Dealing with Difficult parents...

[MissACT]

OK - I know this is going to sound like I am being Bridezilla but I am having a few issues with my parents and my upcoming wedding and I need some advice!!

My fiance and I live in Australia and we are heading to the states to get married...we have my parents and my future in-laws coming over for the wedding and some friends as well.

When we booked the wedding date, I made it around when my mother and father were already there (they had a trip already planned) and actually brougt the wedding forward to suit them better, which meant that some of our friends were unable to attend....loyalty to parents I suppose.

As we arrive at our destination in the middle of the night our first night - we were going to stay that first night with my parents to save paying for a room for half a night....this was all agreed months ago and so we have gone and booked all our accommodation for the wedding and honeymoon etc....today my mother calls and pretty much makes me feel we are "inconveniencing them" by staying the night as we may not want to sleep (after a 24 hour flight we may have already had tons of sleep) and they will want to and we will disrupt them (these were not her exact words but what I interpreted them as).....I was fuming to say the least and am not speaking with them at present.

To top it all off they have a car while they are there and would not even come to pick us up form the airport as they are going to a show that night and want to be able to drink....is that pathetic or what....how hard is it to drive 15 mintues to pick us up..

I feel like they are being very selfish considering the lengths I have gone to already like making the date when it is so that they would be there and having our friends miss out...one of my very close friends has to be at home on that date for reasons best left unsaid and was crushed when I told her the date had changed to a week earlier!

Also, my grandmother (in her late 80s) is being flown there to attend...and as she is on a pension and unable to afford to stay in a hotel on her own, she is staying with my parents....and all my mother can do is complain that she has to put up with her for 4 days and it will ruin her holiday....I feel as though by us having out wedding there it is making things really hard for them and "putting them out". My Aunt used her flyer miles to fly my Nan to the wedding and my parents wanted me to give her spending money (that she spent for the taxes on the flight).....$200USD for gods sake we are paying for nearly the whole wedding ourselves....I'm not impressed.

Has anyone else experienced these same issues?? I am embarassed about it all and hate having my fiance's parents hear about it as they feel sorry for me...they don't make me feel embarassed but I still feel that way.

His parents fall over backwards to help us and yet mine are the opposite...I get the feeling that they feel as though now we are all grown up we don't need nurturing and can fend for ourselves....

[evacorges]

Tricky situation there.
May I ask why you are marrying in a different country? seems like it is causing a lot of problems for you.

Let me also play devils advocate and run a possible point of view by you -- your mums.

"I had a wonderful trip planned out to the USA. I was looking forward to seeing different shows and finally being away from the usual humdrum of obligations. They all mean well, of course, but with all the demands on my time, I rarely get to do what I want.
So, my daughter decided to get married in the States! Right in the middle of my trip! She wants me to rush to the airport and pick her up after the show, stay the night in our hotel room just to save a bit of money. I mean, they are not going to be able to sleep from jetlag, and they will keep us awake. She could show some consideration for our vacation time.
And then, to top it all off, she gets mad at me because I object to her gran staying with us for 4 days! She's the one wanting to get married over there! Why doesn't she take care of who stays where. If I had wanted her gran to be with me on our holiday, I would have asked her along.
This is my vacation she is taking away from me! We have stuff planned. This was supposed to be time just for us. I am so mad at her!"

From this point of view your moms behaviour doesn't seem so odd. I would suggest you find out from her what her point of view is. Bypass the grumbling, and find out what she is willing to do for you. Once she feels heard and taken seriously things will be much easier.
You have to grant her leeway to do things her own way, though. That is the same leeway all those friends who cannot be there are giving you.

Anyway, I know what difficult parents are like. However, the better you are able to communicate, the better it will get. All the best of luck!
Eva

[Lisa BRB100]

Wow, MissACT, reading your story makes me feel like deja-vu! It sounds exactly like something that would have happened to me with my mom - and it is the reason I discovered your post just today (I've had it with my mom and did a web search on "dealing with difficult parents" and you popped up!).

Eva raises a great point. It is hard to see things from another's point of view, especially if your parent has been uncommunicative about her true feelings. You did have the best intentions, but probably should have talked them through first. Eva's advice is good, the bottom line is you have to lay your feelings out and let her do the same before anything will change for the future. Believe me, it will only get worse if you don't do it now. I wish you luck MissACT, try to be happy and focus on the positive in your new life as a bride.

My story is different yet similar - I grew up in California. Moved East as soon as I got out of college. My parents divorced when I was 10 and my mom was focused on her own life, friends, remarriage for the most part while I was growing up. I never felt like I had conversations with her, more just directives, "constructive" criticisms, etc... and of course that turned me into an over-acheiver. I have tried to get past that and start my own life, I'm successful in my career, married with two kids. I moved on, but then the baggage resurfaced.

Wouldn't you know, she and my step-father moved East a few years back. Now I must deal with frequent visits where they stay at my house for weeks at a time, I must buy all the groceries then make their meals after working all day, and deal with the myraid of "stuff" they bring (suitcases, yard sale finds, their own towels and pillows because mine "smell strange"). They complain that the house isn't clean enough, the dog barks too much, they need to "borrow" batteries for their camera (every time???), can I stop and get bottled water because my tap water "tastes funny"...

When they are not visiting, they call but never ask how we are doing, just drone on and on about their lives, and never cease to mention things like, "by the way, tomorrow is your grandmother's birthday, did you send a card?" Did I mention I'm 42?!? The reminders and listening to their burdens only add to my own list of responsibilities, and I'm tired. I can't take it and afraid I'm going to blow!

I ask for advice on two fronts: one, how can I confront my mom and stepdad without being confrontational (is an email taking the coward's way out)? and two, am I destined for history to repeat itself by becoming Momzilla to my 11 year old daughter?

Thanks, and sorry to hijack your thread, MissACT.

[robc]

Originally Posted by MissACT

OK - I know this is going to sound like I am being Bridezilla but I am having a few issues with my parents and my upcoming wedding and I need some advice!!

My fiance and I live in Australia and we are heading to the states to get married...we have my parents and my future in-laws coming over for the wedding and some friends as well.

When we booked the wedding date, I made it around when my mother and father were already there (they had a trip already planned) and actually brougt the wedding forward to suit them better, which meant that some of our friends were unable to attend....loyalty to parents I suppose.

As we arrive at our destination in the middle of the night our first night - we were going to stay that first night with my parents to save paying for a room for half a night....this was all agreed months ago and so we have gone and booked all our accommodation for the wedding and honeymoon etc....today my mother calls and pretty much makes me feel we are "inconveniencing them" by staying the night as we may not want to sleep (after a 24 hour flight we may have already had tons of sleep) and they will want to and we will disrupt them (these were not her exact words but what I interpreted them as).....I was fuming to say the least and am not speaking with them at present.

To top it all off they have a car while they are there and would not even come to pick us up form the airport as they are going to a show that night and want to be able to drink....is that pathetic or what....how hard is it to drive 15 mintues to pick us up..

I feel like they are being very selfish considering the lengths I have gone to already like making the date when it is so that they would be there and having our friends miss out...one of my very close friends has to be at home on that date for reasons best left unsaid and was crushed when I told her the date had changed to a week earlier!

Also, my grandmother (in her late 80s) is being flown there to attend...and as she is on a pension and unable to afford to stay in a hotel on her own, she is staying with my parents....and all my mother can do is complain that she has to put up with her for 4 days and it will ruin her holiday....I feel as though by us having out wedding there it is making things really hard for them and "putting them out". My Aunt used her flyer miles to fly my Nan to the wedding and my parents wanted me to give her spending money (that she spent for the taxes on the flight).....$200USD for gods sake we are paying for nearly the whole wedding ourselves....I'm not impressed.

Has anyone else experienced these same issues?? I am embarassed about it all and hate having my fiance's parents hear about it as they feel sorry for me...they don't make me feel embarassed but I still feel that way.

His parents fall over backwards to help us and yet mine are the opposite...I get the feeling that they feel as though now we are all grown up we don't need nurturing and can fend for ourselves....

I won't write one of my usual long winded posts but I'll say a few things.

It's your wedding, take charge!
If your parents want to act that way, if they don't want to be helpful, if you feel like they're dragging you down and all you are doing is accomodating them without any reciprocation, you can either continue doing as you are and feel miserable about it or you can just put a stop to it.
Do you want to look back years from now and remember your wedding as a stressful problem and that your parents made you miserable during this process? How does your partner feel about this? Is he getting the same negative vibes about your parents and what they're doing? If your in-laws are feeling bad for you and being empathetic/sympathetic to the situation, it would seem that whatever your parents are doing to cause you problems is pronounced enough that other people like your in-laws notice. If you're not happy during this process it could lead to problems later on with you & your spouse, always giving in to your parents instead of making the two of you a priority.

No one is forcing anyone to attend your wedding. It would be nice if they attend but if they can't place themselves a little lower in the scale of priorities to make your wedding a little more special, you will just have to do it yourself. Don't argue with them, that just adds to the existing tension & animosity. But stop giving in to their requests and bad behavior. If your parents think your grandma should have spending money, tell them your tapped because of the wedding expense and they will need take care of her expenses: you are her grandchild, not her child - your mom & dad can take care of her.

If you are stressed out by their general lax & complacent attitudes and unwillingness to help, remove them from the equation. Don't expect anything from them anymore except their attendance at the wedding. If they ask you to do something, just tell them you are too busy with the wedding prep and you have to focus on making your day the best it can be for you & partner, everyone else is just a guest. If they take it offensively, tell them the purpose of this trip is your wedding and that you can't be expected to do anything else except focus on the wedding.

Paying for whole wedding yourself, no problem with that.
I don't think people should expect their parents or in-laws to chip in and pay for the wedding. Do it yourself, pay for it all yourself. It may be tough (it was for me & my wife), maybe you need to get a bank loan or max out a new credit card but take care of it yourself. If this means that you don't get every nice thing you needed for your wedding, that's just how it is, don't fault anyone for that and don't expect anyone to pay for it except for you, it is your wedding, no one else's. That's a very old & dated concept to expect your parents to pay for the wedding. It's 2008, not 1958.

Just my 0.02 cents, let me know how it works out and what you think of this opinion (that's all it is, just an opinion, take it for what it is).

[dudykiss]

This is the last step before counseling, I guess, because I have no other choice but reach out to strangers for a piece of advice!! I'm facing a serious relationship-family problem which I'm too unexperienced to solve by myself!! I'm in a relationship for over 2 years with someone and my parents won't accept this because of the difference of social status and education!! I love that person for over 10 years (long story) but I'm too grateful and obedient to disappoint my parents and my conscience kills me!! I don't know what to do to make them listen, especially because I have to go to a different country to be with the person I love (another long story) and they will never accept that!! I cannot find a solution, as either variant would hurt somebody and eventually me!!
Thanks for reading this message and I would be most grateful if you would write me back to check with other people's opinion because I feel so helpless

[evacorges]

Originally Posted by dudykiss

This is the last step before counseling, I guess, because I have no other choice but reach out to strangers for a piece of advice!! I'm facing a serious relationship-family problem which I'm too unexperienced to solve by myself!! I'm in a relationship for over 2 years with someone and my parents won't accept this because of the difference of social status and education!! I love that person for over 10 years (long story) but I'm too grateful and obedient to disappoint my parents and my conscience kills me!! I don't know what to do to make them listen, especially because I have to go to a different country to be with the person I love (another long story) and they will never accept that!! I cannot find a solution, as either variant would hurt somebody and eventually me!!
Thanks for reading this message and I would be most grateful if you would write me back to check with other people's opinion because I feel so helpless

this is where you find out you cannot please all of the people all of the time. You are facing some big life decisions here - and you must make them yourself.

Most people, at some point, do stuff their parents disapprove of. Moving to a different country is a huge decision, as is picking a definite life partner.

Anyway, the way you tell it, there will be no possible way to both do what you want and please your parents. I am sorry, but that is just the way things are sometimes.
It is a reason to really look very very hard at all your own motives for this choice (getting away from too demanding parents being one that suggests itself to me). If you have all the arguments in your heart, mind and spirit sorted, you can choose with no regrets. Take your time.