Hopeless Life Situation, and an unusual (hurtful?) boyfriend

[Silent Lucidity]

First I want to say hello to everyone. I've been reading Steve Pavlina's blog and articles since October of 2007. The positivity of Steve helped me get through a rough fall, reminded me of intention/manifestation. I've read a lot of the posts on here. I wanted to come in and use the forum to help others, to try to give advice... well I basically ran out of time, and I've been debating whether to post about this problem for a few months...

I have been in a serious loving relationship for three years... we met on e harmony when I was in grad school in the US... it seemed we had a lot in common, we still do. We love time outdoors, nature, intellectual debates, etc. Since I got out, I have tried for the last two years to find work in my field, as a professor of studio art. They do hire straight from grad school, and many of my professors said I had a good chance at this... I applied every year... in the meantime working temporary admin work, illustration contracts, etc. Whenever a company wanted to hire me from the temp agency, if they found out I had an MFA, or a minor vision impairment, I would then no longer be considered for the admin job. I was both over and under-qualified. Until they learned of these things, they always said I was a wonderful dedicated worker, intelligent, great personality and all that... well I should get to the point... I kept the flexible temp work so I could travel with my partner and eventually progress things and get married.

A destructive pattern has perhaps always been there... when we were living together during visits; (him at my place, or me at his place), he keeps to himself, mostly involved in chatting online, and to tired, quiet or shy to go out with me or sometimes my friends. He's very sweet but very quiet and shy. When we are apart, he gets very upset if I'm not there for him, on chat, for a few hours every day. I love to go out, to be with friends, to meditate, to read, to spend hours painting or singing or creating music. I grew up 'fortunate', and though visually impaired, there are so many things I love to do. He loves the outdoors but doesn't have any 'hobbies' of his own... mostly he looks to me to entertain him, in the form of solving 'problems' in the relationship. I love him so much and I'm deeply attached to him, I try to encourage him to learn to play the keyboards, or get into electronics, sports, or something, anything so he'll derive some happiness from being alone on occasion. I wish I could help him find some guy-buddy friends too.

We're not living together. He's on the east coast, I'm in western Canada. They raised the rent in Calgary, and I was forced to give up my appartment and move back into my parents' house in a small town in British Columbia. I'd been on my own for seven years, and it is hard to live here at times. My family is great though They've been generous and understanding, and they make fun of everything and don't let me get too depressed about it.

What happened is that I had spend too much time traveling with my boyfriend, mostly he wanted me to come camping for a month, or to Hawaii with his family as his mom wasn't well..., but then I didn't have enough to pay rent, when they sold my apt, I had to leave, I couldn't meet the new landloard's contract...

It wasn't so bad because moving home temporarily and the free place to live would help us progress the relationship and get married... no rent to pay while we travelled back and forth for visa requirements.... so last May I moved to BC, last August I went to live with him for a few months... this is when the serious problems started. I was essentially ignored. he watched the stock market every day at home (he has an even worse eye condition and doesn't want to work) and at night he was watching tv or on forums (lol). We saw each other at dinner, when I cooked it, but the news was on while we ate, so we didn't converse. We didn't go to bed together much. He stays up very late. I went for hour-long walks alone every day, and painted in his garage, and used his home-gym a lot. Oh and I read a lot of Steve's articles lol. We went to the mall every weekend but often I'd rather go to art galleries, or live music events, or movies, or hiking.... we didn't do any of these things. It was like pulling teeth to get him to go out so we could get groceries.... (fruits and veggies are considered a 'splurge'.... he's financially secure, btw) we couldn't go for a walk together, or go to bed at the same time... or talk in the evenings... he lives with his twin and that complicates things... I went back to Canada in Nov, and have been here ever since, living with my family, teaching a few courses, and trying to figure out what to do next...

This month I was busy writing and a song, and I was so involved (It made me SO HAPPY, happier than anything has in ages, better even than making art...!!!) in that that I wasn't on chat at all...I still emailed every day, and he went nuts... said that he was no longer the priority... a lot of bad fights over that one.... Now I'm back on chat, to try to heal what I did, and he's angry about something else...I try to do what he needs in the relationship, but whenever I do what he wants, he changes his mind... I am a series of problems to be 'solved'... It has always been like this... I just want someone who loves me for what I am.... who doesn't yell... I have never experienced much yelling as a child or in any other relationship. Not like this.

If it's not my diet, it's my need for spiritual beliefs, or my spending habits and the way I was raised... (even when I pull out the numbers and show how my only debt is my grad school student loan, and I've lived well below the poverty level for the last few years, and not incurred any debt) and yet he claims I 'splurge' ...and he can teach me.... and he claims to love me deeply and want to get married... he just wants to help me fix things that are wrong with me... (including an unhealthy emotional attachment to my family....) he claims that as long as I am dedicated enough and make him the priority over everything else that we can fix all our problems... This feels strange... Over time I'm realizing that I don't -want- to change. I tried to change for two years, and the self that resulted was deeply unhappy. When I changed, he'd change what he wanted...he'd move on to 'fix' another problem... I always felt bad about something... I have some true friends who I have asked truly and honestly, and they think I'm a good person with no problems like what he says I have.....Lately he's saying I'm arrogant and narcisistic... he sent me an 'npd' (narcissistic personality disorder) quiz, I scored within the normal range for normal people... so he said I fudged the answers...

It's difficult when I'm so deeply attached, in some sort of way, to his 'soul' or 'essence'. I feel a very deep soul connection, and at times I think there's no one else out there for me.... how does one go about realizing if I really do need to change, or if this is in fact a destructive situation?

How do I go about getting back the original person I fell in love with???? Can I? Is it even possible? My parents mostly want to wring his neck, as after talks on the phone with him I'm devastated, crying and then I can't work for days..., for thinking about all the things he says... I'm so much happier on my own but maybe he's right that I'm not ready for a serious relationship.... but all my other serious relationships before this were fine and very loving and wonderful, or at least 'normal'.... every communication with him makes me doubt myself so deeply... as a creative person, self-doubt is the biggest enemy... it causes paralysis lol...so an ego is acutally a useful shield of sorts in the arts, but I can't make him understand that.... I don't know how to get out of this situation.... or if I can change it with LoA from within... that's what I'd like to do.... there were so many good things... we both enjoyed nature...he's committed, sweet, funny, loyal, physically ideal...lol.....

I know this is a long one, and I deeply thank anyone who has the paitience to read it....

I'm excited to read Steve's book too... maybe there will be some answers in there!!!

Peace

[The Cloud]

Hahaha, I find this to be a very funny situation. Don't be offended, but normally with this kind of post it would be the person like you asking how they can change their significant other into being more social or caring or something else. And here you are, saying that it's your anti-social clingy jobless fiance that is trying to change you to be more like him!

One thing that you can do is to try and understand his behavior. Simply ask him why he needs something from you, such as why does he need to chat with you online for hours a day. Then, for his answer, ask why he believes that. It's the Socratic method, and it is extremely effective for finding people's motivations (including your own). Do this, and you'll find that you will get some extremely odd logical connections that he is making to arrive at his conclusions. If he says that he doesn't know the answer, insist that he keep thinking about it. He will find one, because there is a reason. Do this until you get to a point where the belief seems so basic that it can't become any more fundamental.

The more specific the question, the better. Asking "why do you love me?" is pretty broad. Here's an example of what could happen.

Why do you feel the need for me to communicate with you online for hours a day?
Because I love you.
Why does loving me make that important?
Because if you don't talk to me, you don't love me.
Why do you believe that I need to talk to you online all the time to love you?
Because I'm afraid that if you don't, you don't love me.
Why are you afraid that I don't love you?

I just made this up, so it might not be perfect. But I think you can get the gist of what I'm saying here. Avoid asking why he does things, such why does he love you. Go more for why he feels or believes things, such as why do you feel or believe that this is important to loving me. Why are you afraid, why are you angry, why does that make you happy. (This all assumes that love isn't an emotion, which I don't believe that it is)

As an added bonus, you can't do this without him, so he will also see what connections he is making. Once you understand this, you can go to a certain point that seems to be unreasonable and ask him why he believes that it is reasonable for him to believe this? You aren't going to be able to attack the thing that he wants you to do or the way he wants you to change directly, but you can indirectly question a deeper belief, which will lead to a more pervasive change in him than one superficial behavior.

You can't change him directly simply by telling him that you are right and he is wrong. If he's at point A, and you are at point B, he isn't going to know how to get from what he believes to what you believe directly. Since he thinks he's right, he isn't going to be motivated to find the path, either. All you can do is find out what he believes, and if it's unreasonable point out why he is believing like that. If you are logically correct, this will eventually lead to your point B. If you aren't, then you certainly don't want to be at point B anyways. Perhaps there is a point C that neither of you are aware of. It is absolutely essential that you don't try to guide him toward a certain conclusion in the initial questioning part, or he may feel as if you tricked him. Simply ask the questions, and question the answers. You can do your guiding later, once you've figured out why he believes as he does.

[Silent Lucidity]

Hello Cloud,

This is very interesting... philosophy is something I should get into more... I read 'Sophie's World' a long time ago My partner loves debating, and usually he can out-debate me, and he is very proud of his ability to use logic and reason to solve problems. I know he'll spot what I'm trying to do, I'll have to be subtle but it is worth a try. I'm really interested in doing this to myself too
I have tried to change him. I'm not proud of it, as you're supposed to love the person for who they are at that moment in time. I have tried to get him to be more social and caring by trying to relate to him on his level, using his reasoning, trying to explain what I mean by things, trying different actions, different patterns, well, everything...I got tired of being the one to try all the time, so I just stopped. If I can't live with him as he is now, I shouldn't be in the situation. So now, he says I'm being fake...etc...the various accusations cause me to not want to call as much...
I'll try the questioning... And you're right, I'm not offended. The situation is funny

[uberinquisitive]

I read a book that here are 3 components to the success and mutual happiness of a relationship: practical, sexual, and "spiritual."

Practical is how well you guys get along on a day to day basis - so, two organized people who are focused on their career and are morning people are better matched in this respect than one of the partners being a night owl who is a slob and more concerned with vacation time than furthering their career.

Sexual is, well, obvious.

Spiritual is the X-factor, the friendship. Does he make you feel great about yourself? Is there chemistry and emotional ease? If he were a straight girl, would you guys be best friends?

The most compatible relationships have 3 out of 3. Most people have only 1 or 2 out of the 3.

It sounds like you guys don't have the practical aspect. This will make for a tougher relationship. It's up to you to decide if you want to look for a guy who can give you all 3 (and there DEFINITELY are guys like that out there).

[Holistic Star]

The thing that worries me most about your post is that he's accusing you of mental illness, and accusing you of fudging an online test about it. Is this the action of a loving, supporting partner? After speaking on the phone you are "devastated, crying and then I can't work for days". That's just not right.

It also concerns me that you blame yourself for 'not being ready for a serious relationship' because you are 'happier on your own'. Well I'm not surprised you are happier on your own rather than spending time with someone who is needy, demanding, critical, insisting that you have mental health problems and loads of problems that needed fixing and wants to change you into someone you are not.

You say: 'all my other serious relationships before this were fine and very loving and wonderful, or at least 'normal'.... So you can rest assured that you are capable of loving relationships, there isn't something dreadfully wrong with you that makes you incapable of having a good relationship. It is just this relationship that isn't working right now.

Confidence can so easily be chipped away at inside a relationship. You say your partner has changed, I'll bet you are much less confident now than you were at the start of the relationship, but it has happened so gradually you didn't notice it happening.

You ask about using the LOA to improve your relationship. You can't change someone against their will, so unless he is willing to change then you are wasting good visualising time! You can change your circumstances, or you can change your reaction to him - (e.g.instead of spending your time on chat desperatly trying to appease him, you can tell him that when you will be around and he can like it or lump it).

You mentioned getting out of the situation. Do you mean, how to leave him? Or do you mean improving the relationship? If you knew that you couldn't change him and it was going to be like this always what would you do?

You sound so unhappy - really your relationship should be a source of strength and happiness for you. Yes, even good relationships have their bumpy patches, but even then there is love and support there to help you both grow together. Apart from the deep connection you feel - what else are you getting from this relationship that you are giving so much to?

[Silent Lucidity]

Thank you, Star, for your response Others have said the same thing. My partner says that I am too defensive, and he's only telling me what he observes... I've done a lot of objective soul searching to see if what he says is really true.... It's hard to be objective when I get so confused about who is projecting on to each other and who is who. He says I lack empathy for the needs of others... I know his need to have me there, put the relationship first is very important...

I don't really blame myself that much, I do wonder at times if there is any truth in what he says, regarding being ready for a serious relationship. I've had two other 'serious' relationships in my earlier 20's, each one was unique and ended for different reasons. I dated a lot as a teenager also. With this one, I just want to know I did everything I could possibly do to make this work out. Personal growth and understanding is so important to me that I feel if any of this is my fault, than therefor I have the power to fix it. Someone who was a star diplomat and loving person would not likely be in the situation I am in...

Confidence can so easily be chipped away at inside a relationship...

Yes this is true... I was a different person then, a happy, high-achiever, loads of friends, the 'poster-child' of the electronic arts department...respect from my professors... now, at times I can't even get out of bed in the mornings, since I'd rather be dreaming.... My life/career has progressed much more slowly in the last three years. My parents and brother are the people who notice most...(because I live with them now) they keep saying he's destroying me, but then I'm afraid they are biased, having unconditional love for their child programmed in biologically.

Others have noticed it to some extent, but I haven't said much to friends about this, because it feels wrong to say such things about someone you are with. My partner really believes that too, and introduced me to the idea of keeping problems within the relationship, and not gossiping to friends about it, if you want the friends to like who you are with.

I moved home to the parents house to help my partner financially, so there wouldn't be the cost of rent to cover during the visa process. Now he says that he can't be with someone who is co-dependant with their parents. That was the email I got this morning. I cringe as I write this, I'm deeply ashamed of even writing this stuff but I do truly need some objective opinons, and you people are very wonderful, logical, perceptive and sane

I had been trying what you suggested, just saying when I'd be around and that was that... It is this, changing my reaction to him, and just not being around while I was working on music that caused him to go nuts... I can't see structures of music and pay attention to a chat at the same time . I guess he lumped it.

Regarding the LoA, I was referring to an article written by Steve, that said it is possible to change destructive situations from within,... that was in 'the Secret' too... how you visualize and be thankful for the best qualities your partner has, and they then become only those things to you. But that takes a lot of energy. I've managed to do it a bit... I had to when I was living down there... but I want something that gives energy back too.

As I write this I realize that it's 'solving problems' that validates him as a person, and it may be that there were always problems to solve... but I was always there instantly, ready to do whatever it took to make it work...I'm not that way anymore... and I don't know why.... when he brings up a problem now, I just want to run and hide in a drawing or a job hunt or a book or anywhere else...

He believes he says mean things because I hurt him so badly in deciding to wait a bit to do the visa. I also cancelled a visit because I had a once-in-a-lifetime career opportunity I wanted to pursue. Also, I'm afraid to go back down there and be sleep deprived and neglected without any way/support to do my own hobbies or work...

Star, if I knew he would always be like he's being now, bringng up major issues at least twice a week, I would leave. He says that if I can put the relationship first, than everything would be okay... but I don't know, because of how he gets when there is a problem. Life is full of challenges all the time...so I guess you have to be with someone who's style of problem solving is compatable with yours.

The good qualities are his depth and sweetness when things are good, his sense of humor, his loyalty and willingness to talk and talk until things are worked out (I've never had that before)... As for what I'm 'getting'? I don't really know what you mean by that...? Can you explain? I keep thinking that he'll come around and it's because we're going through a rough time that all this is such a mess... I keep hoping things will get better.

Thank you for taking the time to advise me on this...

[Silent Lucidity]

Hello UberInquisitive,

I would have to say we have about 40% of each of the three aspects... we have some of all three.

The practical is the hardest, as we both have different standards of living, and different ways we want to spend our time, and different internal clocks.

The spiritual is hard as well but getting better. He used to really criticize my beliefs, as they are eclectic, new-age-ish, nature-spirituality, like the stuff in 'what the bleep do we know' etc, and his are strictly main-stream science.. I love science and different ideas, and he's deeply against any form of faith. he's more open minded now... I think I've finally gotten him to not actively put it down...

As a friend... I can't imagine... it's been so long since we've been 'friends' that I just don't know. It could be okay for awhile... I'm not sure it would last a lifetime, like my other best friends.

The sexual is difficult to explain what's good and bad... well it's easy to explain but I don't want to ;0) it shows promise but I'm not sure... but emotionally very deep and caring.

[Holistic Star]

What's his deal with diagnosing you with mental illnesses all the time? I think he has OCPDDS (obsessive compulsive personality disorder diagnosing syndrome) which is very serious and incurable... ok I just made that up, but do you get my point?

Yes by all means use the LOA to work on the relationship if the problem is that your otherwise loving partner insists on leaving their dirty laundry on the floor. When the problem is that your confidence is left on the floor it's a different ball game.

He keeps telling you to put the relationship first - but he isn't. If he was, he would want you to do your art or take the once in a lifetime career opportunity because that is what makes you happy. Please stop blaming yourself for not being loving enough.

silent lucidity - take some time and go deep into your intuiton. What does your intuition tell you to do? What does you heart say is best for you?

[Holistic Star]

Just one more thought. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship a long time ago. I remember hinting to friends early on about how bad it was but not specifically saying what was going on.

I think I wanted them to give me permission to leave. I wanted someone to say it was ok to give up on a relationship that wasn't working. That I didn't have to be perfect, that I could just say - 'you know what, this isn't what I want' and that would be ok to do. He made me feel so responsible for his problems and issues, I lost sight of what I wanted out of life.

So SL - if what you are really asking for is permission to end your relationship, then you have it. If you are not happy, and you have tried to make it work and it isn't working, then end it and live the life you want to if that is what you really want.

Please don't think I am telling you that you have to end it. In the post above when I asked you want your heart really wanted, I wasn't trying to lead you either way, it was a genuine quesion. Only you can answer it. I just remember feeling for some inexplicable reason that I needed permission and there were so many parallels between us I wondered if you did too.

[Angela]

SL, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you that needs to be fixed. You are perfectly perfect exactly as you are.

He is, too, by the way.

And just because you are two perfect beings, doesn't mean you are perfect for each other. What do you think a relationship is? Why do you want to be in one? Does what you want in a relationship mesh with what is being created by you both in this relationship?

How long are you willing to put his well-being ahead of your own?

[Silent Lucidity]

It's hard for me to see that I'm putting his well-being ahead of my own. I tried Cloud's Socratic Questioning last night on the phone. You know what? There wasn't a fight. It totally calmed him down. He had so much to think about that he forgot to think about being mean to me. Thank you Cloud, I'll remember that technique forever.

I didn't get to the bottom of his beliefs, he kept trying to question me instead, or saying 'well it's obvious' when I asked him further questions about his answers. We talked about a potential visit. It was such a relief not to fight, that I thought there might be hope for us after all.

An hour or so after I got off the phone, I felt dizzy for no reason at all, the brain-fog was worse than ever. I could hardly hold a coherent thought in my head. I thought about what I ate, etc etc but nothing clicked. I'm wondering now if the sense of dizziness and unreality was my intuition telling me not to do this next visit, that I wouldn't be happy.

This morning, I realized that thinking about all of this over the weekend distracted me from something I really wanted to do, an event that I really wanted to attend later this summer. I actually felt that sick sick feeling in my gut when I realized that they might never tour again and I missed my chance for the good seats because of the brain-fog that I get when constanlty thinking about him and how to save 'us'.

We were fighting also when I was recording a song earlier this month, and someone who's crying all the time can't sing as well as normal. So it's just I keep messing career things up when I'm thinking so much about him... I get this 'brain fog'...

I know these details aren't really relevant, but they are examples of the way the last three years has been, now that I think of it. Yes, I do feel subconsciously that I need permission. I need to know from objective people more about what type of situation this is. It's not perfect, but it's not 'classically' abusive either, and I keep thinking that if I was a bigger person I could fix it.

Angela I always see you as a strong person, when giving advice.. it's hard to know that we're both perfect.. I keep seeing one or both of us as flawed...and that's why it isn't working. If we were perfect, would we be here on Earth, learning?

Star, I feel a similarity after what you've said. I wish I knew more, but I'll just trust that it sounds similar. It's like you want to feel you've tried everything you possibly can, because it's supposed to last forever, and giving up is like admitting you're not capable and loving enough to make it last forever.

[Silent Lucidity]

One more thought, You asked what my deepest intuition tells me... well it draws a blank. When I explore the future possibility of staying, I feel worry and confusion, and some hope. When I explore the possibility of leaving, the same thing happens, worry, confusion and some hope. Mostly though the whole thing is a blank.

I keep thinking that if I put him first, he'll come around, and put me first too...that's what he keeps saying. I always wonder why I'm not strong enough to just do that, and why I'm now afraid of even phoning... However, that wasn't my experience this fall, and more and more I think it will never be. So -why- am I creating this reality????

He keeps saying he says these things when he's really hurt and that he doesn't mean it but he just can't help it. I don't know what to think of that.

I know this is a lot of repeat information, I'll really try to think about the things you all have said... thank you

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Silent Lucidity

I keep seeing one or both of us as flawed...and that's why it isn't working. .....It's like you want to feel you've tried everything you possibly can, because it's supposed to last forever, and giving up is like admitting you're not capable and loving enough to make it last forever.

I know what you're talking about; I'm experiencing the same feeling myself -- where it's all up to me to make the relationship work, and if it doesn't, I'm a failure. It reminds me of the feeling I've got on an airplane: If I relax for even a minute, the plane will crash.

And the thing is: who says it's supposed to last forever? Who says I'm in charge of making it last forever? I'm beginning to get it through my thick skull that I'm not in charge. If I have it that I have to be capable and loving enough, I'm sentencing myself to never really being capable and loving enough. I am what I'm supposed to be. You know how I know that? Because I am what I am. I'm big into Popeye Philosophy.

I'm starting to really make it my own, that we can generate what's missing, and we can let go of what we don't need anymore, and there's no *enough* about it. *Enough* is going the dinosaur route for me, along with blame and shame. Whatever we generate and surrender, that's what we're supposed to be generating and surrendering. You can COUNT on relationships changing and ending. They change and end all the time.

And it doesn't mean anything about you or me. You and I are perfect, whole and complete, regardless of what anyone else does, thinks, or says. We Yar what we yar and that's all what we yar.

[carenkh]

I know I've been recommending Byron Katie a lot lately... I just think there are very few (if any) situations for which doing "The Work" won't help. I found a youtube video that I thought maybe you could relate to. The link for The Work will take you to her site, where you can fill out the form and do the four questions and turnaround on any thought you're having that's causing you stress or worry. (Things like 'he should....' )

It really sounds like you're each saying you don't want to be with the other! He wants to be with you *if you change* and you want to be with him *if he changes*. Can you live with what is? In this moment? He is who he is, and you are who you are, and you are *each* perfectly who you're supposed to be.

I was in a relationship (actually engaged!) with someone years ago, someone I met in a very magical way, and we had SO much in common it was freaky. But we were *miserable* together, just miserable. (Overall. Of course there were good parts, too) But I kept hanging on, thinking it was a wonderful opportunity for growth! LOLOLOL (loud, raucous laughter) Oh, my goodness. We would talk and talk, too. Process! We need to process! Um... nope. I'm so grateful I saw the light before we were married. I can grow *just as much* in joy and happiness as I can in misery. And it's a lot more fun, and life-affirming. Life's too short for bullshit.

[Silent Lucidity]

carenkh, I think I see where you are going with this video. I have been the one to say 'I should be more understanding' for the last three years. I have been 'in the now' and that present, aware person. It has kept me in the relationship. At first I wanted him to 'understand' me... eventualy, after a couple of years, he did, about some things. We talk a lot. Then eventually I let that go and asked for him to just 'accept' the things he couldn't understand. Acceptance allows calm, and allows people to co-exsist in a harmonious way. I have always been the one to understand him, so I never had any complaint about him, and everything was good. However, perhaps my understanding was imperfect because there was a subtle but gradual loss of something...something vital, self-esteem? confidence? I don't know. Something because I was always understanding what he needed and what he was and becoming that, or trying to.

I then suddenly understood myself more and accepted him more and stopped trying so hard all the time, as the trying takes so much energy, when a lot of it went against my nature.

Example, I understand his need to be frugal with food, but I don't feel good when I don't eat enough fruits and veggies, but I understand his situation. (I'm 'slender' ha ha so this shouldn't be that much of an issue). I think; I will meditate and raise my vibration so that I am full of love and don't need fruits and veggies to sustain a high vibration... but I can do it for awhile, but when I go back home and we get fruits and salads all the time, I realize how much better I feel. Or I understand that he believes I only pursue the arts for social status I know it's okay if he doesn't understand that. So he treats me in a certain way according to that belief, because perhaps he's never had a creative experience, and he doesn't realize that I do it because I -must- it just comes out of me there's no choice. But it's sad, because I want him to at least think of me in a positive light, and not want to change me so much. It's sad because I see his face everywhere and a sense of sweetness, and I feel a love but well I don't know where to go from here. It seems to be leading in the direction of 'understanding' myself more.

This video bothers me because I could see anyone gaining awareness from this video and using it to stay in a hurtful situation, without even really knowing it. It's like how evolved is the soul and how much can you take in life, can you be 'in the now' while suffering in a concentration camp? Does that mean you are more evolved? Or does that mean that you haven't yet learned how to create your own reality? Since I don't really know the answer to that, I choose to pick whichever one of those feels intuitively better.

[carenkh]

Ugh. It sounds abusive to me (someone from the outside, not in the situation). I think it's harmful that you don't allow yourself the FOOD you need to feel healthy. It's FOOD. It's something necessary to life. I don't believe many people are at a point where they can (or should) transcend their humanity. Why do you want to? You are a vital, loving, alive human, with a body and with needs. Why are you denying that?

Oh, sweetie. I was in another relationship where I just made excuses and made excuses for this man's hurtful behavior. 'He's very busy. He's working on his doctorate. We live far apart. He was adopted, so he has attachment issues.' I was sure my pure unconditional love would heal him. My God, I was *sick*. Because he was *hurting me*, and I just took it. I still don't know why, it was the only relationship in my whole life where I put up with that kind of BS.

His unacceptance of your creative need sounds abusive, too! It is a need you have, and he's trying to diminish that. It doesn't matter if you understand WHY he's doing that - he's doing that. Why would you put up with it?

There's another thread about The Work, and whether it leads to staying in bad situations.

[Lola]

Originally Posted by carenkh

Life's too short for bullshit.

I think life's too LONG for bullshit!



And SL - Besides the fact that I agree with carenkh that he sounds at worst like an abuser and at best like a controller, I'd like to suggest you ask yourself this question:

Is there anyone actively participating in this relationship other than me?

No need to answer here. Just something you may want to give some consideration to.

[Silent Lucidity]

Thanks so much... I think I really need to hear this right now. I tried to portray it honestly and also in a generally good way, when writing that post. So it's valuable that so many people see it this way. I always think I'm so darn smart, creative, evolved and so perceptive, and in reality I must know nothing, or why would I be in this?

I know that in the last month or so I've withdrawn. I know he's upset and has a right to be. When he's upset, he drags out the