech. I didn't give any speech, period. I just felt tired of the bullsh*t, and stopped contact. It was so simple that it was difficult, if you know what I mean.

Listen, you're how old? 20 years old? Your adult life has just started. You don't know it yet, but you've outgrown your bf. Do you really think you're going to be with him when you're my age (29)? By age 29, you will be so different, you will chuckle when you think about how pressed you were for him.

If I were you, with my 29-yr-old "wisdom" and "perspective," I would immediately start looking for a roommate, and move out. I would take the new job. I would keep making new friends. I would give my bf the chance to woo me, and to date me. But, chances are, I would meet someone more compatible, more in tune with the new me.

[Yellow]

This is quite similar to my situation. I am what I think at the end of dealing with some problems that have persisted for a while in my life. I feel like I am growing into a stronger, more independent person than I was. I was seeing a therapist and what seems like my last meeting with him, made me realize that I need to spend time on my own for my own.

I told my boyfriend that I feel like I will do much better if I am not with him anymore. I want to feel like I have no one to fall back on to really be strong and deal with my life myself. We are having the similar problem everyone who grows out from their older self has. He doesn't see me the way I see myself. Reminds of the Steve Pavlina's article he sent me. I cant find it right now but it's called "Social drag" I think.

Fortunately, he has had a similar thing happen to him. He grew out of his old self and is now a different person from who is used to be. This is before I started seeing him so I am not sure how it feels to be in his shoes. But I am really glad that he understands. I knew that I should take time on my own and spend the energy working on my life but I didn't want to hurt an awesome relationship.

It made things a lot easier when he told me how me working on my life will only make our relationship better. We have a few issues to discuss brought on by some changes that happened really fast and then we are going on a break.

I have been feeling very courageous and genuinely happy ever since I realized that this is probably the end of it all.

It's funny though, I spent last night crying my eyes out about the problems that haven't been resolved yet with family and him. Doesn't make me feel good. I guess I need to take a step asap.

I am happy for you blueberry and uberinquisitive for stepping out and changing. It feels really good to be here, I wonder how it feels to continue to make progress. I am excited for life

[robc]

Originally Posted by blueberry

It just doesn't totally make sense to me. I know he's been very hurt by how wrong our relationship has been in the past, but from where I'm standing, all of those mistakes are learning experiences. I am so ready to get on with my life. To begin it, even! To think about what I want to do and succeed in. Life is exciting now! I think I've communicated these things to him as clearly as I can, but everything he hears is heard from his own filter and he won't even let me close to help him out of his negativity. I want to reassure him that my independence is GOOD for our relationship but while he agrees, his issues still remain. I feel somewhat responsible for his condition because of all of the pain I've created in between us.

I don't want to give up the relationship because I know that it has true potential to be something amazing. At the same time though, I want to take care of myself and do what is right for me, and for others as long as that's second.

Thank you for taking the time.

Change is an incredible thing once you start to experience it in your own life.
When you take responsibility for your actions, really take responsibility, you've achieved clarity into a part of your life that alot of people take for granted. Keep it going, keep pressing forward, maintain the momentum, regardless of what happens in this relationship.

I will give some you advice (take it only as advice, reject or accept it as you will), in a relationship that has experienced alot of bad times & troubles over an extended period of time, alot of negativity has built up and you won't be able to overpower that by yourself anytime soon.

Telling your partner how much you've changed and how the relationship should try a fresh start unfortunately communicates the opposite to him. When you tell someone how much you've changed, particularly someone you may have hurt, you are actually communicating to them how much you haven't changed. You are actually also showing them that you are still wanting to control them & manipulate them because you want things your way and not necessarily their way.

Take into account, if your partner is negative about you, distant and removed from the relationship because of hurtful things in your past together, telling them that you've changed, that you care for them and want to get the relationship working again is pretty much negating their feelings. Your partner probably feels hurt, alot of hurt and doesn't want to hear how great the relationship can be. They're hurting because of how the relationship was. You've probably also told them that you were going to change in the past and you probably failed a few times at that. Basically you have a pattern of behavior of telling them one thing and then doing another. Human beings are all about patterns of behaviors, if one thing I'm certain about, it's this fact alone.

Does that mean you can't change? No, definitely not.
Everyone can change, I'm 100% sure of that too. However changing isn't an easy process, it requires performing things in a different way quite a few times until you've established a pattern of behavior that you're easily able to repeat.

The trust is gone from this relationship. And even though you're convinced that you're 100% better, your partner isn't and telling them you are better and will be better and the relationship will get better negates their feelings, makes them feel like their wrong about how they feel (which reinforces the same negative feelings they experienced from past negative behaviors on your part). Trust can be rebuilt but it takes time and consistent action & behavior on your part.

No more trying (trying is such a shitty word, excuse my french), eliminate TRY from your vocabulary. You will start using the word "DO". Trying implies that you may or will fail, ie. "I'll try to do better next time" tells someone that you will try and fail. But if you start using the word "DO" and start saying & doing things that you mean you will do, it will go a long way to re-establishing trust in the relationship. I will DO better. I DO keep my word. I will change. DO implies success.

What sucks is this will take alot of time to fix what is broken and there are no guarantees in life. If you are true to your word, that you are changed stopped telling them about it, start showing them. Stop looking for their approval, stop clinging to them and being needy and telling them how much you love & need them because at this point, that is the opposite of how they feel for you unfortunately. Be a friend, keep the chit chat small, don't talk about the relationship anymore, talking about the relationship and it's problems is ruining the relationship. Show that you are happy, really be happy too. Show more independance, start going out with friends, start taking better care of yourself, go to a gym, work out, eat healthier, enjoy your work, go out with friends, go shopping and by some new clothes, create a new image for yourself. If you are changed and then be changed, do things different, look differently, act differently, strive for improvement, always press forward. Change isn't a one time thing, it's a continous process and it insures growth on a personal level, don't settle for how you are right now and have the attitude of take it leave it because that will guarantee the latter for sure.

Start with a clean slate by doing this very simple thing but very humbling.
Offer a sincere apology for all the things you've done in the past, it may help to write it down so you know what you're talking about. Here's the catch, don't offer any excuses for what you've done because technically you have none, in the end we're all responsible for our own actions & thoughts, you can't control anyone else except for yourself. Tell him you apologize for doing this, this & that. I know how much it hurt you. I am very sorry for doing this. Tell him that no matter how your life was going at that time, it still doesn't justify your actions and the things you did to him and how you hurt the relationship. Tell him you have no excuses, you made some really bad mistakes and it wasn't because of anything he did because no one forced you to do anything, you made those mistakes on your own. Tell him one day you would like to be forgiven but you understand that alot of what you did hurt him quite a bit and it's very possible that he can't forgive you, all you can do is ask to be forgiven and that you won't hold it against him if he can't forgive you. It hurts to do all this but it's a necessity. Tell him you will stop telling him how much you've changed, if he sees a change in you it means that you've changed, if he doesn't notice a change in you, it means you haven't changed or he doesn't care to notice anymore. Tell him you can't force him to be in this relationship and that you wouldn't want to force him either, you're tired of controlling & manipulating him and won't resort to that anymore. Start limiting your contact with him also, don't try to spend every waking moment with him in person, or on the phone, or texting or emailing, etc. Give him space, some breathing room from the old you and give him time to see if the new you is someone he would enjoy being with.

Take 100% responsibility for the relationship problems. You chose to be in a relationship with this person and part of that means assuming responsibility for it's health. Don't blame him for what he's done, you can't control his actions or his thoughts & ideas, you can only control yourself: your own actions & thoughts & ideas.

Don't tell him you love him, it's probably not what he wants to hear. You can tell him that you care for him and regardless of what happens in the relationship that one day you hope you can be friends if it doesn't work out.

If you can be brave enough to do these things, you'll be on the way to repairing this relationship and implementing powerful positive changes in your own life and that's the most important thing out of all of this. Be a great person for yourself, smile everyday at every opportunity, learn to laugh again, show gratitude for what you have in life and the good things you've experienced, place yourself in alignment with the things you want by being a better person inside & out.

When you figure out how people work and how to be attractive to other people, maintaining healthy relationships become much easier. Spend time in learning more about human nature. Start fulfilling your needs and stop worrying about what you can do for your partner to make him like you again.
In life, what people want can be narrowed to just a few things and everything specific will fall under these categories in some form or fashion.
1. People want what they don't have
2. People don't want to be controlled, manipulated or restricted
3. People love themselves more than anything else.

- Your partner wants a great relationship: whether it be with you or someone else. Maybe not now, but in the future for sure. He doesn't have that now to be sure. That falls under #1.
- Your partner doesn't want to be controlled or restricted: telling him how much you've changed and that the relationship can work if he only tries again is controlling and showing him you haven't changed
- Your partner loves himself very much and as such doesn't want to be hurt again, it will take alot of time to rebuild this trust, don't rush it and get angry when it doesn't happen overnight and don't mention things you've done for him, that will only reinforce that your love comes at a price

This is a long winded post but I'm hoping you got some benefit out of it.

Please feel free to ask more questions or continue posting about your situation, I would be glad to continue writing on this topic if you want to hear more.
Good Luck!!!

[blueberry]

@ robc: that was some very good advice and I put some of it into practice and it showed itself true. we had a conversation where I sincerely apologized and shared my understanding of the difficult time he'd been having and he really appreciated it.

@ uberinquisitive: you were right. by staying with him, I was not taking responsibility for myself. I was just trying to balance responsibility for both of us!

this is a very late reply but I wanted to update this thread because the advice I got here was very sound. as much as I wanted to stay in this relationship and live happily ever after in it, that was an idealized and childish fantasy caused by the very behavior I want to remedy in myself!!

I'm having a very difficult time making my plans work out but nothing will stop me. my boyfriend wants to stop me from doing this by any means necessary and he's been playing manipulative mind games with me while I've been trying to focus on getting my action together. It's hard to stay out of the webs we weave when we talk - any in depth communication makes me feel like my boundaries are being violated and I'm too emotional to restore order. He wants to convince me that he understands my situation better than I do.... which is obviously not true if he can't understand why I need time to get away in order to remember who I am and recover my emotional sanity. I've been in an emotionally compromised head space for a LONG time here and one of my mistakes was to become too enmeshed in him because I felt like I was so weak myself. I became extremely self conscious over his criticism (which he had an overabundance of) and lost all trust in myself and my own judgment. Sound like an unhealthy relationship? there's so much more but it's not necessary. the point is, I've been in EXTREME denial over the nature of this relationship. I was so helpless for myself that I looked to my boyfriend to take care of me. we mutually trained ourselves to control one another to play into our roles. like I said earlier in this thread, until recently, we both agreed all of our problems were my fault. but how could that actually be possible? he constantly tried to fix me by whatever means necessary without being able to empathize with the emotional trauma I had been through before the relationship. and I obsessively focused on fixing our relationship because it was so important to me that we succeed together, I neglected the rest of my life - both inner and outer.

I'm surprised I'm writing so much but it's good to get it out. I got into the habit of journaling regularly, but with all the drama that's unfolded since I decide to leave has been so over the top, I feel like Ive been silenced by stress. and it's so important right now for me to have my priorities straight.

I have some older and responsible friends who live in Georgia, out in the country. They rent a beautiful house, surrounded by nature. There's 1400 acres of hiking land and forests behind the house. It's in a small country town that's a 30 minute drive away from civilization. They have a room for cheap rent available and I've decided to take a sabbatical there.

I'm going to be able to have my life to myself for he first time ever. I am going to courageously go into myself the ways I have been learning here in this difficult situation - and in the peace I will have there, sort out what's me and what's not. I'm so happy to say that I'm ready. There's fear inside of me but I know, know, know, know that this is what I must do and I accept that.

There's incredible magic in OWNING your terrible life circumstances. When I accept it as it is, no matter how bad, how painful, or how life changing it is, my center remains calm inside of me.

I'm going to pursue and clarify my goals for the first time in my life. There's no room for failure. There is no "try", there is only "do".

• I am going to cultivate my inner peace through journaling, meditation, and nature.
• I'm going to take care of my body conscientiously for the first time in my life.
• I am going to be selfish and focus only on the things that are important to me.
• I'm going to repair the broken relationship I have with my parents.... SLOWLY! I'm going to be able to reconnect with old friends I cut out of my life because they didn't fit my relationship.
• I'm going to spend time developing my art and an old friend of mine offered me a chance to illustrate a children's book. I will get half the profits and oversee all of the contracts! - a chance to be a published artist? ridiculous! I'm grateful and if I hadn't made the decision to leave this relationship to focus on myself, I wouldn't have been able to do this.

My life has been in shambles for years. I've been a runaway, a drug addict, a codependent, and *drum roll* a lost soul. I have finally found myself amidst all of the chaos and have come to my senses enough to turn OFF the CHAOS SWITCH in my life's settings.

For my own good, I'm instating a NO CONTACT rule after I leave. I need to learn how to walk on MY path with MY OWN two feet.

Now... if only my car would stop breaking down so I can get it in shape to drive 700 miles! lol First my battery, then my alternator! It's really been crazy making just because I helped myself get to the place of sanity I'm in now by finding reasons to leave my house. I'd go to the park and journal for hours. Since I don't have that and I haven't had a job since I quit because of my injury. Luckily, my parents have no problem helping me out of this mess financially. I'm going to get my car repaired and have the cash to get to Georgia and start my new life there.

ANYWAY! wow, I'm rambling. well, even if nobody reads this, it was a great opportunity to get some stuff out of my head! Stress tends to make me withdraw and I can't even journal or communicate with myself. Having even an imaginary audience really breaks the ice.

THANKS GUYS! Especially uberinquisitive, you're attitude inspired me and I think it fits my situation well.

[robc]

Originally Posted by blueberry

I'm having a very difficult time making my plans work out but nothing will stop me. my boyfriend wants to stop me from doing this by any means necessary and he's been playing manipulative mind games with me while I've been trying to focus on getting my action together. It's hard to stay out of the webs we weave when we talk - any in depth communication makes me feel like my boundaries are being violated and I'm too emotional to restore order. He wants to convince me that he understands my situation better than I do.... which is obviously not true if he can't understand why I need time to get away in order to remember who I am and recover my emotional sanity. I've been in an emotionally compromised head space for a LONG time here and one of my mistakes was to become too enmeshed in him because I felt like I was so weak myself. I became extremely self conscious over his criticism (which he had an overabundance of) and lost all trust in myself and my own judgment. Sound like an unhealthy relationship? there's so much more but it's not necessary. the point is, I've been in EXTREME denial over the nature of this relationship. I was so helpless for myself that I looked to my boyfriend to take care of me. we mutually trained ourselves to control one another to play into our roles. like I said earlier in this thread, until recently, we both agreed all of our problems were my fault. but how could that actually be possible? he constantly tried to fix me by whatever means necessary without being able to empathize with the emotional trauma I had been through before the relationship. and I obsessively focused on fixing our relationship because it was so important to me that we succeed together, I neglected the rest of my life - both inner and outer.

Remember regardless of what your bf does, those are his actions, don't pay any attention to them. Just focus on your own actions & thoughts, those are the only things you have full control over, you can't control what your bf does.

If he pursues this behavior, kindly ask him to stop. Don't argue, don't reason with him why, just tell him that you would like him to stop. Sounds like he has switched gears and is now trying to control you.

That's another funny thing about human nature.
In a relationship where one person originally doesn't want anything to do with their partner, especially even more so when the partner he is rejecting is pursuing him. When the person being rejected stops pursuing their partner, this often creates a vacuum effect. People want what they don't have. Your partner had you, you were pursuing them and telling him how much you've changed and how much you wanted the relationship to work. Now you've switched gears, apologized for what you've done, started limiting your contact with him, plan to move out and be on your own and probably end the relationship. Your partner no longer has you, the dynamic changes and now he is drawn to you, he becomes controlling now, he pursues you now, tells you not to leave, that you can't leave, etc.

He now wants what he doesn't have, in this case, it's you. Truth be told, I expected that to happen. I'm impressed that is happened so quickly, it usually takes a while for that effect to be seen.

You've agreed with his negative feelings, you've stopped arguing with him, he no longer has any resistance to fight against. Continue limiting your contact with him, stop discussing the relationship, do your own thing and focus on you. Be the best you can be for you and don't take him back even if he pleads & begs. You've increased your status in his view and he is probably more attracted to you because of your changes. Now you have to wonder if he is good enough as is to pursue the relationship or if you're better off without him.

I definitely don't like the controlling/manipulative side of his, telling you that you can't do this and can't accomplish what you are trying to do. It's your life, do as you please and don't neglect yourself anymore. In this relationship or any other, place yourself first and it isn't a bad thing to do this either. Maintaining your individuality is an important part and required part of a successful relationship. When in a relationship you don't want total independance or total dependance, you need a healthy interdependance - you somethings for yourself and somethings for him and somethings for the both of you but never neglect doing things for yourself. Maintaining your individuality keeps you interesting, maintains space between you & your partner, allows you to continue growing personally, makes you a better person to be around and increases your overall attractiveness to your partner. Being submissive and doing everything for your partner isn't attractive and you end up feeling neglected, uncared for, develop alot of hurt feelings & animosity and provides fuel for many arguments with your partner.

[blueberry]

Originally Posted by robc

Remember regardless of what your bf does, those are his actions, don't pay any attention to them. Just focus on your own actions & thoughts, those are the only things you have full control over, you can't control what your bf does.

If he pursues this behavior, kindly ask him to stop. Don't argue, don't reason with him why, just tell him that you would like him to stop. Sounds like he has switched gears and is now trying to control you.

That's another funny thing about human nature.
In a relationship where one person originally doesn't want anything to do with their partner, especially even more so when the partner he is rejecting is pursuing him. When the person being rejected stops pursuing their partner, this often creates a vacuum effect. People want what they don't have. Your partner had you, you were pursuing them and telling him how much you've changed and how much you wanted the relationship to work. Now you've switched gears, apologized for what you've done, started limiting your contact with him, plan to move out and be on your own and probably end the relationship. Your partner no longer has you, the dynamic changes and now he is drawn to you, he becomes controlling now, he pursues you now, tells you not to leave, that you can't leave, etc.

He now wants what he doesn't have, in this case, it's you. Truth be told, I expected that to happen. I'm impressed that is happened so quickly, it usually takes a while for that effect to be seen.

You've agreed with his negative feelings, you've stopped arguing with him, he no longer has any resistance to fight against. Continue limiting your contact with him, stop discussing the relationship, do your own thing and focus on you. Be the best you can be for you and don't take him back even if he pleads & begs. You've increased your status in his view and he is probably more attracted to you because of your changes. Now you have to wonder if he is good enough as is to pursue the relationship or if you're better off without him.

I definitely don't like the controlling/manipulative side of his, telling you that you can't do this and can't accomplish what you are trying to do. It's your life, do as you please and don't neglect yourself anymore. In this relationship or any other, place yourself first and it isn't a bad thing to do this either. Maintaining your individuality is an important part and required part of a successful relationship. When in a relationship you don't want total independance or total dependance, you need a healthy interdependance - you somethings for yourself and somethings for him and somethings for the both of you but never neglect doing things for yourself. Maintaining your individuality keeps you interesting, maintains space between you & your partner, allows you to continue growing personally, makes you a better person to be around and increases your overall attractiveness to your partner. Being submissive and doing everything for your partner isn't attractive and you end up feeling neglected, uncared for, develop alot of hurt feelings & animosity and provides fuel for many arguments with your partner.

I agree, thank you for your reply. And argh! it was SO hard to learn all of this the HARD WAY over 2 years.

I've discovered something about my boyfriend that sheds some light on things.... The only way he knows how to actively express his love is through the act of SERVICE. He has compromised his wellbeing to continue this unhealthy relationship with me without seeing any other option. He has a strong urge to take care of me that interferes with me taking care of myself... it's very difficult for me because his drive to assert himself into that position is so strong that sense is left behind.

He turns my words around and asks me why I am "avoiding taking responsibility for myself" by leaving this relationship and living situation. He's taken many stands to convince me that my head isn't to be trusted and that my motives are inherently flawed. It's impossible to argue with him because all of his beliefs make sense in the context of his own mind and i refuse to step into it... because that is not fair ground for me to become empowered. It's my life, my unique dreams, and abilities... and he wants to cast a gigantic shadow over all of that so I become the incapable person that used to need him so desperately.

It's so frustrating because I'm in the process of fixing my car and we're stuck hanging out with eachother all day around the house. I'm trying to get my action together and I keep being circumvented to trying to keep my head straight around his persuasive campaign against me.

It's hard to ask him to do anything, let alone stop, because he will go on to negate my motives with his logic, which strips my words and requests of their validity in his eyes. I can't negotiate with this which is why I need to get out of here. His disregard of my perspective has resulted in the degradation of my self esteem and abuse in the past. I don't want to blame or judge him for that, because I understand that I've trained him to behave that way with me. What's important is what was important the last time I posted.... and that's just doing what I need to do for myself. As long as I can get through this... I can sort out the aftermath afterwards.

[uberinquisitive]

Originally Posted by blueberry

It's my life, my unique dreams, and abilities... and he wants to cast a gigantic shadow over all of that so I become the incapable person that used to need him so desperately.

I doubt he's so devious. You're projecting your own fears onto him, and then scapegoating him.

If you don't like him always harping on you - stay out of the house as many hours a day as possible! It's as easy as that. Hang out at a coffee shop that has wireless. Bring your laptop and do what you usually do. Or go to the library and read. Go see a movie a day, by yourself. Go to a bar at night and meet new people. For very little money, you can keep yourself occupied ALL DAY.

Why are you trying to explain things to him? So he'll understand? Why should he understand? There isn't some law that says he has to understand. He's being himself. You're being yourself.

Let it go.

[blueberry]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

I doubt he's so devious. You're projecting your own fears onto him, and then scapegoating him.

If you don't like him always harping on you - stay out of the house as many hours a day as possible! It's as easy as that. Hang out at a coffee shop that has wireless. Bring your laptop and do what you usually do. Or go to the library and read. Go see a movie a day, by yourself. Go to a bar at night and meet new people. For very little money, you can keep yourself occupied ALL DAY.

Why are you trying to explain things to him? So he'll understand? Why should he understand? There isn't some law that says he has to understand. He's being himself. You're being yourself.

Let it go.

I don't know... you may right. I've been having a really hard time looking at this situation with clarity because it's so emotionally charged for me. I used to be very black and white in my ways of thinking/feeling... and I really want to stay away from that because I know it's not good for me. I'm at my most peaceful when I'm free of blame and judgment.

I just don't know what to make of the relationship I've been in. There are so many unhealthy aspects of it that I've been in denial over. I have trauma issues from my childhood that I haven't gotten treatment for yet and they played a huge role in how our relationship was. I've had horrible experiences in this relationship.....*sigh* I don't even know how to talk about it fairly. It's so complicated. A part of myself is angry because he sidetracked me from getting the help I needed for so long. so much internal conflict... I really just want to do good for myself now.

about leaving the house to get space: that's how I managed to get where I am today... by going to the park, making new friends, and journaling outside. I've been in a hard spot lately though because my car's alternator died and we didn't have any money since I quit my job. I've been working on fixing my car myself because I can't afford to get it done in the shop and I'll be finished tomorrow. until then, I've been having a really hard time just dealing with each day, especially since I'm stuck at home. I'm fixing my car so I can leave.

[blueberry]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

I doubt he's so devious. You're projecting your own fears onto him, and then scapegoating him.

If you don't like him always harping on you - stay out of the house as many hours a day as possible! It's as easy as that. Hang out at a coffee shop that has wireless. Bring your laptop and do what you usually do. Or go to the library and read. Go see a movie a day, by yourself. Go to a bar at night and meet new people. For very little money, you can keep yourself occupied ALL DAY.

Why are you trying to explain things to him? So he'll understand? Why should he understand? There isn't some law that says he has to understand. He's being himself. You're being yourself.

Let it go.

Okay, okay. Today I woke up and I had my head straight. It's so easy to get caught up in the ego driven dance of drama and then occupied by the obsessive calculations and limitations based thinking my mind loves to hijack me with. And god forbid, I forget myself and think I'm a victim.

I get you. I don't want to give anybody here excuses. Especially myself.

You're a harsh lady. I like you. I feel like your posts smack me in the head like Rafiki (the butt monkey) whacks Simba in the head in The Lion King every time he gives stupid answers.

[robc]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

I doubt he's so devious. You're projecting your own fears onto him, and then scapegoating him.

If you don't like him always harping on you - stay out of the house as many hours a day as possible! It's as easy as that. Hang out at a coffee shop that has wireless. Bring your laptop and do what you usually do. Or go to the library and read. Go see a movie a day, by yourself. Go to a bar at night and meet new people. For very little money, you can keep yourself occupied ALL DAY.

Why are you trying to explain things to him? So he'll understand? Why should he understand? There isn't some law that says he has to understand. He's being himself. You're being yourself.

Let it go.

I don't think she is scapegoating him, she pursued him to make the relationship work, she's making changes in her life and he rejected her.
Now that she is trying to make some really big changes in her life and move away, he's seeing that she is serious and is trying to get back what he previously let go of. This is very possible, it's human nature to want what you don't have. He had the relationship, she pursued him, he didn't want her yet, he wanted to dictate the time when the relationship would be healed and ready for him. She changed her mind, decides that she will move away to get a fresh start on a new life, he sees that she is serious and pulling away and now he wants what he can't have. This is very real, I can definitely picture this happening.

If she has to stay out of the house because he's "harping" on her, she loses control of her life. She can't stay at her home because he's arguing with her. I would just say stay at home, ignore him but do you as you please, where you please. Don't get in the habit of conforming to someone else's will to make them happy, make yourself happy, show that you have a backbone, if you have to leave the house just because he is there, he knows he has that effect on you and will continue to do other things to make your life uncomfortable - he knows he has this control over.

You don't need to argue with him, in fact I'll tell you that at this point, an argument will turn into something really heated, given the change in the circumstances, but you don't have to be submissive either. Just ignore him or tell him that you would prefer not to argue and if he wants an argument, you will just ignore him.

[blueberry]

Originally Posted by robc

I don't think she is scapegoating him, she pursued him to make the relationship work, she's making changes in her life and he rejected her.
Now that she is trying to make some really big changes in her life and move away, he's seeing that she is serious and is trying to get back what he previously let go of. This is very possible, it's human nature to want what you don't have. He had the relationship, she pursued him, he didn't want her yet, he wanted to dictate the time when the relationship would be healed and ready for him. She changed her mind, decides that she will move away to get a fresh start on a new life, he sees that she is serious and pulling away and now he wants what he can't have. This is very real, I can definitely picture this happening.

If she has to stay out of the house because he's "harping" on her, she loses control of her life. She can't stay at her home because he's arguing with her. I would just say stay at home, ignore him but do you as you please, where you please. Don't get in the habit of conforming to someone else's will to make them happy, make yourself happy, show that you have a backbone, if you have to leave the house just because he is there, he knows he has that effect on you and will continue to do other things to make your life uncomfortable - he knows he has this control over.

You don't need to argue with him, in fact I'll tell you that at this point, an argument will turn into something really heated, given the change in the circumstances, but you don't have to be submissive either. Just ignore him or tell him that you would prefer not to argue and if he wants an argument, you will just ignore him.

yeah... he IS giving me a hard time, lol.

at first I was kinda taken aback by uberinquisitive's reply because with my car being out of order lately, I simply CAN'T leave the house unless I want to just go sit outside for a bit. but it also hit another note for me.... even if my boyfriend is acting like a TERRIBLE person, I give away my power when I fixate on blaming or judging him. it's a really difficult to keep balanced inside of myself when I'm around him. I've been focusing on working on my car so I can get it in shape to leave but I can't spend the entire day out there.

he works online and he's an unproductive worker so he has a lot of free time which he spends doing nothing. normally, he minds his own business and we're cool with eachother (sort of), but lately he's been sulking a LOT. we stopped arguing a couple days ago because I gave up on trying to make him see the good in what I'm doing. he made it very clear that he thought I was doing the exact opposite of taking responsibility for myself. that... my issues are what are driving me to make this change, not my better judgment. I'm making a big mistake... yadayada. I had to end more than a few conversations by saying "I respect your opinions, I have my own, and we don't really need to discuss this any more." It's hurt me a lot to see that he has no faith in me... but that's okay because I don't need his faith. I have my own.

as of now, he's been passively giving me a hard time every time we interact. he'll walk into the room and ask me what I'm doing even though he isn't even remotely interested and then he'll just stand there las if I'm doing something wrong. I'll ask him if he wants to sit down with me and he'll sit down and sulk. when I stop trying to talk to him (because nothing I say seems to matter), he accuses me of ignoring him. when I try to hang out with him, he doesn't have anything to say and he's obviously displeased.

I feel like he's punishing me. he keeps bringing up how he wants to spend time with me before I go but every time he's around me, he makes no effort whatsoever to be good company. it's messing with my head. I know this is bad for him... I empathize with that. but when I spend a lot of time around him, I empathize a little bit TOO much.... get caught into his moods..... and I forget all about what's important. it sucks. I trust myself to get my head straight after I leave though.

[uberinquisitive]

Originally Posted by blueberry

I simply CAN'T leave the house unless I want to just go sit outside for a bit.

I totally don't believe that. You can take walks. You can call friends and ask to hang out. You can take the bus somewhere. You can rent a car for very cheap (take a taxi or bus to the rent-a-car center).

I feel like he's punishing me. ... it's messing with my head. I know this is bad for him... I empathize with that. but when I spend a lot of time around him, I empathize a little bit TOO much.... get caught into his moods..... and I forget all about what's important. it sucks. I trust myself to get my head straight after I leave though.

I doubt he's actually out to punish you - if anything, he's probably so caught up in his own hurt, that he's only thinking of himself. But YOU'RE interpreting his actions as "he's punishing me."

In the meantime, you can use this challenging situation as your spiritual practice. As Eckhart Tolle says, your true level of consciousness comes out during the tough times. So right now, you can almost thank your bf for pushing your buttons, and use this time to really burn up your ego and pain body.

[blueberry]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

I totally don't believe that. You can take walks. You can call friends and ask to hang out. You can take the bus somewhere. You can rent a car for very cheap (take a taxi or bus to the rent-a-car center).

actually, I only have one friend that I feel comfortable with calling up to hang out and they work 47 hours every week. That means that options to call somebody are limited. Renting a car is an absurd idea considering my situation - I have a car. Also, it's a huge pain to rent a car for anybody under 25. I've been busy using all my free time to finish working on my car and it's probably gonna be done for tomorrow. As for taking a bus somewhere, I just don't see the point. The only place I'd want to go is the bookstore to kill some time. Taking a tiring walk to the closest bus stop, waiting for a bus in a ghetto area, and worrying about bus times kind of kills my cafe buzz. The only things within walking distances are fast food places and a convenience store. I might sound lazy but going so far out of my way to go to a cafe or the bookstore doesn't really make sense to me. I'm happy to go outside with a book and disappear for a while but that's not a reliable solution. anyway, I think it's silly that I'm explaining myself but my point is that I was just venting. getting away time isn't my top priority any more. Getting my act together is.

I doubt he's actually out to punish you - if anything, he's probably so caught up in his own hurt, that he's only thinking of himself. But YOU'RE interpreting his actions as "he's punishing me."

"I feel like..." isn't an accusatory or conclusive thing to say, is it? I phrased it that way on purpose.

In the meantime, you can use this challenging situation as your spiritual practice. As Eckhart Tolle says, your true level of consciousness comes out during the tough times. So right now, you can almost thank your bf for pushing your buttons, and use this time to really burn up your ego and pain body.

Eckart Tolle's work is definitely applicable here. In fact... that might just be the next book I go sit outside with.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by blueberry

That means that options to call somebody are limited.

Yeah, there's only so many people listed in the phone book. Although you can get some interesting results punching random numbers

Renting a car is an absurd idea considering my situation - I have a car.

But it is broken! Renting another car in the interim doesn't sound too absurd to me. Of course, you don't really need a car to go places - it is just a convenient way to travel.

You're the keeper of your own cage... no one else is stopping you from making it bigger or demolishing it altogether.

[blueberry]

I probably should have given more background information about my car situation if it was going to be brought up like this...

my car's alternator went and I had to fix the power steering pump too. I couldn't afford to get it done in the shop so I did it myself instead. I'm very good at finding ways to make space for myself these days, the last handful being the exception because I was sorting out my car's issues

going to the park nearby has been the best medicine but I've also been spending a lot of time in bookstores and over at a friend's house. now that my car is up and running again, I think I'm going to be doing a lot better. My mental sanity degraded A LOT this last week because I had no connection to healthy reality. I wish I had taken more sanity time but the anxiety from not being able to go any where really got to me. I unfortunately participated in a fair amount of negativity with my partner. But now that my main worry is out of the way, I can finally breathe fresh air again. Everything depended on my car being fixed - my plans to leave and my ability to get space for myself.

That sucks and I wish I could've handled it better. But now things are a LOT clearer after exercising my freedom to drive again. I feel like I have no control over my life when I'm stuck at home because this relationship is a totally different frequency than where my head is at.

I've been reminded that I really do have full control over my life. I feel silly that I needed the security of having a working car though.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by blueberry

I feel silly that I needed the security of having a working car though.

Don't fret... we all feel a little silly at times