Caring for aging parents

[starkey]

Hi. my parents have always had a combative relationship but now things with my father are getting out of control. He is emotionally abusive towards my mom and she can't take it.

I have *no idea* what to do about the situation. He cannot live alone because he has health issues and he is already seeing a shrink.

I feel like other areas of my life are lining up so well -- for the first time! but am i allowed to be happy when they are so miserable? my mom calls me up talking about the terrible things my father says to her and i just have no clue as how to solve the situation. many people say that family is the most important thing. so i am trying to get some ideas on

1. what is my obligation to my parents (should i just give up on everything and everyone else in my life so i can live with them?)?

2. what are my options here? i am trying to take responsibility for all areas of my life, but i am paralyzed because i have no idea what to do with this.

[Lauxa]

I don't have the answers but I just want to empathize, this is such a hard struggle. I have watched my mother and MIL care for their aging parents, involving a verbally abusive father in MIL's case, and it can be very tough.

If you want help in brainstorming your options, you might want to add more information such as the age and location of your parents, if you have any siblings who might share the load, and financial situation. If your father is showing marked behavioral changes it could be signs of dementia. If he is unable to care for himself, you could evaluate nursing homes (some accept Medicaid) or hire in-home help. If your parents want your help, maybe you could convince them to move closer to you rather than dropping everything to move in with them.

[starkey]

Thanks Lauxa. I'm trying to be mature here and not fall into guilt and resentment at the situation. I think I am going to start by talking to my dad's therapist.

[Old Soul]

hi sweety

you are in a tough position, however do not feel quilty or responsible for your parents situation....

1) have you suggested to your mom that she gets a support group? , that while you empathise with her, her husband is still your father you do not appreciate being put in the middle, you can support her getting support

2) living with them is not an option unless your mom gets support, otherwise you are giving up "you" for the situation and again that is not fair or helpful to anyone

3) there must be some programs available for independant living for your father with mental illness /and or health issues.... I would consider looking into this, it may be more of an option than you realise right now, make some calls , network with social support groups in your area... I am sure if you dig you could find something suitable for your dads living quarters provided* he wants this... and that he is competent...

4) Has your mom considered leaving him? if her life is in danger this should be looked into
not sure what his illness is as you are not very specific but i dont think anyone is forced to live in unhealthy life situations, perhaps the mental health field can give your mom some insight into this


Good luck......... and you are not responsible for their situation, being supportive is loving your parents but you do not have to take on their marriage hugz!!

[Ree]

Starkey, I feel for you in your situation. I'm currently helping my 83 year old mother and her 85 year old husband (who's recovering from a knee replacement) so that they are able to live as independently as possible in their own home for as long as possible. There's no abusiveness in their relationship, but I can imagine how greatly that would add to the every-day stress and worry of caring for aging parents.

Do you have a Council on Aging in your area? They could be extremely helpful to you in dealing with this situation. Also your father's physician should be informed, as their could be a medical reason for his behavior which could be treatable.

Don't give up your own life! My mother and I have had this conversation. She sternly instructed me to NOT give up my life and make caring for her my entire focus. Her thinking is that at age 83 she will not be on this Earth many more years and I need to have my own interests, activities, circle of friends, etc.

Good luck to you!

[Old Soul]

She sternly instructed me to NOT give up my life and make caring for her my entire focus. Her thinking is that at age 83 she will not be on this Earth many more years and I need to have my own interests, activities, circle of friends, etc.

Good for her for knowing and instructing you of this!! My father in law is 83 , has no partner has outlived 3 wives, he has macular generation in his eye sight, insists he is going to retry for his liscence and that he will get it ( he won't of course) lol... He has paid enornous amounts of money in lazer treatments, even though they tell him it does not improve his type of MG but it can slow it down... he buys these drops for his eyes which he orders from Africa or some place like that lol... he listens to no ones councel period.... His properties are run to the ground and in need of desperate repairs... he refuses to see this or deal with this either ..... what can you do ??? really there is nothing as it is his life he has the right to do as he pleases...

he is not the type to age gracefully, refuses to take a cab when his sons or sister can not drive him, he gets angry at everyone starts fights at the bank with the tellers , starts fights in restraunts , has never gotten along with his neighbors, and it is sad to see this

He sees the kids, because he raised them , as being at his call 24/7 your reasons for not being there do not matter to him , it is "our " responsibility to be there regardless

very difficult man to work with period......... very frustrating indeed..