What do I do about my insecurity?

[25AndJustBeginning]

I have a tendency to be ambiguous about things but right now I realize the value and actually want to be completely candid to overcome this. I am insecure. I finally realize it and it's affecting my ability to maintain a healthy relationship.

I'm not sure exactly how to say this best so I'm just gonna kick the bucket over and try to organize it the best I can...
Some times I spend time w/ her when I don't want to just so she won't go out and do something that makes me feel anxious.
I constantly fear losing her because I'm not good enough and so I try to be perfect rather than just being myself & handling the things that need to be handled.
I frequently imagine scenarios of her cheating; of me showing up and finding some guy at her apartment. This is a big one. This is also just one example, I imagine other cheating scenarios too.
I frequently worry about her talking to other guys.
I have very little confidence in myself and am rarely able to adopt the mindset that "If she wants to be w/ me then she will, if not then she won't."
I feel incredibly anxious when I think about her checking out other guys.

What do I do about all of this? Occasionally I am in the frame of mind where I feel confident in us, confident in the relationship, but it's usually only when things are good between us and when we're together (physically). When an issue arises I start worrying about the current issue and then I come up w/ other things to worry about, about issues from the past. I really need some advice right now. Anything at all will be appreciated. Thx.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Insecurity is a nasty beast, isn't it? The list you've written out here could describe me to a T...except gender reversed. Actually I never thought that guys had these same deep insecurities to the point of imagining scenarios all the time. Really, I thought that was just me .

Originally Posted by 25AndJustBeginning

Some times I spend time w/ her when I don't want to just so she won't go out and do something that makes me feel anxious.
I constantly fear losing her because I'm not good enough and so I try to be perfect rather than just being myself & handling the things that need to be handled.
I frequently imagine scenarios of her cheating; of me showing up and finding some guy at her apartment. This is a big one. This is also just one example, I imagine other cheating scenarios too.
I frequently worry about her talking to other guys.
I have very little confidence in myself and am rarely able to adopt the mindset that "If she wants to be w/ me then she will, if not then she won't."
I feel incredibly anxious when I think about her checking out other guys.

I would invite you to join us over in the Allowing Vulnerability thread, specifically the post where Angela gives a checklist to follow in recognizing and dismantling beliefs here: Allowing Vulnerability. That would be a good start. I've been on a path to beating insecurity for a while now. If you work on it you will be able to get past it.

I send you lots of support right now. I know how it feels to me -- really crappy -- so I think I have an idea of how tough this is for you. You will get lots of great advice here. And you can do it!

Also, read I Need Your Love by Byron Katie. Do the Work. Big help.

[Alison Jenkins]

Are you aware of what specifically has caused you to feel this way. Often it will relate back to childhood issues but not always.

One exercise that really works is looking at all the alternative solutions there can be, so for example she's not cheating but having her hair done, seeing her girlfriends, late cos she's stuck in traffic. Also look at the evidence you have rather than what your head is telling you.

CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) has some excellent techniques to help you. Maybe you would consider having some professional help if the insecurities are causing a big impact on your life.

Alison

[GoingPrimal]

Hey man. Last relationship I had, I was in the exact same situ. Too much worrying, too much fretting... I realized that I too would make excuses so that there would be no other guys present. She was a looker for sure, and a big flirt on top of that.

It took me a LONG time after we broke up for me to realize something - I thought I owned her, and I never wanted to share her. I'm only 18 so I haven't had any relationships yet where the underlying tone wasn't "OWNERSHIP". That's just how relationships were with the girls I've dated so far, and I look forward to a more mature relationship, from both her and me.

The fact is, I don't own anyone and no one owns me.

Another thing I realized was the pure ADDICTION I had to this girl. I just recently saw her for the first time in a few months and all the old feelings came RUSHING BACK. There's no reason for it except that she was like a DRUG and that I was ADDICTED.

The best advice I can give is to find your identity and happiness from yourself. Try your best to get out of the ownership mindset, or to stay out of it if you currently aren't in it. And realize that this girl is probably just as awesome as you think she is, but that she is not the only one.

Best of luck man.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, 25. I've just had a chance to deal with insecurity!

I spoke to my boyfriend before lunch. He wanted me to come by on my lunch break, but I wouldn't have enough time. A while after we hung up I sent him a flirty text. That was about 3 hours ago and I haven't heard back yet. Lots of scary thoughts immediately came up when he didn't respond right away like "maybe he's calling some other girl to see if she'll go meet him on her lunch break" and lots more crazy things like that. Here's what I did. I used Alison's suggestion. I started to think of all the rational and harmless reasons he may not respond. He might have gone back to bed (he had said he was very tired -- last night he'd had one of his horrible headaches), he might have been in the other room not thinking he'd need his phone and didn't hear it, he could be talking to someone else or out with a friend. That did help a little actually. I will admit it's still tough. Those thoughts are still there. But the more I look at it the less I find I want to be constantly in his business. It leaves me feeling worse than I would if he actually was cheating on me! And I'm doing it to myself! If I take care of me and my wellbeing I tend to be a lot more fun to be around AND I also have less need for the validation of others.

The thing is I also had a twinge of insecurity when he said he'd be going to his cousin's house tonight for a get together. I've had that before and normally I would have sat home mulling over what horrible thing he could be doing. But lately I've decided to have fun in my life without waiting on him to provide it. That's a big deal. So I am going out with my brother and a friend and keeping my thoughts on myself tonight. The more time you give to these thoughts the stronger they get.

Try accepting the thoughts you have along the lines of: "I feel really insecure about my girlfriend going out without me" "it is unlikely that she is doing anything to hurt me" "when we are together we have a great time and I can feel how much she cares for me" "I want to have a good relationship so I will take control of my thoughts and take care of myself" "when I stay in my own business and take care of my own well-being I am calmer and have more to offer in my relationship" and on and on. Like Angela always says, deliberately think thoughts that feel good when you think them. Not fakey positive stuff, but just the next thought you can reach and believe that gives some relief. When you make a habit of rerouting like that your overall thoughts are more positive and it gets better from there.

Good luck.

[Shane Bullock]

Twenty-five,

You can overcome this!

Your feelings of insecurity and anxiety are probably apparent to those around you. It may appear that these feelings are well hidden within your mind, but through subtle or maybe not-so-subtle actions, people sense a bad vibe.

They may not understand that it is insecurity and anxiety. All they feel is a not-so good vibe. This vibe, which stems from your feelings of insecurity, can drive people away, including her.

The solution: Change your internal programming.

It’s like a software program that has some bugs, or maybe even a virus. In my experience as an IT guy, the cleanest way to get rid of software bugs is to reinstall with the newer version of software. And you’re the person to write the program to do this.

In your situation, I suggest writing out a script on how you’d like to feel and how you’d like your relationship to go. Write it in the present tense.

For example, you could say something like:
“I feel so secure and confident with her. I’m myself with her and she loves me for it. I’m very happy and confident about our relationship. As a result, I emit a fantastic vibe that makes her want to be around me even more. When she is apart from me, I’m able to enjoy the present moment, knowing she is faithful….and so on.”

Once you have written your ideal script on how you’d like things, then read it often and make adjustments as needed. Keep your script positive. You’ll be amazed to see that it will come true. You’ll be happier and will emit the right vibe, who those around you will quickly pick up on, including her.

Good luck!

[spiritualinquiry]

This is not specific to relationship, but I think a lot of insecurities ultimately come from attachments, especially if they relate to things we cannot avoid. For example, a loved one could die, our health could fail, etc. We cannot stop these things occurring, so the best we can do is become less attached and accept that anything could happen and that perhaps they're not as bad as we might think. You can follow this thought further at this address:
Attachment: the root of insecurity and anxiety

[ladonna]

i'm 45 and been happily married 18 yrs and am still feeling insecurities. my husband is an extremely outgoing, funloving person and i am extremely shy. to this day i struggle when he goes back to his hometown and hooks up with some old friends from school, some of which are old girlfriends or gets emails from other women from his past. I know its all innocent, but it hurts me for some reason. my reasoning is i would not put myself in that position to for him to even think that i was talking to another man. however, he wouldnt care if I did. I cant seem to get to that point of not caring if he talks to other women. I know exactly how you feel. Someone posted that you dont "own" anyone, and I guess my thinking is i thought I did. evan after 18 yrs i am still learning how not to be insecure. but, i've finally decided to let go, and that I dont have control over anything or anyone but myself. this has just come about as of yesterday. At least you are learning this lesson while you're still young, because its tough going through most of your life feeling insecure.