Allowing Vulnerability

[A.K.Light]

*Takes a deep breath.* I hope some of you enjoy this.

# Distinguish your belief about yourself. ("When I'm vulnerable, that means I'm _____.")

When I’m vulnerable, it means that people can actually leave me for who I am and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can be rejected. I can be disliked. I’ll lose respect and admiration. People will laugh at me and I’ll be sissy. I won’t be taken seriously. I’ll be forced to understand things about myself that I don’t want to accept. I’ll feel like I’m not good enough. I’ll end up isolating myself and wasting away. People will think I’m inhuman. I will be a failure and I’ll have to swallow that, and probably choke on it.

# Examine it for your own truth.

By being vulnerable, I will better understand who I really am. And other people will better understand who I really am, too. It will be easier for me to follow my heart and to do the right thing. I will be more peaceful and loving, which will not only affect how I see and act towards the world, but how it sees and reacts to me. I will be more calm, open, and accepting, while being less defensive and aggressive. I will be truly amazed by the deep connections that I will share with other people. These connections will be meaningful and growth-oriented and I will never forget them for as long as I live.

# Ask yourself: what is believing this thought costing me? What does me believing it cost other people?

By believing this thought, that being vulnerable is a bad thing, I will lose out on a lot. My ego will continue to grow in a negative way. I’ll shut people out. I’ll lose those who mean the most to me. And I’ll never quite feel at peace with what is. By believing that same thought, I also affect others in a negative way. They will feel distanced from me, and perhaps even lonely and sad. They will feel rejected. They will feel like I don’t love them. They will only know me partially. They will feel defensive and on-edge around me because I’m not sending out the right vibes.


# What would be possible if I didn't believe it?

If I didn’t believe that being vulnerable was a bad thing, then lots of great things would be possible. My relationships would grow stronger and become more meaningful. More people would feel drawn to me and I’d be able to make friends on a deeper level, and perhaps help them open up, too. My ideal self could finally exist. I would grow and learn more. People who would otherwise be my enemies would be my friends, and I would experience life from a broader perspective. I could spend more time following my dreams and less time fortifying against a false reality. I could be more real and so I would be less likely to make the wrong choices.

# What among those possibilities inspires me? (if nothing, go back to "Ask yourself.. and continue till you reach inspiration)

I could be my ideal self. The real one. Not the one I make myself be to get by. (And everything else, of course.)

# Make a commitment to yourself to generate this inspiring new possibility, and practice letting go of believing the old pain belief.

I’m going to read this a lot, and especially when I feel myself straying. I’m going to visualize my new experiences and I’m going to feel GOOD about it all.

[A.K.Light]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

A.K. Light - maybe your gf isn't allowing herself to be vulnerable, either. We often see in others what we ourselves need to work on.

To me, real vulnerability is very quiet. It doesn't need to explain, or defend, or do anything but just be. Maybe your gf wants to hear your feelings because she needs to feel safe through your words. She herself has problems just having faith in her own strength, and so needs you to assure her of your feelings so she has "proof" that you won't hurt her.

I'm not saying she doesn't have a point about your lack of vulnerability. But it's probably a 2 way street.

You're right, but she is A LOT more vulnerable than me. Whatever feelings she has, she's pretty apt to share them with me, regardless of what they are. I really admire her courage. Neither one of us thinks either of us is perfect, and we're always willing to work on ourselves, too, so it's not a big deal. It's not been overlooked. I'm trying to do my part.

[Silent Lucidity]

So moments of vulnerability remind us that we're not closed off and separate - that we're part of it all, part of each other. A lot of people are scared of that - really scared - and they build their defences (toxic personalities, addictions etc) to protect themselves. Or they don't know that that is the Truth (that we are all one).

There is starting to be scientific evidence for this. There was a study done that people who sleep at the same time as everyone else perform better on tests than those that sleep a little bit 'off' from those around them. They did a control to cancel out circadian rythms I think. There was another article about people who had significantly less 'grey matter' than others and still was very intelligent and led a totally normal life, you'd never know. So both of these things point to a very literal 'oneness' within the human race.

Maybe some of us who are freaked out by our own vulnerability to experiences of one-ness can take some comfort in this.

Funny.... reading all this I was just about to say that being vulnerable makes us feel less alone. Because once in a while, someone else is vulerable too, and then you connect on a deeper level. Going through life with 'shields up' sends out signals that cause others to back away and raise their own shields. Then you never get true intimacy.

Now, I'm pretty vulnerable, at times, and I know for me it would be better to go the other way, to have some protection. I say too much, dream too much, love too much. I live the negative and positive of it every day as I don't really know how to have shields. My goal is to be less vulnerable.

There must be a balance.

What about genuinely happy, to the point of giving-out all the time, so that there's nothing empty to 'fill'? lol. Also, listen a lot. Being vulnerable doesn't mean you have to share everything with everyone, it's more like a sense of open-ness to life, and to your self.

Surround yourself with some loving vulnerable people, and do things to make yourself truly happy, and then it feels like naturally overflowing energy rather than the 'fear' of being 'entered' lol.

About that fox? If the glowing underbelly is glowing really bright it blinds him ha ha and he doesn't know where to bite and even if he does you'll heal. You can also use intuition to sense when a person is a fox.

That is unless you love them... thoughts?

[dancer]

This is a great discussion and it certainly got me thinking about my own vulnerability issues. The 'stupid' identity really jumped out and surprised me. I thought I was all alone on this one.

I've had a busy week and behind reading Eckhart's transcript, read it last night. It also addressed the 'stupid' identity.

I'm of two minds... When I'm being present, I feel totally self accepting and safe to be me (I feel perfect) and allow others to be who they are. When I am present, it feels like I have no personal issues and I feel total freedom and peace. But, when I go all unconscious, I'm stupid, a blubbering idiot, hopeless, controlling, unlovable, judgemental, inadequate, ugly, insecure about this or that, worried about the future etc. My confusion lies in opting to practice being present and accepting and surrendering to my thoughts and emotions that come up and trusting that during my presence my old pain will dissolve OR doing exercises such as Angela's, to become aware of some of the issues and work through them. Being present AND doing Angela's exercise might be a super industrial type emotional pain vacuum cleaner? Like being proactive instead of just dealing with stuff as it comes up. I guess, I question working though stuff with the ego mind vs. awareness.

In the beginning of relationships, I have problems being vulnerable. There is a part of me, which I hold back out of fear of rejection. I eventually get past it and usually consciously decide to go for it. But, as Lola and Honey experienced, sometimes things said in vulnerability come back to bite us. I told a lover once that my mother often asked me how I could put up with myself. Sure enough, during an argument he asked me the same thing. That was an emotional punch that went straight to the core of my painbody.
I guess, it is then about allowing vulnerability to flow when it is being used against us. Or?

I'm not in a relationship and I feel like when I next start a relationship, it will be new ground for me as I've done some growing. In the past when I have felt vulnerable and came home after a tough week, I loved lying in the arms of my partner and opening to him. I was not looking for wisdom or advice it was more seeking a safe place to be me. He was my safe haven, but now I know that I am my safe haven. Right now, it feels like unknown territory, will I still seek external safe havens or will I just enjoy the intimacy of being in my lover's arms??? Hmmm, I really need to change my status to active single.

[ZHereford]

I suppose everyone has their own notion of what being vulnerable means to them, but I must say that as I mentioned earlier, I would expect people to want to be as discriminate about it as they would with anything else. It does not have to be an all or nothing proposition.

We don't have to 'be vulnerable' to everybody we meet. We reveal different parts of ourselves relative to the situation. I found it most helpful and relevant in intimate relationships. That's when we take the most risks and leave ourselves open to pain, rejection or even indifference.

When we first meet someone we're not likely to open up and spill our guts about everything that goes on inside of us, nor should we. We should take our time and gauge how things unfold.

When we do that , is there a chance our vulnerability will come back to bite us in the butt?

You bet there is! That's one of the risks.

It also reveals the character of the person who takes advantage of our vulnerablity and should teach us something about future encounters with that person.

I guess the point is, we can choose whether or not to be vulnerable, depending on the situation.

[Angela]

A.K. Light, that was great work! What I hear is that you are inspired by being your authentic self -- that you're willing to let go of covering up that ideal, wonderful real self with a disguise.

I would like to invite you to go a little more surgical, if you like. You know how Lola nailed down her old pain limiting belief (OPLB -- I have GOT to get over acronyms! ) to "I am vulnerable, and that means I am stupid." I find it really gets to the meat of the matter when you can see that one key thing you believe about yourself. (there are several key beliefs we hold about themselves, but there is one specifically about being vulnerable.) Are you willing to tackle this exercise with a surgeon's scalpel, and look a little more deeply for that recurring negative thought pattern that you don't yet know is running you, in regards to being vulnerable? It is something your little gremlin has been telling you about yourself since you were a kid, and it's so familiar that you believe it through and through; you think it is THE TRUTH about you.

"I am (or am not) vulnerable, and that means I am _________."

I would be very interested to see what you come up with if you were to choose to do this. You've already been more courageous and bold than most people ever are, their whole lives.

Lots of love,
Angela

[Angela]

It was high time for me to do my own stinkin' coaching. I had a couple of interludes with members who helped me this morning by reactivating some old pain about vulnerability, and helped me to see what I'm doing. I had to hear my own complaint about someone else to be able to recognize that it's me who needs to be heard, by me.

I am vulnerable and that means I let people hurt me and that means I am self-destructive and that means I can't trust myself and that means I'm a nincompoop and that means:

I am in Danger

The truth is I am okay right now in this moment. Also this one. This one, too. There are no real threats hovering over me. I might get hurt in the future, but something that might happen is not a threat, it's a worry -- it's a repetitive negative thought pattern. It's a habit. Even if the danger that I'm fearing - that I will be lied to or betrayed - were to happen, it's not a real danger. I will survive being lied to, and the only real damage is the damage I'm willing to carry with me. So it feels like I'm in danger, but I'm not really in danger. Still, it feels like I'm in danger.

The cost of believing this thought, I am in Danger, is that my body believes it as if it were real, as if there were really a bear chasing me. My stomach churns, my heart thumps, I can't concentrate, my focus is diverted from what I'm really up to, I can't feel love, I am separate, alone, panicky, not really enjoying things, sleepless, tight. I am confused and in a state of emergency. The irony is that in this state, I really do create a state of danger by not being present.

In the state of I am in Danger, there is never enough reassurance, love, declaration, or apology to compensate. When I am being I am in Danger, I am a bottomless pit, and you can't fill a bottomless pit.

The cost to Danger Man is that he is pressured, worried, scared, resistant, frustrated, angry, separate, confused, sick, powerless.

The cost to others is that they are helpless -- they can't help me to feel better, because my belief is preventing me from being helped.

What would be possible if I didn't believe this thought, I am in Danger? I would be free. I would enjoy my life, and I would fully engage in what I'm up to: generating love, joy, connection and inspiration. I would really let it in when people communicate with me and send me love. I would have fun! I would be really present with Danger Man and in my life. I would be engaged and fully self-expressed. I would be supple in my spirit and in my body -- things I have been thinking of as dangerous I would recognize clearly and make meaning that works for me in loving my life. I would be really present and alert and safe. I would be stronger than I've ever been. I would stand tall and bold, I would feel good. I would flap my wings like a duck. I would be free.

I am committing right now to generate being free and I am letting go of I am in Danger. I am creating being free right now in my mind and in my body. I am committed to having a conversation about this with Danger Man (interesting name, huh?) I am committing to forgiving myself, and I am committing to forgiving Danger Man and let go of holding onto past hurt. I am letting go of the notion that he or anyone else has the power to diminish me. I am whole, complete and perfect. I am safe and supported, and nothing in the past, present or future can interfere with my divine right flow right Now. I am free.

Thanks for listening to me so generously -- phew, this was long! And free.

[LifeFirst]

After reading through this thread I started thinking about a friend, or should I friendship that ended a while back between me and another guy.



Thing is, I met this guy one late night at school. And immediately we talked for what seem to be days. We just opened up our minds, talking about being ourselves, facing the truth. He was saying how he was scared to go home sometimes because his neighborhood had bad people in it, but he was happy to have talked with me. And I told him similar things about myself, we really heard each other's words. Everything was smooth

So we kept in contact recently. And I thought that he was somebody who was really looking for a good person to talk to. And I don't mind talking to him, he say his piece, I just respond with mine. But then I would find out about this little thing where I would say something, and he would innocently retort it at times, just laugh it off as if it was insignifcant. Like my words hold less value. Well, I just let it slip by, no big deal. Plus he was interesting, and talks way more than I do. I'm a good listener, I let it go.

Then there was this once he asked me a question, a really offensive, even personal question, but keep in mind, really offensive. I wasn't offended at first, because I thought he was only joking. Thing was he wasn't. I don't get offended easily, I answer the question. Of course there is no clear answer to it, I tell him what I want, what I think. He however is not satisfied, he wants more. But I told him no, that's it. This is the line, and if you dare cross it, I will push you back. We leave this lying in the shadows, we never drag this out ever again. You don't want to be stepping on landmines here. He said ok, but if you don't tell me, it means that you don't trust me. I was shocked that he would say that, because when I say no to anyone, they better respect that "no". They better, because I have always given that same respect to others, you hit that sensitive spot, then it's time to stop.


Then a couple of weeks later, he brought it up again, this time asking me again and again. And I kept on pushing him back, I didn't know my boundary didn't matter to him, and I felt disrespected. We had a long, peaceful, hell even engaging and funny talk about it, before we decided to end our relationship with peace, instead of being enemies. I'm actually glad I met someone like him, because he is someone who can tell me anything without being embarrassed by it.

I guess he was completely ok with vulnerable with me, even more so than me. Because I never asked him about anything offensive, personal, he chose to share it with me, he chose let me hold it, but I guess at the end of the day I can only shove it back at him because I felt there was no respect on his part. He wanted to open me up, dissect my anatomy like some surgeon, and unless you're my girlfriend or wife or someone I feel completely comfortable with, there's no reason for me to lay there and come under the knife.


But then again I don't understand why he couldn't respect my decision to keep the memories stay memories.

I thought I was already vulnerable as it is, I'm like an open wound really, because when we talked, I told him much, so much, more than what I can possibly tell anyone else (actually they never asked, but I'll tell), but there has to be a form of respect.

I don't know why I feel this, but maybe my invulnerability got the best of me this time. Or maybe I'm not in the wrong, maybe no one is, we just have different values and mindset on the idea of friendship and certain things.