In an abusive relationship and need out

[mmq1971]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi everyone, my name is Michelle and I am 36 yrs old. For the past 13 months now I have been involved in a very unhealthy relationship. My b/f fights with me everyday and calls me the most terrible names and threatens to kill me and my animals. I feel I can never do enough for him and that he will never be happy. Every time he gets upset he says I made him react that way. I am so tormented I have left the relationship several times but keep taking him back..

I feel so stupid I was always the girl who said "I would never put up with that" I don't understand how I could love somebody who treats me so bad. I know he is nuts and I know I don't deserve this but I keep taking him back.....why?? Can anybody tell me and can anybody tell me how to leave him and leave him for good. I am desperate and fear for the safety of my family and myself. I appreciate any and all replys.

Warm Regards,
Michelle

[Angela]

Everybody's the person who said they'd never put up with that. The abuser systematically over time trains you to believe that you deserve his treatment, and that all your instincts are wrong. That is how he controls you. There is nothing wrong with you.

Please contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline immediately, Michelle. They will help you do what it takes to feel strong and safe. Please do not wait until you have lost what's most valuable to you before you make this move, Michelle -- please contact them right away.

Lots of love and courage to you,
Angela

[Erin Pavlina]

It's not a question of whether you love him or not. You can love someone even if they abuse you. Look at kids and their abusive parents.

The question here is how much you love yourself. You can see logically that you need to get out. Act on that. Then, when your energy is stronger and more clear, and you're not under his emotional influence anymore, make your next decision. Do not believe him when he says he will change. Let him "change" without you.

Are you economically dependent on him? Are you able to move away from him and take care of your survival needs?

[The Cloud]

That's a good question, why do you keep taking him back? I don't think anybody here can tell you, unless they have a very similar personal experience. But it seems to me that you are the one that could answer that question without our help, being that you are the one originating the behavior.

So my recommendation, along with what Angela has proposed, is to really look at the reasons you take him back, and ask yourself why those reasons are worth taking him back for. Don't ask yourself why you do the things you do, ask yourself why you feel the ways you feel or believe the ways you believe. For example, asking yourself why you love him is a rabbit-hole of a question, it's very difficult to answer and probably is a combination of factors. But ask yourself;

Why do I keep taking him back?
Because I love him.
Why is that important enough to make me take him back?
Because I'm afraid that I'll lose him and his love for me.
Why am I afraid?
Because I don't want to be alone.
Why do I feel lonely?

This is just hypothetical, it's doubtful that it will actually happen like that. But notice how the questions are about feelings, desires, and beliefs, rather than actions. If you do some soul-searching, you'll find your answer.

[Old Soul]

If you really love him (((( leave him))))))......... stop being his excuse , stop enabling his abuse..

you are his perfect excuse to be who he is......... he needs you so that he can continue to be abusive

You do not have the right to put your family at his abusive disposal...... you have the responsibility to keep your family safe

thats it thats all..........

get some abuse councelling now!!

I believe in you and I support your decision to leave~~~ HUG

[mmq1971]

thank you everyone, people like you make the world stronger, I have left him now I just need to stay strong and I am in the midst of getting counsilling, I am learning to love myself a little more every day, God bless all of you.

Michelle

[Old Soul]

Originally Posted by mmq1971

thank you everyone, people like you make the world stronger, I have left him now I just need to stay strong and I am in the midst of getting counsilling, I am learning to love myself a little more every day, God bless all of you.

Michelle

Michelle!!! good for you!!! I support your decission!! I believe in you ,

((((((((HUGZ)))))))))

[robc]

Work on loving yourself, time to pump up your self-esteem...

After reading your post I can tell you have a huge self-esteem problem but you've taken a step in the right direction by letting him go.

One way to fight fire with fire is the next time he confronts you and tells you that you are the reason why he acts the way he does, don't argue with him.
In fact, just agree with him 100%. Tell him he is right, that you are the reason that he acts the way he does. He obviously believes this enough himself, agree with him and tell him because of that same reason (that he is the way he is because of what you do) that you can't see him anymore. Agree that it's your fault (obviously it's not true but agree) and tell him that you don't like causing that reaction in him and that you can't change so this will always be the way it is. I'm sure you'll get a puzzled look from him because instead of arguing with him and trying to defend yourself against his claims, you are agreeing with him and essentially putting up a white flag. He has nothing left to argue with at this point because you've told him he is right and that it's your fault (again it isn't your fault but saying this will get rid of him). And then tell him you can't go on being with him because you won't change and you will always bring the worst out in him, you're leaving him for his own good and that he deserves someone alot better than you.

That should take the wind out of his sails and you can live your life without this bum from now on without having to worry about going back to him.

He's been messing with your mind long enough making you believe something that isn't true, maybe you should return the favor; it will definitely screw up his mindset.

[Matthew Shea]

Michelle,

God bless you and best of luck in staying strong. I admittedly have zero experience in situations like this, but I sincerely wish you the best of strength in staying away from your ex.

Matt

[Honeywith4bees]

I don't suggest questioning your motives about why you keep taking him back right now. Right now I suggest getting away and STAYING away!
Angela is right that abusers systematically tear down the very person you are until you no longer even know yourself anymore. In my experience, I began to truly believe that I was the crazy one. Get away Michelle and stay away. You'll wake up one day and suddenly realize what a complete fog you had been in during those 13 months.

Good luck and take care!!!

[SystemsThinker]

Michelle,

Abusive relationships like this bring up what's known as the "repetition compulsion." In many areas, and especially in relationships, we can end up in this pattern of being constantly drawn back to situations that seem self-destructive. We also can find ourselves magnetically attracted to people who again and again fit certain patterns, even without seeing it at the time.

I think you might find this concept of the repetition compulsion in relationships very enlightening because it may help you gain some clarity on the very real draw that these types of things have for us. Once you understand that more, then you can really have more power to make conscious decisions over what to do.

There is a lot of information about this topic, as well as links to a lot of relevant resources in a post I recently wrote called Choosing Intimate Partners: To Repeat or Not to Repeat? I hope you find it useful. I definitely empathize with you or anyone stuck in that kind of trapped situation. I have been there many times and the kind of information I wrote about on that page is what has helped me make progress with it.

[DreamAndProsper]

Treat yourself with respect and honor and get out. Life is too short to deal with bad relationships. I know it is hard but time is all you have and you may find one day you have less than you think. Leave now. Call a support line or women's shelter if you need to. Good Luck.

[Holistic Star]

Well done on finally making the break. It can be hard to break free.

I had a horrible relationship that I look back at now and think 'why did I put up with that?' but the reality for me at the time was that I felt completly responsible for his happiness.

I kept trying to leave after each of his 'episodes' but each time I did he was so sorry and cried so much that I felt sorry for him and I felt responsible for causing him so much pain. I'm guessing that you feel much of that same responsibility for your ex's happiness. I can't think how many 'last chances' I gave him.

Funnily enough, when I left he said he hadn't realised I really meant it the last time that his 'last chance' really was a last chance and this time he really would change. (Yeah right!)

After I finally left it took months of phonecalls, suicide threats, him turning up at random times with gifts etc before he finally left. I had to be strong every single time and put up with emotional abuse and accusations, it did stop in the end. It was definitely the right decision, just wish I had done it sooner!

[mmq1971]

Holistic your old situation seems alot like mine, the last chance I gave him he was good to me for 2 days, then one day I waved to a friend and he flipped, he even held three weapons to my throat in a span of two hours. He locked me in my bathroom and said this is where your going to die ♥♥♥♥♥, I was terrified....then he said I just want to talk and I looked at him in tears and he didn't even care, he told me if I didn't stop crying he would slice my throat so I had to stop, finally he left my home and when I locked the doors I said to him you realize what you have done here tonight, I gave you a last chance and now I am never looking back and I haven't. The funny thing is he said to when he left I don't love you, and why would I want to be with a 36 year old who has a kid, that hurt the most, I thought he loved me, but I don't care anymore what he thinks, I am hurting still, I did love him, hell I would have married him, but you know what I love MYSELF more.

Thankyou for your words

[Holistic Star]

Hey Michelle, what a nasty thing to say. You know he's just trying to hit you where it hurts. He knows how to get to you and he's going for the jugular - both literally and metaphorically. He's hurting (and he knows deep down it's because of his own actions) so he's lashing out and wants to hurt you as well.

I didn't realise you had a kid. Thank goodness s/he isn't going to grow up with your ex as an example of how to be an adult. You've made the right choice ending it.

If you are scared of future repercussions and given that your ex has made threats to kill your or your family I think it would be a good idea to speak to your local police department and let them know you are potentially at risk. Hopefully it is all empty threats. I would also keep a diary logging dates / times of any further incidents as evidence in case you need it. They will be able to advise you of what you should do.

Let me assure you that when you are ready you will find someone who loves you and loves your kid aswell.

I've had a happy ending to my story. 2 years later I met someone wonderful and we are now married. He's never had to be given a 'last chance', not even close. I'm sure your story will have a happy ending too.

[robc]

Originally Posted by mmq1971

Holistic your old situation seems alot like mine, the last chance I gave him he was good to me for 2 days, then one day I waved to a friend and he flipped, he even held three weapons to my throat in a span of two hours. He locked me in my bathroom and said this is where your going to die ♥♥♥♥♥, I was terrified....then he said I just want to talk and I looked at him in tears and he didn't even care, he told me if I didn't stop crying he would slice my throat so I had to stop, finally he left my home and when I locked the doors I said to him you realize what you have done here tonight, I gave you a last chance and now I am never looking back and I haven't. The funny thing is he said to when he left I don't love you, and why would I want to be with a 36 year old who has a kid, that hurt the most, I thought he loved me, but I don't care anymore what he thinks, I am hurting still, I did love him, hell I would have married him, but you know what I love MYSELF more.

Thankyou for your words

That would have scared the hell out of me.
Did you ever consider (or maybe you have) calling the police?
This isn't a simple issue of a couple that argues all the time, that man is disturbed!!! Protect yourself, call the police, tell them what he did, he needs to be locked up - he !@#$%! crazy!!!

[mmq1971]

Originally Posted by robc

That would have scared the hell out of me.
Did you ever consider (or maybe you have) calling the police?
This isn't a simple issue of a couple that argues all the time, that man is disturbed!!! Protect yourself, call the police, tell them what he did, he needs to be locked up - he !@#$%! crazy!!!

To be honest I have thought about calling the police but he told me if I did that when he got out of jail he would kill me and my family so I am afraid to call them, he hasn't bothered me in a week so I am hoping he has moved on. If he does come near me again I will call the police, he has to pay for his actions....thankyou

[Ninja]

Please, please, please call the police, no matter what horrible things he says. If not for your own sake, then for his future victims. He has to pay for what he has done, and you need to show him that you care too much about yourself to let him get away with this. You are not the first person who has to deal with these kind of threats and the police will know what to do to keep you and your family safe. This guy is a danger to you, your loved ones and the rest of society and needs to be stopped... NOW!

Also, I never saw you mention anything about children (or maybe I just missed it ). If you indeed don't have them yet, then go to the doctor and back up your birthcontrol! A strategy of slimeballs like this guy, is often to impregnate their GF/wife and use the kid to either make her stay, or to see the woman again through a shared custody arrangement (or guilting the mother, because Junior needs a father, right?). Don't trust condoms or the pill, as both are easily sabotaged. Get an IUD, the shot or maybe even permanent measures, but whatever you do: don't get pregnant by this dirtbag!