Leaving commited relationship

[timeline]

Hello all,

I've decided to put an end to a relationship that doesn't make me feel like in the relationship I want. Unfortunately things are not that easy, we live together and this year we planned to marry. Things are very involved at the least.

The thing is, my left brain tells me that breaking up is the right thing for me and her to do. These thoughts are activated in my mind when I am away from her, like right now when I am at work. My best friend advised me that it will be better for me to give up this commited relationship also. I guess it's another left brain.

But when I am home with her the right brain gets activated. The moment I am trying to discuss things like these I feel very bad, I think I still love her somehow, it breaks my heart when I see her suffering. Like yesterday evening we had (another) fight and I said that maybe we are not that compatible personalities as we thought at first. She said she can't believe that I am thinking that far. Then we make up and leave it as it is.

So how to break up? How to find the power to resist? I want to make it as painless as possible for her and me. I even found an article over the internet saying that a way is to stop communicating and the relationship will fall apart by itself but I think this is a ruthless way to end a relationship.

Thank you all!

[SystemsThinker]

Hey there,

Having been caught up many times in push-pull relationships where I felt so torn about staying or leaving, I really relate to your struggle here. What helped most for me was a lot of research into topics like codependence, Borderline Personality Disorder, love addiction and several fields that explain the deep reasons why we are attracted to particular people and what the very purpose of relationships are.

I just wrote a post that is detailed and covers most of what I know about these issues. It's called Choosing Intimate Partners: To Repeat or Not to Repeat?. It might give you some more ideas about whether to stay or go (I've been dealing with the same question yet again lately).

Whether you do stay or go, now is a great time to gain insight about yourself and your relationship style that will help you for years to come. There are also a lot of resources available through that post that you might find useful. They are some of the most important things I've ever read.

Hope this helps my friend.

[timeline]

Thanks for the information SystemsThinker but it doens't answer my question, I want to leave, the question is how to do it!

[SystemsThinker]

It sounded from your post like you were really torn between whether to leave or not at various times. So I wasn't sure if you were definitely sure your decision was final. I also thought the discussion of the "power struggle" phase in my post might make you consider some things about the situation in a new light.

If you're really sure you want to leave, then I suppose it comes down simply to an issue of communication - literally how to inform her. I doubt there is any way to do it painlessly. The best advice I'd have on that is to focus on expressing your feelings and needs and on listening to her feelings and needs. When I say that, I mean literally focus on just expressing your emotions, for example "I feel uncomfortable in the relationship because I really need X, Y and Z, and at the same time I feel really sad about it." Let her express her feelings and needs too and show that you do care about them.

One other thing I'd say is that I know in breakups for me, the hardest thing has been how it can make you question your self-esteem. So if there is a way you can really make sure she understands that it isn't about her worth as a person, without sounding phony or patronizing about it, that might help reduce some of the pain. She is going to probably wonder why you'd leave her if she was "good enough." If you can possibly separate your leaving from her self-worth for her, it might save her a little grief.

Hope some of this helps. If you have any more questions, feel free.

[Green]

hello timeline,

i will not give you an advice but i was there before in her situation not yours unfortunately i was in a relation with someone and as in the east it doesnt need to live together to be committed, we were somehow as engaged my mum and brothers knew about him his mother and brothers knew as well. there was no many fights between us the thing is that he felt at a point of time that i am not the one, he started to talk to one other girl he was in love with her before getting to know me i discovered and i was so stupid to forgive him and think it was just a mistake then we continued. then out of a sudden for four or five days he disappeared he didnt try to see me and we were seeing eachother nearly every other day and also no phone calls from him and frankly it shocked me the way he acted i was about to make a very big accident but thanks to god i was saved, it was the worst way someone may leave other one and you know when i called and insisited to sit together to talk he said he was planning to travel to london and it seemed i am not in his plan at all.
of course this was a lie and i stayed for weeks not believing what really happened or how it happened, but then after it was much better to me to know he isnt in love with me i had the chance to meet someone who loves me more. yes sometimes deep inside i feel that i hate that person so much that he hurted me badly but others i just wish him good life and smile, at the end each one of us will have his life and will have another partner. i wrote this all just to tell you dont ever think to stop communicating with her this is the worst way to give her up you might drive her crazy that way. tell her you need time to think, talk with her this is the best way while talking you may discover you love her and need her or she may understand you dont fit eachother anymore. hope this would be of help to her.

[carenkh]

Your actions are going to cause pain; there's no way around that. I know I, personally, would most appreciate someone coming to me in honesty, telling me their feelings clearly - no games or not communicating. It sounds like this is a decision that you've come to on your own, though, without telling her your doubts all along?

I'm asking because I did that once to a man I lived with - basically came home one day, telling him I wanted to break up. I didn't give him a chance to have any input, or try to find a way to work things out. I really regret this, now. Not that I want to be with him, but to at least have gotten everything out in the open - my feelings, our situation, etc. It was a cold way to deal with another person! I was young.

[robc]

Originally Posted by timeline

Hello all,

I've decided to put an end to a relationship that doesn't make me feel like in the relationship I want. Unfortunately things are not that easy, we live together and this year we planned to marry. Things are very involved at the least.

The thing is, my left brain tells me that breaking up is the right thing for me and her to do. These thoughts are activated in my mind when I am away from her, like right now when I am at work. My best friend advised me that it will be better for me to give up this commited relationship also. I guess it's another left brain.

But when I am home with her the right brain gets activated. The moment I am trying to discuss things like these I feel very bad, I think I still love her somehow, it breaks my heart when I see her suffering. Like yesterday evening we had (another) fight and I said that maybe we are not that compatible personalities as we thought at first. She said she can't believe that I am thinking that far. Then we make up and leave it as it is.

So how to break up? How to find the power to resist? I want to make it as painless as possible for her and me. I even found an article over the internet saying that a way is to stop communicating and the relationship will fall apart by itself but I think this is a ruthless way to end a relationship.

Thank you all!

If you're looking for compatible personalities, try e-harmony but don't hold your breath. I have a friend that used e-harmony and he got together with the most compatible person on his list, he was very unhappy, she wasn't anything he was looking.

Be careful of what you ask for, you may end up getting it and not like what you end up with... in the end. (OK, how many times can I say "end" in the same sentence?)

Relationships don't fail. A relationship is really just a title or an inanimate object. The people inside the relationship fail.

I would challenge you to question a few things about yourself and your partner. You actually considered marriage so I have to assume you love her and she loves you - I think that's a fair assumption. So you have a bond of some sort. Now this relationship isn't giving you what you want anymore. Is it because she is too needy & clingy? Have you lost the feelings you once had? Do you argue too much? What is it in you that tells you that you don't want to be with this person?

Don't look at the problems from just your point of view. Step outside yourself and see the problems from her point of view. Have a real discussion, ask her why she is feeling the way she feels. Take responsibility for the relationship, it could be that you're doing something that is causing problems in your relationship and you may be totally oblivious to the problem.

Are there certain problems or details that you're leaving out.
Has one of you been unfaithful, abusive? Are you trying to change the other person or vice versa? Do you complain alot about the relationship or what she should be doing or vice versa? Are you discussing the relationship too much with your partner and focusing only on the negatives - that's a sure fire way to make it crash. Why not focus on the fun aspects of it? Before people end a relationship, I always urge them to make it the best possible relationship it can be and that means being the best partner you can be. Before you assume that you are doing all these things, take a step back and be real - are there things that you could be doing to make the relationship better or do you just complain about how bad it is?

Make your relationship the best it can be. If you can do that and it still doesn't work out, you will at least be better equipped to handle your next relationship.

If you don't attempt to make it great while you're still in this relationship, you are doomed to repeat these mistakes and go through the same problems again with your next partner. And don't listen to friends or family concerning your relationship, you're in it, ultimately you have to make the decision as to what to do with it - no one else is in this relationship except for you & your partner.

Focus on what you can do for the relationship, not what your partner can do.
Be loving, friendly, stop arguing - in fact stop it altogether. If your partner starts an argument, just agree 100% with whatever she has to say even if you don't believe it to be true. Because in reality, she could be 5, 10, 20 or even 30% right about what she's saying and if that's the case, she is right regardless to what degree she is correct. Agree with her about everything, put a smile on your face and just try it. The idea is this, if you agree with her instead of arguing with her, you will not pose resistance to her thoughts & feelings, if you agree with them on a regular basis, she will feel safer & more secure with you and you will notice that she will even come to your defense on a specific issue when you take it on the chin.

Don't stop being an individual either, focus on your personal time away from your partner. You don't want to be dependant of each other, or too independant of each other, you want a healthy interdepedance. Get her to do more stuff on her own, get her to go out with her friends and again do the same for yourself. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, give yourselves some space, it can be easy to grow tired of each other when you're in each other's faces 24/7.

There is so much more I could say on this topic.

Quitting is the easiest thing to do by far - I'll grant you that.
But it's also habit forming, you start that pattern you will no doubt repeat it in the future. When things get tough, you will just cut your losses and head for the door.

Fix the relationship by being the best person you can be for the relationship and the best person you can be for yourself. If you do this correctly, you will draw out the better side of the partner that you once fell in love with. Don't try to change them, you can't change them, you can only change yourself.

Make your relationship the best it can be and definitely do this before you get married. If you try honestly and still fail, well at least you gave it the right energy and tried to make it work and you did this before you got married.

Take responsibility for the state of the relationship you're in right now, regardless of what she has done, you're part of it too, just remember that.
Let us know how it works out or if you want to give us more details.

[robc]

When you criticize, you’re working at improving your mate. When you complain to your partner, you’re working at improving her. When you argue, you’re working at improving her. When you try to reason with her, you are trying to change/improve her. You are working at changing them. And it’s that working at changing them that is the problem.

The only way to prove the above is to stop doing what you're doing. Stop all of that working, attempting to improve & change her. Just allow and accept her 100%, whatever she thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay. Don't resist any of what she does or says. You do that you will see them improve themselves. Their argument & negative feelings towards you will fade away because they need something in you to fight with. Sincerely see what’s on their side, sincerely agree with them, lovingly and sincerely go one 100% their way. I'm pretty much certain that doing this will change the situation you're in, there will be nothing for your partner's negative feelings to build on.

When there is no one to argue with, no one to be angry at, you allow for the opposite to flourish: happy, loving, caring, nurturing.

It takes time, there is no overnight cure but it does work.

It requires you to change every pre-conceived notion in your head about how the relationship should work.

It requires you to be strong and take on full responsibility of the relationship but doing this over time will remove that burden from your shoulders and place the load on both of you and it will be much easier to get through anything.

It is very hard to accomplish this, but it isn't impossible. I guess you have to determine if you really want to do this or not. I think you kind of do, I don't think you would have posted on the internet if a part of you didn't want to stay with your partner and work it out. You don't need the approval of strangers on the internet to end your relationship, I think you did want to hear one opinion of what it may take to fix your problems and get back what you once had with your partner.

In the end it's up to you.

[skywalker160]

This is a joke, hope you laugh.

Do what Homer Simpson told Bart to do when he wanted to get rid of the teacher he was writing love letters too.

Write her a letter that says I am Gay.

I hope this makes you feel better.

BTW

You've just gotta learn to be stern. It's your life remember.

Jonathan.

[timeline]

Thanks robc for the wise words.

Yes it is true that I am not 100% convinced that I want to leave but with every day chances continue to grow in favor of leaving.

Unfortunately I don't think I will try your way, if I think she makes things the wrong way then I bring it to her attention, if she refuses to deal with it the right way (not my way) then I criticize her and will hold my position. That's how I view things and I'm content with this attitude.

[robc]

and that is specifically one of the problems you will have to deal with in this relationship or the next.

- No one will fit your specific viewpoint perfectly,
because of that and you're unwillingness to change, you set up a pattern of behavior for yourself to repeat this routine in the future.

I'm not wishing you bad things, I'm just merely pointing out that you will repeat this behavior in the future.

For now, getting married is the last thing to do.
Postpone it/cancel it. Get your head on straight and think about what I've written.

You aren't forced to be in any relationship but if you are going to be in relationship and commit to one that possibly leads to marriage & children, you have to be willing to accept the responsibility of the health of the relationship, 100% on your shoulders. Does this absolve your partner of responsibility towards the relationship? Definitely not. But you can't control her actions or thoughts, you can only control your own. Unwillingness to change is a definite problem and it leads to conflict.

You will repeat this pattern of behavior because your attitude is that you are right and she is wrong. It will happen with your next partner and possibly the partner after that until you realize that change is essential. Having to change your behavior & attitudes toward a relationship and your obligations/responsibilities isn't a bad thing. Change is growth, growth is positive, growth reveals untapped potential, potential realized will make you a greater man than you currently are and you will realize that improvements lead to riches in other areas of your life but that will never come about if you continue to think to yourself, you're as good as you need to be and that's good enough for everyone else too.

Work is required to reap the benefits of this, no one says this stuff would be easy, they just said it would be worth it.

The question remaining is how many good things can you handle? Your existing beliefs & actions limit your existing life, continue this way and you'll never realize how good it can be.

Divorce rates are skyrocketing, especially for 2nd & 3rd marriages.
Ever wonder why that is? When people go from one relationship to the next without learning what they did wrong and how they contributed to the problems, they repeat the same mistakes again and continue to blame their partner.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over again and expecting different results - that's why people who divorce & remarry end up with a higher divorce rate in their 2nd & 3rd marriages: everyone believes it's their partners fault when in the end we can only fault ourselves and what we weren't willing to do.

Ultimately the choice is yours and you have to live with your actions... but it couldn't hurt to change a little bit just to see what might happen.

As you can tell, I'm very fascinated by this topic, there is so much potential in this area for improvement. We should be teaching this to our children in schools, unfortunately no one is taught decent relationship skills (except for at home and alot of us know how great that was) and we feel bad when we fail but it happens quite frequently because we're not equipped with the right knowledge, tools & skillset to do any better.

It's like cutting a huge oak tree down with a worn out butter knife, it's possible you might succeed but you will give up because it's too frustrating to accomplish this task without having the right tools & knowledge to perform the job.

Good luck, please keep posting more info if you do decide to do something differently.

[timeline]

Thank you robc! I think now I understand better what you meant in the first place. I will let you know how I will deal with this.

[robc]

If you have any questions or want to fill us in with more details on the relationship, please reply back.

I'll help in anyway I can, I definitely have more info on this topic, like I said, relationship repair is fascinating, mostly because the way to accomplish it is untapped, uncommon knowledge regardless of how many relationship counsellors there are working in the world, for the most part, the information they give to people is crap and it's definitely not real world.

The things I've learned on this topic isn't common sense, it's the opposite of what you will hear from a counsellor and for the most part it will work, the only limiting factor is your effort & determination.

Human nature is such an interesting subject!