Negative People that apologize

[3nigma]

I have this person in my life, whom is very close to me, but is EXTREMELY negative. Whenever I'm around them for long periods of time I get stressed out, and become negative and angry myself.

What happens is... They begin to criticize me at a certain point, to act like something in their life is somehow my problem, and just overall make me feel terrible and guilty. They become nervous, a bit angry with me, and are so depressing to be around as they bring me down. What they fail to realize is that this "problem" that they have about me is just a series of unrelated events that they construe to be "after them." I didn't cause it to be happen, it was just life.

Anyway, this person called me and apologized for the way they were acting. Now, before you give advice... Know this. This has happened several times. They've apologized for the way they acted, and when we saw each other again it just became a repeat. Same events took place, same things happened, I got stressed out and argued, then I isolated myself from them and again they called and said they were sorry.

I want to believe their apology, but how can I? They'll just do it all over again. It feels like some sort of trap, like they get me to come back to them being kind and compassionate, and then again they trap me and do it all over. Should I completely isolate myself from them? I'm not sure how I should handle this. (Oh, and no Law of Attraction advice please. Don't tell me I attracted this person with my negative thinking. I was exuberant until they ruined my day.)

[Angela]

An apology is pretty worthless if there is no commitment to stopping or correcting the behavior that's being apologized for. I see no reason why you should expect this person (let's call her "she"; "they" is so awkward.) to consider that she will change her behavior based solely upon "I'm sorry."

The way I see it, your best bet is to accept her, exactly as she is: a person who expresses lots of negative thoughts. Also, accept yourself exactly as you are: a person who absorbs her negativity and makes it his own. Once you accept the reality of that, and that she's not likely to change her behavior just because you want her to, then see what your next right action is, letting go of any need for her to change.

For instance, if it were me, I might tell her, "Look, Brunhilda, I understand that you are sorry for your habitual way of being and the impact it has on me. I can see that it causes you pain that your continual negativity leaves me feeling stressed out and not wanting to be around you. And I've noticed that you don't seem to have any intention to change that behavior, or to make any commitment to me to be positive around me. And my best choice in really leading a joyful life is to surround myself with people who are committed to thinking thoughts that feel good when they think them. I would really love for you to be one of those people, and I request that you think about whether or not spending time with me is important enough to you to intend and commit to being a positive force in the world. If you don't want to, that's fine; you are absolutely perfect exactly the way you are, and I still love you and wish the best for you -- but for my own well-being, I would choose to limit our time together. That sounds like an ultimatum, and I'm sorry if you feel pressured -- I am totally open to exploring a third, unknown solution with you, too, because you mean a lot to me. What do you think we could do so that we're both satisfied?"

You probably don't talk like that, but you get the gist of what I'm saying, right? Don't make her wrong, grant her the freedom to be exactly who she is and exactly who she is not, and make your well-being your number one priority, while generating love in the conversation.

[3nigma]

Originally Posted by Angela

You probably don't talk like that, but you get the gist of what I'm saying, right? Don't make her wrong, grant her the freedom to be exactly who she is and exactly who she is not, and make your well-being your number one priority, while generating love in the conversation.

I get ya, but it's a guy I'm talkin about. Oh well

The thing is, we're close so I can't just shut him out of my life like that. I mean, I probably could but it would take alot of work on my part to get that to happen. I think I'll just avoid him as much as possible, because I can stand him for about an hour or two. Anymore, and it gets unbearable.

The part that I can't stand is that they want to pick the choices in my life. If there's anything I've learned in my life, it's that you can't force people into decisions or situations that they don't want to be in. It pisses them off. Even if they WANT to do the thing you're trying to force, it might make them change their mind or say "Well, now I don't want to." The decision of mine that they're trying to fight is that I didn't go to College. I made my choice a long time ago not to go because it wasn't for me, and people are still trying to push me to go. I didn't want to then, and I don't want to now.

Also... the person is a little bit emotionally unstable. I believe his apology is sincere, but I think it's hard for them to stay under control sometimes. When he gets nervous, he can't help but act/think/and say nervous things.

[Angela]

It doesn't matter if it's a guy or a girl.

If you are willing to tolerate the negativity of this person, or if you are willing to have a "close" relationship in which you avoid him as much as possible (!), and you're not willing to communicate what's so for you and look for an alternative that leaves you both satisfied and loving, then your first fear applies: you are creating this situation with your negative thinking. In other words, your complaint has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with you.

You do have the power to tranform the conversation about college, and the relationship as a whole, too.

(p.s., that an apology is sincere doesn't make it effective. )

[3nigma]

Originally Posted by Angela

If you are willing to tolerate the negativity of this person, or if you are willing to have a "close" relationship in which you avoid him as much as possible (!), and you're not willing to communicate what's so for you and look for an alternative that leaves you both satisfied and loving, then your first fear applies: you are creating this situation with your negative thinking. In other words, your complaint has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with you.

I don't see why I should confront him. I didn't begin the conversation and argument, nor did I "thinkingly" wish to have it in the first place. If I ignore the hell out of him, I'm sure he'll get the same message, that I didn't appreciate him and he created his own isolation. Besides, words won't do anything. He's an extremely arrogant and stubborn man, and has a "My way or the highway" thinking about him. I yelled at him when we were having the argument, isn't that talking about it? I threw my point out there, with a little bit of anger as well.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by 3nigma

I don't see why I should confront him. I didn't begin the conversation and argument, nor did I "thinkingly" wish to have it in the first place. If I ignore the hell out of him, I'm sure he'll get the same message, that I didn't appreciate him and he created his own isolation. Besides, words won't do anything. He's an extremely arrogant and stubborn man, and has a "My way or the highway" thinking about him. I yelled at him when we were having the argument, isn't that talking about it? I threw my point out there, with a little bit of anger as well.

I didn't say you *should* confront him.

You said this pattern in your relationship feels like a trap. You may not have started it, but you are engaging in it, and as long as you engage in the same way, you are creating the relationship in the same way. If you would like to free yourself from the trap, you can break the pattern and try something new, for instance, having a conversation with him and looking for a third alternative that has you both satisfied, fulfilled, and loving in the relationship. (there are plenty of other things you can do to break the pattern; that's just the one I think I'd probably employ.)

If you're not interested in having you both be satisfied, fulfilled and loving, then by all means, continue on as you are: punishing, yelling, being angry, not seeing how you are mirrors for each other. That's your choice to make! Revel in your freedom!

I usually operate under the default supposition that people here are up to having satisfaction, fulfillment, and love be present in their relationships. I'm sorry to be presumptuous if that is not in accordance with what you want to generate. If it's not, what is?

[Old Soul]

A true apology means it won't happen again
because there is more to an apology than a word

it means the person who has made the boo boo is saying "Hey I was wrong" and i need to take action so this won't happen again.... that is what is involved...

1) admit it was wrong
2) apologise for it
3) take action that it won't happen again

[3nigma]

Originally Posted by Angela

You may not have started it, but you are engaging in it, and as long as you engage in the same way, you are creating the relationship in the same way.

OR I could just dissolve the relationship right here and now. I don't see a problem with that. It's not loving or hateful.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by 3nigma

OR I could just dissolve the relationship right here and now. I don't see a problem with that. It's not loving or hateful.

Sure, you can do that if you want to. You did say you are extremely close to this person, and that you want to believe him. That sounds like you value this relationship. If you value it enough, you'll work through it, and if you don't, you won't. You get to choose.

If you do choose to "dissolve" it, I think it's far more valuable to end relationships with love, though. You don't want to break out of jail and then carry the jail around with you!