Allowing Vulnerability

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Lola

I need steps, instructions, a check-off list...

• Distinguish your belief about yourself. ("When I'm vulnerable, that means I'm _____.")
  
• Examine it for your own truth.
  
• Ask yourself: what is believing this thought costing me? What does me believing it cost other people?
  
• What would be possible if I didn't believe it?
  
• What among those possibilities inspires me? (if nothing, go back to "Ask yourself.. and continue till you reach inspiration)
  
• Make a commitment to yourself to generate this inspiring new possibility, and practice letting go of believing the old pain belief.
  
• Rinse.
  
• Repeat.

[Lola]

alright - I'm workin' on it.

although I kinda feel like you just asked me to strip.

hmm. that might be easier!

speaking of strippers (not really but I told you this stresses me out and you know I deflect emotional stress with silliness) - but does anyone else find it curious that judging by the participants in this thread, only WOMEN have vulnerability issues? C'mon guys. I know better.

I miss Jim. Jim would be vulnerable with us.

[Angela]

Well, think of it as stripping for the mirror. You don't have to reveal anything to anyone else. Just take a bold look at yourself and see how incredibly fabulous and powerful you really are. We can already see it.

Regarding men, it doesn't surprise me at all. I think the idea of making yourself vulnerable is even more threatening for men, generally, than it is for us -- and look at how we freak out! I think maybe they get something for themselves out of reading about it, though, even if they don't want to post about it. I think that's true for women who don't want to post, too.

And then there's the people who think we're full of crap! (oohhh, that's me, being vulnerable and zippideedoodah)

[Lola]

Originally Posted by Angela

You don't have to reveal anything to anyone else.

Actually, I think I do. (Note: Freudian typo - I just typed "don't" instead of "do"!)

It's like aspiring said about having y'all here to feed me to the foxes. I know myself pretty well and with the level of anxiety this is bringing up, I'm liable to just *pretend* like I did the work and get back to stuffing it down deep (where it bygod belongs!) if I don't follow through with public exposure.

Originally Posted by Angela

And then there's the people who think we're full of crap!

What??? People think we're full of crap? Surely not.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Lola

Actually, I think I do. (Note: Freudian typo - I just typed "don't" instead of "do"!)

It's like aspiring said about having y'all here to feed me to the foxes. I know myself pretty well and with the level of anxiety this is bringing up, I'm liable to just *pretend* like I did the work and get back to stuffing it down deep (where it bygod belongs!) if I don't follow through with public exposure..

All that may be true, but you still don't have to do anything except die someday. But I get that you are making a very strong and powerful choice for yourself about making yourself vulnerable, by making yourself vulnerable about it! Congratulations, and thanks for being my hero!

[Lola]

• Distinguish your belief about yourself.
  When I'm vulnerable, that means I'm going to be hurt, taken advantage of, belittled, discounted, ridiculed, dismissed. I will be rejected, not only superficially, but at a core level for Who I Am.
  
  
• Examine it for your own truth.
  This is not who I am, these fearful, limiting beliefs. But history says it's what happens when I completely open up to someone. But then, history also says I'm courageous and powerful enough to protect and nurture myself.
  
  
• Ask yourself: what is believing this thought costing me? What does me believing it cost other people?
  The cost to me of the fearful, limiting beliefs is a disconnect from true intimacy of all kinds - familial, romantic, friends. Maintaining a barrier of protection around my feelings limits the closeness of others. It limits my experiences, dampens my enthusiasm, and holds my courage hostage. It makes me small.
  
  The cost of my belief to other people is they never really get the complete me. They get the 13", fuzzy reception, black and white me rather than the 46", flat screen, high def me. They get the careful, on-guard me.
  
  
• What would be possible if I didn't believe it?
  I'd be fierce! Fierce, sassy, courageous, free and joyful.
  
  
• What among those possibilities inspires me?
  All of those possibilities inspire me. Once upon a decade or two ago they are the exact words I would have used to describe myself.

I commit to myself (and to you, Pavlinites!) that I will consciously and courageously release my limiting beliefs as they arise. I will recognize that these beliefs and the feelings they invoke are not who I am and have no power in my present. I will trust myself to be my true (fierce, sassy, courageous, free, joyful) self. I will trust my ability to maintain safety and security within myself regardless of negativity, from others or self-directed. I will value myself enough to be open, allowing, accepting, risking, experiencing, growing, feeling, loving, and living. I will value others in my life enough to give them full access to an unrestricted me. In living color.




{{big exhale}}

[ZHereford]

Perhaps some of the fears we have in allowing ourselves to be vulnerable are associated with the notion that we must be vulnerable to everybody and anybody. I don't think this is necessarily the case. We should probably be as discriminate in this regard as we would be in anything we do.

[Dan.Linehan]

Wouldn't it be better to shoot for invincible instead of vulnerable?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Wouldn't it be better to shoot for invincible instead of vulnerable?

Well, it's something else entirely. Does being invincible inspire you, Dan?

Lola, awesome work! Please allow me to ask you to look a little more at your beliefs around vulnerability: the things you listed, and the things fear has stopped you from looking at just yet, What is your belief about yourself? Like: "I am (or am not) vulnerable, and that means I am _______." It will sound like your little gremlin, it will sound very familiar to you!

[Joely]

It's interesting... I posted once and then decided best to go do other things. I'm debating with myself whether to join in, or whether it would be better dealt with privately. I ran through the questions and my first response related to being in physical danger. It's not really the kind of thing I can do on an open forum.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by Joely

It's not really the kind of thing I can do on an open forum.

Especially when you aren't anonymous! That makes you really vulnerable!

[Emergence]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Wouldn't it be better to shoot for invincible instead of vulnerable?

I'm kinda thinking that to get to invincible you need to go by way of allowing vulnerable to be. I used to always obsess over how people perceived me so that I built up barriers - this could be seen as 'invincible' but it was really just defended. I got so sick (literally) of myself that in order to come out of it I went on a massive mission to work out what I believed in/who and how I wanted to be. Five years later I'm still doing this. With issues that scare me I have a tendency to force myself to be vulnerable by talking about these issues with people I trust and more gradually/in a limited way with people I know less well. I can get a bit defiant - especially when it's over living my life in a way that a lot of people aren't comfortable with. Being completely authentic is vulnerable but it opens up whole new possibilities for having a life of truth, meaning and healthful happiness. But I find with each new expression of my differences and depth I feel less vulnerable and more invincible - the world doesn't come crashing down as I commit to my truth but opens up before me...

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by Emergence

I'm kinda thinking that to get to invincible you need to go by way of allowing vulnerable to be. ...

I would have to agree with this point. By being vulnerable you learn to be resilient and ultimately invincible. It's like building muscle. The more you work out, the stronger you become.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

Especially when you aren't anonymous! That makes you really vulnerable!

That's very true.

Something else did strike me last night though, as I was thinking about vulnerability. It applies to how we approach life, as well, not just other people.

Think about it: people avoid vulnerability by staying in jobs they hate that are "safe", spend their lives girding themselves about to avoid things, about which they think all the time. They avoid the greats of life as well as the "lows".

Making yourself vulnerable to what life throws at you allows you to be open to the wonderfulness of life as well as the possible horrors. I've found, in the state I'm in at the moment, that being utterly vulnerable to life is turning out to be a great learning experience. It's really challenged me - I'm vulnerable to it all going wrong, but through this, I'm also becoming vulnerable to things going amazingly right. Despite how scary it's been lately, I'm incredibly grateful for this opportunity to be vulnerable that way.

I'll work on my vulnerability to other issues in my life privately

[ZHereford]

So well said Joely!

You're absolutely right in that who said everything will go smoothly? It never does, nor is it meant to.

We're here to learn and develop and sometimes the greatest lessons come from painful experiences. The most insightful, wise and empathetic people have overcome and conquered difficult life situations.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

So well said Joely!

You're absolutely right in that who said everything will go smoothly? It never does, nor is it meant to.

We're here to learn and develop and sometimes the greatest lessons come from painful experiences. The most insightful, wise and empathetic people have overcome and conquered difficult life situations.

Have you heard of Proust? Towards the end of his life he said that the best times of his life were the ones when he was suffering, when he was in pain, because he learnt so much - the times he was happy, he didn't learn a thing.

I had a dream last night where Marcel Proust wanted to meet with me at my local book store. I showed up feeling very nervous because I hadn't read any of his work. Now that's me feeling vulnerable - I don't like admitting I haven't read people's work, especially when I'm about to meet them!

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by Lola

Yeah, you're right. For example, loneliness sets in from time to time. But then I remind myself how much better off I am now, alone, than previously with someone who terrorized and wounded me. So I am still dealing with a certain level of suffering and sorrow (alone) but have convinced myself it's preferable to being with someone who may invoke the scarier, mortally hurtful suffering and sorrow.

I know exactly what you mean about that Lola. I was married to a guy for 13 years that used every bit of info that I ever let slip out as a means to mentally torture me later. I learned to just SHUT UP and never let anything out as a means to defend myself, and later, after I finally had the courage to make him leave, I would say to myself that at least I had escaped with my life, and that that was worth the loneliness.
Fortunately, I have met a man who has been extraordinarily patient with me and is willing to call me on my behavior when I start to do the "shut the door, close the windows and pull in the welcome mat" thing that I do when I feel threatened. He knows to just come over anyway and remind me that I am judging him unfairly based on past experiences with someone else. I still have a way to go though. For instance, he offers me unlimited use of his gas card because he knows how strapped I often am. All I have to do is ask. But asking puts me in the position of showing weakness. So I wait and hope he'll remember that it's been awhile since I last filled up. I'll even reduce myself to dropping little, stupid hints hoping he'll understand what I'm getting at. And when that fails I just go and fill up on my own credit card. Silly, huh?

By the way Lola, what do you do? Are you a massage therapist?

[ZHereford]

Oh my goodness Joely - he's one of my favorite writers! What a coincidence!

I'm writing my icebreaker speech for Toastmasters and I'm going to use his style in talking about myself (only the remembrance parts). I loved his 'Remembrance of Things Past/In Search of Lost Time'. I never finished reading it though because it's over 3,000 pages long, but his detailed descriptions fascinated me.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

Oh my goodness Joely - he's one of my favorite writers! What a coincidence!

I'm writing my icebreaker speech for Toastmasters and I'm going to use his style in talking about myself (only the remembrance parts). I loved his 'Remembrance of Things Past/In Search of Lost Time'. I never finished reading it though because it's over 3,000 pages long, but his detailed descriptions fascinated me.

Now that is freaky! As far as I remember he wanted to speak to me about my books.

[Lola]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Wouldn't it be better to shoot for invincible instead of vulnerable?

Well, that depends on what invincible means for you. It sounds like impenetrable to me. Like nothing and no one can get at me; I am impervious to defeat. But not in the growth way, through vulnerability, as Emergence says, but in the stuck, self-protective, keeping everyone at arm's length way.

[Lola]

Originally Posted by Emergence

I'm kinda thinking that to get to invincible you need to go by way of allowing vulnerable to be.
---
Being completely authentic is vulnerable but it opens up whole new possibilities for having a life of truth, meaning and healthful happiness. But I find with each new expression of my differences and depth I feel less vulnerable and more invincible - the world doesn't come crashing down as I commit to my truth but opens up before me...

Well said, Emergence, and exemplifies what I'm trying to get to through this thread. Congrats! btw for sticking to it.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by Joely

Now that is freaky! As far as I remember he wanted to speak to me about my books.

It is indeed!

Maybe he's in your dream to suggest greater detail. I'm kidding of course!

[Lola]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

I know exactly what you mean about that Lola. I was married to a guy for 13 years that used every bit of info that I ever let slip out as a means to mentally torture me later. I learned to just SHUT UP and never let anything out as a means to defend myself, and later, after I finally had the courage to make him leave, I would say to myself that at least I had escaped with my life, and that that was worth the loneliness.

Yeah, I was thinking of you actually. We've had very similar paths.

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

By the way Lola, what do you do? Are you a massage therapist?

Yep. Primarily sports massage, sports injury rehab, pain management, that sort of thing. (which explains the baseball team!)

[Lola]

Originally Posted by Joely

It's interesting... I posted once and then decided best to go do other things. I'm debating with myself whether to join in, or whether it would be better dealt with privately. I ran through the questions and my first response related to being in physical danger. It's not really the kind of thing I can do on an open forum.

I totally understand, Joely. I'm forcing myself, in a sense, to do it in this manner because in two years I haven't moved forward like I would like to have with this issue. Possibly because as long as I can keep it to myself I can keep it buried.

Perhaps you'll get some pieces you can use in your private excavation. And please keep reading and commenting. You're very insightful and helpful!

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Lola

I totally understand, Joely. I'm forcing myself, in a sense, to do it in this manner because in two years I haven't moved forward like I would like to have with this issue. Possibly because as long as I can keep it to myself I can keep it buried.

Perhaps you'll get some pieces you can use in your private excavation. And please keep reading and commenting. You're very insightful and helpful!

I empathise with that - I've been avoiding it and burying it for a while too. I was raped two years ago and it brought things to the point where I just swore off the whole thing. Right now, I'm focusing on other things in my life, and will come back to it when I'm ready to progress. My whole life is in total upheaval right now, so it's not really the kind of time when I'm able to sit down and think "Hey, I'll work on this issue as well!"

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

I would have to agree with this point. By being vulnerable you learn to be resilient and ultimately invincible. It's like building muscle. The more you work out, the stronger you become.

I'm not sure that I would ever want to be invincible, as that implies (to me anyway) that I am done with the trip. Learned it all, no where else to go or grow.

One point about vulnerability, offering it to someone in a relationship, is like giving them a gift. By Angela showing her vulnerability over there in the other thread, she was saying that she valued and trusted all of us to take care of her in her moment of need. In her having the ability to show her weakness, I believed that she actually showed real strength rather than vulnerability.
(I'm not sure if I'm making myself very clear here !!!!)

[Lola]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

Perhaps some of the fears we have in allowing ourselves to be vulnerable are associated with the notion that we must be vulnerable to everybody and anybody. I don't think this is necessarily the case. We should probably be as discriminate in this regard as we would be in anything we do.

And herein lies the core of things that I didn't quite get to in all the work last night.

Originally Posted by Angela

Please allow me to ask you to look a little more at your beliefs around vulnerability: the things you listed, and the things fear has stopped you from looking at just yet, What is your belief about yourself? Like: "I am (or am not) vulnerable, and that means I am _______." It will sound like your little gremlin, it will sound very familiar to you!

Of course it does. The tape that's been running most of my life.

I am vulnerable and that means I am STUPID!

I am too stupid to make good decisions in regards to relationships.
I am too stupid to discriminate who is trustworthy and who is not.
I stupidly married the wrong person.
And then I stupidly stayed in that marriage for far too long.
I am easily manipulated and taken advantage of because I am so stupid.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Look what you put yourself through.
Look at the damage.
You should have known better.
No one else (but another idiot) will ever want to be with someone so stupid.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by Lola

Well, that depends on what invincible means for you. It sounds like impenetrable to me. Like nothing and no one can get at me; I am impervious to defeat. But not in the growth way, through vulnerability, as Emergence says, but in the stuck, self-protective, keeping everyone at arm's length way.

Invincible doesn't mean impenetrable or "closed off" to me.

Invincible, to me, means basically doing whatever is right, because what's the worst that could happen?

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by Emergence

I'm kinda thinking that to get to invincible you need to go by way of allowing vulnerable to be...

But I find with each new expression of my differences and depth I feel less vulnerable and more invincible - the world doesn't come crashing down as I commit to my truth but opens up before me...

I agree, Emergence.

I've let myself be very vulnerable many times over the years, and in doing so, I set myself up for all sorts of bad stuff to happen. But through that process I also gained this attitude that since I had already lived through all this ridiculous stuff, nothing that bad could really happen again.

I'm not scared of being vulnerable. My mental "worse case scenario" is just not that bad, no matter what happens.

[Angela]

Wow, that really sounds like it landed for you, Lola!! I've got that one, too -- your little gremlin and mine are really resonating with each other. I am so happy for you, and grateful to you, too! I think I used that same "stupid, stupid, stupid" chant in my other thread, and still wasn't seeing it for myself. Little girls, running our lives!

Do you want to go through the rest of the questions, using the specific belief, "I am vulnerable, and that means I am stupid"?

when you can nail it down so succinctly, some amazing possibilities can come up!