Child Free by Choice Anyone??

[VetTechJess]

I was recently reading about a growing trend of ppl deciding not to have children when they marry--which is perfectly okay with me....I'm not going to judge them. I was wondering what the other advantages are and how you deal with the comments from others about how you "should" have children.....

I don't know if I want children or not. Its not that my BF would make a horrible father or anything, its just that I like my peace and quiet. Not to mention all of my friends and family members who have children already look overworked, stressed, and unhappy. I don't know if I want that!

Also I take a medication that can cause severe birth defects and even death in unborn children. Its an antiseizure medication and I don't want to switch off it to another medication because this medication has gotten my seizures under control where I have been seizure free since 1999...I don't want to risk lowering seizure threshold just to experiment to see if a medication works or not....

Also Ive heard horror stories of sleepless nights. My seizure threshold is more at a dangerous level when I have lack of sleep. Also the crying and attention that children require day in and day out don't appeal to me that much at this point in my life. I also don't want to be in the position of the threat of divorce after the last child graduates high school like my father did to my mother and me....(long story, don't ask, I will explain in a different thread)

It seems to me that ppl married with no children may actually be happier and have less divorce rates than their baby fever counterparts.

The way I see it, I've reincarnated on this earth X number of different times, which I am guaranteed that atleast half or more of those times I had children. So what difference does it make??

I also don't like dealing with bratty unruly children...the well behaved kind are a different story....I don't mind the well behaved kind...but the bad behaved kind.....lets just say I don't like being around the bad behaved kind.....

Any advice?!

[jawillie]

My husband and I are childfree by choice.

I wouldn't say we are happier than couples with kids, and I can guarantee you they think we are miserable ~ which is also not true. It is just a choice we made. We don't "hate" kids. I love kids, actually, and my passion is bringing quality to the childcare world through natural playgrounds and through my new business I am starting. I can't do both,though. I can't give myself to kids all day and raise a family. Well, let me re-phrase that; I CAN do both, but I am choosing not to do both.

Our family is fine with it. They know how we feel. We just don't want to experience that aspect of life. You don't *have to* experience "having kids." THose with kids have no clue how we can choose such a thing, and that is fine. As long as they don't judge us, we won't judge them for their reasons for having kids. It's personal choice.

Having a child should be a personal choice. Only you can decide what is right for you.

I think a lot of people who don't want kids just want someone to tell them it is OKAY. So, I will say it... is is OKAY to choose to not have kids.

[PianoManGidley]

Having children becomes more of an option as technology and society progresses to a state where children are less of an assett and more of a liability. I remember learning this in basic sociology in college. Back in the 19th and early 20th centuries in America, for example, more children meant more labor, meaning the family was better taken care of. Moreover, as many diseases were still rampant back then (yellow fever, polio, etc.), there was a much higher death rate among children, so it was better (and therefore common) for families to have 8 to 15 children or more. Nowadays, society is vastly different--we are much more adept (and expected) at taking care of ourselves in a financial sense, and with child labor laws in place, the reasons to have children have changed to more lofty (yet arguably somewhat conservative) ideals such as carrying on the family name, leaving a legacy, or what have you.

Ultimately, the primary reason to have children will always be, of course, the innate desire to perpetuate the species. It's odd, though, that so many of us can, even in such a current age as ours (where we are still very underdeveloped), deny that primal urge to procreate...at least as far as producing actual children goes.

[Marco Polo]

If my circumstances are favourable to make it happen, I want at least 2-3 children of my own. However, I'm still young and that prospect may be far off.

I can totally understand why some people would skip the whole family-life thing. Looking at my brother struggling with it, it's not easy to be a family man and dedicate yourself to work at the same time.

However, I do believe wanting babies is more than just a primal urge. I mean, logically we need 2.1 babies/woman or we perish, that's just simple mathematics. If everybody suddenly says "well, they're too much of a liability" and don't make babies, well eventually there would be no one left to enjoy a career oriented, child free life, would there?

So I guess I'm saying I believe in individual choice, but also in our continued existence (not that the extinction of Homo Sapiens is imminent or anything).

[jonarmis]

It's your personal choice and people should respect if you opt out having children within your marriage. If both of you are happy that way, so be it. People will not judge you badly for choosing to be child-free, it's not revolting against morals, nor does it violate any norm or rule of law. Bottom line is,we are all free to make choices!

[ogrekilleat]

VetTechJess:

...which I am guaranteed that atleast half or more of those times I had children.

Lol, how's that?

Marco Polo:

logically we need 2.1 babies/woman or we perish, that's just simple mathematics.

It seems like we could have a declining population from our current level for quite some time before that's an issue.

PianoManGidley:

more lofty...ideals such as carrying on the family name, leaving a legacy

By lofty, I hope you mean the 'affected' definition rather than the 'of high moral value' definition, because they seem no more moral or less self-serving than the previous motives.

[DayInTheLife]

I had never questioned my desire to have children until recently.

A highly-respected user on another message board stated that he thinks having children in this day and age is rather selfish. My first reaction was anger, because I know many wonderful people with children.

But then I thought about it more. If you examine the real reasons people have children, none of them are honest efforts to make the world a better place.

Really, why do people in western society (where we don't need them as assets) bring children into an overpopulated world?

-Obviously we have a physical desire to reproduce, but that is just a biological urge, and contraceptives are available.

-I suppose some people really believe they are genetically or behaviorally elite and it is their duty to raise children because they can do better than others.

-Some may be looking to give meaning to their life

-Others may be saddened that they have lost their youth and want to experience it again vicariously through their children

-I do know people who have had children because they feel like that's what they are supposed to do at their age

-And of course many people have kids unintentionally

All of those reasons strike me as selfish, or at least irrational. I am no longer sure I will have children; it used to be a given for me.

If children were brought into the world by an act of pure reason alone, would the human race continue to exist? Would a man rather have so much sympathy with the coming generation, as to spare it the burden of existence? Or at any rate not take it upon himself to impose that burden upon it in cold blood. ~Arthur Schopenhauer

[Ninja]

CF for teh win!

No, seriously now. I'm CF and plan to get my tubes tied one day. For now, I like staying on the Pill because it helps against cramps and let's me plan my periods. And to get my tubes tied AND stay on the pill... well, there is such a thing as overkill

I like children (well behaved ones, that is), but not 24/7. I need my peace and quiet and most importantly: my freedom. I'm a 'free spirit' as others often describe me. I don't even want to own my own home for this reason! I don't like anything that ties me to a place for a long period of time, and I don't want to make a kid go to a new school and lose all their friends every three years.

I also want to be a writer. I did Steve's exercise to find my purpose in life and mine is "to create worlds". Writing is what makes me get up in the morning and it's what I would like to do all day if I could. Having to watch a child, especially a young one, will not help matters. Also, pregnancy can permanently affect the brain: just the risk of getting 'mom-nesia' alone is enough to send me running to the nearest drugstore for condoms and a supply of Plan B. There are plenty of succesful female writers who are also mothers, but I doubt I could do both and not lose my sanity. I'm just not wired like that.

Money: it's a bit of an addition to the above point, but money is a problem. Let's face it: writing is not something you should do to get-rich-quick. Though it is possible to live off your writing (and I intend to!), it often takes years before you get to the point where your royalties can cover your expenses. The lower I keep my expenses, the faster I will get to the point where I can write full-time. And let's face it: offspring aint free!

Environment: for a dominant species such as humans, there are far too many of us walking around on this planet. I see in my own country (the Netherlands) all the time: the roads are clogged, the trains are full, there is a massive house-shortage and they are already discussing building an artificial island in the shape of a tulip. The madness has to stop!

[PianoManGidley]

Originally Posted by DayInTheLife

-Some may be looking to give meaning to their life

I fail to see how this reason would be selfish or irrational. If one feels the need to nurture offspring, would that necessarily become a selfish purpose? Wouldn't this be an example of Steve's STO aligning with STS?

[Ninja]

Originally Posted by PianoManGidley

I fail to see how this reason would be selfish or irrational. If one feels the need to nurture offspring, would that necessarily become a selfish purpose? Wouldn't this be an example of Steve's STO aligning with STS?

Not if they truly want to raise children. That's just as valid a lifepurpose as mastering the art of toenail painting.

However, it happens a lot that people are in a rut, have no idea what to do with their life and then just decide to have a baby because they can't come up with anything else. Children should be raised out of love, not out of boredom.

[Jennihul]

No one except my ex-mother in law was annoying about my not having kids. But it was because I couldn't stand her son, so what could I say?

My now husband and I are childless by circumstance. We thought it would be nice and tried. I had several miscarriages and decided it was a sign to not have children. I was never obsessively maternal and would never imagine allowing science to take over my life just to have a kid or two.

We have the fortune of being in the center of two groups of good friends. Many in their 20's and 30's and many in their 50's. As the younger ones have kids, they are naturally hanging out with others who have kids. The ones who don't have kids gravitate toward us and our older friend group. It's just a natural part of life.

But no one has ever "bothered" us about not having kids. They ask. I say none. They move on.

I mean who, besides my annoying ex mother in law, would ever get that personal?

I've never felt I had to explain myself.

Jennifer

[DayInTheLife]

Originally Posted by PianoManGidley

I fail to see how this reason would be selfish or irrational. If one feels the need to nurture offspring, would that necessarily become a selfish purpose?

If somebody feels a lack of purpose in their life, it is IMHO wrong to have a child in the hopes of creating that purpose. Children born for this reason often become receptacles for endless affection and gifts so that the parent can feel like they matter. I have seen it happen many times, even in my own extended family. The child is loved, of course, but the parents soon may find they do not suddenly feel fulfilled in the way that they hoped.

Almost all of us feel a need to procreate; it is hardwired into us biologically like no other trait. I'm trying to say that we seldom question that impulse, and perhaps we should, for the sake of our society, which has become overpopulated and dysfunctional.

[Ninja]

Originally Posted by DayInTheLife

If somebody feels a lack of purpose in their life, it is IMHO wrong to have a child in the hopes of creating that purpose. Children born for this reason often become receptacles for endless affection and gifts so that the parent can feel like they matter. I have seen it happen many times, even in my own extended family. The child is loved, of course, but the parents soon may find they do not suddenly feel fulfilled in the way that they hoped.

Almost all of us feel a need to procreate; it is hardwired into us biologically like no other trait. I'm trying to say that we seldom question that impulse, and perhaps we should, for the sake of our society, which has become overpopulated and dysfunctional.

I think this is one of the biggest problems of society today. Children are so hyped up, like your life could never possibly be complete without one... or more! Poor Junior can't grow up without a sibling right? That would be abuse!

In fact, I believe that many people (especially women) don't even have a biological clock that suddenly starts ticking. They are being brainwashed into fooling themselves they have one. There are people who really desire a child, but I think there are even more that tricked themselves into believing they want to be a parent, because "that's just what people do".

[C33]

This is a great thread.

I am child free by choice now, but before that I was childfree by circumstances( not having found a man who could qualify as a father). I used to have dreams about being a mom in my early 20s, but I always pictured it as happening AFTER having reached my personal and professional goals.

In my late 20s, I realised, after having taken care of over 100 kids as a nanny, babysitter, teacher...that I didn't want kids. It's not the kids I don't want, as I love children, but it's the sort of life you lead when you have them.
Also, I am more a lover than a mother, more a creator than a procreator and do not have the need to take care of someone to feel whole or complete.

I do feel a lot of love towards children and a responsibility towards them, as far as not giving them a world that's shitty and polluted.

I don't think children should be a career choice, or a form of therapy, where your aborted dreams, lack of ambition, unfulfilled promises have to be realised through the medium of another human being;

I think it's better to opt out than to have to look a child in the eyes and say: because of you I could never do this and that...or you are breaking my heart because you were supposed to do X,Y,Z to make me happy.

I think that if you really love children, you will find a way to be in their lives, be around them and make a difference no matter what your title will be: mommy,auntie, teacher, friend, substitute granny...

There is no shortage of children and certainly they need all the love they can get.

[Jennihul]

Before you have your own, why not recycle one that already exists?

Jennifer

[Little Deb]

I have never wanted kids. I have loathed babies and small children ever since I can remember, prefering the company of (intelligent)adults. All I ever wanted in life was a great career, a nice place to live, and some good friends to travel with. Ironically, although I have managed to travel a bit by myself or with the odd boyfriend, I currently work at a Dairy Queen, live in a crummy batchelor suite apartment, and call very few of my aquaintances friends. (Most of my co-workers are single mom types who think they're oh-so-superior to me. Forget about suggesting I 'help out" to get to know them. They really do not think I'm "cool" enough to share their precious company. I guess its that I don't go out and get drunk in bars. And I can afford to actually invest a portion of the meager salary I earn for retirement, etc., and just make an effort to live a healthier life than they do, and all that.) Anyway, I don't even date because...well, just because. There are children in my life, however. My brother got married and had three kids 16 years ago. I can't say that my life would be less rich without them - would have just got to be better friends with my sisiter-inlaw, another Queen Mommy- but they are family members worth tolerating in so far as they keep me company when I visit. All in all, one thing I can say is that at least there will be some money in my bank account so that i won't have to live off beans when I'm old.

[MariaG]

I've consciously chosen not to have children. I'm not married, but am in a long-term cohabitating relationship and my SO doesn't want children either.

To be honest, it's a lifestyle choice. I've known a few couples who don't have children and they seem better able to live the type of lifestyle that I want. I have many friends with children and while I don't doubt that they love their kids more than anything I wouldn't want to trade them!

In addition, if there is a motherhood instinct, I seem to lack it. I've never looked at a baby and thought "I want one of those."

I'm young enough that people don't give me too hard a time about being child-free yet. Also, I have 2 sisters so I can leave it up to them to have the grandkids, which helps with my mom quite a bit!