Messed up Situation! What's My Destination?

[jkind]

To any who will listen,

I am distraught, frustrated and oftentimes angry. My situation is this...
I've been married going on 5 years, 6years total if you include pre-marriage, and longer if you include our teen dating years involving a certain 5.0 Mustang and a disapproving father.

For the last month and a half my wife has been adamant about a divorce. Her reasons lie with lack of trust and promises broken. Recently she found out that I had smoked marijuana and then when confronted, I lied, played it off, and in the case of the last confrontation, openly explained the behavior that I chose to partake in.

This situation gets much stickier than this. In an attempt to make a long story short, my hand was dealt as thus.

She is upset because I went against something I said 2 years ago. And that is that I will never smoke again, Ever. I think that I have been lying to her ever since. See, she used to smoke, and even so after I made that vow, but on the low. The issue lies in this.

I am currently on probation and have been for the last 9 years for somethin g I did when I was 18 with some buddies. Irrelevant, however as a condition I am tested for drug use practically every month. 9 years, and I have always covered my ass, knowing I have a tendency to cut loose and smoke from time to time. No problems until 2years ago, popped for dirty, and I was "abducted" from supervision office and extradited to Wisconsin. Needless to say, it was unexpected, and did quite a shock to our relationship. I left my Wife and Child high and dry for 8mos, which was my punishment and ultimately theirs.

Through some grace, we made reparations, and renewed support for each other, but ever since I came back , something profound has been missing between us. That was 2 years ago, and we're to this point. Though I have not been violated and tested dirty in any way shape or form, the idea that I would even consider gettin "high" ever compromises our family. I agree totally, no b.s.

Though nowadays I am the rare smoker of herbs., it doesn't reduce the fact that I renigged on my word. I've gone through the typical stages of this whole deal. Agreeing , Disagreeing, Apologizing , lashing out, etc. I don't want this to happen, though I was warned about it should it ever come to pass. I didn't take her word seriously enough, and I didn't stand by my word faithfully. I don't have to say that no matter how disfunctional things have gotten between us, I still can't stay mad for long, and love this woman unconditionally.

She claims that she loves me still, though cannot look past this hurt I've inflicted. I was and am wrong. Though still through this situation I maintain the belief that I've always unwaveringly had, and that's that marijuana is a natural herb put here for many uses over the course of history. It's neither menacing or malignant to the average user, and this numbers many. Not my decision: however as a lifelong artist, and current CG professional, it has merely been used as a tool to unclog my creative plumbing. Excuse that it is, I feel it holds true. For whatever reason, I come back time and again to the smoking dilema I've had. Not because I'm a pothead, but because of that inner struggle that contradicts the guidelines that society has defined for each of us.

Her fears are genuine. One absent-minded choice on my behalf may render me a positive test result. Despite my 9years of law-abiding behavior under my belt, I could potentially go to jail if I were to press my luck. I've always known this, though for the life of me, I have tried my luck time and time again always trying the law of numbers.

Am I genuinely sorry? Not sure, I've smoked weed over the majority of the last 11years. Soon to be 27 now. From experience I know I'm not classified as A-typical "pothead". My accomplishments are diverse, my passions lived out, and my priorities well sorted out.

Recently I graduated a well respected college for the digital arts, those such as Computer Animation, or related Game design from the visual side. I and 5 partners have started an entertainment developement company that we each have invested ourselves into, etc. etc.

Aside from the pursuit of incorporation and bringing my creativity to the world, I have taken up 2 jobs, part -time. Despite events notwithstanding, I am doing my very best to play it cool. I was asked to move out and given a 30 day request by my wife. Though I am primary on the lease, naturally I should be the bigger man, and take up the task of relocating to a new pad. Given the current situation, I am still doing as I always have done. I pay my half of every bill, including rent, buy my own food, daycare, everything as usual. We live together right now as if nothing has changed, except the realization every day that I wake up, that I blew it, and from this **** up, there isn't an explanation that'll make things ok. In essence our days are numbered. Still sleep in the same bed, but there is no kissin and makin up.

What scares me is that after 6weeks or so of this constant chip, I'm startin to maybe see things her way.. Doubt is taking hold and I wonder if this isn't a
metaphor like when one door closes, another door opens. Pro's and Con's all day long, but nothing can fill the indescribable gap that I feel now.

Part of me has come to accept her wishes, and the other part of me that sits alone and brews on this wants to just "explode" Physically and mentally. Just let go and scream from frustration. My spoilt ass isn't getting his way this time. Crazy enough though, in my mind, I would not have her give in just like that. One thing that I respect still in her is her resolve. Likely that it is one of her traits I was attracted to, She will not drop this one, as to do so would to be admitting that she's wrong, or that my behavior can be compromised.

In actuality I hold myself accountable, as I must. I commited the crime, I knew the consequences, and now I reap what I sow. This doesn't change the incredible history we have, or the love that we share, and still by her confession shares.

Out of the last few years of our marriage its embedded that she has never forgiven or even confronted the leftover feelings from when I was nearly "taken" away.

From due course I obviously felt neglected emotionally and physically. Though I'm a part of this family, even today I've always felt like an incompetent outsider. An offender if you will. Wanting to move on with my life and leave that nasty abduction behind has proved ineffective. What I put them through is overwhelming, and sick as I felt on my end, it leaves nothing to minutely compare to the position she was put in.

I've never figured out the secret to healing such a blow In my life. Regrets are few but hard lessons are abundant. I've decided to give her her absolute space by moving out. Not far because of the need/obligation to my daughter who's now almost 5. Right now I have something to prove to myself, and thats that I can/will/have to make it through this regardless. Apologies have been sent, and surely my actions from hence forth will dictate the type of relationship if any my spouse and I have in the future.

This should be continued, as with any situation it goes so much deeper, but its late, I'm tired, and despite our best efforts, the world stumbles on with or without us. Please let me know what you think so far. I'm open to the harshest of opinions.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I'll start by saying that weed is no big deal to me.

That said, I think it's a big deal in this situation. There's a huge difference between being a regular Joe pothead and being taken from your family for 8 months because you came up dirty. You made some choices in the past that are still with you. Your wife must have had a really difficult time knowing you would risk leaving her and your daughter behind just so you could smoke. And now, she sees it as a possiblity again. I am not saying that loving someone means doing what they think you should. But really, what is more important, weed or your family?

Make your choice and take it from there.

[Matthew Shea]

Your wife must have had a really difficult time knowing you would risk leaving her and your daughter behind just so you could smoke.

This really is the crux of the situation and you've completely lost her trust because of it. It seems to me that you need to concede defeat to her, move out as she's demanded and take some concrete steps to putting the pot behind you for good. I think the key to doing that, and it seems to me that you haven't truly accepted this yet, is to come to the realization that if you don't want to risk jail, you can never smoke pot again. Whether it's fair or not or whether it's a big deal or not is irrelevant. For you, it's ulimately important to your future. The Man demands that you stay clean and the Man will make your life and that of your loved ones completely miserable if you don't comply. So doesn't it make more sense to accept that which you can't control, as they say in AA, and simply stop smoking? This isn't a matter of principle. It's a matter of practicality, pure and simple.

As far as your wife is concerned, I have no idea whether or not she'll accept you back eventually, but I can tell you this: the longer you resist her demands to leave, the more her resolve will grow to permanently rid herself of the risk that comes with an intimate relationship with you. You can't win a battle like that.

[robc]

trust can be regained in alot of the worst situations & scenarios.

The way to rebuild trust is consistency of action.

Be a man of your word, don't try to quit, DO quit.

Trying is a word that automatically implies failure.
I will try to quit already implies the possibility of failure.

I WILL QUIT! I DO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY!

Your wife has a need in this relationship, the need for security & safety.
You don't offer her this anymore so she can't trust you anymore.
You lied and went against your own word.

Is weed the worst drug in the world - I don't think so but I don't smoke it.
If you feel that it's possible to smoke weed again and I think it is possible because you gave us a bit of defense in your opening post about how it's harmless. I'll give you a peek from the other side, it is harmless to you but very harmful to your wife's safety & security as well as your daughters. That is the viewpoint you need to look at it from, drop your viewpoint.

Don't argue about it with your wife either. Or look at this way, if you are right and she is wrong in this discussion but she feels she has a valid point and some good reasoning behind her views, is it possible that she could be 10, 20 or 30% right? If so then you should assume she is right. Agree with her.

Another thing to do to prove to your wife & kid and most importantly yourself.
Go cold turkey, no more weed and get help - get involved with some addiction treatment. It doesn't sound like it's extremely addictive to you but when you give reasons why it's ok to smoke weed you are defending the habit which shows that your ideas, mindset & pattern of behavior are still aligned with the possibility of smoking weed. Your wife sees this although you don't. Get in an addiction treatment program, let her know that you are doing this for you and not for her. And be sincere about it. Get your help and free yourself from the weed. Maybe it sounds stupid to hear that but again look at it from your wife's point of view.

Stop focusing on your wife, put that relationship on hold. Focus on your kid, be the best parent that you can be for her, that means being responsible - no more weed smoking, supporting your family and taking care of your kid, being an active parent and a great dad, someone your daughter will be proud to call her father when she grows up. That's your work for now.

Don't bother your wife and tell her "look I've changed, look what I'm doing".
That won't work, in fact this will drive her away even more. Just make the necessary changes in your life, be the best person you can be. If you make the required changes and are consistent in your actions, your wife may see a real change in you. It won't take your words or reasoning to convince her, just solid reputable actions from someone who can be trusted. Don't focus on weeks, look at it in terms of months & possibly years. Yes, it could take that long. You've caused a bit of damage and it will require time to fix what you've broken - there are no overnight magic potions to fix what you've done.

Don't bother your wife by calling her, telling her you love her and how much you need her. That will drive her away. You've hurt her and she won't allow that pain in her life anymore. Plus it will just show you have low self-esteem if you beg her to reconsider and why would she want to be with someone who has low self-esteem, that wouldn't add any value to her life.

You need to be a strong man, improve yourself for you first (that's important, if the change isn't really for you, it won't last), then for your kid and then for your wife.

Be a man of your word, be an awesome father, get enrolled in a treatment program and take care of business: supporting your family even if you can't have a relationship with your wife.

You show your wife you can do this and don't complain when things go bad every now & then (ex. "but look at all the progress I've made") and don't start up big conversations, don't call her 10 times every day to ask how she is, call to ask about your daughter and be polite and ask her how she is doing as well, keep it limited to small talk. Don't text msg her a dozen times a day, no need for roses & chocolates either. Don't attempt to be controlling or manipulative either, that will drive her further away. Just politely agree to everything she has to say, you were wrong so suck it up and agree that you were.

Just be a real man, if you can accomplish that, you will win back the trust of your wife and regain the family that you've lost. And if you can't do that... well you know the answer to that already, you're living that result right now.

If you want the best life, create it first in yourself. You want a great relationship, be the change in your relationship that will make it great.

No more smoking weed for you and it isn't as harmless as you thought either, I'd say it's very dangerous, it cost you your family - that's a pretty steep price to pay for smoking up and getting some temporary relief from reality.

Your life, choose what you want to do, I think it's pretty clear what needs to be done but that's just my opinion. Good Luck, let us know how it works out.

[skywalker160]

This kind of reminds me of that afroman song.

"I messed up my entire life, because I got high"

Lions eating Men is natural,but we've taken steps to stops this.

Same goes for marijuana.

There's a reason why it's illegal. It causes a lot of problems for a lot of people.

I'd suggest giving up, but that's just me.

Somebody said it well above, what's more important, the girl or the weed?

Hope this helps

Jonathan.

[Angela]

I also have no problem with pot and don't feel it should be illegal, and I almost never use *shoulds*.

And. Your post is so full of waffling, smoke and mirrors that I had to laugh out loud several times. You make promises, you break them, you rationalize, you lie, you absolve yourself, you tiptoe around the truth, you feel sorry for yourself, you feel regret, .... on and on and on it goes. If that's how you are with her, no wonder your wife doesn't trust you!

It boils down to this, as Aspiring said: you are constantly making choices that put your wife and child way, way down on the list of priorities, and you lie like a rug. To others and to yourself.

I know you are not going to suddenly start being straight just because I say it's a good idea. But I recommend that you take a very hard look at how much your behavior is costing you and your family, and see what inspired action you can take to scrape up some modicum of integrity in your life. If you don't do that, then your wife and child are far better off without you in their lives, and I think you know that and love them enough to want the best for them. If you don't want to change yourself, let them go with love.