Dating a girl who just got out of a bad relationship

[derec1121]

Ok, so I've been dating this girl for a couple of months now and she all of the sudden started getting real weird on me. Things were going real well for a while and then she started becoming real distant and I started thinking that maybe she was no longer interested, so I myself started backing off and did not contact her. After a little bit of time, she contacts me and tells me that she misses me and all that good stuff, so I start talking to her again and asking if she wants to find some time to get together. She acts like she does, but blows me off 3 straight times so again I say screw it, and I don't contact her anymore. So yet again after almost a week of no contact she comes around again saying she misses me and she's sorry, and that she just got out of a long and bad relationship 5 months ago and is scared because of it. We had a pretty good conversation and I told her that I understand, but in reality I really don't.
I don't know what this girl wants from me. I have been out of relationships before, but I never start dating another person until I am over the relationship, or just comfortable again in general. I'm already pretty attached to this girl and wish it could work out but I'm not really sure where to go from here since this seems to kind of put a damper on how great things were going before all of this. Part of me wants to just cut things off completely to save myself from disapointment, but another part of me really likes her and wants to try to make things work, even though I really have no idea what to do.

[uberinquisitive]

I've been that girl - so perhaps I can offer my experiences.

I started a new relationship just 4 months after my fiancé committed suicide.

When the guy was nice to me (as all new boyfriends are), I felt suffocated. I didn't have enough emotional space inside myself to deal with another person's needs. He wanted to be close, and I felt a survival instinct to run away. I couldn't help myself. I ended up hurting this guy tremendously.

Right now, this girl is not ready. It's not you - any guy in your situation would be facing the same behaviors from her. What she really needs is time.

I suggest you let her know that you really care about her, and that perhaps you both can revisit the idea of a relationship again in another 6 months. Be clear that you are still interested, but you really feel that this space would benefit you both.

Now, during this 6 months - don't contact her. Even if she contacts you. She needs to use that needy energy to examine herself. If you give her attention, she has an excuse not to do self-work.

If she's someone worth having a relationship with, she will come back to you in 6 months, and love you and appreciate you even more. If she runs off with another guy - then the relationship was doomed anyways.

[Alison Jenkins]

It sounds as though she is terrified of getting hurt again so is keeping the distance to protect her. Part of her wants to be with you but as soon as anything good happens she probably thinks bad is going to follow.

Great advice above

Alison

[oberlee]

I think uberinquisitive is right...

I've been that girl, too, and I while it probably hurts her really badly, she needs time alone. Part of her wants a relationship because she has an emptiness inside of her left over from this bad relationship.

She could be the perfect girl for you, but if you're just filling that void, it won't work. To have it work, you need to be a part of her life as a whole, separate person, coming in a relationship with her as a complete person. Filling voids never works.

[Jennihul]

Got out of a "bad relationship" or was the cause of the "bad relationship?" Big, significant difference.

My advice is: Just don't have any expectations. At least not at this stage.

Keep seeing other people. Don't let her play you. Just remain almost neutral about the "relationship" part of it and you will soon see her truth. Then you can judge whether she is a keeper or a psycho.


Jennifer