Tips on meeting/talking to new people

[ahimel]

Hey all --

I just got a job at a retail store in a nearby mall to get a little extra cash through the holidays, but I'm determined to take more away from this job than a paycheck. Since I'll be meeting hundreds of new people each day, I'd like to practice talking to people I've never met before, making a connection and getting to know them in a short time. I'm a classic introvert (2 friends in elementary school, 2 in middle school, a dozen in high school and half a dozen in college) but I'd like to get better at meeting people.

I'm looking for advice, recommendations, tips, pretty much anything, from those people on these forums who like meeting new people and know how to do it. I know Steve says that Erin says that she just remembers that she already has a connection to these people, and all she has to do is rediscover it. That works for me if I have a long time (30+ minutes) to sit down with them, but does anyone have practical advice for finding the connection in a minute or less?

I'm also terrible at small talk. Ideas?

Thanks!

Amanda

[Royce_aus]

I've been in the balance between introvert and extrovert for my school life, and have now found myself in recovery mode from a tilt to the introverted side that i quite enjoyed for a few months.

If immediacy is the aim would being direct help, It can feel quite awkward when you're oriented towards personal growth and you encounter people that appear so distant. I like to find the fun questions which are a great benefit to answer for yourself but that aren't like going up to a stranger and asking 'what have you done for your soul lately' (no matter how fun that might be its often met with disgust)

I enjoy having those spontaneous moments with strangers where you both walk away with a cheesy grin, and the only valid way i could see myself creating them more often is through intention manifestation and the act of letting go.

Edit>
To address your original question i'd suggest finding what you enjoy, don't ignore you're needs for real conversation by attempting to play the game everyone else does with small talk

[JJP]

Originally Posted by ahimel

I'm also terrible at small talk. Ideas?

Thanks!

Amanda

Here is what works for me so far: get into a mental frame where you can pretend that you are talking to one of the most enthralling, most interesting persons in the world. In other words, be curious. If you think you can't do such a thing genuinely... just pretend that you're not pretending

Act as though they are experts in a fascinating field who know something totally unique that you just have to learn all about (you have to find out what that is, of course), as if you were talking to someone famous or important.

Now, the tricky part... is to actually listen actively, really hear what they're saying and think about it.

Is it tough? Yeah, it takes practice. But if you make small talk about them and not you, you will be able to instantly see the change in their facial expression and body language cause they will just be blown away, and they will start thinking that YOU are the interesting one. I would say that most people seem thrilled to talk about themselves, use that to your advantage.

[placebo]

Don't care too much about what will you say. If you say something that sounds stupid at the moment just smile. Many people wouldn't think that is stupid, and other part of them will see your smile and think that you were joking. So it really doesn't matter. Strangers also live in their boring worlds and wait for something exciting to happen

[madgeylou]

hey amanda,

i dont know if this works on guys as well as it does on girls, but a great ice-breaker i've found is to compliment someone on something they are wearing.

it cant be fake though -- i mean, if they are not wearing anything that strikes you as special or flattering, then dont compliment them because you will sound phony and that is worse than just standing there saying nothing.

but, usually, you can find something in a woman's appearance that you like and say "wow, that is a really pretty skirt! where did you find it?" or "man, i wish i could walk in shoes like that -- they look fantastic."

that sort of thing. it generally gets a smile and starts a congenial conversation, and youd be surprised where smalltalk can go when it starts with fashion!

(see, this is why i think it's so much harder for boys to make friends than girls. we can just compliment each others' shoes and be BFFs. i've never seen the equivalent for boys.)

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by madgeylou

hey amanda,

i dont know if this works on guys as well as it does on girls, but a great ice-breaker i've found is to compliment someone on something they are wearing.

it cant be fake though -- i mean, if they are not wearing anything that strikes you as special or flattering, then dont compliment them because you will sound phony and that is worse than just standing there saying nothing.

but, usually, you can find something in a woman's appearance that you like and say "wow, that is a really pretty skirt! where did you find it?" or "man, i wish i could walk in shoes like that -- they look fantastic."

that sort of thing. it generally gets a smile and starts a congenial conversation, and youd be surprised where smalltalk can go when it starts with fashion!

Agree madgeylou. Thumbs up! Everyone loves to hear a compliment. It may not necessarily be something tangible, it could be the feeling the person gives you. It makes their day to hear it, really!

Also, I notice that if you want to catch someone's attention, a 5-second eye contact is great, plus a big warm smile. People generally will lose their guard with you when they see you as a warm fuzzy teddy bear, full of smiles and friendliness!

Test it out. Good luck Ahimel and have lots of fun and fund! haha

[Alvin]

Always be prepared to make the first caring move

Another tip I'll share is one when you're already into a conversation. You ask a question to go after their values by asking them about something they love, and asking them what they think they love most or is most important to them about it.

For example, you meet someone and it turns out they like to fish. And you ask them, 'hey, that's pretty interesting. What is it about fishing that you love the most?'

This forces them to think, and to go deep. If someone feels like you've made them go deep, they'll think you're a smart guy and build good rapport

They may say, 'hmm...I guess it's the peace and relaxation I get from just waiting and watching for the fish to bite'. Then you'll know that peace and relaxation are important values to them that you'll want to use back in your own conversations!

[Sanjay]

Hey Amanda,
You are in the same position I used to be. I was a classic intorvert. I never used to have many friends, I used to hesitate when people asked me genuine questions, because I had to answer them. Its challenging when your goal is to be able to talk to more people. Let me assure you it is all about your mind set. I now have my own business with teams in America, UK and India. The way in which I overcame the challenges associated with talking to new people came from getting involved in this global business and the best bit is that I'm not limited to just these countries, it truly gave me an opportunity to learn how to talk to others.

I saw your post and thought that in the same way I was able to learn from people who I admire for their skill in talking to others I would also give you the opportunity. Naturally, I can't promise anything apart from the fact that I will talk to one of my senior collegues in the US.

If you want to find out more feel free to email me:
sanjb1@gmail.com

[The David]

Don Gabor has some good books on this issue, but I don't know if they'd help you or not. They helped me.

First of all, don't expect to make intimate friendships through retail. For now, if you're really struggling, be happy to get a brief exchange of words (even happier if you initiated it). This seems to be a common pitfall for introverts--they underestimate shallow and frivolous interaction. When you get good at this, then you can start thinking about the next step.

Are you mostly trying to make conversation with customers, or co-workers?

[ahimel]

Originally Posted by The David

Are you mostly trying to make conversation with customers, or co-workers?

I'm really trying to learn to converse with anyone -- I'm so bad at it. I'd be happy to take the conversation with customers beyond the "That'll be $21.34... on Visa? Great.... if you could sign this for me.... do you want the reciept in the bag? There you go, have a nice day!" level.

The book looks like what I need -- I'll check it out. Thanks!

Amanda