ugh. I feel sort of horrible.

[Angela]

I have had a knowing without knowing for the last couple of weeks, and this morning I woke up and checked it out directly with Danger Man -- it turns out that he has broken an important promise and had kept a secret from me for a couple of weeks. An integral promise for our relationship. I am so surprised and dismayed that he was dishonest with me. It hurts.

He apologized profusely and committed to doing whatever it takes to build trust back. He said he loves me and wants to make this work. I do, too. He explained his point of view and I totally get what he's saying, and I can see that something I could be bringing to the relationship that I have not been bringing, that would make a difference. He said he was relieved, because he was feeling the pain of withholding, and he thanked me for my intuition. We'll be seeing a therapist together with the intention of finding a third alternative synergistic solution. I can see there are things for me to let go of, and things to generate, and I'm willing, and I believe that he is, too.

My brain is glad, and optimistic for our relationship. BUT right now, I am really hurting. Ouch. I think I am asking you please for some comforting words. Ouch. Ouch.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I love you and I am fully behind you with support and encouragement that you will be able to handle this.

I keep typing other things, but they all sound really stupid. So I'll just say I am here for you and you can PM me if you want also.

[Rose of Cairo]

Oh Angela, now I know why I absolutely wanted to visit this internet cafe and write a few words to you!

I won't give you any advice, your smart brain is able to handle this situation much better than everything I could tell you. As for the emotional part, I just love you. I wish I was there with you, to hug you and hold you tightly and give you a kiss on your cheek and tell you how wonderful you are

You have all my support!

[Plato]

If I was you I'd know just what to say

[Holistic Star]

Hi Angela,

I see the wonderful advice and support you give to people on the boards and I only wish I could find some words to say that would be even half as comforting and insightful as those you would give.

You know it's ok to feel hurt and upset and betrayed. An important boundary to you has been crossed and it hurts - damn it! Staying feeling hurt is not a good place to stay for very long, but I don't think you would want to anyway. You're not smothering it, your not denying it. You're dealing with it and facing up to it and that is the best and the most courageous thing you can do - and by golly girl you're doing it!

It's great that you can see the positive potential for growth for both of you. John Demartini says that relationships aren't about making you happy, they are about challenging and making you GROW - so there you are sweetie, personal development and growth whether you wanted it or not Aren't you the lucky one?

Big virtual hugs to you xxx I hope you feel better soon.

[Honeywith4bees]

Angela,

I am very sorry that you are going through something that feels hurtful too you!
Although I am sure it sounds trite, you now have the chance to break through to the next level of your fabulous relationship. You are always such an unwavering pillar of love and support to everyone here, I can only hope that you can feel some of that love showering back onto you right now. You are our wise and wonderful "guru of love" and now we get to give something back. Thank you!

With lots and lots of love

[jamestl2]

See, this is a perfect example of why you can't trust anyone, you think you know someone that you're really close to and they hold back secrets from you that wind up hurting you deeply.

OK, just kidding there (sort of....). Anyways I hope things work out with you and DM, and I couldn't have anything else to offer really besides my encouragement, as you're the one usually giving the advice rather than taking it .

[uberinquisitive]

Danger Man hid something from you for weeks. And - he only 'fessed up when you confronted him. No wonder you feel so crappy.

I was just reading, in "A New Earth" on pg. 165, about going into the pain in order to create "space" around it. Feeling it totally:

"If you don't mind being unhappy, what happens to the unhappiness?

[Angela]

Thank you for the words, love, and hugs, everybody, and for the head rub, Plato . I have cried after reading every one of these messages.

Uber, thanks for reminding me... I think I will dip into that A New Earth advice, and to be aware of my pain body.

[Dan.Linehan]

Hey Angela,

I just wanted to know I'm feeling for you and keeping you in my thoughts.

Relationships are very hard sometimes, I've definitely been going through some similar things as well. All the best in talking through everything with DM. {hugs}

[Dan.Linehan]

BTW - express yourself.

There is a lot of truth in what Steve said about embracing your feelings, and I'm getting a vibe that you are holding back.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

I'm getting a vibe that you are holding back.

yes, there is more I would say if it wasn't a public forum. I don't want to compromise Danger Man's sense of privacy -- he would be hurt if I blurt. Also I believe I have some processing to do -- I'm just recovering from that gut-punch feeling and the blood is starting to flow in my brain again.

The important thing though is: I don't feel so alone with all you good people helping me. Thank you very, very much.

[Dan.Linehan]

Well, I don't mean holding back as far as telling us all the details. Just holding back in allowing yourself to feel how you feel. Its OK to have set backs. Nothing to hide from.

[Angela]

Yeah, I couldn't put it into words how I am feeling -- like all the air got sucked out of every cell in my body and took all my words with it. "ouch" was as close as I could get.

I've got some "I'm not entitled to hurt" thoughts going on, too. "Stop whining" is pretty loud in there, too. I do feel like I'm swallowing some pain. I'm thinking, a glass of great wine and a shower. Maybe "The Joy Luck Club." That oughtta get everything flowing. Where's the little crying smilie?

[Angela]

I guess I didn't need the shower or the movie. I feel like such an idiot. I feel like such a nincompoop. What a stupid, stupid, stupid girl. what a crock of ****. Was he EVER going to tell me? It didn't even occur to him that this would hurt me? stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

[uberinquisitive]

You ARE entitled to feel hurt. And, you ARE entitled to "whine."

Give Danger Man AND yourself room to be imperfect. In the big picture, perhaps this could be a great event - suffering burns up ego and transmutes pain-body. I think Tolle said: "relationships don't exist to make you happy...they exist to help you evolve and become more conscious." So, in the big picture, your relationship with Danger Man is totally fulfilling the highest good possible.

You know I've gone through lots of pain myself (and still go through it now). So, I'm not just saying the above paragraph from a vacuum. I know how hard it is to keep perspective when you're in pain NOW.

[Jenny]

Biggest hug *ever* Angela! Don't really have the words to say but my thoughts are with you and much positive energy is directed your way!!

[Brutha]

I thought I remind you of a few wise words some person once said:

But in fact, it's your response that determines how your world occurs for you anyway. Maybe you can't control what happens, but you can completely control what it means in your life.

[jawillie]

I haven't been here long, but you have been the most welcoming to me and so helpful to me!!! I wish I could return the favor. But, I have no clue what to say when things suck other than.... sometimes things REALLY SUCK. ((((hugs)))) to you....

[MrNotebook]

Hi Angela,

just be patient and eventually the truth will surface as far as the direction the relationship should take. i will pray about it for you and i hope its helpful.

[cela]

Thinking of you. *hugs*

[Angela]

Thanks so much again everybody. It's 3am and I don't think I'm ever going to get to sleep. Just spoke with Danger Man and he's in the same sleepless boat. It makes me feel better, if a little selfish, to hear that he's got the same sick feeling in his stomach that I do.

One big lesson I will take away from this whole debacle: Never, EVER again will I have red wine and peanut butter cup ice cream for dinner.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Angela

Thanks so much again everybody. It's 3am and I don't think I'm ever going to get to sleep. Just spoke with Danger Man and he's in the same sleepless boat. It makes me feel better, if a little selfish, to hear that he's got the same sick feeling in his stomach that I do.

One big lesson I will take away from this whole debacle: Never, EVER again will I have red wine and peanut butter cup ice cream for dinner.

It's painful just reading that.

My thoughts are with you and I have every confidence that you'll be able to resolve this in the best possible way.

J x

[Holistic Star]

Hi Angela,

You know what you can cry, be angry, shout, throw things, bash a pillow into submission if it helps. You don't have to be reasonable and perfect ALL the time. So where does the thought that you are not allowed to 'whine' come from? I'm curious to know whose voice it is that you are hearing? What is making you think that you are not entitled to hurt?

I remember when I did my coach training and one of the trainers told us to avoid the 'c' word. The 'c' word is 'coachlike'. She said one of the dangers to being a coach is that we feel we should always be coachlike, that we can't say when we are angry, or feeling sorry for ourselves because we feel we have a front to hold up. Is that what is going on for you or is it something else?

I so admire your honesty and bravery in coming on here and telling us how you truely feel. I takes a lot of courage to show yourself as vulnerable. I know that you will find the best solution.

I hope you've got some sleep. That 3 o'clock in the morning insomnia is just horrible. I hope when you wake you feel calmer and clearer.

We are here to support you x

[Honeywith4bees]

Oh Angela! How I wish wish wish that we could all be there with you in a real, physical way ! (And I am not just saying that cuz I really, really like peanut butter cup ice cream either)

Anyway, please know that I thought about you last night and wanted to check in on you the first chance I had this morning.

With love

[Pegasus]

I have great confidence that you and Danger Man will resolve this in a way that helps both of you grow. Clever how the Universe puts this challenge before you right as you’re going through a major career change! We are here to learn...

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Pegasus

Clever how the Universe puts this challenge before you right as you’re going through a major career change!..

I KNOW!! I jst remembered that old line about how the universe doesn't give you more than you can handle, so it makes me feel good to know the universe feels I'm so stinkin' capable.

Finally got a few hours of sleep and now have a slight oldpain-alcohol-sugar hangover. I feel pretty tender, but am speaking with DM every few hours (he's in SF for a couple of days, I'm in LA). I seem to be going through the 7 stages of grief in a really accelerated manner -- maybe that's why I couldn't sleep, so I could be on the fast-track. I'm always telling people to really BE with what they feel, to accept it, and I am getting some practice at that , for sure.

I have a miraculous Saturday appointment with my therapist today, but I feel like you guys are the best therapists in the world, and I'm so grateful to you. I don't know what I'll talk about with her -- maybe I'll just take a nap on her couch!

Anyway, thanks again. The hardest feelings I've been contending with is disconnected and alone, and you all really have me knowing I'll be okay.

p.s.... Holistic Star, I haven't gotten to the throwing things stage yet, but I will be sure to put away any valuables now, just in case.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Angela

I KNOW!! I jst remembered that old line about how the universe doesn't give you more than you can handle, so it makes me feel good to know the universe feels I'm so stinkin' capable.

Finally got a few hours of sleep and now have a slight oldpain-alcohol-sugar hangover. I feel pretty tender, but am speaking with DM every few hours (he's in SF for a couple of days, I'm in LA). I seem to be going through the 7 stages of grief in a really accelerated manner -- maybe that's why I couldn't sleep, so I could be on the fast-track. I'm always telling people to really BE with what they feel, to accept it, and I am getting some practice at that , for sure.

I have a miraculous Saturday appointment with my therapist today, but I feel like you guys are the best therapists in the world, and I'm so grateful to you. I don't know what I'll talk about with her -- maybe I'll just take a nap on her couch!

Anyway, thanks again. The hardest feelings I've been contending with is disconnected and alone, and you all really have me knowing I'll be okay.

p.s.... Holistic Star, I haven't gotten to the throwing things stage yet, but I will be sure to put away any valuables now, just in case.

I've read somewhere that before you get everything you've ever dreamed of having, and living the greatest life you could, you're tested. Don't know why the universe does that, but there you go.

Whatever happens, I have every confidence in your ability to cope.

Sending positive vibes...

[uberinquisitive]

Angela, I had a flash of intuition about what your incident with DM might be - and I felt sort of horrible myself!

I know you've tried EFT, and it didn't seem to work for you...maybe you want to try again? It may help take the edge off the intense pain. Just rant and rave about this specific incident while tapping on all the points - you may be surprised that other issues will pop up spontaneously. When I do my EFT sessions, the specific incident is just the top bit of the iceberg, and I always seem to go back to a childhood incident.

A good complement to EFT is TAT. Like EFT, TAT manipulates the energy fields of the body. Unlike EFT, TAT can be used for general feelings (EFT only seems to work well when used on very specific incidents).

[Angela]

It's funny you mention that, Uber. I've been reading and listening to Paul McKenna lately, and in the middle of my workday yesterday when I felt like a big puddle of dogpoop but still had to get things done, I tried the tapping thing he recommends for emotional eating. He calls it TFT, and it seems like a shorter version of EFT without all the chanting, which is what made me impatient. The TFT tapping definitely has made a difference for me in the emotional eating department (why didn't I remember it during the merlot/ice cream incident?!?) and it took me from Level 9 pain yesterday down to a Level 1, for awhile anyway, so I could get some work done.

I wonder if that's similar to TAT -- I was unable to open your link, but I'll try again later.

You know, it's funny. I have so many tools at my disposal for feeling good on purpose, and yesterday I just didn't remember or maybe even want to use any of them. I just wanted to stew and wallow (that would make a great name for a singing duo, wouldn't it?). Sometimes I find myself getting impatient when people stew and wallow, and now I feel for them much more. Sometimes feeling good on purpose entails feeling bad on purpose for awhile, I guess.

In my triage, I can't find so much stewing and wallowing right now, but it makes me feel safe to know that I can come back here and stew and wallow if I need to, and you will either support me and comfort me or you'll remind me to feel good on purpose -- or something better for the highest good of all. (Hopefully no one will tell me to "Buck up!" )