Allowing Vulnerability

[Lola]

Over in Angela's ugh. I feel sort of horrible. thread, some of us discovered a shared fear of vulnerability when Angela said:

Originally Posted by Angela

I think a new way of being that I have resisted all my life, that would make a difference if I were being it, especially right now, especially in light of all my new challenges: being vulnerable. Even just typing that, I can feel stuff around it to let go of.

ZHereford beautifully states...

Originally Posted by ZHereford

Paradoxically, there is great strength in being vulnerable. When you are, you are willing to be open and face fear or adversity square in the face. You are willing to be your true courageous self and let the chips (and lessons) fall where they may.

...which we all consciously know to be true. Yet our self-protective mechanisms are activated even thinking about it.

So, let's talk about it. Personally, I've got a history that makes a pretty strong argument for maintaining a *shields up* type of persona. But I'm well aware doing so keeps out the good stuff as well as the threatening.

What steps do we take to get on the path of being ok with letting the chips fall where they may, as Z advises?

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Lola

Over in Angela's ugh. I feel sort of horrible. thread, some of us discovered a shared fear of vulnerability when Angela said:


ZHereford beautifully states...

...which we all consciously know to be true. Yet our self-protective mechanisms are activated even thinking about it.

So, let's talk about it. Personally, I've got a history that makes a pretty strong argument for maintaining a *shields up* type of persona. But I'm well aware doing so keeps out the good stuff as well as the threatening.

What steps do we take to get on the path of being ok with letting the chips fall where they may, as Z advises?

I feel vulnerable even talking about it! I've got a very similar history, I'd guess. I'm going to start using NLP, I think, that kind of thing. I have a hell of a lot of beliefs about relationships and me I need to extract and remove before I go any further. I'm guessing this is a long road for me.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Vulnerability is scary. It's kind of akin to the trust issue I was talking about in my thread. But I think it has to do with your view of reality. If you truly hold the veiw that nothing that happens to you can diminish you (the real you, not ego you) then would you not become unafraid of being vulnerable?

The question then becomes how do you install the new, empowering belief that would make a difference?

Just thinking about being vulnerable freaks me out. I get panicky thinking about what will happen if I let down my defenses: I'll be used, abused, deserted, unloved, alone, rejected. Those are some pretty serious reasons why I personally shy away from being vulnerable. It's as if the moment I let my guard down someone will immediately swoop in and betray me beyond remedy.

[ZHereford]

Thanks Angela and Lola for starting this!

I think it's important to recognize that willing to be vulnerable does indeed take courage and may be counter to our self-protective inclinations. On the other hand, it allows us to face what needs to be faced without our building walls and blocks.

It helps bring the real and/or troublesome issues to the forefront instead of allowing us to make excuses and mask what we're really hiding from.

[Angela]

Well, we're thinking about all our habitual reactions to being vulnerable here. What would be possible for you if you were being vulnerable? What would you be powerfully creating, how would you be loving your life, if you were being vulnerable?

It occurs to me: I wonder how many people will read this thread and think, "oooohhhhh, I don't want to be vulnerable. I'm not going to post in THAT thread and be vulnerable!"

I think we have this habitual way of thinking about vulnerability: the susceptibility to being hurt or open to attack. Like that's a BAD thing.

Just to be clear, when I'm talking about generating a new way of being: being vulnerable; I'm talking about a non-traditional definition of that word. That is: being available and accepting, looking boldly for the truth in what others say about me, letting go of habitual and reactive self-protection, and feeling safe and supported, regardless of what others say or do or my own negative self-talk.

I'm not looking for a fox to eat my soft white underbelly!

edit: oh, yeah, and also being open to being hurt. Being open to the possibility that the pain has a valuable message, and is going to keep generously eating my underbelly until I get the message. Really, pain is a benefactor. (how does THAT set you off and push your buttons?!?)

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Vulnerability is scary.....Just thinking about being vulnerable freaks me out. I get panicky thinking about what will happen if I let down my defenses: I'll be used, abused, deserted, unloved, alone, rejected. Those are some pretty serious reasons why I personally shy away from being vulnerable. It's as if the moment I let my guard down someone will immediately swoop in and betray me beyond remedy.

This is absolutely true! By the same token, that's why most of us don't trust, feel alone, etc. We get stuck in our fear. The only way to overcome this is by being courageous and facing what we need to face.

[Lola]

Yeah, freaks me, too. I mean, really. In the other thread I said just thinking about it, I could feel my blood pressure spiking. (And my stomach tightening up, my *spidey senses* bristling, my must-seek-chocolate alarm going off!).

I wonder if I can even get to the point of taking active steps towards treatment like NLP if I get such a physiological stress reaction just thinking about it?

And, aspiring, you're right. Of course you are. There IS nothing that can diminish the REAL me, nothing that can damage me beyond remedy.

Z - one thing your walls and blocks brings to mind, is if there's a fortress protecting a treasure, doesn't the very presence of the fortress invite marauders and thieves? Are we perhaps inviting the very hurt we fear by building our walls of protection?

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by Lola

Z - one thing your walls and blocks brings to mind, is if there's a fortress protecting a treasure, doesn't the very presence of the fortress invite marauders and thieves? Are we perhaps inviting the very hurt we fear by building our walls of protection?

Lola, I was saying that we spend too much time building walls and blocks instead of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. I was trying to say we should take on what we need to, without building those walls. I hope that make sense.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

Just to be clear, when I'm talking about generating a new way of being: being vulnerable; I'm talking about a non-traditional definition of that word. That is: being available and accepting, looking boldly for the truth in what others say about me, letting go of habitual and reactive self-protection, and feeling safe and supported, regardless of what others say or do or my own negative self-talk.

I think I know what you mean. And I understood that even before. I guess I was just making note of why vulnerability feels so difficult...because we think of it in that traditional way. It seems to be taught to us (and maybe even moreso to men) that vulnerability is to be looked down on, pitied even. I don't remember too many sources saying it's a good thing or making note of the things you mentioned -- "being available and accepting, looking boldly for the truth in what others say about me, letting go of habitual and reactive self-protection, and feeling safe and supported, regardless of what others say or do or my own negative self-talk" -- it's just not shown as something positive at all. And many of us have had experiences (probably almost everyone in the world) that cause us to close off. If we could embrace the qualities you described and really live that way...woah.

The thing is, with the reaction inside us so strong (like Lola mentioned) it's hard to really *get* that it could be a wonderful thing.

Originally Posted by Angela

edit: oh, yeah, and also being open to being hurt. Being open to the possibility that the pain has a valuable message, and is going to keep generously eating my underbelly until I get the message. Really, pain is a benefactor. (how does THAT set you off and push your buttons?!?)

*head explodes*

[Lola]

Gotcha, Z.




I'm thinking about the what would be possible if I'm vulnerable part of it...

[Lola]

I keep catching myself wanting to explain to all of you all of my Very Good Reasons for NOT allowing vulnerability.

(Because then, of course, you'll let me off the hook and I will not have to be brave or bold or face deeply buried issues or be a fox's dinner).

[Angela]

Yeah, I think the traditional definition of vulnerability is really charged. I just looked up the origination of the word: vulnerabilis: Latin for "wound" and it just so happens the same base as "vulva." Danger, Will Robinson!

If we admit to a willingness or capability of being wounded or entered, then it feels like an invitation for others to hurt us or take control over us. That doesn't feel good. I may be willing to be vulnerable, but I don't want to let anyone know I'm vulnerable, cuz they might hurt me!

I wonder if we focus on the kind of courage and willingness that we here are talking about, if we could take the charge out of the word and create something really inspiring for ourselves.

[ZHereford]

I think some of the most compelling reasons for allowing ourselves to be vulnerable are to experience life fully, build strength and resilience and to be open and accessible to those we love.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by Angela

I wonder if we focus on the kind of courage and willingness that we here are talking about, if we could take the charge out of the word and create something really inspiring for ourselves.

Perhaps a willingness to be vulnerable is different from being defenseless.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

Perhaps a willingness to be vulnerable is different from being defenseless.

I think it is different, but it sort of implies defenselessness, doesn't it, when we feel ourselves saying it.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Lola

I keep catching myself wanting to explain to all of you all of my Very Good Reasons for NOT allowing vulnerability.

(Because then, of course, you'll let me off the hook and I will not have to be brave or bold or face deeply buried issues or be a fox's dinner).

It's no use anyway...we already know all the reasons not to .

I doubt you will ever find as many people in one place who will not let you off of the hook and would gladly feed you to a fox (for your own good of course).

I am kidding.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

I may be willing to be vulnerable, but I don't want to let anyone know I'm vulnerable, cuz they might hurt me!

Ha! That's what I was just thinking. I am fine with being vulnerable -- so long as no one finds out about it.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by Angela

I think it is different, but it sort of implies defenselessness, doesn't it, when we feel ourselves saying it.

I agree. I think also that a willingness to be vulnerable also implies a willingness to take risks, both emotionally and otherwise.

Here's a great quote from Leo Buscaglia:

“The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.”

[Lola]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I doubt you will ever find as many people in one place who will not let you off of the hook and would gladly feed you to a fox (for your own good of course).

Which, of course, is why I love it here!

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Ha! That's what I was just thinking. I am fine with being vulnerable -- so long as no one finds out about it.

you're on a roll today, funny girl! Does stress make you silly?

[Lola]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

“The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.”

Mostly I agree with this - especially the last bit - "he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live" - but I don't think I'm avoiding suffering and sorrow because knowing I'm closing myself off from the learning, feeling, changing, growing, loving and living creates suffering and sorrow.

Here I am walking around fully aware that I am not about to let anyone close enough to wound me. That just seems dysfunctional to me.

And look at my signature, for chrissake!


ETA::so...moving up the emotional scale from fear to anger...

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Lola

you're on a roll today, funny girl! Does stress make you silly?

I have been working on this positive thing. Being silly helps to keep me from crying and going all Blender-Frog-Chicken-Diva.

[Angela]

What a YUMMY recipe!!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Lola

so...moving up the emotional scale from fear to anger...

Congratulations!!!

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by Lola

- but I don't think I'm avoiding suffering and sorrow because knowing I'm closing myself off from the learning, feeling, changing, growing, loving and living creates suffering and sorrow.

So I guess the question would be, what is this avoidance buying you then - a different type of sorrow and suffering?

If so, then it's the type that does not promote growth and wisdom, and if you're going to suffer anyway, why not make it the good type?

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by Angela

What a YUMMY recipe!!

Angela, you never cease to make me laugh! Your sense of humor is definitely still in tact.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Lola

but I don't think I'm avoiding suffering and sorrow because knowing I'm closing myself off from the learning, feeling, changing, growing, loving and living creates suffering and sorrow.

Yes, but that's the suffering and sorrow you know. You already live with it so it's familiar and you know you can handle it -- it's comfortable suffering . The suffering and sorrow you fear will come from being vulnerable are unknown and seemingly impossible to comprehend or control. Fear of "what if" is very paralyzing if you let it be.

[Lola]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

So I guess the question would be, what is this avoidance buying you then - a different type of sorrow and suffering?

If so, then it's the type that does not promote growth and wisdom, and if you're going to suffer anyway, why not make it the good type?

Yeah, you're right. For example, loneliness sets in from time to time. But then I remind myself how much better off I am now, alone, than previously with someone who terrorized and wounded me. So I am still dealing with a certain level of suffering and sorrow (alone) but have convinced myself it's preferable to being with someone who may invoke the scarier, mortally hurtful suffering and sorrow.


Much as I hate to, I have to break off for a bit and go work for a couple of hours. For which I must be calm, centered, and healing. I'll be back later.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Angela

I just looked up the origination of the word: vulnerabilis: Latin for "wound" and it just so happens the same base as "vulva." Danger, Will Robinson!

If we admit to a willingness or capability of being wounded or entered, then it feels like an invitation for others to hurt us or take control over us.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I haven't had sex in a very long time. SO funny. Can you see I'm laughing? That's where the tears came from, I swear.

[Emergence]

Originally Posted by Angela

Yeah, I think the traditional definition of vulnerability is really charged. I just looked up the origination of the word: vulnerabilis: Latin for "wound" and it just so happens the same base as "vulva." Danger, Will Robinson!

If we admit to a willingness or capability of being wounded or entered, then it feels like an invitation for others to hurt us or take control over us. That doesn't feel good. I may be willing to be vulnerable, but I don't want to let anyone know I'm vulnerable, cuz they might hurt me!

I wonder if we focus on the kind of courage and willingness that we here are talking about, if we could take the charge out of the word and create something really inspiring for ourselves.

Just before I read this I was reading the other posts and thinking about something Deepak Chopra said (I forget which book) about vulnerability - how you're vulnerable when you fall in love and are open to change - your boundaries/defences drop enough for you to feel merged with another. Also in intimate sex you're vulnerable but it is (can be) wonderful, transportative. So moments of vulnerability remind us that we're not closed off and separate - that we're part of it all, part of each other. A lot of people are scared of that - really scared - and they build their defences (toxic personalities, addictions etc) to protect themselves. Or they don't know that that is the Truth (that we are all one) and this is what makes them scared?? This was definitely me for a lot of my life.

There is a power in people who allow themselves to appear vulnerable - it freaks people out. Staying with your negative experiences (sadness, fear) allows them to be processed rather than be pushed away to resurface in a more dangerous form (mental health problems, violence, physical illness).

Hmm, by this way of looking at it we owe it to ourselves to be vulnerable...

[Lola]

So, I'm back from working the kinks out of a dozen college baseball players...god, I love my job!

Anyhoo - I just have to say, I knew this topic was a button-pusher for me, but get this - I re-read the thread just now and it was like I'd never seen any of it! Even my own entries read like they were written by someone else. Told you my stress-response was activated.

So how does one go about letting go of (well-deserved) fear and self-protection and embracing a willingness to be vulnerable? I'm like aspiring - I need steps, instructions, a check-off list...load the dishwasher-check, feed the dogs-check, mow the lawn-check, pay bills-check, pick up an econo-size bag of vulnerability-check. And, much as I respect each and everyone of you, telling me to do so won't cut it.

I think it will take a lobotomy.