is this a normal part of change?

[evacorges]

The last years I have been discovering who I am, what I like, and what I want to do with my life. (as opposed to living the life I thought people expected me to live)

This has now culminated in my training for a job I really love, that gives me energy, that is good for me and the people I am working with. Training for this job involves 100 practice sessions before I can take the licencing exam.
I feel so great after the practice sessions! I feel whole and I love life, and me, and other people.

But.
It seems to be having a negative vibe to my relationship with my husband. I know we have grown apart some, he doesn't understand my need to do work that gives me joy, but now I don't seem to find him attractive any more.
It is as though our relationship seemed good when life was somber and difficult for me. Now I am enjoying life more, is seems to put my relationship in a different light and I catch myself thinking that I would not choose this partner if I had to make a choice today.

My question to the forum is - is this a normal phase to pass through? Is there hope that with work we can overcome this?

[veranadine]

Yes this is a normal part of making changes that raise one's own self-esteem and give one an emotional boost.

There is hope that you can work through this.

Once things have settled a bit (in your mind as well as your lives) you may find that the difficulty seems to pass on its own. Or you may find that it becomes easier for the two of you to talk openly and honestly about what is going on between you.

The change that we make for ourself is the most important, it is what allows us to build true and strong mutually-beneficial relationships with others. If we neglect our own self and our true desire then we tend to attract relationships that do the same to us.

If you make the decisions and take the actions that you know are right for you, then you know that any other outcome, no matter how turbulent it may seem for a time, as also the right one for you.

Trust in the Universe and Yourself.

Blessings,

[sheffy4]

Has your husband been pulling away from you, or have you been pulling away from your husband?
Have you been sharing your new life with your husband, or are you separating the two?
Just a thought, but maybe his frustration stems from feeling like he isn't as important to you anymore. Maybe he misses you because you spend so much time working. If you work at it (and make it a priority), it is possible to spend the time you need working, while also specifically making time to spend with your husband. And make that quality time! Do something fun that brings you together.

[evacorges]

Thanks for your useful reply, Sheffy

Originally Posted by sheffy4

Has your husband been pulling away from you, or have you been pulling away from your husband?
Have you been sharing your new life with your husband, or are you separating the two? .

I think I have been pulling away from my husband. He is unable to share my enthusiasm for the new direction I have taken. He thinks it is a step backwards. And it is, if you look at the qualifications and training I have. I succeeded in making myself utterly miserable in working in my previous area though, and where I am now I am able to connect to who I am and what makes life important to me every day. Working makes me happy.
He believes earning capacity is what work is for, not 'being happy'. So I am unable to share my joys and discoveries with him. I share those with others, basically, or with myself. I try to tell him about it, but I feel like I hit a wall every time.

Originally Posted by sheffy4

If you work at it (and make it a priority), it is possible to spend the time you need working, while also specifically making time to spend with your husband. And make that quality time! Do something fun that brings you together.

I have been trying to think of fun things we used to do together. All of them seem to have been things he liked that I went along with because he liked them. When he went along with things I liked that he didn't really, it was because of lack of finances. Currently, money is not a problem, so he wants the more expensive solutions, and I am unwilling to spend time doing things I don't really enjoy either. So I am not riding on the back of his motorbike, and he is not going camping with me anymore. He wants a hotel. A good one too. We have been unable to settle on joint holidays for years.
We went to a movie together a couple of months back though, and enjoyed it. And we went bowling with the kids, and that was fun.

I am going to focus on doing more of those kinds of things, then. Good pointer, thanks!

[evacorges]

Veranadine, Thank you for your reply
You are probably right about being patient about the whole thing, and thank you for confirming what I know/feel to be true:

Originally Posted by veranadine

[indent][color="DarkOrchid"]
If you make the decisions and take the actions that you know are right for you, then you know that any other outcome, no matter how turbulent it may seem for a time, as also the right one for you.

I seem to be a trendsetter for this attitude among the people I interact with most. I find it is taking a lot of courage to do what I know is right for me.
I do know a couple of people who do encourage me a lot, but there are days and weeks I just keep away from contacting them for fear of more turbulence I see now, that is not helping me any, cause the upheaval is going to come anyway. I am not getting off this path and going back to doing the things I think people are expecting me to do.

You know, I feel like I imagine it would to come out of the closet. Turn people's expectations of me upside down and pick my own path. In spite of what others think.

I just wish my husband would be one of the ones cheering me on. There is hope form him, in a way, because he has learned to pay compliments to me when I take trouble to look and dress attractively. He is not a static entity, and he is trying.

Sorry about the rambling -- It seems to have helped me see some positive things though, so thank you for your time and attention

Eva

[Lola]

Yay for you Eva!

It sounds like you are courageously making changes in your life that bring you into greater alignment with your authentic self.

Originally Posted by evacorges

It is as though our relationship seemed good when life was somber and difficult for me. Now I am enjoying life more, is seems to put my relationship in a different light and I catch myself thinking that I would not choose this partner if I had to make a choice today.

As you're seeing, often it is our closest relationships that are most resistant to our change. The people we think would be the first to join us in celebrating our new discoveries are growling and grumbling. Which makes sense when you think about it. Your relationship with your husband has had a certain definition. He is this way and you are that way and everyone knows what to expect out of everyone else. Then there you go - redefining yourself! Heading off down a path that's not on the map! (Go girl! ).

Redefining yourself isn't just about you. It redefines your relationship as well. This challenges not only what he's always known (and expects) you to be, but who he is within the relationship. So now your changes are placing a requirement of change in his life.

In addition to that dynamic, which as vera says, may adjust in time, consider that your thoughts of choosing a different partner if you had the chance, interjects an energy into your marriage that affects all three of you. You, him, and the entity of your relationship.

I absolutely encourage you to keep with the forward momentum you have going. Perhaps in time, with increased awareness all around, your marriage will find contentment in its new definition.

Good luck!