Am I too jealous? What do I do? is it wrong of me?

[MikiBoJangles]

So, my name's Miki and I'm beating myself up over this. Bear with me?

I dated this guy for two years in high school and I really care about him. A little background on him is he's lived a pretty sheltered life, I'm his first real girlfriend, he hasn't moved around ever, and for our last two years of highschool, we've pretty much been all about each other.

He left to in the dorms at his college (a 15 min drive from me) and it started to get a bit rocky. I felt really insecure, it was a really big change for us and I seemed to have been having a harder time with it. He started out calling me alot, and after a bit of time, the calls slowed and stopped almost. I would try to call him, looking for a bit of attention because I had been feeling lonely, and no matter the hour I called, noon, night, 2am, etc, there was always, ALWAYS the sounds of females in his room. And he just seemed to busy for me, and our short conversations just felt like he wanted to hang up and was frequently distracted. It really stressed me out to the point where I could hardly help myself and I felt as though the only way to get his attention was to pick an argument.
It was crazy for a bit and one weekend, we slowed down and I talked to him, I wanted to try to make it better, understand and do it together. He had sex, and he slept over, the next day we went to do homework at a local cafe, he spent from 10am to 8pm telling me how much he loved me, and wants to be with me, blah blah, and I was feeling pretty good about it.

I go home, so does he, and then he calls me and leaves me. We stayed apart for almost six months and i tried to date someone (it was miserable)

and we didn't talk much, but fought a lot, but no matter what I always told him what was going on if he wanted to know, I listened when he was sad, etc. He dated some girl and didn't tell me until now, and just a bunch of stupid **** with other girls.

So, we're dating again and it drives me crazy when he talks to these girls, absolutely crazy. These girls look at me like I'm dirt when I visit his dorms and they flirt with him shamelessly in front of me. He talks with them and I can't help but feel so upset about it, I hate them automatically and I wish I could get in their face and tell them to back off but I can't from home, which ensued crying spells, arguments and so on. But he would kind of dismiss my worry, "relax, I don't like them like that anyway, so today I went...blah blah."
I talked to him about and he didn't have much to say and I just made him angry. I asked him to try to stop talking to the girls that have a thing for him or at least TELL them about me or make it known he's not available.

I feel like he's not trying, or maybe I'm over reacting.
I just feel like if he wants me back, he should really be doing some trust-earning right about now :/

help?

[starkey]

Maybe you should be spending time alone with him without these girls if they piss you off and disrespect you..

I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said that noone could make you feel inferior without your consent. It seems like you could work on your own feelings of self-worth and self respect. Then you will know what to do when someone is talking down to you. or you have a boyfriend who does not tell his friends that you are his girlfriend.

[Rapid]

Let me be frank with you: You need to stop dating this guy now! He's not worth it.

ADDED: I said the above with sympathy towards your situation. He's mistreating you, and you're letting him. I agree with the other posters that you may wish to work on boosting your self-worth. It will be hard to break things off with this guy (for you), but I think you will be better off without him. Free up room in your heart so that the love of your life can come into the picture.

If you need support, we are here for you.

[Angela]

Miki, welcome! Have you been reading on these forums about things like manifestation, getting more of what you're focusing on, and creating your own reality? Poke around on here and get a sense of that, why doncha.

There are a couple of things that came up for me as I read your post. First, you've got what might be called a "poverty consciousness." That is, you've got it that if your sweetheart talks, flirts, has sex, whatever, with other women, then that diminishes you. Like: there's only so much of the stuff you want to go around, and you want to ensure that you get your share! Realize that, while you may have standards for what it means to be in a loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR), whatever this guy thinks, does, or says, it doesn't take anything away from you, who you are, or what you really have, that is of value.

I suspect it also reactivates your old pain of being "not good enough" or fear of being abandoned. What you are creating by allowing your old pain to run you is: you have all kinds of *shoulds* about him, or anyone else you're in a relationship with. He *should* do this, if he cared about you he *should* do that, and he certainly *shouldn't* do any of that stuff! All those shoulds make for absolutely no freedom -- it feels so controlling when someone is shoulding you, even a little tiny bit, that you are effectively chasing him away when you indulge your *shoulds.* It's not about him earning trust; it's about you generating trust for him, if you choose to, and letting him go with love if you choose not to.

Then also it sounds like you are trying to *get* something out of him. You know how you called him when you felt lonely, and then you felt bad when he didn't solve that for you? That's because it's not his job -- it's yours. That's not to say that people in LLTMBRs don't support each other and do their best to boost each other's well-being. It does mean that it is YOUR responsibility to make yourself feel good, not his. When you rely on him to make you feel good, it occurs like a real burden. Being a great partner means taking care of yourself and making your own well-being your number one priority -- so that you're partner feels free to do the same, and so that you can grow together, rather than one person always pulling.

It may be that you will be happy with this guy, and it may be that you won't. Changing him won't get you there. But looking at your own way of being, and adjusting what you're being and doing, can have you living a life you love, whether or not he's standing next to you.