Mindblowing revelation re: guys!

[fascinoma]

I used to avoid like the plague, dating guys who had a lot of friends and ran with their "wolf pack" of buddies, and did the fishing trips/hunting trips, etc. I was hurt by these types in my early 20s because they're usually not ready for a relationship in their early 20s, or needy enough to get into one anyway. One of these that I shied away from was someone I really felt a profound connection with.

So my last few partners were people who didn't have many friends, or a life.

I'm a writer and artist, and enjoy spending weekends with family or going out on my own. My last few partners have been extremely needy. I've struggled with time jealousy, not being able to hyperfocus enough on my projects, and partners even being jealous of my family members. I've struggled with not having enough time for my own friends in addition to work and everything else. I've struggled with my partners not HAVING friends (at all, sometimes). I've struggled with my partners wanting to completely mesh with me. I haven't written a single thing since being with my present partner.

If I'd gone with the "going fishin' with the buddies" types, I would've had the time to myself to do what I needed to do... what seemed horrible in my early twenties seems wonderful in my thirties.

[Jennihul]

Cool.

My first marriage was a reflection of my own dysfunctions. Even my dyfunction to blame my partner indirectly for my own dysfunctions. So I needed him to reflect my better self and when he didn't it was obviously his fault. Not that he didn't have his own. Divorce was inevitable.

But somewhere between him and my current husband, thank God, I had similar growth and epiphanies to yours.

My husband golfs and would golf everyday if I didn't tell him not to. Bowls, hangs out with friends. Plays poker. My friends are his friends. His friends are my friends. We do a ton together as well.

But my alone time when he is playing manly games is so important to me I actually get mad if he doesn't do that stuff. He laughs about me trying to get rid of him.

Jennifer

[tommyboy567]

its not just guys that aren't ready. i would stay the majority of those kind of people that aren't ready for relationships are girls.

[SeanFu]

I hear that, I've actually tossed the same issue as the OP around in my head for the past few years. I want both

A) Time for myself

and

B) Time with partner

So, I guess it's all personal preference. If I could find a 50/50 ratio, it would be wonderful lol.

[Jennihul]

He's extremely social and I am less so but more than when I met him. He rubbed off on me.

But there are times when he is gone too often. There are times when it would be nice to just have him here or when I am out and I would rather be home with him.

Better than not giving a crap where he is or what he is doing, like so many jaded relationships.

It doesn't take a lot of work, I find, but one must make their preferences known clearly.

Jennifer

[SeanFu]

I wonder if it's the "you want what you can't have" concerning sometimes wanting your partner to be around, while other times wanting to be alone without your partner. It could be that simple.

[Jennihul]

Sometimes you just need your baby close.

Jennifer