When others put words in your mouth...

[YourSelf]

What do you do to turn the conversation into something more productive, when other people put words in your mouth, start assuming that you have intentions that are actually far from what you actually have, start saying
"this is where you come from"
"you are clearly saying"
"i can read your intention"
etc.

How do you solve these issues when you're right inside the conversation and the other person keeps insisting that he can "read my intentions", which are misunderstood?

Finally, what do you do if such a situation escalates to the point that the other person is no more open to communication and says something like,
"I no longer wish to talk with you."

How do you break through that kind of ice?

[YourSelf]

A very typical situation when this happens to me (especially today) is when someone older, more experienced, etc. starts saying "I know people like you, I've heard you, from what you say you're clearly like them. It's useless talking to you because I know where the conversation will lead to..., etc."
I think you understand the situation.
How do I overcome that kind of attitude in other people?

P.S.: This attitude is one of the most spiteful things I have ever encountered in people, and while I'm originally a very extroverted person, it's these kinds of people that make me feel rejected and isolate myself away from society. Because many just don't respect my opinion, or make me feel that my opinion doesn't count, that I'm weird, that I'm just stirring and provoking etc.
Please help me solve these situations!

[Angela]

So what you're saying is, you like me.

What happens to you in conversation when the other person declares that he knows what you're trying to say, but it's not lining up with what you're trying to say? Do you get defensive, or mad? Do you clam up? What do you do? I mean right there and then, not later after you've had time to stew about it.

[YourSelf]

I'm a bit ashamed to admit it, but when I was small/teenager I usually accepted what others said, and if I remember well, I actually believed them, probably only to maintain the relationship.

If someone told me "You're saying this only because you don't want to admit that...", I usually accepted that version and actually believed that they were right.

Yes, now I'm realizing that I also have an opinion and that for many times I've just let my own views go to the background. So many times I've tried to say something with an intention, but others try to read in something else.

I don't get defensive, but I feel a bit offended/sad that others don't listen to what I really mean and I think I'm helpless since they're better at communicating and arguing.

Yes, that's exactly what happens.

[Angela]

Do you say something? Do you let them know they're misinterpreting you? Or do you just shrug your shoulders and nod your head?

[YourSelf]

Well, I used to nod my head (or just look at my feet), but now I do say that they're misinterpreting me, or I try to re-phrase the same thing I said by telling them that perhaps I miscommunicated - but they just keep ignoring me whatever I say und shrug off when I try to recommunicate.

[Angela]

So you don't feel like you're being heard? Is that right?

[YourSelf]

I feel like I'm not listened to.
To be plain: ignored, snubbed.

[Angela]

What do you think you'd have to be for people to listen to you? You can't change who they are, but you can change who you're being.

What kind of people do you think are listened to, in the way in which you'd like to be listened to? What qualities do you think they have that you don't?

[YourSelf]

I don't know whether it's the qualities or me that they reject, but it is the content of what I say that often disturbs them. It is either very different, "unconventional", strange, bizarre, untraditional... or the total opposite - which makes them think that I'm "like everyone else, so not worth to waste time on".

I also think that might be doing so just because they don't want to accept any other "version" of the story apart from their own. I can't say for sure.

What I can say is that I have already tried many ways to get my point through - and was simply ignored or told to back off, retreat, vanish and mind my own business.

[Angela]

Well, I'm not suggesting doing things differently -- I'm suggesting that you might consider adopting qualities that inspire you, and make them your own, qualities that would make a difference if you were being them. Out of those qualities and ways of being spring inspired action.

So, what way of being do you think would make a difference for you in your situation? I'm thinking of people like Richard Branson and Tony Robbins. What qualities do they have, that leave people wanting to really hear and understand what they're saying?

[YourSelf]

What qualities do they have that I could adopt?
Hmmm... what?
Sounding more convincing?
Insisting more?
Adding some humor and provoking without whining like a troll?

Or a change in the content of the message itself?


EDIT:
Would I be able to call the people ignoring me back even after they decide to walk away?

[Angela]

Well, that's all more focus on what you're doing, as opposed to what you're being, and it doesn't sound like that's been working very well for you.

The way of being that will make a difference is one that inspires you, not me, so look for a way of being that lights you up.

I'll tell you a way of being that inspires me: Supreme Confidence. I model Richard Branson when I visualize Supreme Confidence for myself, because to me, he emits big, bold, friendly, funny, straight, engaging vibes. I can't know what's in his brain, but how he occurs for me is tremendously authentic and true in his expression, and that is something I want to practice generating, because it feels so good. ("Supreme Confidence" is a term I stole from Paul McKenna, by the way, because it sums up all of those feeling-good qualities for me.)

When I'm busy being Supreme Confidence, I'm aware that if someone is not hearing me and it's important to me that they do, it's up to me -- I have the power! -- to speak to them in a way that they'll hear me the way I want to be heard. And it also gives me the awareness to know when it's not important to me that a particular person hears or understands me. That sounds very Francis of Assisi, doesn't it?

I find modeling to be a very effective way to figure out what I want to be, and to practice being it. That's why I ask you: who's got what you want, and what is it that they've got? Whatever it is, you can have it, too.

[YourSelf]

So, tell me whether I understood you properly: are you saying that I have to look for some kind of idol or role-model to follow, and then to role-play and "be" that person?

If that's what you mean... there have been influential people (both in real life and history, television, etc.) whom I have followed and been like.

When I am "them", I always attract other people's attention; however, this happens at a cost: the content of my messages shifts and I tend to forget what I wanted to say.
Perhaps when that happens I start indulging myself being in the centre of attention and enjoy the relationship with the people rather than focusing on what I had to say in the first place... it is a very enjoyable state. But once I'm in that state I don't want to "ruin" it. I'm tempted to feel popular and not care anymore about telling my opinion.

...

I would be some sort of a pioneer if I were able to be influential and charismatic, and at the same time tell weird, non-mainstream opinions, without being laughed at...

Or do you know people who have weird and bizarre opinions, yet are influential and charismatic?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by YourSelf

So, tell me whether I understood you properly: are you saying that I have to look for some kind of idol or role-model to follow, and then to role-play and "be" that person?

No role-playing, no being someone else. And you don't "have" to do anything! What I mean is: looking at another person who is being what you would like to be, imagining yourself floating over into that person and seeing what it's like to be that, and then float back to your own self and take the way of being with you. You're not being another person or pretending. You're trying on a new way of being, and modeling yourself after that person is just a tool for making that easy. Quite different from role-playing or pretending.

I would be some sort of a pioneer if I were able to be influential and charismatic, and at the same time tell weird, non-mainstream opinions, without being laughed at...

Or do you know people who have weird and bizarre opinions, yet are influential and charismatic?

Let's see, where shall I start? How about our own Steve Pavlina? and his influential, charismatic and decidedly non-mainstream wife, Erin Pavlina? How about Tony Robbins, or Werner Erhardt, or Martin Luther King, or Malcolm X, or L. Ron Hubbard, or Jesus? Sun Myung Moon? Mahatma Ghandi? Oprah Winfrey? Sacha Baron Cohen? Abbey Hoffman? Stop me anytime. Abraham Lincoln, Eminem, Tom Cruise, Perez Hilton, John F. Kennedy? I could go on and on.

What's wrong with being a pioneer?

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by Angela

What do you think you'd have to be for people to listen to you?

Older, richer, more successful, prettier, more popular

Many people who speak to me won't listen to a word I say. I have sooo many one-sided conversations, where it's just me listening to them and them not listening to a word I say.

If I'm talking to an older person, they usually dismiss me as being a "typical 20-something" or will say something like, "I used to be like you."

I also often get just outright personal attacks from old people such as, "Do you have kids? No? Then you're wrong." or "How long have you worked at your job? Oh? Then you're wrong."

From people my own age, the style of dismissal they use depends on what segment of society they identify with. So if it's an uneducated blue-collar type, he'll dismiss me as being some kind of know-it-all intellectual with no real world experience.

If it's a college-smart type, he'll dismiss me as being some kind of brutish blue-collar guy not worthy of a university education.

If it's a punk/hippie/party type, I'm dismissed as being a nerd.

If it's a nerd, I'm dismissed as being a hippie tree-hugger.

Before I finish my sentences, people have decided what I was going to say and will respond to me like I'm not a real person and am rather just a cardboard cutout of whatever particular group they have me pegged as.

Sometimes I'll be pegged as being in the same group as someone I meet. So maybe I meet some hippie and at first he thinks I'm also a hippie and is very nice to me. Then I relate some new fact that doesn't fit in with the hippie archetype and now he feels betrayed - I'm not actually a hippie, just a hippie in disguise. Now he changes to be hostile.

So what is my solution? Nothing, really. When someone stops speaking to me like a human being and starts assuming they know everything I'm going to say before I say it, I basically just stop trying to talk.

[YourSelf]

yossarian, yes, that's more or less what happens to me, although I must admit that most of the time it happens to me when I write on the internet, e.g. forums, message boards, chatrooms, etc.



ANGELA,
but what can I do if they throw me out, for example, out of a chatroom?
Or ban me from a forum for "trolling around" (and I must really say that I actually feel very offended and rejected for the fact that they call my opinions "trollish"...)?
How can I catch back their attention if anything I write will be deleted or won't even reach them anyway?!

How should I react?

[YourSelf]

Let me actually paste the words of the person who wrote to me today. Look, it really offends me. How would you feel if they wrote to you this way? I feel a bit angry.

"deleted for privacy reasons"

Honestly, what should I do?

What exactly do I have to say in such situations?!

What would you have replied to that person?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by YourSelf

What would you have replied to that person?

YourSelf, it's very hard for me to imagine myself participating in a forum where that kind of behavior is tolerated! It sounds like the Land of Lower Companions. Is that really the sort of person with whom it's important to you to communicate?

I thought you were talking more about in-person communication, but my advice to you remains the same, even for on-line chat. Is there someone on forums that you participate in that is the kind of communicator you'd like to be? Someone you feel is listened to and really heard?

That would be a good person for you to model. In that case, if I were you, I would even write to herm and actually ask them what qualities they think they have that make them effective communicators. My guess is that (s)he would be happy to be your model, and would learn something hermself from the experience.

[Brutha]

Or ban me from a forum for "trolling around" (and I must really say that I actually feel very offended and rejected for the fact that they call my opinions "trollish"...)?

Maybe you should try to understand why they think that you are trolling around.
If you don't understand the culture of the forum or chat, you don't know what is appropriate in that enviroment and therefore may step over some boundries.

Especially in forums people often don't react to the intention of your message but to what you wrote.
I can say "I know where you are coming from" and "You are saying X" without implying that the person I'm talking with consciously thinks those things and I can be right (naturally I can also be wrong).

It might be that you are too much attached to your own intentions that you miss the conversation. Ideas don't orginate in your own head but are flooting around and only pass through your head.
In a forum conversation people often respond to the idea that you want to present even when you don't understand the idea.

I would be some sort of a pioneer if I were able to be influential and charismatic, and at the same time tell weird, non-mainstream opinions, without being laughed at...

Most really influential people get laughed at. It comes with the territory as Steves often says.

Look at Bush. He is relativly influential, has crazy ideas like that there might be biological weapons in Iraq and he still is capable of pushing through his ideas.

Let me actually paste the words of the person who wrote to me today. Look, it really offends me. How would you feel if they wrote to you this way? I feel a bit angry.

Take 100% responsibilty for your actions. You did something that lead to that post.
If you are offended by those words you have a problem and have to work on yourself.

[YourSelf]

Originally Posted by Angela

Is that really the sort of person with whom it's important to you to communicate?

Unfortunately, most people I've met and spoken with are that sort of persons...

Is there someone on forums that you participate in that is the kind of communicator you'd like to be? Someone you feel is listened to and really heard?

Well, the guy who was insulting me is listened to very much and by everyone. Probably because he's the moderator.

[YourSelf]

Originally Posted by Brutha

It might be that you are too much attached to your own intentions that you miss the conversation. Ideas don't orginate in your own head but are flooting around and only pass through your head.
In a forum conversation people often respond to the idea that you want to present even when you don't understand the idea.

I didn't get this part properly. My first approach is to depict my idea plain and descriptively without any emotional attachment.
I don't communicate my intention at first, it's they who create the idea that I had one. Only after they [mistakenly] insist that I had a specific intention (which is not true), I try to say that they are wrong and that that isn't my intention.

Most really influential people get laughed at. It comes with the territory as Steves often says.

Look at Bush. He is relativly influential, has crazy ideas like that there might be biological weapons in Iraq and he still is capable of pushing through his ideas.

OK, but in this case probably even the people listening to him get laughed at...? What are you trying to say with "it comes with the territory"?

Take 100% responsibilty for your actions. You did something that lead to that post.
If you are offended by those words you have a problem and have to work on yourself.

I take responsibility for my actions - how exactly do I have to work on myself?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by YourSelf

Unfortunately, most people I've met and spoken with are that sort of persons...
Well, the guy who was insulting me is listened to very much and by everyone. Probably because he's the moderator.

Well, there are 761 people signed on to this forum right now. Are you lumping us all in with that sort of person? I don't see anyone around speaking with such crass, demeaning, profane schmuckiosity. Maybe it's easy for you to see when you are being insulted, but not so easy for you to see when you may be insulting others.

I think Brutha is right on. 100% responsibility means taking a bold look at how you yourself are creating the situation you find yourself in. You seem reluctant to do that, but that's what it takes. Is it something you are willing to take on? I'm afraid your problem of not being listened to is something that will plague you until you do.

[YourSelf]

I probably don't completely understand what you exactly mean by "100% responsibility".

The only way I (knowing my current capabilities) could avoid creating that situation is by simply not talking to them at all, or not expressing my opinion.

Is that what you're suggesting me to do?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by YourSelf

Is that what you're suggesting me to do?

There you go again, with your do-do!

Again, I'm talking about who you are being, not what you're doing.

Here's what I mean by taking 100% responsibility. You, and only you, are responsible for your life. That means only you can respond in the matter of your life! It is your responses that give you how your life occurs for you. 100% of it.

So, look boldly at your thoughts and your choices. So far, you have made choices that have had you in conversations in which you feel powerless. That's not somebody else's fault. You choose who to speak with; you choose how you communicate with people, consciously or old-pain unconscious choices. You choose what you create in conversation, and you choose what you make it mean when someone tells you something. You choose how much space you create between something happening and your reaction to it. You choose who you hang out with, the questions you ask, and how you listen to the answers you get.

If you look boldly at all those thoughts and choices, and you accept the reality of what you are generating with those thoughts and choices, then you will be free to determine for yourself whether that works for you in living a life you love, or whether new, other choices and thoughts might work better.

It is all up to you. It is all about you. You can blame others all you want, but it's not going to get you what you want.

Do you understand?

[Brutha]

Maybe it would help if you would post your part of the conversation and name the kind of forum in which you posted it. If you don't want to do that publically you can also send me a PM.

I take responsibility for my actions - how exactly do I have to work on myself?

Don't feel offended by the result of your actions.

If I get a bad note on my math exam, it is pointless to feel offended by the math teacher. It is better to think: Maybe I should learn more the next time.

[YourSelf]

Originally Posted by Angela

There you go again, with your do-do!

Again, I'm talking about who you are being, not what you're doing.

[...]

It is all up to you. It is all about you. You can blame others all you want, but it's not going to get you what you want.

Do you understand?

I think I understand!

I mean, I will certainly take responsibility for whatever I do, but what I came here for is to ask some... procedural suggestions :P

I will take 100% responsibility for my actions.
But I would merely like some further suggestions on which actions to take.

There's one thing that strikes me though (let me use Brutha's example)...

Originally Posted by Brutha

Don't feel offended by the result of your actions.

If I get a bad note on my math exam, it is pointless to feel offended by the math teacher. It is better to think: Maybe I should learn more the next time.

I will take 100% responsibility for my actions.

Suppose I did my exam really well, but the teacher correcting it discriminates against people like me (e.g. because of my race) and gives me a lower grade than what I actually worked for.

It's not that I feel offended for no reason, it's the teacher who gave me the bad grade. And it was his action.
I would obviously be wasting time complaining about him (is that what you meant, Angela, by saying that it's no use blaming them?), but it was still his action that created the negative impact.

Or should I be 100% responsible for other people's actions, too?

Or is the fact that the teacher is a racist a result of my actions?

...

P.S. Brutha, OK, I'll send you an edited "transcript" of our conversation because the original one was done on an online community containing all our real-life personal data.

[GrigoriySidelnikov]

Originally Posted by YourSelf

Because many just don't respect my opinion, or make me feel that my opinion doesn't count

Great works of art and great achievements that are helping the society every hour of every day are utterly ignored by the general crowd.

What makes you think your opinion is important to anyone other than yourself?

You make a choice to talk to anyone. Nobody is forcing you to express an opinion to anyone. And if you are going to do so, uninvited, to people with various personality types and views and values, it should be noted that you must expect the possibility of your opinion not to count.

[TheOrange]

Take control

Agree to their opinion, acknowledge it to make them feel good about themselves and then ignore it.. never argue..

Do you start arguing right before that happens?