problem with friends acting distant with me

[Rockchick26]

I might seem really angry over this but keep in mind,this incident just happened 5 minutes ago so i'm mad about it right now. But i am fed up with this happening so i had to vent. There probably isn't any advice for me except to stop talking to these people,but that isnt in my nature to just drop friends like that.

First i'll tell you about what just happened. This friend lives in another state and we have never met but we've been talking online for about 5 years. We almost planned a trip to go to a concert together next month but didn't because neither of us has the money for a trip. Anyway,me and her have always been super close,we've always emailed each other and chatted almost every day. When her internet was down,we even mailed handwritten letters. We consider each other one of our best friends.

About a month ago is when this kinda started,we both talk to this band on Myspace,and she is in love with one of the guys. He messaged me too. For a reason i won't go into cuz it's just too much explaining,she has my password on there (thats how close we are). She read one of his messages and deleted it and lied to me about it and told me she didnt. So according to her it just deleted itself,apparently. Well i decided to let it go. But things have been getting worse ever since. Like she comes online a lot less,and when she does come online,she barely talks. She'll answer in short sentences,and would go for half an hour without talking if i didnt say something. Tonight i asked her what she was doing and she said 'just watching a movie'. I just don't get why before whenever we'd chat THAT was what we did,we would talk about our day,just chat nonstop,for hours,sometimes even an entire day. Now it's like she could care less. And also,whenever we say goodbye for the day we say to each other "sweet dreams of (insert name of a guy here)" whatever guy we both like at the moment...well tonight i said that to her but instead of saying it back,she just said "thank you" and left! She's NEVER done that before.

Whenever i say something like 'how come you weren't online' or 'how come youre so quiet' or anything regarding her distance,she just says "idk" (short for 'i dont know') sheesh,so she cant even give me full words to say she doesnt know why she is quiet?! WTF! And i asked her about a cd burning problem i had,and i knew she'd know the answer cuz she burns cd's for me all the time,well her answer was (again) "idk". Short and simple.

I have this other couple of friends who i have known for about 3 years,we've partied together hundreds of times,and we used to email almost every day too. Well,that suddenly stopped (she said she doesnt check her emails every day anymore...yet i notice she goes on Myspace every day) Also they quit asking me to hang out and after about 3 months of this,i confronted her and asked what the reason was,she said that they just don't go out much anymore cuz they dont have money. Well,one time we went out like 2 months after she said that,and there were a few other girls out with us and i asked how she met them and she said 'oh they're always out with us lately' mmmhmmm. And then one night i called them to do something since i was in their area and they said they were already out with some other people. Before they would have called me BEFOREHAND and told me about the plans and i would just join them,thats how it's always been.

In both of these situations,these people don't have a reason for acting this way! There was no fights,i never fight with anyone! They all loved me,for YEARS...why do people suddenly get distant,for no reason,deny that it's happening or give stupid excuses?? If they had a problem with me it would have been evident right away,but to hang out with someone for years,or talk to them every day for years,and then suddenly out of nowhere they get all distant on you...that just doesn't make sense. I could see if you werent good friends to begin with,but not when they are your best friends.

As usual after you get something off your chest,you feel better,but you still have no answers. Anyone in a similar situation or have any idea what might be happening here?

[Michael45]

You answered your own question................ And she probably emailed your friends to about it..........

About a month ago is when this kinda started,we both talk to this band on Myspace,and she is in love with one of the guys. He messaged me too. For a reason i won't go into cuz it's just too much explaining,she has my password on there (thats how close we are). She read one of his messages and deleted it and lied to me about it and told me she didnt. So according to her it just deleted itself,apparently

[Desert]

Rockchick

There is much that can be said with regard to Internet aspects such as those you relate but basically it all comes under the major umbrella of cyclical social aspects and of course the parade of changes that go with it.

Be aware that the parade will continue on all manner of avenues until your last breath. Having such knowledge is always a good thing and allows you eventually to be or not be part of parades whether materially or psychologically.

Desert

[uberinquisitive]

Most friendships goes in cycles of close/not close. I have friends I've met online and in person...and especially if it's an intense friendship (we talk to each other all the time/hang out all the time), there are periods where we take "breaks" from each other. This is normal.

Most of the breaks are triggered by small events. Maybe she gets annoyed at me, or I get annoyed at her. Just small annoyances that aren't worth getting into a fight over. But, it does trigger a "I need space" reflex.

In your case, don't take it too personally. Your friendship may have run its course naturally, or maybe in a few weeks, it will restart again. But this happens to everyone with intense friendships...not just you.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Michael45

You answered your own question................ And she probably emailed your friends to about it..........

But why did she do that!? That still doesnt answer my question. This came out of nowhere! The email she deleted was the guy in the band that she likes saying something kinda bad about her,so she deleted it so i wouldn't see it,but i caught on to her. But that still doesn't explain why she would be treating ME like ****.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

Most friendships goes in cycles of close/not close. I have friends I've met online and in person...and especially if it's an intense friendship (we talk to each other all the time/hang out all the time), there are periods where we take "breaks" from each other. This is normal.

Most of the breaks are triggered by small events. Maybe she gets annoyed at me, or I get annoyed at her. Just small annoyances that aren't worth getting into a fight over. But, it does trigger a "I need space" reflex.

In your case, don't take it too personally. Your friendship may have run its course naturally, or maybe in a few weeks, it will restart again. But this happens to everyone with intense friendships...not just you.

I guess i've never experienced this. In the past,anytime a friendship had a break or something,it was because of a fight. Or there was never a "break" at all. That's why it's so odd for me cuz i've never experienced this.

[Michael45]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

But why did she do that!? That still doesnt answer my question. This came out of nowhere! The email she deleted was the guy in the band that she likes saying something kinda bad about her,so she deleted it so i wouldn't see it,but i caught on to her. But that still doesn't explain why she would be treating ME like ****.

Why would she do that? Jealousy.......... she probably figures you were conspiring to get the guy in the band for yourself and was making rude comments about her to him........ Once she went off half cocked...... she alerted your friends to stay away from you, as you would probably try to take the guys away from them too and talk chit behind their backs.........

Now just take it as a lesson learned......... you can try to patch it up between you and her.......... might work.......... but if it doesn't just move on with your life.

Best thing to do next time......... if you know a friend likes someone........... STAY OUT OF IT........... lol Don't go talking to that other person....... you end up in the middle of it and get all the blame..........

Your fault
My fault
Nobody's fault

You're still going to get the blame..........

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Michael45

Why would she do that? Jealousy.......... she probably figures you were conspiring to get the guy in the band for yourself and was making rude comments about her to him........ Once she went off half cocked...... she alerted your friends to stay away from you, as you would probably try to take the guys away from them too and talk chit behind their backs.........

No she doesnt even know my other friends,they live here and she lives in Florida. These two examples i gave aren't even related. And she knows i'm not after this guy,i've liked this other guy for 2 years and she knows that more than anyone! This band we talk to lives by HER,not ME,she has no reason to be this upset,if that's what it is. It's just sad that she would create this problem and create this distance with me.

Best thing to do next time......... if you know a friend likes someone........... STAY OUT OF IT........... lol Don't go talking to that other person....... you end up in the middle of it and get all the blame..........

But SHE added this band on my Myspace FOR me (i cant get on there from home),and she told them to message me! She basically made all this happen to start with and then now she's acting like she doesn't want us to talk? Me and the band haven't even talked since this,because she deleted the message and after i found out,i messaged the band one more time but they never wrote back (at least i didnt see a message,she could have deleted that one too),so its been like 3 weeks since i've even talked to the band,yet the distance she is creating gets bigger by the day. That leads me to thinking maybe its not just about that whole message deal,it has to be something else or she would have moved past it like i did.

[dancer]

Why not ask your friends what they are feeling? You are assuming what is going on is all about you, perhaps it is something else.

From your description of the girl related to the band, I'm also leaning towards a jealousy issue. Jealousy is not rational, some people get jealous over a mere exchange of looks. Do you know what was in the message from the band? Seems strange for someone to delete a message in someone else's account. Did you ask her why she deleted the message?

[Angela]

My guess is that she is aware that she behaved without integrity (by messing with your email account, interfering with communication that she felt threatened by) and feels guilty, and she has projected that guilt out onto you and justified & rationalized her own sense of guilt by making you wrong. It happens.

If you want to heal the friendship, you'll have to take 100% responsibility and communicate directly and generously with her. If you hold onto, "you treat me so badly!" you are sentencing yourself to separation. It is all up to you.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by dancer

Why not ask your friends what they are feeling? You are assuming what is going on is all about you, perhaps it is something else.

I did ask them (both this girl and the other couple i mentioned). The girl said she didnt delete the message and said nothing more about it. The couple just said they've been staying home,not going out lately,but i caught them in a lie twice since then,i KNOW they still go out,so,theyre just avoiding telling me the real problem.

Do you know what was in the message from the band? Seems strange for someone to delete a message in someone else's account. Did you ask her why she deleted the message?

I explained this in my original post,maybe you missed it. yes i saw the message,cuz i went into my deleted mail and saw it there. It was the guy saying she didnt know them as well as she thought she did. And i did ask her why she deleted it and she said she didn't. But she HAD to have,because she is the only person i gave my password to,and i asked her to tell me what messages i had in there and she told me "oh its just an old one from the band,you already replied to it". (but it was a new one,that i had never read,so she was lying,because she didnt want me to read it!)

[dancer]

Sorry, I did miss it. Well, you caught her in the act and she's embarrassed. The content of the message obviously hurt her and she's blaming you, very embarrassed or thinks you were conspiring behind her back. Have you told her you have noticed some distance between you and and wonder if it is cool between you or if she wants to talk about it?

What happens if you extend an invitation to the couple? It sounds like you are waiting for them to ask you out. Perhaps, they feel they are doing all the work. I'm just guessing.

I know you are posting to understand their behaviour, but what is your gut feeling? How do you feel aside from the frustration of not understanding what the hell is going on?

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by dancer

Sorry, I did miss it. Well, you caught her in the act and she's embarrassed. The content of the message obviously hurt her and she's blaming you, very embarrassed or thinks you were conspiring behind her back. Have you told her you have noticed some distance between you and and wonder if it is cool between you or if she wants to talk about it?

Whenever i ask why she's quiet or acting wierd she just says she's tired or is busy doing other stuff. I wouldn't have came on here asking for advice if i knew the real reason,but nobody is honest anymore,they lie or make up excuses all the time!

What happens if you extend an invitation to the couple? It sounds like you are waiting for them to ask you out. Perhaps, they feel they are doing all the work. I'm just guessing.

But i HAVE invited them to do stuff,thats how i know they are avoiding me cuz when i ask them to do something,they say theyre already doing something with other people. This was all in my first post too LOL

I know you are posting to understand their behaviour, but what is your gut feeling? How do you feel aside from the frustration of not understanding what the hell is going on?

My gut feeling is everyone just doesnt want to talk to me anymore and i dont know why. I dont know what else to feel since i dont know WHY,i just know everyone is pushing me away for no apparent reason.

[Parthon]

My first question is: Is there anything that's changed in your world that would have people behave like that? Have you changed your attitudes or expectations recently? While it looks like everyone else is shunning you, it could be a reflection of things changing in your life that are much closer to home.

As far as your friends go though, what people have said are true. Life is a mystery and part of that is cycles of nature such as growth and death. Your friends growing apart from you could be from a number of reasons, none of which really matter because the reality of it is that they are just not as close as they once were. The pain you are feeling is not sourced from them not being close, it's coming from your own attachment to them. You are upset because you liked being close. Your whole friendship is built on being very close, so as they distance themselves the friendship breaks down. If you really loved your friends honestly, you could accept their distance, but still reach out to them with love. Right now all that is being heard is "Why are you leaving me?!? Whyyyyyy?"

Why they are distancing themselves doesn't matter at all. In fact it looks like a good time to take a good look at yourself and see what's really going on. Accept that your friends aren't as close as they used to be, accept that they might disappear permanently, and then still be for them in every way and send your love. And lastly: Stop making it all about you.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Parthon

My first question is: Is there anything that's changed in your world that would have people behave like that? Have you changed your attitudes or expectations recently? While it looks like everyone else is shunning you, it could be a reflection of things changing in your life that are much closer to home.

No i haven't changed anything. Its not like this all happened in the same week or month,this deal with that couple started a year ago and is now to the point where we never talk anymore. The deal with this one girl has just been the last month. But no i haven't changed anything about myself that would drive people away. Its not even all my friends,just those few. I have other friends who i'm getting closer to recently,so,its nothing i'm doing wrong or else ALL my friends would be drifting away.

If you really loved your friends honestly, you could accept their distance, but still reach out to them with love. Right now all that is being heard is "Why are you leaving me?!? Whyyyyyy?"

So you're saying when your best friend acts distant for no reason at all,you're supposed to just let it go and say to yourself 'oh well there goes my best friend,nice to know ya'? That,to me,sounds more selfish than wanting to keep being friends!

Why they are distancing themselves doesn't matter at all.

Well its kinda like,when you date someone you want to know why they dumped you so you can avoid making that mistake again. Same thing here,i dont want to lose any more friends,so i want to know what i did wrong,to prevent it from happening again. Maybe there is some bad thing i do that im not even aware of,and i'll never know if they keep making up excuses and lies!

In fact it looks like a good time to take a good look at yourself and see what's really going on.

Thats what i'm trying to do LOL But how can i know what i'm doing wrong if nobody will tell me?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Thats what i'm trying to do LOL But how can i know what i'm doing wrong if nobody will tell me?

Rockchick, people are telling you things all the time, giving you feedback, every day, everywhere you go. If you will open your ears, and open your mind, and generously listen, you'll experience an overflowing abundance of value.

("yeah, but...!")

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Angela

Rockchick, people are telling you things all the time, giving you feedback, every day, everywhere you go. If you will open your ears, and open your mind, and generously listen, you'll experience an overflowing abundance of value.

("yeah, but...!")

The only answers i've gotten were from you guys in here,but really people can just guess since the actual people involved are the only ones that really know why they would be acting this way. But...there's nothing more i can do about it so i'm just accepting it now,i'll just have to find other friends.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Whenever i ask why she's quiet or acting wierd she just says she's tired or is busy doing other stuff. I wouldn't have came on here asking for advice if i knew the real reason,but nobody is honest anymore,they lie or make up excuses all the time!

What would happen if you just accepted their answer instead of assuming it to be a lie or a made up excuse? Here I go again with the Byron Katie stuff, but really the person you are talking about may not even know the real reason themselves. And even if they tell you the real reason you might not believe them anyway since you know that "nobody is honest anymore."

My advice here is the same as for pretty much everything else (and it's for me more than you even ): stop trying to figure it all out, accept, surrender and go about living a life you love.

How do you know when you need someone in your life? When they are there. How do you know when you don't need someone in your life? They are gone.

It's as simple as that and doesn't mean anything about you. Sure there may be some things you can do to have better friendships, but like Angela said, people are showing you these things all the time. We are all mirrors reflecting stuff back to you. You just have to look at it. It's much easier to do that when you aren't making meaning out of thin air or guessing at what the other person is thinking or feeling.

[Rapid]

Why hang out with people who have lied to you repeatedly? If they keep making up excuses to not see you or don't even return your e-mails, then I would take a hint and leave them alone.

I had a similar experience last year with someone. Of course, I've tried to figure out what I did wrong, but I can't be sure unless that person re-establish communication with me. It hurt but I decided to move on with my life.

[dancer]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

My gut feeling is everyone just doesnt want to talk to me anymore and i dont know why. I dont know what else to feel since i dont know WHY,i just know everyone is pushing me away for no apparent reason.

Sorry for missing some of the details and asking dumb questions.

When you meet EVERYONE are you meeting them with the attitude of them not wanting to talk to you anymore or that they are going to push you away? In other words, are you expecting people to do this to you? Is it a pattern? Do you have beliefs deep within that are causing you to send out a back-off vibe?

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

What would happen if you just accepted their answer instead of assuming it to be a lie or a made up excuse? Here I go again with the Byron Katie stuff, but really the person you are talking about may not even know the real reason themselves. And even if they tell you the real reason you might not believe them anyway since you know that "nobody is honest anymore."

I am not assuming they are lies,i KNOW they are. Thats why i explained my situation because i am not just assuming.

My advice here is the same as for pretty much everything else (and it's for me more than you even ): stop trying to figure it all out, accept, surrender and go about living a life you love.

Yeah,i know LOL Its just hard for me cuz i have this overwhelming need to understand and to know the truth. That applies to everything in life.

How do you know when you need someone in your life? When they are there. How do you know when you don't need someone in your life? They are gone.

That sounds good,but it doesnt feel good when it happens LOL If someone is meant to leave your life,why would it feel bad? I mean,i know the whole thing about withdrawal/grieving,but i mean,i've had friends leave my life before that didnt even phase me,but when they DO phase me,that tells me that it's something worth fighting for,it tells me that there is a reason i still need them in my life.

It's as simple as that and doesn't mean anything about you. Sure there may be some things you can do to have better friendships, but like Angela said, people are showing you these things all the time. We are all mirrors reflecting stuff back to you. You just have to look at it. It's much easier to do that when you aren't making meaning out of thin air or guessing at what the other person is thinking or feeling.[/quote]

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Rapid

Why hang out with people who have lied to you repeatedly? If they keep making up excuses to not see you or don't even return your e-mails, then I would take a hint and leave them alone.

I HAVE left them alone,now. But that doesnt mean i dont have questions i need answers for. I want to understand why this happens,so maybe i can prevent it from happening in the future.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I am not assuming they are lies,i KNOW they are. Thats why i explained my situation because i am not just assuming.

Well then as dancer said, why do you have a desire to be around people who you know lie to you? What is their good (or bad) opinion really worth?

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Yeah,i know LOL Its just hard for me cuz i have this overwhelming need to understand and to know the truth. That applies to everything in life.

Believe me, I am the same way. I am not saying it's wrong of you or even that it's easy to change only that the constant nagging desire to know everything about everything will eat you up. I am finding that there are nicer ways to spend my time and I feel much more free when I let go of that. I only say it because I am actually like you in this way and it has brought me nothing but pain. Are you willing to try another way?

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

That sounds good,but it doesnt feel good when it happens LOL If someone is meant to leave your life,why would it feel bad? I mean,i know the whole thing about withdrawal/grieving,but i mean,i've had friends leave my life before that didnt even phase me,but when they DO phase me,that tells me that it's something worth fighting for,it tells me that there is a reason i still need them in my life.

If you really need someone in your life, they will be in your life. Thinking that you need them in your life doesn't change that.

It feels bad when breakups happen. It feels bad when we lose friends. But right now you are just thinking about how horrible it is and how you must figure it out and get them back. Have you stopped at all to think that maybe your life would actually be better without them in it? People who lie to you, delete your messages behind your back and blow you off? What in you makes you think you need that kind of person in your life? These are just questions that I would ask myself.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Well then as dancer said, why do you have a desire to be around people who you know lie to you? What is their good (or bad) opinion really worth?

Well i find it petty to end a friendship over lying. I mean,everyone lies,to some extent. I want to keep these friends because i've had them for YEARS. It's not like they're some throwaway fair weather friends. I don't let go of friends easily,because it's so hard for me to make friends,i dont want to let the ones i have slip away.

It feels bad when breakups happen. It feels bad when we lose friends. But right now you are just thinking about how horrible it is and how you must figure it out and get them back. Have you stopped at all to think that maybe your life would actually be better without them in it? People who lie to you, delete your messages behind your back and blow you off? What in you makes you think you need that kind of person in your life? These are just questions that I would ask myself.

Well like i said before,they've been good friends for many years. All this that's been happening has mostly been recently. It's just a blink of an eye compared to the time we've been good friends. I guess i'm not picky with friends because i know how hard they are to come by. I am more accepting of my friends' flaws,especially lately,after trying to become a better person. Just seems like the right thing to do,i guess.