"Everybody is hitting on you with pejorative questions" -Social Pattern.

[Alex2007]

Hello guys.

I don't know what happens sometimes or how we call this kind of social behaviour.

You are sitting with a group of people, lets say colleagues at work. Somebody starts a joke with you, you are not in the mood but you try to return the joke just not to seem too moody and "rude". For example today I was looking for something in my personal leather bag and somebody joked with me like this: "I am wondering what you are always carrying in that bag:". I replied: "Mostly personal staf". Then she provoked me like...."What staf? Come on show us what a man you are!". I tried to return her joke by saying: "What do you want? To show you my CONDOMS?"

By that time many colleagues started asking me funny questions that I was not in the mood to answer. Like, "How many bottles of wine have you drug, before you come here", it was like hitting at me, I joked once, but I was not in the mood to confront their stupid personal jokes. They were too many, and I started taking it a bit personally.

I know, many people are unconcious and any time with them is a waste of time. I am funny, but I hate when somebody takes advantage of it. I like jokes, and funny things, and teases that are not personal. Sometimes I feel people, trying to push my buttons and take me to the limits.

Ah. Ok I should be careful of unconcious behaviour. People want you to be as sad as them. So sometimes is good, to be selective with who you deal with on a friendly level and who you need to keep at distant -(at least emotionally). When somebody (from outside your friend zone) makes a personal/ indiscreet remark to you of the type: "What is it, in your bag?" You kindly and assertively reply, "This is not your business"..... (not food for laughter)

Yes people are unconsious, and they need to feed their egos! You need to know how to protect yourself from them.

Have you experienced that before? How was that?

Thanks for sharing your views.

Alex

[Angela]

Alex, I read the perfect comeback (I think it was in a Jane Austen novel!):

"Please do not trouble yourself on my account in this matter."

Which roughly translates (in a funny way!) as: "Mind your own business, you snoopy Snoopus!"

Now that I think about it, "Mind your own business, you snoopy Snoopus!" might be the perfect thing to say, too! With a big smile on your face, of course.

[dancer]

Perhaps, she was flirting with you, Alex. Or she wants to lighten things up, especially if it is a stressful work environment.

Telling people to mind their own business with a huge grin on your face, works very well. Sometimes, I say it even if I'm happy to share whatever it is they are asking.

[Alex2007]

Hi People. Thanks for your remarks

I know it is important to forgive people and keep the smile on your face, because sometimes they are in stress and they don;t know what they say. They want somebody to make them forget and laugh.

On the other hand it is important to "Cut it" in a polite way, when you are not in the mood.

What to say?

Remain still, and be yourself. "Cut it" or at least try to remove your self from situations that you don't like.


Alex

[Alex2007]

And to give an advise to myself before I sleep.

2 things.

1st Don't give a **** of what you have said or if it was proper or not. Perhaps you said a bull****, but who gives a ****? Life is a bull**** if you think it twice.

2nd What matters, is to keep an enlighted, still, conscious mental frame. If this means that you need to move yourself away from unconcious people in order to avoid their infection and maintain such an enlighted, still, mental frame then just do it.

But it is important (this is an advice to myself) that you don't bother your mind with thoughts related to you have said or done in the past. This is irrelevant. See what is best for your self and others in general. Limit your social cycle if necessary and be assertive with those who are.... like angela said ..... "snoopy Snoopus".....

haha. Now I feel better....CAPUT....!
Alex
.

[Jennihul]

It's the perogative of the friends of a man who carries any kind of man bag to harrass him. It's a man law.

Maybe you just have weird friends. But my husband's friends do that kind of thing with each other all the time. Teasing, prodding, poking. It's how they discover the limits of your dickiness, ie: weakness. If they reach the limit, in our friend group, it had better not be too soon or you will be shunned. It's the new millennium version of sparring. Just safer than with broadswords.

Jennifer

[Alex2007]

Originally Posted by Jennihul

It's the perogative of the friends of a man who carries any kind of man bag to harrass him. It's a man law.

Maybe you just have weird friends. But my husband's friends do that kind of thing with each other all the time. Teasing, prodding, poking. It's how they discover the limits of your dickiness, ie: weakness. If they reach the limit, in our friend group, it had better not be too soon or you will be shunned. It's the new millennium version of sparring. Just safer than with broadswords.

Jennifer

Thanks. I don't want to fight. Does this prove my manhood? If no, then I don't give a ****. Thanks all for trying so hard to establish their big egos... Problem is that I don't have one, so I let everybody know that they need to cool down a bit! At times I feel I am not into that game. So I want to let everybody comfortably feel supperior than me and they are always right and they are very funny. It is not more than a thought at the end of the day so who gives a ****?

I surrender to society's bull**** and misery, and it seems like I have started to enjoy it lately. I don't have other choice.

ThankZZZZ
Alex

[nikita]

When someone is invading my level of comfort unnecessarily or disrespectfully, I turn it around on them so that they realize the innappropriateness of their behavior. If someone was wondering what was in my bag, and asked me, "I wonder what it is you're always carrying in that bag," I would hold the bag out to them and say "why don't you take a look." No one will take the bag. Now they're in the hot seat. If you really don't want her to see what's in there, and you're afraid that she might actually be shameless enough to take it, then make a light-hearted joke. Say something like, "oh you know, high heeled shoes, mini-skirt, lip stick, tampons, the usual." (Like stuff she would probably have in her purse, which would make her realize that she doesn't want people going through her stuff).

[Vasilisa]

Sometimes you have to fight.
Not always, but sometimes if you give a good response people will not want to mess with you any more.
Also if you can't find right words just make a serious face (like you are upset) and don't laugh with everybody else. Show that you don't think their jokes are all that funny and you don't enjoy being laughed at.
And behave distant with the person who picked on you for some time.
I think it will be enough.

[dancer]

Originally Posted by Alex2007

Thanks. I don't want to fight. Does this prove my manhood? If no, then I don't give a ****. Thanks all for trying so hard to establish their big egos... Problem is that I don't have one, so I let everybody know that they need to cool down a bit! At times I feel I am not into that game. So I want to let everybody comfortably feel supperior than me and they are always right and they are very funny. It is not more than a thought at the end of the day so who gives a ****?

I surrender to society's bull**** and misery, and it seems like I have started to enjoy it lately. I don't have other choice.

ThankZZZZ
Alex

Are you sure it is not your ego that is all unconscious, here? It is not my intention to attack you, but by some of your comments above, I recognise ego in action.

Do you feel inferior to all the people that are hitting on you? Why do you consider society, as a whole, as bull**** and misery? It sounds like your ego is judging, otherwise you would not feel picked on.

If you are feeling picked on, I am sorry and hope you can see that no one can pick on you if you do not believe you are worthy of being picked on.

[Alex2007]

Originally Posted by dancer

...It is not my intention to attack you, but by some of your comments above, I recognise ego in action.....

You sound like you have an Ego ready for an argument. Find someone else please. I am not into that mood. ThankZ

[Jennihul]

But if you don't play the game, you often play alone. You ready for that?

I am not into ego games but I adapt myself, to a degree, to the company I am with. It's not a compromise of my values, it's an adjustment in the language we are speaking. Nothing more sinister.

Jennifer

[Vasilisa]

After reading this thread I got picked on at work severl times by the way. Seemed like every boss I have wanted to say something "smart" to me.
LOA at work!

[dancer]

Originally Posted by Alex2007

You sound like you have an Ego ready for an argument. Find someone else please. I am not into that mood. ThankZ

Listen

[silicon toad2000]

I find it's exactly as jennihul put it, it's the new sparring. They throw up awkward questions to see where you fit in the social pecking order. Just an extension of high school really and those people generally only populate the lower echelons of the workforce, they don't have the maturity to climb the ladder. Give it time, soon the only question you'll be getting from people like that is asking how you take your coffee.
On a personal note, those probing questions used to get a reply from me as far out of left field as possible. really dumb, corny responses that leave no room for response other than a laugh. Anything else leaves them looking nasty and petty in front of their peers.
The most recent question like this I have been asked was what I was doing at work late at night (I often work late and disturb the late shift in the factory) I said that there was stuff needed doing so some smarty pipes up and suggests I was bringing girls back. I told him that I didn't need to bring girls back as we had five girls and a monkey locked in the boardroom and it was my night to feed them, which was fine until some nut gave the lactose intolerant monkey some cheese... that was a mess.
There was nowhere for him to go after that, he could either laugh it off or go after me and look nasty in front of his friends.

[Alex2007]

Originally Posted by silicon toad2000

There was nowhere for him to go after that, he could either laugh it off or go after me and look nasty in front of his friends.

Sometimes when you appear moody and don't answer their stupid questions, you look like the bad, in front of their peers. I think it is good to give them an answer that doesn't leave space for further bullying. Like, "I don't understand what you really mean. Can you elaborate please?". This puts them back to their right position.

[Jennihul]

Ok, Alex, I assumed you had a nice deep relationship with your friends, like my husband does with his friends. They will be friends for life and none of them are going to be baristas, I can assure you of that. As well, it has nothing to do with social pecking order. These people, no matter now much money they ever make or don't make, are at the same level.

But not one of them is lacking a sense of humor either. Nor a sense of confidence. Nor lacking in the concept of comraderie. Nor so sure of their superiority over the others that they can't stand good natured ribbing.

...really dumb, corny responses that leave no room for response other than a laugh. Anything else leaves them looking nasty and petty in front of their peers.

That's the key right there.

As far as this:

"I don't understand what you really mean. Can you elaborate please?".

unless you said that with a huge **** eating grin on your face, you would be being petty and probably not be asked to the next happy hour.



I gave you advice too advanced for your current state. My apologies. I would delete it but others may learn from it.


Jennifer

[Alex2007]

Originally Posted by Jennihul

As far as this: unless you said that with a huge **** eating grin on your face, you would be being petty and probably not be asked to the next happy hour.

I will give them the great smile, but I shouldn't give a **** if I was asked to the next happy hour!!!

Originally Posted by Jennihul

I gave you advice too advanced for your current state. My apologies. I would delete it but others may learn from it.
Jennifer

Its ok, but people, sometimes like to tease at the wrong times.

Alex