Deadbeat Dads?

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

You don't know me and I don't appreciate you presuming to tell me what I would and would not say were the situation reversed. I do care for Amadeus very much and the portion you've quoted was not the extent of my contribution to this thread. We've derailed from talking solely about Amadeus and that is sad because he did come here to talk about his situation.

As for Amadeus and his diagnosis of Aspergers -- I have worked with children with Aspergers and Autism. It is very difficult for them to understand and maneuver social situations. I am sorry that your marriage is ending Amadeus and I do hope that you will be able to work out spending a great deal of time with your daughter. I know that she can feel that you love her. My whole point is not to fall into the victim role. Assert what you want and work hard to get it.

But I really don't think you have the experience to know the depth of his children's feelings. Everyone has "worked with" or "baby-sat" kids, but until you've been a parent, you have no idea how difficult this is for him OR his kids. I know you're trying to help, but don't think you really understand, because you can't. You don't have the experience.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

Are you a parent? If you're not, you have no idea what's good for a child. If you are, I'm surprised you would think that it could ever be better to have only one parent around. Two parents is always better. There is more support. When one gets tired or has lost perspective, the other can help. It's a lot of work raising a child and two caring people always makes it easier. I'm sorry, but that's true. I'm happily married with a child, but I still see his point. You are missing his point. He's not talking about the jerks. He's talking about the nice guys who get stuck in this unfortunate circumstance. Nice guys in this situation who want to be with their child get screwed. The woman will almost always get the children and the nice guy misses out on everything with his children. He could be the best parent in the world, but if his wife gets tired of him, she holds all the cards. She knows she'll get the kids and he'll pay her the money she needs. She doesn't have to miss out on anything with the children. Obviously, with the jerk fathers who don't care, the woman is screwed, but this guy is talking about nice guys and he's absolutely right.

Since Amadeus can't answer, I'll be really clear that I am speaking about how what he said came across to me. I didn't miss his point at all. It sounded like he was boo-hooing about being labeled a deadbeat dad. And my point is that if you aren't one, there's nothing to worry about. I advised him that if he doesn't want to miss out on his kid's life, then fight for his rights. If he just assumes the same as you have that the woman will get everything and that he can't win, then he will suffer. But he can go to court, and if he's really the kind of stand up guy he claims to be, he will not be parted from his children. In addition, the situation with his wife appears amicable, and no where did he say that she intended to prevent him from seeing his kid. I don't recall him even implying it. He was lamenting how horrible it is for good dads out there and I told him not to be a victim, but to stand up for himself. Is that a problem?

I am not a parent, but that doesn't mean I have no idea what's good for a child, or that my opinion is immediately invalid. In addition, being a parent doesn't mean that you automatically know what's better for a child. There are a lot of people who do have kids who would agree with me. I could have qualified my statement by saying that in crappy situations it's not always better that both parents be around. Would you prefer that a woman stay with her abusive husband because that's better for the kids? Oh, sorry, no, you were talking about nice guys. Well, I don't think that it's good for a child to grow up in a situation where one parent doesn't want to be married to the other anymore. Do you recognize the kind of environment that creates? Do you actually think "stay together for the kids" is something to adhere to? I've observed a ton of families in my time working with kids and most times they fared better after the divorce. From my own personal experience, living in a family filled with strife is very detrimental. I know that nothing I have to say will mean anything to you since I have no children of my own, but this is not a point of view I just pulled out of my ass.

I'm not really sure why you've decided to dig up this thread just to tell me that I can't know anything since I don't have my own children. I stand by what I said.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

But I really don't think you have the experience to know the depth of his children's feelings. Everyone has "worked with" or "baby-sat" kids, but until you've been a parent, you have no idea how difficult this is for him OR his kids. I know you're trying to help, but don't think you really understand, because you can't. You don't have the experience.

Again, this is not a few babysitting gigs. I have worked full time with children for 9 years and been very involved in those families. New parents have come to me for advice knowing that I have more experience than they do. However, it's futile to argue this point with you because in being a parent for a year or two, you already know everything there is to know about kids and I know nothing. I loved my kids as my own and would have stepped in front of a bus for any one of them. When I have my own children I'll get back to you, but please don't presume to understand my experience in the same way you assume I can't understand Amadeus'.

I don't presume to know how Amadeus feels. I expressed my sincere wish that he would be okay and find the best way to work through this. Are you going to go back and ask everyone who contributed to this thread to say whether they have kids or not, or are you intent on picking on me for some particular reason. My advice wouldn't change when I have kids. Bet on it.

[robc]

What happened?
He was senior member of this forum, does anyone know what happened?
It's sad to see him kicked out, he participated regularly in these forums.