Flirting but was all a lie?? How is one supposed to feel?

[Selmanito]

Been getting closer with this girl who was just a family friend but then after months of messeging eachother (facebook) when i moved back to ENgland, we met up, and flirting increased by a 10000000% like i have never before witnessed.

I ask her if she has a bf, and if shes interested (i ask just in a flirty way, because i assumed we were together by the situation). She tells me shes not ready for anyone and guys have messed around with her too much. And then says sorry.

Ive been through hell before many times, and i thought i was much tougher after lots of self development tactics and my confidence boost and everything, i was full of gratitude for life and everything.

RIght now im broken completly. In shock at the types of girls that can exist... And thinking what i done wrong? Im confused what i miss?

My question is, how does one handle this? I mean the gratitude feeling Steve talks about in his article for Gratitude, for enjoying the graphics of life even if your losing, just happy to be alive and stuff. I cant get myself to do that and its affecting everyone around me (parents), it just happened yesterday and i still feel that empty chested feeling..and its not stopping.

[Jennihul]

Even with love, which fairytales tell us is supposed to be "true" and "perfect" and on some magical level beyond what we mere mortals normally deal with, regular rules don't apply and all that blah, blah...you can't lose yourself in it.

Your 'attachment to the outcome' of this pseudo-relationship is your problem. Before it was even real, you made it real in your head/heart. You basically fooled yourself because, like any drug, it felt good. You were in reality at the heavy flirting stage which means nothing. Flirting is flirting. Flirting is fun. It feels good. Until one of the flirtees assumes it's a relationship. Then everyone has to feel bad because someone must burst the bubble or else both must step into the next stage. You are wrong to be shocked at the kind of girls that exist. The problem wasn't her. It was you. You assumed there was something when there was only flirting.

Flirting can go on forever and be suitable to both parties if that is what they both want. You wanted more than the other could give.

Rejection sucks. There is no way around it. Dust yourself off and move on.

Jennifer

[Plato]

I like the fact you talk about gratitude- it's a great thing and I'm glad you've reminded me of it too. The thing that strikes me about gratitude is that you must be grateful for everything- and that includes your challenges, set backs and lessons. And that's exactly the most productive way to look at this.

Whatever happens, you shouldn't blaim her for anything because it doesn't achieve anything apart from you feeling sorry for yourself and honestly- she didn't do anything wrong. Maybe it was ON but something happened to ruin it- I could speculate about what that was and so could you. However, the best thing you can do is move on. Don't get hung up on this one girl, and don't label her a "bitch" or whatever because only losers get bitter when a girl isn't into them and you're better than that, or you wouldn't be here.

Interesting site Real Social Dynamics Nation - Powered by vBulletin

[Selmanito]

Okay then..... thnx

[Selmanito]

Originally Posted by Plato

I like the fact you talk about gratitude- it's a great thing and I'm glad you've reminded me of it too. The thing that strikes me about gratitude is that you must be grateful for everything- and that includes your challenges, set backs and lessons. And that's exactly the most productive way to look at this.

Whatever happens, you shouldn't blaim her for anything because it doesn't achieve anything apart from you feeling sorry for yourself and honestly- she didn't do anything wrong. Maybe it was ON but something happened to ruin it- I could speculate about what that was and so could you. However, the best thing you can do is move on. Don't get hung up on this one girl, and don't label her a "bitch" or whatever because only losers get bitter when a girl isn't into them and you're better than that, or you wouldn't be here.

Interesting site Real Social Dynamics Nation - Powered by vBulletin

Yes i agree with you. No i am not labelling her anything, i care for her, just cant do anything about it now. Thats all.. And im sure its my fault, just its so confusing when u get a surge of overwhelming feelings from all directions.

Thank u

[jamestl2]

I feel like I've just been through a VERY similar situation as you. Except in my case the woman had a BF she didn't tell me about (even when I asked her out).

Anyways, I've gotten some wonderful advice on the threads I've created about them if you wanted to have a look :
How to Fall out of Love (or never in love so quickly)
Can we really trust anyone else?

[skywalker160]

Hi.

I flirted with this chick (among others) for a couple of months. She finally invites me to an island resort for a dirty weekend. It was ages away.

She didn't turn up.

I tried calling and got chick nonsense. Oh my phones broken, oh i'll be there in a minute. blah.

I went out looking for somebody else that very night.

My advice to you is get over it. That's the game of love and you can't let one bad egg spoil your omelette.

Jonathan

[dancer]

Flirting doesn't have to mean you want to have wild passionate sex with someone or enter into a relationship etc., it can also just be social banter. I flirt with both sexes and all ages. Flirting with old people is fun, but by no means do I want anymore than the social exchange. I think the key is to recognise sexual tension.

[Jennihul]

I flirt with my husband and I flirt with his friends. It's not dirty with them. Innuendo. Silliness. It's not a means to an end. Just me saying to them 'you are a flirtable person.'

If done right, everyone feels a little uplifted for having had the experience. A little ego stroke.

There have been flirt duels, though. When one skilled in the ways of flirt confronts another master, the flirting can degrade into a sort of contest to see who will push the limits and chicken out first. I have learned that in that case people don't generally leave feeling uplifted. Especially the spouse. Not a good idea.


Jennifer

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Jennihul

Even with love, which fairytales tell us is supposed to be "true" and "perfect" and on some magical level beyond what we mere mortals normally deal with, regular rules don't apply and all that blah, blah...you can't lose yourself in it.

Your 'attachment to the outcome' of this pseudo-relationship is your problem. Before it was even real, you made it real in your head/heart. You basically fooled yourself because, like any drug, it felt good. You were in reality at the heavy flirting stage which means nothing. Flirting is flirting. Flirting is fun. It feels good. Until one of the flirtees assumes it's a relationship. Then everyone has to feel bad because someone must burst the bubble or else both must step into the next stage. You are wrong to be shocked at the kind of girls that exist. The problem wasn't her. It was you. You assumed there was something when there was only flirting.

Flirting can go on forever and be suitable to both parties if that is what they both want. You wanted more than the other could give.

Rejection sucks. There is no way around it. Dust yourself off and move on.

Jennifer

I have to disagree with this. When i flirt with someone,it means i like them and want to proceed to the next level. Why would you flirt with someone when you dont like them?

[dancer]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I have to disagree with this. When i flirt with someone,it means i like them and want to proceed to the next level. Why would you flirt with someone when you dont like them?

That's just it, I flirt with people I like. For me, flirting doesn't have to be about sexual attraction, it can just be social playfulness.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by dancer

That's just it, I flirt with people I like. For me, flirting doesn't have to be about sexual attraction, it can just be social playfulness.

Right on, Dancer! Flirting is fun!! It's recognizing your relatedness and saying, "let's play" to the vitality you find in others. That can be sexy, sure, but it doesn't require sexiness. You can flirt with the opposite sex or with the same sex or with dogs and babies. Babies! Is there anything more fun than flirting with babies?!

When you're flirting and you expect something or feel entitled to something, or you use flirting to *get* something or to *make something happen*, that takes all the fun out of it.

Flirting is not a promise, it's a dance!

[Parthon]

I have to agree, flirting is just flirting, and when you don't attach anything to flirting it becomes light and fun.

It's a pain in the butt when expectations don't match up with reality and it really hurts especially when there's romance involved.

The only advice I can give you is to take everything at face value. She flirted with you because you're a friend who is very flirtable by the sounds of it, and she liked you. Furthur to that she said that she's not ready to go out with anyone and that guys have messed her around. Take her by her word, she wasn't playing mind games and she wasn't meaning to mess you around either. She was just socially flirting with a friend without any attachments.

Being in a very similar situation about 9 months ago, a friend of mine said to me "I like you, but I'm not ready for a relationship right now.", so I didn't ask her out. It turns out she did want me to ask her out, and that by the time I found that out she wasn't speaking to me.

So in that respect, perhaps your friend does want to go out with you, but doesn't want to take it into a relationship due to past experiences. Perhaps take her on a date instead. A no now doesn't mean a no forever.

[Rockchick26]

Wow...i feel like im on another planet after reading these replies! i don't know anybody that doesn't consider flirting a way to make someone know you like them. I mean LIKE them as in,you wanna kiss them. I think of flirting as like winking at them,"accidently" brushing your skin against theirs,or making sexual comments. I sure wouldn't do those things with a baby or an elderly person or a dog LOL

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I think of flirting as like winking at them,"accidently" brushing your skin against theirs,or making sexual comments. I sure wouldn't do those things with a baby or an elderly person or a dog LOL

With serious intentions like yours, it's not really flirtation, which is playful and not so serious in its intention. What you are thinking of sounds more like seduction. When you're first getting to know someone, if you come across seductively, it does tend to feel like you are making a promise and trying to *get* something, and it does tend to interfere with real connection aside from sexual.

Maybe that's what Selmanito meant when he said "flirtation" -- the girl maybe was behaving seductively.

[Enrim]

So then what is flirtation?

[Parthon]

I looked up the definition on google.

Flirt:
1. To make amorous advances without serious intentions.
2. To treat lightly or flippantly.

I think that's pretty straight forward.

Friendly banter, smiling, winking, waving, being nice, and touching lightly can all be considered forms of flirting, but I wouldn't consider them to be forms of seduction. I guess it all depends on how much importance you attach to flirting and seduction.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Parthon

I looked up the definition on google.

Flirt:
1. To make amorous advances without serious intentions.
2. To treat lightly or flippantly.

I think that's pretty straight forward.

Friendly banter, smiling, winking, waving, being nice, and touching lightly can all be considered forms of flirting, but I wouldn't consider them to be forms of seduction. I guess it all depends on how much importance you attach to flirting and seduction.

4 out of those 6 examples,i do to EVERYONE! but i would never consider myself a flirt...i guess its all in how we're raised or what we are used to being around. Cuz to me,flirting is only sexual things. Things you wouldn't do with anyone but someone you were romantically interested in. I thought seducing was when you ARE going to have sex with them,and you're pretty much taking control of the situation.

[Yellow]

Originally Posted by Selmanito

Yes i agree with you. No i am not labelling her anything, i care for her, just cant do anything about it now. Thats all.. And im sure its my fault, just its so confusing when u get a surge of overwhelming feelings from all directions.

Thank u

NO, NO, No, it's not your fault.

The amount of flirting you said she was doing really doesn't sound like social flirting. It's upto you to determine what kind of flirting it was. A very similar thing happened to a girlfriend of mine. The were flirting but when it actually came up, the guy blatantly refused it, he said he was joking. JOKING?

I am sorry you have to go through this. I have no idea how one can get over it. She severed all contact with him because she was very hurt.

Take care.

[Stephen]

Originally Posted by Angela

Right on, Dancer! Flirting is fun!! It's recognizing your relatedness and saying, "let's play" to the vitality you find in others.

Define flirting? I always thought it was more than a dance; something more like a whisper in the ear.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Parthon

I looked up the definition on google.

Flirt:
1. To make amorous advances without serious intentions.
2. To treat lightly or flippantly.

I think that's pretty straight forward.

Friendly banter, smiling, winking, waving, being nice, and touching lightly can all be considered forms of flirting, but I wouldn't consider them to be forms of seduction. I guess it all depends on how much importance you attach to flirting and seduction.

Yeah, all of that doesn't mean you're intending to have sex with the person. If you're doing it with the intent to get something sexual going, then you're seducing, not flirting.

It's a measure of social intelligence and maturity to be able to tell the difference (both when you're the flirter/seducer or the flirtee/seducee, but some people do try to "cheat" and pretend like their flirting when they're really seducing or vice-versa, and that can be pretty awful. My impression is that Selmanito's girl is in that sort of "cheating" period, where's she wants to feel better about the "wrongs" men have done her by feeling her desirability without taking responsibility for how she engages the poor saps who fall for it. (that's just a guess, of course; I don't know this girl).

Selmanito, you could reclaim your power by recognizing that the girl is expressing her own old pain and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. If you were to get involved with her while she still in the process of working this through, you can expect to experience a whole lot of confusion and mixed messages. If you're feeling powerful and compassionate, go for it; but don't expect it to be a LLTMBR.*

*Loving, long-term, mutually beneficial relationship.

[GoingPrimal]

I haven't read all the replies but the one thing I'd like to tell you Selmanito is this - Whenever you meet a girl, whether you flirt with her, date her or even marry her, NEVER THINK THAT YOU OWN HER. I'm not saying you did think you owned her but I realized that in my previous relationship I thought I owned the girl. When we split I was DEVASTATED. You only own yourself.

None of this is your fault either.

[GoingPrimal]

And about flirting - I agree with Angela here, you can flirt with anyone you want to. It's a type of playful interaction. The only way I can describe it is like being a little aloof, and it's a little like fighting - you take a stab, you retreat, they stab, you stab back, so on... Of course with positive, playful stabs.

And flirting can most definitely be sexual. It's all about the undertones you have going on.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by GoingPrimal

And flirting can most definitely be sexual. It's all about the undertones you have going on.

I like Stephen's "whisper in your ear" metaphor, and I like your "martial art" metaphor, too, GoingPrimal!

I think it's all in your intent -- are you generating something, or are you trying to *get* something that you don't already have?

[Stephen]

Originally Posted by Angela

I like Stephen's "whisper in your ear" metaphor, and I like your "martial art" metaphor, too, GoingPrimal!

I think it's all in your intent -- are you generating something, or are you trying to *get* something that you don't already have?

Quite possibly its just a bit of fun; a personal thing between two people, unknown to others. In a way it might raise the self esteem of both parties as they feel 'wanted' or 'sexually attractive'; either by looks or by word.

It may be a nice feeling to be a recipient, but your partner might not be too happy. Hence my first sentence above.

[Stephen]

I just wanted to post an addendum to my last comment above.

This thread got me thinking quite a bit and I'm not sure where I strike my peg on it.
Nevertheless, what people I think should be aware of are the differences in long term relationships built up by years of compromise, fun, tears, joy, sorrow, laughter, fights, reconcilliations, children, deaths, marriages etcetera.

and

Short term attractions that are as elusive as wisps of cloud floating buy on a breeze.

The problem with flirting, especially that flirting that is done face to face (ie in the same physical space as opposed to remote flirting say by electronic means in a different space and time) is that the human body, though tempered by years of morality and ethical boundaries, is still prone to instinctive acts of sexual combustion; leading to acts of gratifying short term pleasure but resulting in something akin to post traumatic stress disorder - years of regret, fear, worry, avoidance.

I am of course referring to flirting where one flirtee(?) is in a stable, happy relationship.

Distant fields always look greener, but opportunity lies right where you are. Robert Collier