scared of my own shadow

[MrNotebook]

Please help me. I am very fearful and so afraid and desperately need the approval of others. I'm a 37 yr old man and have recenty come to discover and accept that I have many fears and insecurities. My whole life I thought I was normal, but now, later in life, I have almost no friends (or girlfriend) and I am extremely lonely. I can be in a social environment (like church) and be and feel totally lonely. I don't want to be, I just am. I so want to be social and have friends, however I'm the total opposite. Sometimes when I try to come out of myself and connect with others I get rejected and it hurts so I get right back into hiding. It has caused me to withdrawal more and more to some extent. Also, I have a certain stiffness in my body movements as I move about. How come I have so much difficulty becoming comfortable in my own skin? I oftentimes feel afraid to express myself and just "be" confident. I just can't seem to get to a point where I value what I think of me more than what others think of me. I don't necessarily want to kill myself, however sometimes I simply don't want to be in this life. I am sick of harboring all this fear. It steals all my joy. I just want to be me and don't know how and feel so much resistance. All of this fear makes me feel like less of a man. When I take the train to and from work, I find myself looking/focusing at everyone. I feel weird when I try to not check others out and be comfortable in my own zone, such as reading a book or playing with my cell. What the hell is wrong with me and how can I overcome it?

After years of introspection I have concluded that part of my fear and insecurity originated from repeatedly being beat up and bullied growing up. Then I suspect I began to be afraid of people because of the fear beat/bullied into me early on which in turn scripted me to be extra nice/passive to everyone, hence allowing others to take advantage of me and use me as a dormat. So over the years I suppose it got worser and people just kept using, walking over, manipulating, treating me like trash, etc. I wish I stook up for myself, but I didn't and thats too late now. My family never showed me how to stick up for myself and now its haunting me in my adult life and manifesting as this ugly fear. I've systematically and gradually become somebody other than myself.

[Angela]

MrNotebook, I highly recommend the Landmark Forum and Advanced Course to you. It's a little pricey, but extremely effective in the areas you feel stopped in. It made a huge difference for me in my life.

Also, I just found out about this guy, Paul McKenna, (my new other boyfriend! ) who incorporates hypnosis, NLP, EFT, Byron Katie's The Work, and other techniques into his approach to help people feel more powerful, effective, confident, free, and vital. He's got a bunch of books that include hypnosis CD's, and I am absolutely loving them. Check them out on Amazon or on his website, Paul McKenna Paul McKenna Training.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are absolutely perfect, exactly as you are. And while it may seem at the moment that you have no power to make a difference in your life and in the lives of others, it's very easy for me to see that you have all the power in the world; it's just a matter of accessing that power. I am confident that you have begun the process of accessing your power.

Best wishes to you.

[Ree]

As always Angela gives great advice! I was definitely going to suggest Byron Katie's web site, but she has suggested that to you and much more, so please look into it.

Looking back from where I am now, I can see that when I was at my worst, feeling as if I was not even at home in my own skin, was the moment when I was on the precipice of huge discoveries and great change for the better in my own life. Sort of like when a caterpillar turns into a butterfly, I suspect that it's not too comfortable for the caterpillar but look at the end result!

Know that you are fine just as you are, but also know that there are great things waiting for you.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, MrNotebook. It sounds like you are going through a pretty tough time. There is nothing wrong with you at all! I gather from your posts that you are Christian, no? Have you thought of seeing a counselor at your church? At the church I went to before they offered it free of charge. That might be one step.

In addition I highly recommend a book called I Need Your Love by Byron Katie as well as Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. Radical Acceptance is based on Bhuddism, but the concepts will be very helpful I think and are not in conflict with Christianity (if that concerns you).

[redhair]

Hi Mr Notebook, after reading your posts I was aware of a strong focus on the things you do not want in life yet you have. When we wish to move from a place of pain and hurt I feel the first step is to focus more on the things that give us joy[even the smallest things].

If you are feeling depressed and isolated then that is your internal energy system warning you that you are out of balance and vibrating at a level of depression and isolation. I am giving wisdom here regarding the laws of attaction "What you think about you get, whether you want it or not!"

The way to raise your vibration is to use your emotions and feelings as a guide as to how your energy is vibrating,ie high or low. Imagine yourself as a plug plugging into the universe, are you plugging in a negative or a positive.
If you plug in positivity then you attract more of the same and vice versa.

Something which changed my life [I felt like you a couple of years ago] is The Teachings of Abraham. The web site is Abraham-Hicks

[MrNotebook]

Originally Posted by Angela

MrNotebook, I highly recommend the Landmark Forum and Advanced Course to you. It's a little pricey, but extremely effective in the areas you feel stopped in. It made a huge difference for me in my life.

Also, I just found out about this guy, Paul McKenna, (my new other boyfriend! ) who incorporates hypnosis, NLP, EFT, Byron Katie's The Work, and other techniques into his approach to help people feel more powerful, effective, confident, free, and vital.

This is awesome, thanks so much. I view the pricing and at this point in my life I'll try anything! thank you thank you.

[MrNotebook]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

"...I highly recommend a book called I Need Your Love by Byron Katie as well as Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach."

This is great. I never thought I would recieve so much loving support! Thank you! I will purchase this material on amazon as I am an avid reader and amazon is where I normally purchase all my books needs.

[MrNotebook]

I just want thank you all....redhir, ree, aspiring, angela. My main goal is to approach all the feedback and advice I get wholeheartedly to battle my fears. I honestly feel like these are just things that will help me fight and ultimately overcome. I will look for you in the future and highlight my progress.

thank you.

[Angela]

Keep us posted, MrNotebook. We're pulling for you.

[Fullcrum]

This is a very good blog that mixes zen-like concepts with social dynamics and women. It seems to be what you're looking for - enjoy!

Real Social Dynamics Blog

[Ree]

Originally Posted by MrNotebook

I just want thank you all....redhir, ree, aspiring, angela. My main goal is to approach all the feedback and advice I get wholeheartedly to battle my fears. I honestly feel like these are just things that will help me fight and ultimately overcome. I will look for you in the future and highlight my progress.

thank you.

Great! Please do keep us posted

[uberinquisitive]

I totally empathize - childhood and past trauma has really affected my present life.

I was watching this show called "Samantha Who?" about a woman (played by Christina Applegate) who was in an accident and has complete amnesia. She is the same person, but she remembers nothing about her past. Without her past to haunt her, she becomes "herself," which is nothing like how she was before.

After watching the show (which is available on iTunes), I remember thinking, "I wonder who I'd be, if I couldn't remember my past."

And then I realized - I do have the power to forget the past. Maybe I can't do it suddenly, as if I had amnesia. But nothing is compelling me to remember my past, except my own mind.

I've been watching Oprah's webinar with Eckhart Tolle, and reading Tolle's books. They've really helped me in this regard.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

"I wonder who I'd be, if I couldn't remember my past."

Another way of approaching it would be to ask yourself, "Who would it be possible for me to be, if I didn't believe the thoughts I've thought in the past?"

[Plato]

I don't know how effective this psychological stuff is on its own... I'm sure it's great but it is going to work best alongside physically pushing outside your comfort zone, little by little, and MAKING the changes you want to see. Grit your teeth and force yourself to talk to people. Teach yourself gradually to be confident by first being courageous. Smash that fear away through action and demonstrating to your mind there's nothing to be afraid of and everything to be enjoyed. Get out of the house and be around people. You've got a long and wild journey ahead of you.

[Shorebird]

All the best Notebook.

I call you notebook and not Mr.Notebook because I am your friend.

Pep up mate....

[teatree]

Mr Notebook - just hang in there. You've just fallen out of the habit of making friends that's all, and it probably feels like a big deal just to talk to people now.

I would suggest trying to join evening classes, because it's an ideal situation where you get to be with a lot of other people but don't necessary have to talk a lot (unlike at a party say). And if the class goes for a drink afterwards, go with them. You don't need to say a lot, just don't withdraw.

Also, practice smiling in a friendly way at people eg when someone holds the door open for you at a store. It's an old saw but smiling draws people in and you'll find that other people start making conversations with you. Smiling and saying a brief thanks for ordinary courtesies makes life in general so much smoother and better! You'll feel better for it.

Regarding self-consciousness about your movements - perhaps start exercising? Swimming is great for this - simply moving muscles will make you feel better about your body and you will stand and move more naturally.

Don't push yourself too much. Just ease yourself in, doing the small things and then when you feel more confident, maybe you build up to asking someone out.

Don't feel scared of people - most human beings are actually really nice.

[MrNotebook]

...I really mean that! I've been keeping up with each reply and this is helping me so much. Thanks guys I'm gettin' all mushy now.

[Holistic Star]

Hi Mr Notebook,

it could be an emotional problem, it could be a physical problem. I found at the age of 30 I had retained a 'moro reflex' also called the 'baby startle reflex' which is a reflex you should grow out of by the time you are 6 months old.

If you don't grow out of it, every little thing can flood your body with adrenaline and cause you to feel permanent anxiety. Instead of having a 'fight' or 'flight' response, you often have a 'freeze' response instead. It's not very well known as an issue, but I spot it in a lot of people now I know what to look for. If you are often overly anxious for no reason and jumpy around loud noises that could be an indicator of a retained moro reflex.

It took 7 months of treatment for it to go - however sadly the only person I know who has this treatment is the the UK. I'm guessing you're in the US so that doesn't help much. Although just understanding what was happening too me was a huge help in not beating myself up for feeling anxious.

Hang on in there - lots of good advise above and I'd second Bryon Katie - The Work is great.