changing your spouse

[ines]

how can you and can you at all ( using law of attraction or something similar, without him knowing ) change your spouse from being somebody who is not understanding at all, very insulting, doesn't care about your happiness, not there for you at all etc. to somebody who is complete opposite?

[SonoranBob]

Originally Posted by ines

how can you and can you at all ( using law of attraction or something similar, without him knowing ) change your spouse from being somebody who is not understanding at all, very insulting, doesn't care about your happiness, not there for you at all etc. to somebody who is complete opposite?

Your spouse has a free will. You can't violate it.

In the history of the world, I'm sure that completely self-absorbed, loveless, cruel spouses have on rare occasions been persuaded by some combination of highly spiritually advanced partner, fortuitous events, etc. to turn 180 degrees in a fairly short period of time, but I don't think it'd be a good strategy to think you'll be one of those rare exceptions.

All of this assumes your assessment is accurate, of course. Is it really that hideously bad? What attracted you to your partner in the first place? Why isn't that working?

--Bob

[ines]

he was like that even before. Then, i had some problems with not loving myself enough to leave him. since then i made a progress and i can't tolerate his behaviour anymore. as long as i make him happy (make food for him, have sex everytime he wants it, clean after him, say yes to every his request...), he's not that bad. but never, not even once did he care about my happines. when i'm sad, i'm a ♥♥♥♥♥ according to him. no: honey, you ok, are you happy, what can i do for you.. but divorce is not an option. any solution? every day is a struggle.

[Rose of Cairo]

Why is divorce not an option?

[ines]

it's just not the right time, i would rather try to make it work first, i wanna make sure i did everything i could and have no regrets later

[ladybug]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Why is divorce not an option?

Yes, I want to know too, why divorce isn't an option?

[ines]

i'm very religious, and so are my parents. they wouldn't allow it.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by ines

i'm very religious, and so are my parents. they wouldn't allow it.

I guess murder's out of the question too, then. Honestly Ines, it sounds like you've gotten accustomed to people pushing you around. I think you would have a lot more success if you were to look at this from a point of view of 100% responsibility -- that is, who you are being, and how you might take on change rather than expecting it from your husband. You're not likely to change him, you know.

Who have you been being that you married a guy who is so not right for you?

[Rose of Cairo]

What does it mean, they wouldn't allow it? You don't need them to sign anything in order for you to divorce. So there's no way they can forbid it. What would happen if you did it?

You cannot change your partner. All you can change is yourself. Your thoughts, your beliefs.

What happens when you don't make him happy?

[ines]

when i don't make him happy, then the insulting begins. little remarks here and there. making me feel guilty. saying stuff just to hurt me. so changing myself and my thoughts, you think eventually he would change?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by ines

when i don't make him happy, then the insulting begins. little remarks here and there. making me feel guilty. saying stuff just to hurt me. so changing myself and my thoughts, you think eventually he would change?

If you change your thoughts, how he occurs for you will change. The transformation that happens in you may or may not inspire him to make a change in his own behavior, but what's important is not that he change. What's important is that you deliberately think thoughts and take inspired action that have YOU living a life you love, regardless of the actions of your husband, your parents, or anyone else.

Again I ask you: who have you been being that you married this fellow who is so clearly not right for you? He told you who he was long ago. What had you stay in the relationship anyway? What did you choose to ignore, or tolerate, before you got married? Was it not a free choice of yours to get married? Why do you make your parents' religion more important than your own well-being?

p.s. it's not your job to "make him happy." That's his job!

[SonoranBob]

Originally Posted by ines

he was like that even before. Then, i had some problems with not loving myself enough to leave him. since then i made a progress and i can't tolerate his behaviour anymore. as long as i make him happy (make food for him, have sex everytime he wants it, clean after him, say yes to every his request...), he's not that bad. but never, not even once did he care about my happines. when i'm sad, i'm a ♥♥♥♥♥ according to him. no: honey, you ok, are you happy, what can i do for you.. but divorce is not an option. any solution? every day is a struggle.

I can't improve on the advice others have posted here. You didn't love yourself enough to not marry him, and you don't love yourself enough to leave him.

Even if it was a question of loving him and not yourself -- if you really love him you have to be willing to risk the whole relationship if necessary in the name of being real and not enabling him. There should be negative consequences for his negative actions, otherwise he's just getting the wrong feedback about how he's living his life.

As for your parents "not allowing" divorce -- are you less than 18 or something? They don't have that authority over you anymore -- unless you give it to them.

--Bob

[Old Soul]

Your asking the wrong question

what you should be asking is , how or what tools can i employ to protect myself , my happiness, my positive outlook and attidudes, against constant negative forces trying to tare it down?

this is your position, as long as you are in that particular relationship. You are not in a position to work him, but to protect what you have...

secondly my question is , why are you with someone who is not helping you shine ?

[robc]

Changing someone directly is one of life's impossibilities.

You can only control your own actions & your own thoughts.
You can only make yourself happy, no one can make you happy.
Once you realize this (and believe it takes a long time for alot of people to really understand this fundamental truth of life) you can make your life better.
When you continue to look to your husband to make you happy, when you continually expect him to be doing things & being a certain way to make you happy, you create the lack in your life, you setup the disappointment in your life and then look at him with sadness, anger, regret, unfullfillment, etc.

You can only provide the things you need to make you happy.

As far as the divorce issue, I'll give you my own personal take on it (and yes this is my point of view so everyone please respect that). Everyone is too quick to pull that trigger and it's unfortunate. Marriage isn't something to be entered into lightly especially if religion is a strong part of your life which I suspect it is. It isn't just a committment you made between you & your spouse, it's a committment you made to God. Another thing to take into account is children, divorce hurts children the most in any relationship. Is your husband physically & verbally/mentally abusive? If so, ask him to leave, I would say that is grounds for divorce, if anything at a least a separation to make it clear to him that you won't stand for that type of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ in your life.

I will tell you this, I can tell you're a kind hearted person and you want your marriage to work. I can tell that you love your husband because if you didn't you wouldn't be asking for help with your problem. You're committed to your religion which is also something to be applauded. I don't even know you personally and I've already identified several things about you that make you unique & special and someone who is worth love.

The first person to start with is yourself.
Love yourself and make yourself happy.
Stop trying to make your husband happy. I'm not telling you to ignore him but you don't have to be so submissive that you have to take care of his every request. By doing so unfortunately you have stopped being his peer and his equal, you have become his servant and a 2nd class citizen in your home.
You expect him to respect you but I get the feeling from your original post that you don't really respect yourself too much, you've shifted to a place in your life where you feel all you can is satisfy his requests with no regard for your own. Yes I know you want him to treat you better but why should he if you don't treat yourself as good as you want him to.

First things first, get your life in order.
You will take care of your needs first before you attempt to take care of his needs. This doesn't make you selfish, it makes you human. How can you expect to make other people happy if you can't make yourself happy. Also you have start loving yourself, realizing how great a person you are to yourself and other people in your life. You don't need to develop an attitude that you are better than anyone else but you do need to develop an attitude that you are just as good - if you can realize this important truth, you can start to see how you've been neglecting yourself.

Do you have the means to start going to a gym? That's a great way to give yourself personal time to focus on you, call it "me" time. 1-2 hours everyday if you can where you just focus on your own personal development: riding a bike, walking a treadmill or around a track, working with weights, taking an exercise class, etc. Part of that is diet, clean it up, start eating clean and improving your health. Take care of your body inside & out, show yourself that you respect yourself. What will this do for you? Everything! You will feel better about yourself physically & mentally, your self-esteem will improve dramatically and what will follow: you will start to feel happier and you will start to love yourself again. Start reading books, start spending some time with your friends instead of thinking your life was setup to serve your husband and his needs, start serving yourself. Shopping: I'm not saying go out & buy everything but a little retail therapy every now & then works wonders: a new shirt, pair of pants/jeans, a new belt, whatever - just start investing yourself.

Part of the problem in a marriage is losing your identity. Yes you are a couple but you are still individuals, don't forget that. In fact, I'd wager that's a big part of your problem: you have lost your individuality in this relationship and feel a need to be fulfilled but in your current subservient role you can't do that if all you do is focus on his needs.

He may make noise about your changes, he may notice you spend less time with him on him. If he asks be honest with him, you are taking care of yourself because he doesn't want to invest his time in making you feel better. Tell him what you're doing isn't about him, it's about you. If he argues or starts an argument, don't pursue it. Let it start & die of it's own volition, if you don't participate in the argument it's just one sided and it won't last very long. Plus arguments are rarely about the topic at hand, there is usually another issue that is the root cause of the argument, the topic at hand is just the easiest way to start the communication of argument and technically based on my own intuition, arguing is probably the only form of communication you have right now, that and silence. How much fun is that?

The greatest & most effective way to effect change in your partner in a positive way is to show them that you can change yourself. If you want change in your life, change yourself, don't waste your energy trying to change your spouse as that never works and you always find yourself disappointed - I know this from personal experience. Change yourself, make yourself happy, show your partner that you are happy regardless of how he acts & behaves, when he realizes that you are a happy person & a great person and he has nothing to do with it, he will step up to the plate. You will also make him more responsible for his own needs: don't cook his every meal, don't do his laundry, don't clean up after him, don't provide him with sex at his every whim.

You are not a slave and stop acting like it.

You are a great person who deserves great things, you deserve to be happy and to be loved so start with yourself: love yourself and make yourself happy.

The rest will fall into place.

[robc]

continued from my last post because apparently I'm so verbose that passed the limit that these discussion replies allow for (LOL!).

I'll add a little bit more here since you touched on religion at the beginning.
I'll assume it's a christian based faith (and if it isn't, apply it to your specific religion), Jesus died on the cross (funny how this comes into play right around easter), not only for our sins but for our lives. Do you think God & Jesus put all this effort in creating our world and the people & things on it for us to live miserably? Seriously does that make any real sense to you. They meant life to be abundant in all areas: health, wealth, happiness, etc. But they won't do it for you - that is for sure, they have given you the vehicle for your action, it is your mind & body - what you do with it is your choice. You have power & responsibility, if you don't use the power of your action, being able to act and do the things in life which will give you what you need & want, you still have power, you are choosing not to use it. What you have given up is responsibility - this means you are responsible for actions & inactions. Don't blame anyone else for what is happening right now. And yes Law of Attraction plays into all of this: your current circumstances are a direct result of your thoughts & emotions over a long period of time and I would suspect that you have felt sad, powerless, small, unhappy & unloved for a long period of time and LOA has brought all of this too you. You have focused on everything you don't want in life and you have manifested your reality based on all the thought & emotion you've put into it. That is LOA and that's what alot people don't understand, it is very powerful. Years of training yourself to use those thoughts, to think bad things, to focus on everything negative makes you an expert at manifesting negative things in your life. It won't happen over night but you can use LOA and you can change your way of thinking and start manifesting happiness in your life. How you do this is up to you but if you believe you are a good person, if you believe you are worth good things, that is a great place to start. What helped me start in the right direction is making a list of things that I'm grateful for (titled crazily "Things that I am grateful for...") and I keep it in my wallet. I read it at least once a day and what's on that list are all the good things that have happened in my life, all the good things I have in my life. Do you have friends? Put them on the list? Do you have good health, put it on the list? Children, on the list? Parents still love you, put it on the list? Do you have skills or talents, put them on the list. List every friend you have and something nice they may have done for you once, put it on the list. Small things, big things, anything that is positive in your life, put it on the list: the list grows from 1-3 items to maybe dozens or hundreds of items. Just read it everyday and it's purpose... just to remind you that good stuff has happened in your life and you should focus on the good stuff instead of the bad stuff, whenever you're feeling down, pull out the list, read it in your mind or read it out loud, whatever works and soon you'll be feeling better again. Make it a habit and also include at the bottom of the list that you are a good person, you deserve good things in life and today is another step in the right direction for you in getting what you deserve in life. Get your emotions flowing in the right direction and live your life according to that, good things will follow I can pretty much guarantee it.

BTW - Jesus never said life would be easy all the time but he did say that life, your life, was worth it. I don't think he would have died on the cross for us if he didn't truly believe that and if someone believes you're worth it, do you think maybe you can believe that too? I've said it in my other posts, seeing isn't believing, believing is seeing.

I would love to hear how this turns out and how your life improves (because if you believe only a portion of what I've written down, it will improve and if you do believe that, you have to allow for the remote possibility that some of the other stuff that I wrote could be true as well), please keep us posted.

[ines]

robc, THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. i don't know what else to say. you helped me so much. i wish only the best for you. i'll keep you posted.

[jonarmis]

Originally Posted by ines

how can you and can you at all ( using law of attraction or something similar, without him knowing ) change your spouse from being somebody who is not understanding at all, very insulting, doesn't care about your happiness, not there for you at all etc. to somebody who is complete opposite?

You can actually do it. You know what, COMMUNICATION is the key to your problem. If we keep the lines open, we will get messages across. You must talk to your spouse about it. Or you can do reverse psychology, when he's insensitive do otherwise, when he is selfish, give even if it hurts. That way, he will realize the contrast and what you are trying him to see.

I hope that helps!