Advice on a dispute please.

[vapourmile]

My brother has something I think he should let go of: Our fathers car.

I lack any kind of leadership or persuasive skills at all. Our father has ostensibly given him the car. It started with the father leaving the car with my brother, explaining that it is safer there than parked outside his own house. The brother has been using the car, as if it is his own for a year or more. I have spoken to him about this on a few occasions. Every time he has refused to give up the car and the last time he started shouting down the telephone at me to give it back, though I had it since he had agreed it was, effectively, my turn.

This still plays on my mind as I feel sure I have a right now to use it.

The issues he has cited for keeping the car are:

1.If he's selfish for holding on to it I'd be just as selfish to do the same. Thinking about it now it's the same as saying "Because it's selfish whichever of us has the car, I get to keep the car"

2.He likes to go to the supermarket on the edge of town because it's cheaper than the one on his doorstep.

3.He drives to the gym at 4:30.

4.He has a girlfriend with a child who lives, by coincidence, in my par of town.

Now, in short, my own point of view is that he basically has little more reason to hold on to it than him being a selfish ####.

The girlfriend I can understand. If you've got a girl, you want a car, to impress her, especially with the fact he can drive her and her boy over to his house.

The agreement we have, that it's fine for me to use the car until 4:30 isn't really an agreement in my eyes. He doesn't actually use the car in the daytime, so the agreement is basically an agreement to not share the car.

Myself, I either walk or cycle everywhere and have done, well, probably for years, but mostly for the last year or so since moving further away from town.

I feel like I have lost the argument already really since going over to discuss it and coming away with the agreement we have which isn't really worth anything at all to me. I have used the car, but as agreed, deliver it back to his house by 4:30.

The knock of effect is that I feel like a wimp and like I'm basically letting myself (I hope this expression doesn't offend anybody) be my little brothers bitch.

I am just plain fed up with walking or cycling everywhere. I go to work training two days a week. It's 35 minutes by bike each way. To be fair, there is a bus too, but it's a twenty-five minute walk or fifteen minute cycle ride to catch the bus!

My main problem is that I have the possibility of University. It will not be for a couple of years perhaps, but it is a thirty+ minute cycle ride there and back. I'm not being funny but I don't know if I can make that journey every day. I'm bushed! I have rests off my bike to save my legs as it is and generally prefer walking if I can.

I also love driving. I borrowed the car recently and driving it away I felt the best and most at east I can remember in months. It felt so good that I took it at first as an omen that it was my rightful place and toyed with the idea of just driving it away and parking it at my place but shied away at the argument this was likely to cause. I can't also say for sure if dad would get involved, and take my brother's side, but I'd rather spare him the heartache.

A part of me thinks I'm just being a wimp and should go over and take the car and deal with the heat when it comes. The only two things that have stopped me from doing just that are: I don't if I'd be stepping out of line if I did that. Maybe it is just childish jealousy? Also it is hard to see anything other than a fight with brother ensuing as a result. I don't know if it would ever come to blows or not but it's likely there'd be shouting. The thing is, I don't want to fight with my brother. It's been a pact I have kept with myself since punching him when we were younger and blacking his eye. Only now I start to think it is really just plain cowardice on my part for not wanting to take the heat of a dispute which might end up with my dad involved if he hears I've taken the car. I am sure dad wouldn't want to be referee in this which is why I haven't even asked him. I can't really ask him to take sides, although I have asked him why he gave my brother the car. That's when he told me it was to protect the car. I suspect it also has something to do with how historically he has always favoured my brother, something which my brother freely admits.

Meanwhile I have been trying to persuade myself not to think about it. Not to get angry about it and, successfully, not to go over and discuss it again because this is an ongoing thing and I sometimes feel like I only go and see my brother to ask him about the car again.

When I last returned the car my brother invited me in for a drink, which I accepted, and regret now because it just left me feeling like I'd let myself get led. I wanted to show I can be friendly, which didn't really work as I don't have much to say to my brother except "give me the ####ing car!".

What would you do? Given the luxury of not actually being in the situation and having your pride on the line, what's your call? I don't mind answering more questions if you need any further info.

[Holistic Star]

I see your choices as:

a) accept it, let it go and get on with your life - either cycling, walking or buying your own car

b) continuing to stew and feel resentment and anger (probably hurting yourself the most in the process)

c) confront your brother I) angrily or ii) calmly and rationally
your brother may or may not respond in your favour

d) ask your dad to intervene

e) cut off all contact from your family and never speak to them again - ever

f) suggest a different plan - e.g. a sharing rota say you have it every other day, 3 days in the week, or weekends or whatever you can think of - go wild here with your imagination

g) sell the current car and buy 2 cheaper cars with the money so that you can both have one

h) trash the car so no-one can have it

i) do nothing but visualise your brother handing the car over to you

j) consider yourself very lucky that you do have the use of a car sometimes

k) accept that there is no such thing as a car, you or your brother or your father, understand that matter is just energy condensed to a slow vibration and we are just the imaginings of ourselves (sorry just love that Bill Hicks quote!)

out of all of those - g) is the one I would go for myself - however I can't say which one is best for you. Maybe you need to learn acceptance, maybe you need to learn how to stand up for yourself. Maybe you need to learn how to earn enough money from passive income so that you are independent and can support yourself. Only you know which is the next lesson on your list to learn. A good way of finding out is seeing where this pattern of frustration is echoed elsewhere in your life. i.e. what are you yourself holding onto that you need to let go of?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by vapourmile

What would you do?

I would buy myself my own car?

I do understand it's not always that easy, but really the alternative looks like a lot more hassle to me.

A car is not a thing I'd want to risk family ties over.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Holistic Star...nice list . It seems I overlooked some rather interesting alternatives.

Your choice of g is a great idea. Wish I had thought of it.

[Angela]

Is there some reason you don't buy a car of your own?
Why do you think you are entitled to this car?
Please rate the following in order of your value of them:

a) your pride
b) your relationship with your brother
c) the car
d) being right

[Holistic Star]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Holistic Star

Your choice of g is a great idea. Wish I had thought of it.

Hey in SR world - you did

[Angela]

Wait -- what about the King Solomon solution? Cut the car in half!

[silicon toad2000]

one day the confrontation will be worth having, save it for then

[Angela]

Originally Posted by vapourmile

"The only thing separating you from having the car and the life and the job you want... rather than the one you're condescending to accept... is your lack of balls which is being supported by your fear of putting yourself first. You suck. No, seriously, a million limpets suck less than you.

This issue has absolutely nothing to do with the car. Whatever you do about the car, you are going to be left sucking more than a million limpets.

If I were you, I would forget about the car, and focus on what it means to generate real power.

[vapourmile]

Which means?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by vapourmile

Which means?

Which means you are currently powerless, and that has nothing to do with the car at all. You think that if you had this car, then you would have power, but in reality if you had the car you would still lack power. Unless you examine your thinking, that is.

The life you want to live is not dependent on you having this particular car.

If you were to take a bold look at re-routing all that energy into what it really takes to work in a career you love, go to university, be strong, have a good relationship, building leadership and persuasion skills, and peace and love within your family, you would see that this car is nothing - zero - zilch. All the power that's available to you, you're not seeing because you are focused on your entitlement to this car.

[vapourmile]

Originally Posted by Angela

Which means you are currently powerless, and that has nothing to do with the car at all. You think that if you had this car, then you would have power, but in reality if you had the car you would still lack power. Unless you examine your thinking, that is.

The life you want to live is not dependent on you having this particular car.

If you were to take a bold look at re-routing all that energy into what it really takes to work in a career you love, go to university, be strong, have a good relationship, building leadership and persuasion skills, and peace and love within your family, you would see that this car is nothing - zero - zilch. All the power that's available to you, you're not seeing because you are focused on your entitlement to this car.

Nope. I think you're projecting. I think that's the word. The one that means you're accusing me of something You do. I'm just wrestling with how to take the best course of action. Power is not even in my mind. I say you're the one who wants power, the power of being able to control other people's emotions.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by vapourmile

I say you're the one who wants power, the power of being able to control other people's emotions.

Yes! That is my SuperPower! I am the Infinite Power in the Universe, and I am the puppetmaster. What fun I am having!

I think you are right, that I have created you, specifically, as a very vivid avatar for reclaiming my power. (or projecting, as you call it! ). I see you focusing on this car and everything you think and feel you are entitled to, and I recognize myself in your reflection -- I, too, get caught up in the illusion! It's easier to see in others than it is in myself. Thank you! Isn't it exciting to realize how powerful we are, that we created this illusion?! What great fun that we get to do this, that we give ourselves the fun of expanding this way, don't you think?

[uberinquisitive]

What's keeping you from taking this issue up with your father? Isn't it his car?

[vapourmile]

Originally Posted by Angela

Yes! That is my SuperPower! I am the Infinite Power in the Universe, and I am the puppetmaster. What fun I am having!

I think you are right, that I have created you, specifically, as a very vivid avatar for reclaiming my power. (or projecting, as you call it! ). I see you focusing on this car and everything you think and feel you are entitled to, and I recognize myself in your reflection -- I, too, get caught up in the illusion! It's easier to see in others than it is in myself. Thank you! Isn't it exciting to realize how powerful we are, that we created this illusion?! What great fun that we get to do this, that we give ourselves the fun of expanding this way, don't you think?

Cool, I'm glad we're finally on the same page.

[Angela]

Well, I wouldn't say we're on the same page, exactly. I'm on the overflowing abundance and gratitude page -- the satisfaction and fulfillment page. Even the power you talk about me wanting -- I already have it!

On that page there are no limpets , and there is no suffering from wanting what someone else has -- just appreciation that they have it.

[uberinquisitive]

Originally Posted by vapourmile

Power is not even in my mind.

Well, you sure use the vocabulary of a dis-empowered man:

The knock of effect is that I feel like a wimp and like I'm basically letting myself (I hope this expression doesn't offend anybody) be my little brothers bitch.

A part of me thinks I'm just being a wimp and should go over and take the car and deal with the heat when it comes.

When I last returned the car my brother invited me in for a drink, which I accepted, and regret now because it just left me feeling like I'd let myself get led.

[munish]

Originally Posted by Angela

Wait -- what about the King Solomon solution? Cut the car in half!

What about, Keeping the engine and the tyres, and let your brother take body,carburetor and seats .

The big question is, who will keep the speedometer ?

[Parthon]

I'd say, let him have the car, and his girlfriend and his life and his stuff and his anger and move on, but that's just me. You've attached yourself and your well being to this idea that your brother has to give you this car. I call BOLLOCKS on that one.

It sounds like your brother values the car over your relationship however, and blood is thicker than water yada yada yada bullcrap. If someone doesn't respect you and give you the fairness you deserve, even if they are a family member, then dump them by the side of the road and move on. You are free to live your life however you want, and if you want a life free of conflict, you will have to walk away from the car, and your brother. I'm guessing this is definately not the first large argument you've had over an object, and even if the car issue is resolved, there will be more arguments in the future. And like you said, the only thing you talk to him about now is the car.

As for power: Power is the ability to be the creator of your own life. This is different from control and force where you try and get other people to do things, power is all about personal empowerment and being able to life your life in the best way you possibly can. I think you may have it mixed up with force, where people use position and strength to force those weaker than them into agreement or a particular action, sort of like what your brother is doing with you. Power would be finding a solution which doesn't require your brother to do anything he refuses to do, and empowering yourself to get what you want. You already know what to do, just do it.

[vapourmile]

Originally Posted by Parthon

I'd say, let him have the car, and his girlfriend and his life and his stuff and his anger and move on, but that's just me. You've attached yourself and your well being to this idea that your brother has to give you this car. I call BOLLOCKS on that one.

It sounds like your brother values the car over your relationship however, and blood is thicker than water yada yada yada bullcrap. If someone doesn't respect you and give you the fairness you deserve, even if they are a family member, then dump them by the side of the road and move on. You are free to live your life however you want, and if you want a life free of conflict, you will have to walk away from the car, and your brother. I'm guessing this is definately not the first large argument you've had over an object, and even if the car issue is resolved, there will be more arguments in the future. And like you said, the only thing you talk to him about now is the car.

As for power: Power is the ability to be the creator of your own life. This is different from control and force where you try and get other people to do things, power is all about personal empowerment and being able to life your life in the best way you possibly can. I think you may have it mixed up with force, where people use position and strength to force those weaker than them into agreement or a particular action, sort of like what your brother is doing with you. Power would be finding a solution which doesn't require your brother to do anything he refuses to do, and empowering yourself to get what you want. You already know what to do, just do it.

I agree with you.

[vapourmile]

Originally Posted by Angela

Well, I wouldn't say we're on the same page, exactly. I'm on the overflowing abundance and gratitude page -- the satisfaction and fulfillment page. Even the power you talk about me wanting -- I already have it!

On that page there are no limpets , and there is no suffering from wanting what someone else has -- just appreciation that they have it.

What abundance? What gratitude?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by vapourmile

What abundance? What gratitude?

It's a mindset thing. You're thinking in limitations:

"if I don't have A, I can't do B"

Angela on the other hand thinks about possibilities:

"if I don't have A, maybe I can use C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y or Z to accomplish B in another way"

(of course, in real life, there are way more than 24 possibilities)

Half the work there is shifting your mind from A to B... after that, it all gets easy!