soothing relationship with older brother

[PremLeela]

Hi guys,
could you suggest something I could be to sooth my relationship with my older brother.
It has come to the peak of peaks.

He is 24, for the past 3 years has been sitting at home all day in the basement, never leaves the house except to go to the gym, doesn't have any friends, social phobia, no work, no school, just draws all day. (And he is amazingly talented. I haven't met many people who can create such detailed and realistic artwork.) And is really, really negative and intolerant of others. He refused to acknowledge that he needs help. He directs all his issues and negativity on me. My presence irritates him more then anything.

I want to help him without compromising myself. Today I found out about "toastmasters" clubs and I thought this would be a great opportunity for him to develop communication and public speaking skills, and get out of the house more often. It might help him learn how to sell his work, talk to the right employers, etc. And its cheap. As usual, he took this to the extreme telling me that he doesn't want to waste his time on bullshit speeches, has perfect people skills, and he know how to talk to the people he respects. I told him no you don't, you don't know how to communicate with me. And he replies - "I HATE YOU! you irritate the **** out of me, you don't deserve my respect". His facial expression, voice tone, everything about him radiated this. He meant it.

I don't know how to deal with him anymore. I don't think that I can stand living in the same house with someone who is set so negatively towards me.

I can accept it. I can try to be patient and tolerant with him. I try to look past his negativity. I remember him when we were little, he was such a wonderful brother. Always made jokes, he was really outgoing, liked to tease and poke fun of everything, and really sensitive. Really small for his age too. He was bullied everyday by all the kids. I think it traumatized him.

[The Cloud]

Sounds to me like you're just going to have to allow him to wallow in his misery until he realizes that he's miserable. He seems to be displacing his dislike of his situation on you, so if you step back and he finds that he is still miserable, then he may eventually have to deal with it. As long as you keep trying to change him, he's probably going to keep trying to stay the same, and moreover blame you for accusing him of not being good enough.

Since he's displacing his hate into you, he hates you in proportion with his hate for himself. With you gone, who is going to be left to blame? My advice would be to be open to him should he approach you, but otherwise leave him alone to realize that he is the one that is really causing his problems. Don't visit him, don't talk to him, simply go about your life as if he didn't live there. Acknowledge him only if he acknowledges you first. To do anything else would be to become an enabler for his inability to take hold of his life.

[PremLeela]

perhaps the hardest action to take is inaction.

It is also hard to act without lust for results, to give away the urgency to have life go the way we want it to be. Yes, I want my brother to change. I want him to grow into this natural qualities (all that anger in him isn’t natural), I want him to live more, to love more and to enjoy life. But I also have to accept that this is not up to me to make happen. All I can do is take care of him, like a nurse takes care of a patient. If the patient doesn’t get better, there is nothing the nurse could have done. I guess the lesson here is in acceptance.

Thank you for your advice. That is the second time you’ve given me the best advice anyone could give. I really appreciate this.